Do you think its possible to be too nice for your own good? I cant begin to tell you how many times I've heard someone tell me that I shouldn't allow myself to be so freely available. With experience I've learned to seize the moment and take advantage of an opportunity. Especially seeing that very often tomorrow never comes.

I should've told my job I couldn't come in to work last night when they called me for a last minute opening. I should've stayed in my PJ's browsing CrackBook , But then again I wouldnt have had the awesome night I did either. Am I really supposed to play hard to get just to stay home alone and be miserable again?! ...Doesnt sound like very good advice if you ask me! If someone needs me tonight and I technically have the ability to make it happen, then why not do it? It's all way too complicated...I never was good at following rules anyway!

Worst Patients

Why do health professionals make the worst patients?

Seriously, I've heard it time and time again and have to agree. Look at me, I'd rather shoot myself up with Heparin injections than to spend another day in the hospital.

Another thing that bothers me occasionally is the stupid advice people have come to ask us. The calls for someone with chest pain that just wants to know if his blood pressure is elevated and refuse medical attention either way. The gastric tubes that wait till 2am to fall out and finally the ambulance calls for someone with a toothache. WTF?!

Anyway I mention this because tonight, as I got out of the shower and nice and comfy in my PJ's, my dad called me. I could tell by the tone of his voice something was really wrong. Mom was having chest pain and breathing difficulties. "Damn Mom! I just got ready for bed", I replied. Mom's famous for being a drama queen, so I proceed to ask the appropriate questions and could pretty much rule out any dangers. Just to be sure I took her vitals, hooked her up with some o2 and gave her some Nitro. 45 minutes later she's feeling fine, sound asleep and I can return to blogging in my PJ's. Would I recommend this to anyone else? Absolutely not! I wouldn't let them refuse attention and would certainly use all my power to convince them to get checked out by someone who really knows what the hell their doing. So why cant I follow my own advice?

Nothing like a call from your DR in the middle of the day telling you to rush your ass over to see him. Apparently I've hit an all time low with my coumadin level being down to a 1.2 even though I've been taking my meds on schedule as promised.

After being lectured and my words once again being dis-trusted I left with an awful feeling in my stomach. I'm sick of being sick. When I got news like this in the past I'd get emotional and break down as I ultimately haul my ass over to the hospital for treatment. Tonight however I feel different, I feel nothing at all. No fear, no concern, just wanting to be left alone. I know where I should be right now, and its certainly not blogging. My body is defenseless against embolism's now and I cant help but feel disconcerned.

I hate writing depressing post's like this. Seriously. I have a handful of readers that for whatever reason read these thoughts that I otherwise wouldn't have shared with anyone. I try hard not to conceal my true thoughts in person or get anyone else involved in my personal battles. Even some of my closest friends have no clue what's going on in my head. For you my readers welcome to my dark side!

Should Be A Mess, But Not

Sometimes in life we make decisions we later wish we didn't. If I could go back in time, sure I'd probably change a few things I've done but for the most part I don't regret anything. I've spoken to quite a few people that have been concerned about me. At first I was frustrated that they were bothering me, wishing they didn't know, but now I've come to appreciate their concern. Seriously, I'm fine! This has surely been one hell of a year! In all reality I probably should be a mess, but I'm not. Instead I've been thinking about my future and where I'd like to be in a few years.

I'd like to have my own place again by the end of the year. Sure living with mom and dad and saving a few bucks can be nice, but I've gotta move on and live a normal life again. Next would be going back to finish school. I'm famous for starting shit and not finishing, but school needs to be made a priority. Finally... who do I share it all with? I cant begin to tell you how many times I've heard things like "your a sweetheart" or "you don't need a man to make you happy". Yeah OK... Thanks Dr Phil!

Whats up Doc?!

I'm on my way to work today to take my EVOC roadtest when suddenly I get a call. Much to my surprise It was my doctor's office calling to ask me to come in right away.

Doc reluctantly agreed to wait until after the test to see me. Apparently my last round of blood work came back a bit screwy. My coumadin levels have dropped to an unsafe level once again. WTF? I'm taking my meds (well... that one at least) & eating what I should be. So why the changes again? Seriously, If my body were to throw another embolism my way, I'd have no defense right now. Guess I'd better cancel my plans for the night...the last thing I need is to spend another week in the hospital :(

The Beach is Officialy Closed for the Season

You've watched the sunrise and sunset.

Hope it was entertaining for you at the least! ...Now you guys owe me a movie ticket!

Go Back

Ever wish you could go back in time and make things right or do something differently? I've probably mentioned this about a million times, but I have a conscience that works overtime. When I do or say something, I do it with the intentions of causing as little pain as possible. In fact after consideration I decided to rewrite this post.

150 & Counting

Ok, today boys & girls is a rather special day in the blogosphere. Today I celebrate my 150th post here on my blog. I'd like to take a moment to thank all my readers for finding my bitching entertaining. Luv Ya! Today also just so happens to be Thursday, and what are Thursday's famous for?

Thats right today I get to bitch about everything and everyone who's crossed my path. Lets start with my promise to discuss my Stupid-visor, lord knows I keep my promises. This week Stupid-visor decided to take yet another vacation to sit at home and be depressed about not having a life. What does he do when he came back mid-week to check on things? He calls me at 6am asking where an assignment was that should've been completed by an ECRO. Asshole, I wasn't the ECRO last night. I dispatched! Call your stupid-visor and ask him who he gave the assignment to. Its not my fault you sorry excuses cant get your shit straight. Don't alert me at 6am, and don't send me 6 emails (on the company email system that I shouldn't be checking on my days off anyway) telling me you're gonna call me in a minute to discuss this. I didn't take the $1 raise you did and all the responsibilities that come along with it! So... FOAD!

Next in line? Touro college, step right up! I was enrolled in the Nursing program and one requirement was that I maintain at least a "B" average for the first semester. In one class in particular, not even a nursing class I might add, a got a "B-". What screwed me was that the class was only offered once a week and I missed 2 classes of the 6 week semester when I was in the hospital. At first the professor told me not to worry too much, that if she felt I was in jeopardy of falling behind, she'd offer assistance. Surprise, she didn't! Instead she bitched that more than half the class too were failing. Umm, I don't know about you but I see this as a major dent in the schools plans. Now half their nursing students will have to wait till next summer to retake the class and continue on, if they haven't already decided to transfer out like I am. So to Touro College...I offer a big $7,000 a semester FOAD!

Ahh, this certainly is therapeutic.

Ok my final FOAD goes out to... ironically, FOADT.com. WTF happened to the site? I suppose this means I'll have to actually read everyones blogs for their FOAD shouts?!

Oh well... Happy FOAD'ing!

Shut up & Go to Bed

Ever stop to look around you? Seriously, stop. Look at your kids and see them for what they are now, not what you remember them being. My oldest daughter is 10 now and is growing to be quite a cutie. The little one, well she's suddenly 6 and growing into her chubby little frame. My daughters are beautiful. No matter how mean these city streets can be, I pray they'll always be like they are now, my angels!

...been doing alot of thinking lately. I've got all this free time on my hands and nothing to do with it.

Ok, I'm tired as hell and doing that blabbing before bed stuff again, aren't I? You can close the page if you want to or just lay here in bed until we both talk each other to sleep. C'mon I'm a good listener.

I'll have a special FOAD tomorrow for my stupid-visor whom doesn't seem to grasp the whole 'I'm off duty so leave me the f*ck alone idea'. Thanks alot ass for waking me up at 6am and pretty much ruining my entire day! Hopefully I'll wake up on the better side tomorrow and end the day with a bang... quite literally of course ;)


Goodnight!

Where'd Yesterday Go?

Damn, time flies. Tomorrow is not only the first day of school for the kids, but also my baby's 6th birthday. I cant believe this summer went by so quickly. I sorta feel guilty for not being able to celebrate it like we usually do. Most summers we fly out of town and either visit FL or have come here to NY. The Friday nights at Coney Island to see the fire works on the beach, the trips to Riis Beach, goofing around at the pool every afternoon, the late night Carvel runs in our PJ's. We missed it all. This summer I was so caught up in school and other things. Now look... before I knew it, it was all gone. Oh well, the beaches may no longer be legally open, but I've got some catching up to do.


Wow.. Thinking even further, these past 6 years seemed to fly even faster. Seems like just yesterday I was chasing Gabby around the house.

Happy Birthday Baby!
XOXOXO

...Another boring night at work.

Nothing

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing at all. Not calling him everytime I think of him. Not wishing I was with him. Giving him the space he needs. Doing nothing...

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday the girls and I went to a waterpark to celebrate my daughters 6th birthday. I've gotta pat myself on the back, I think I'm a pretty damn cool mom. It doesn't take much to convince my kids to go on the scary water rides that even some of the adults chickened out on, and not too many parents can laugh off half the stuff we do. My daughters truly are and always will be my best friends and reason for waking up each and everyday.

Then of course the day ended much like it has for the past three years, with me having to leave them with Granny while I go to work. Only, last night I agreed to work on the road with Smiley. I had a great time too, we laughed just about all night cracking cheesy jokes at one another. I really enjoy breaking out of my normal routine and going on the road. If they'd give me the opportunity I'd do it everyday rather than dispatching.

One call in particular had me thinking last night though. We got a call for an elderly woman whom had an episode of choking prior to our arrival, but her daughter wanted her to be checked out anyway. Mom was 91 years old, blind and unable to function on her own. Her daughter, whom was at least 50 herself, had dedicated her entire life to caring for her mom. No husband, no children...just the two of them (which I might add is very uncommon for religious Jews as they were). After doing my assessment, I determined mom's lungs were clear & her vitals were stable and agreed to go the extra distance to their hospital of choice some 20 miles away in the city.

In those 20 miles, while mom slept comfortably, the daughter began to express her emotions and discussed her fears earlier in the evening. As her mom was simply having difficulty coughing, she honestly thought her mom was choking. She admitted to straddling her on the bed doing the Heimlich maneuver and praying that God wouldn't take her mom from her. Luckily he didn't this night... but what about tomorrow?

After the call was over, my greatest mommy buzz was gone. Replaced with worry for the daughter. What would she do if she ever really did lose her mom? Would she become one of the psych's or the dysfunctions that I deal with too?

You dedicate your entire life to serving someone else... and then they leave, sometimes unexpectantly.

Ok, I probably picked a really bad time, but I think successfully weaned myself off my heart meds. Seems like many people are choosing to turn their backs to me lately including my cardiologist. This week we were supposed to discuss slowly discontinuing my beta blockers, but since he's not around anymore and I don't want any new quack messing with me, I decided to do it myself. I'll be honest, there were some nights I was really uncomfortable and weren't sure I'd wake up. Now however, I'm feeling better with the exception of being in a real bitchy mood. Still... not in the mood for FOAD's tonight, sorry.

Ok I finally decided to post some blogs I was keeping private. Now, I use blogging as a way to deal with my everyday problems not entertainment for anyone else. If I wanna bitch and complain about being ejected from the nursing program or some ass that pissed me off at work, this is where I'll do it. Why anyone else would be interested in hearing any of it is beyond me, but there'll be no more holding back on my part.

I spent the entire evening writing a blog for tonight, but I'm not posting it. Sorry to disappoint you, seems I've been doing plenty of that lately. Anyway, I just don't feel the same as I did 2 hours ago. I'm hoping that this is an emotion that will be short lived, but much like drunk dialing (or drunk blogging in my case) What I say about how I feel now, may not reflect how I feel in the morning.

I'll get back at 'cha, k?!

I'm Sorry

Sometimes in life we do things we regret. I try not to hold regrets, mainly because each has taught me a valuable lesson and has made me stronger. Now however, I feel weaker than ever. My kindness and wanting to help people through tough times has backfired in my face. I know at this point there's probably nothing I can say to make things right again, but please know... I'm sorry!

They Do Exist

Would you consider being emotional a weakness? I've never told anyone this but on a regular basis I feel some very real cardiac symptoms at the onset of stressor's. I can deal with the stress of work just fine, its emotional stress that seems to take its toll on me. In fact the morning I was first carried away from my office in Tachycardia my divorce papers lay on top my desk for me to sign.

In my experience in the health care industry, I've heard of people dying of broken hearts but never until I've experienced my own have I truly believed it to be true. A recent study at Johns Hopkins confirms my fears, but offers hope too.

Two weeks ago I found myself in the hospital once again feeling some distress after learning that someone wasn't being completely honest with me. It broke my heart and the mold I envisioned. Still after that, I wasn't prepared for what I was told tonight.

I know that traditionally, with today being Thursday and all your probably expecting me to bitch and shout off my FOAD's. Today however I'm gonna write about all the great friends I have(real ones not myspace ones) that help turn my frown upside down regularly.

Last night I was stuck dispatching all night rather than studying for my psych final and getting some sleep. When my shift ended I was rather disappointed by a broken promise from Nick. But as soon as soon I stepped out of the office I was greeted by some morning staff whom I haven't seen in quite some time. I must say, somehow in all the mess in my mind I completely forgot how long its been since I've seen some of them. Then on my ride home I began to think about what we discussed in psych class. When we're going through difficult times, we often seek something or someone to make us feel better. Its part of a healthy healing process.

Feeling under the Weather

In literary works, rain typically symbolizes change. Although we're not being slammed with a hurricane like Mexico is, it has been cold and wet here in NY for the past two days. Hopefully its just the gloomy weather that has me feeling blue. I still cant help but feel like there's some changes that I'll have no choice but live with soon.