The Special FOAD

Ok, I know it's not FOAD Thursday, but I'm gonna bitch anyway. I'm seriously having the worst day I've seen in a long time. Lets see where should I start.

This morning started off as usual except before going to class I didn't nap today. For some reason, I've been unable to eat or sleep properly. Well anyway, I log onto myspace and check my emails and stalk some people. Today I chose to browse the Ex-husbands page and what I saw had me really pissed. I took a deep breath and kept moving though.

At school I scored 1 point lower than what's required of me on an A&P test. No biggie though, I can make up for it on the final next week. Then class was over and It was time to register for next semester, only they wouldn't let me because I still have a $3500 balance for this semester. They're giving me until Wednesday to get the loan that I applied for. Once again I took a deep breath and kept marching on. I'm a pretty strong woman and can tolerate most anything thrown my way.

After arriving home, I make the kids and my dad lunch. Made sure everyone would be ok If I took a nap. I was finally able to get some pretty decent sleep, when all of a sudden mom wakes me up and tells me that I should've been at work 15 minutes ago. Damn! I hurry to get ready and arrive 30 minutes late. Luckily no one complained, oh... but they are mandating me to stay 2 hours late in the morning. Thanks!

But wait... It gets better. After I arrived, I decided to get something from my car. Apparently someone decided to break into my car. They were probably looking for something of value, but were unsuccessful. They were however successful in putting me in this really bad mood I'm on now. F*cking crack heads have to make everyone else around them miserable, to satisfy their f*cking habits! WTF?! So now instead of going home to sleep in the morning, I've gotta go shopping for a new rear window.

So... to all you crack heads, bursars, supervisors who don't have the balls to confront me in person and instead send an email and the ever-so-popular Ex's. A big F*ck Off And Die to ya!

Parenting

As parents we often wonder if were doing a good job raising our children. I'm told quite often that I'm doing quite well. But until I see the actual results in motion, It's hard to contemplate.

My children have seen way more than they've deserved. They've packed up and started over again three times before the age of 8 and 3 respectively. As a child, I cringed at the idea of moving and having to make new friends again. Arriana on the otherhand has been a real trooper, she's come through quite well. Gabby, well... she was so young that her collective memory really wouldn't allow her to remember much thankfully, or maybe not so.

Anyway I bring this up because, the kids are now at daycamp. As I lay here alone in bed and grabbed the covers, I remember what Gabby did to me this morning. In the past three days I've gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep. Between work and school, I've had little time to spend sleeping after first making sure their needs are being met. This morning I arrived home at 6:30 and decided I'd try to sneak in a quick nap. I layed on the sofa purposly not using a blanket, affraid i'd get too comfortable and oversleep. Well a few minutes later Gabby comes from her room and covers me with her blanket, like the sweet little girl does with her baby dolls. Making sure my feet were covered and even kissed me on the forehead. I suppose this means I'm doing a good job teaching her love, and how to make others feel good.

Then there's Arriana. She's exactly as I was at her age. Most of her friends are boys, because well.. there's too much drama from the girls, besides its more fun to challange the boys to video games anyway! Arriana puts on a tough face. She rarely shares her true feelings. During the divorce, I'd often find her fighting to hold back the tears... just as I did. Apparently I was so afraid of scaring the kids by crying in front of them, that instead it taught her to try to hide her own too. I laugh at her every morning when I drop her off at camp or school, being the grown girl she thinks she is, she wont kiss me goodbye in public anymore, lol. But last night she sent me an email at work. She wrote me a song. A sweet little song about her being thankful for all I've done for her. My babies have me an emotional wreck as I write this. I love them so much! I'll tell you one thing I'm certain of, there's nothing in the world compared to the love I have for my daughters.

Takes One to Know One

I took my psychology mid term today, even stayed a bit late to get it graded. How did I score? I got an A+. Woo hoo! How could you expect anything less?! It takes a psych to know one! It's no secret that I've got some qualities of an EDP. Me and my psych patients/friends actually get along quite well, in fact I saw one just a few minutes ago.
...Nothing like your demented neighbor asking you for the 20th time about your marriage and having to explain once again that I'm single now. Or how about the patient that had severe Alzheimer's and Dementia that wanted to enjoy the breeze during one of Florida's famous hurricanes? And me letting her!

Ma'am, Can I Have Another Please?

Last night I was in yet another bridal party. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for seeing two people happily in love with one another and all, but when the last of your friends is married off and someone jokingly asks who's left and they all look at me?! That's when I drink up some more and get my ass away from the table. I've been there, done that. Not to say I wouldn't do it again. I just don't see it in the foreseeable future. C'mon, I'm still paying for my divorce.

I'd be lying if I said that I don't miss being married though. Its what I miss about the marriage that might surprise you. I miss laying in bed at night and having someone to talk to. Someone to listen to my babbling as I would his. Someone to make all my troubles disappear with a simple kiss. To remind me that no matter how bad we want to, we cant stay in bed all day as he turns off the snooze button in the morning.

...Now that I think about it, what I miss the most has nothing to do with a legal document.

Anyways, best of luck to Jim & Ronnie!

Expect the Unexpected

I took sometime today to discuss my concerns about school with my advisor. I'm worried that if I dont get at least a "B" in all classes that I'll be kicked out of the Nursing Program. I sent an email to the professor as she suggested.

Damn, If a Tornado can touch down in Brooklyn...I should be able to do this. Anything's possible!

Taste of Brooklyn? :P

Everyone deserves a day off. Well today I decided to escape it all and spend the day with BeachBoy at... you've guessed it, the beach. We shared a few spots in Brooklyn including Coney Island. I really had a good time. As usual, spending the day at the beach has left me literally wiped out. There's so much I wanna say and so much I wanna tell you about us, but right now I need to wash the sand out of my crack and open my nutrition text books before I get my ass kicked out of school.
Have a Good Night.

-Oh and on a side note. Congrats Ang on creating your own blog. Hope it's as therapeutic for you as mine is for me!

I don't get it, I had so many great ideas to write about today. Now however, I cant think of a damn thing to discuss.
Oh well... I'll try again later!

FOAD or Lack There Of

Ok, don't be disappointed. Although today is FOAD Thursday, and I have every right to bitch about anyone and everyone who's pissed me off lately, I'm just not feeling it. I took a long walk along my favorite beach today and took time to reflect on some things; One being school. I had a horrible day in class today after learning that I may not be doing well enough to continue in the nursing program. I need to kick my ass into gear and seriously study if I wanna prove that old people can do this college thing too.

Next was the renewed desire for my own place to call home. If it weren't for me being in school right now, I'd probably be moving into another apartment.

Finally... the walk in its self brought about pleasant memories that hold a special place in my heart. Other than the kids and their 5 minute walk with me, there's only one other person I've walked that path with. I hope I never forget how lost in the moment I felt as we tried to make our way back to the car.

Ok I'll stop, I know... today's a day of bitching, sorry!

Potential & Kinetics

Potential energy is stored energy. A drawn bow, stores energy from the pull as potential energy until it is released.

Kinetic energy alternatively is the actual energy in use or motion.

Why the science lesson? Well... I feel like I'm living a life with lots of potential, but doing nothing to use it. In school, at work and in relationships. I know I have the potential to do better in school if I could find the right balance at work and home. As for relationships, I already find myself avoiding calls from all the people of whom I have no concern for anymore. I need to stay on track and turn my potential energy, thats been stored away for 3 years, into kinetic energy.

Choices

We're faced with many choices in life. Deciding where to go, what to do and with whom to do it is your choosing. If I could sit here and decide where to be, I'd choose a big house with a wrap around porch. Where? Perhaps in the country somewhere or maybe a lakefront home. The "with who" part... well that's when things get difficult.

Life can be difficult and having someone to go through it and walk beside you can make a world of a difference. I have several friends whom just like me, have been burnt by past relationships. I guess I must have made it through pretty well because many of them still look to me for advice. I'll be the first to admit I could've worked harder on my marriage, but I know better now, and I'll use all these lessons should I choose to share with someone once again. But for now, I'm content with the way things are.

...until I got an email from my supervisor telling me that my shift at work is being eliminated, that I must choose another one. While I could choose to return to dispatching on overnights, it'll leave no time for sleep. I could choose the afternoon shift, but then I wouldn't see my girls very often. Or I could choose to dispatch only on weekends and go on the road more often which would satisfy another addiction.

Ahh... decisions, decisions.

The Simpsons The Movie

I've enjoyed watching The Simpsons since I was a kid, so naturally when I heard of them making a movie, I insisted on seeing it. I slept kinda late today, but was reminded by the girls of the movie premiering this weekend. So although we didnt make it to our normal theatre and Gabby would've rather had gone to Coney Island, we did nontheless get to see the movie.

I must say they certainly surprised me. I've seen many TV shows attempting a feature movie that usually turns out to be a 30 minute episode turned into a dragged out 2 hour long movie. The Simpsons however was actually enjoyable. With the exception of seeing Barts weiner, the movie was pretty cute. Totally worth the drive into Queens to see it!

Blah

Today's post will be brief. I feel like crap today. So nauseous and just feeling...blah.

I'm kinda disappointed with a couple of things and a few people, but hey if you never put all your trust in them in the first place you really shouldn't be disappointed, right?!

On a brighter note, I'm off from school today. Thank God for them Jews and all their holidays!

Ok I'm going back to bed now. TTYL

So Pissed

I'm so upset right now. I just learned that the new dispatcher is spreading rumors about me at work. Yeah, granted I have many friends that just so happen to be guys. Shit, more than half of the people working there are guys, and the girls are mostly b*tches like her. No wonder I tend to befriend the guys. Does that make me a hoe? Well apparently in her eyes I am!

She's telling people that I "get around". WTF?!

Let me set this straight. I'll admit that I have many friends at work. I'm the kind of person that values friendship more than a good f*ck. I've ended relationships because I felt they interfered with my job. Don't confuse me for you or any of your skanky friends! If and when I choose to be with someone romantically, that's my business and none of yours & I wouldn't bring it to work so neither should you! Your like a cat falling and grabbing everyone around you to fall too. Keep trying to find fault b*tch!

Long Overdue FOAD

Ok, Boys and Girls. It's been a while, but here comes a long overdue FOAD.





First, to the sorry excuse of a father whom thinks that sending comments on myspace is quality communication between him and his daughters. C'mon , no wonder our relationship failed. But seriously, didn't you learn anything in the parenting classes the State forced you to take?! Or did you skip that class too?

Next to the asshole new dispatcher. When you show up to work 2 hours late and see that I've been covering for you so that your supervisor wouldn't been woken from his sleep, the least you can do is thank me. It's one thing to not even call in the first place, but to be a total bitch all night long too! ...Hope you choke on that second big mack in your lunch box, FOAD!

Ahh... I'm feeling better all ready!

And finally to my nutrition Professor whom jumps on my ass for being 5 minutes late to class. Whom had me up till 2am yesterday morning studying for our midterm. A midterm that she postponed an hour after it was supposed to begin, after realizing that she was running too late. Karma's a bitch isnt it?! FOAD... after giving me my "B" of course.

Arghhhh

Ok, I'm in A & P class right now, but rather than listen to the lecture, I'm blogging. Why? Because I cant understand a damn word my professor is speaking! Let me create a visual for you. Professor Mary (we wont dare try to pronounce her last name) is about 4'7", speaks softly and with a rather heavy accent. No wonder I feel like A&P is kicking my ass. I'm doing it almost entirely self study, with the exception of the goofing around in the lab.
I can only hope I make it through with at least a "B" otherwise I'll get booted from the nursing program.

My Fix

As it turns out, I'm not doing as bad in class as first thought. I'm averaging about a "B" right now. Which is cool, but If I can keep my ass out of the hospital I'd do much better.

...totally changing the subject.

Ever have the feeling like you just wanna run away? Run from all your problems. Just pack up, move and begin again?



I've been thinking alot lately about this. See, I can separate the past 10 years of my life by 3 year intervals in which each ended or resulted to my moving both physically as well as figuratively. First my getting married and moving to Louisiana. Next, the military discharging us due to his near-death experience and our moving to Florida. Then we separated and I came back to NY with the kids. There's a whole lot more to that last bit than just that, but I'll save that for another post.

Moreover, looking back... each time I've had a major life event take place, I've moved. Now on the other hand I've signed contracts with my school and borrowed so much money to fund it, that dropping out and moving to another state wouldn't be a very smart choice. I just feel the need for a change. Like an addict going through withdrawal, I feel the need for my fix.

I'm gonna stop now, this probably makes no sense to anyone but me.... sigh!

...For Now

Well I played hookie from school today. I just sorta feel blah. I called the doc this morning to see if my INR results were finally back. They were, and I'm finally back in the "safe zone". No need to worry about that for now.

This whole 2nd PE has really set me back again. If it weren't for the distraction of Dawg's tragedy, I probably would've been a mess much earlier. Now I'm just a depressed sap. I really would like to take sometime to reflect on all thats been going on in my life. Try to simplify things. But the truth is, by doing so, I may be complicating things even more. So I'll settle for blogging about it for now.

Sunday

Well, Its Sunday. Not much to do today, but wanted to send some love anyway. If something noteworthy occurs, I'll update ya. Hopefully I can stay in my pj's all day!

The One Person I Cant Protect

I haven't blogged in a very long time, but there's something else I haven't done in a while either that I did today... I cried. With the exception of the news I heard while in the hospital about Dawg and his loss, I haven't wept in quite some time. My doctor called me yesterday and requested that I see him today. I assumed, like everyone else, he was concerned about my coumadin levels staying therapeutic. If they fall below safe levels again, I may not survive another pulmonary embolism or many of the other complications blood clots can cause. So I agreed to come in and supply those blood thirsty vampires with another weekly sample.

However doc wanted to physically see my this time. Apparently my last test showed that I've fallen back down to sub-therapeutic levels. Of course he began lecturing me assuming that I'd missed more doses. This time however, it wasn't my fault. I've been following the medication schedule religiously. We discussed the possible causes of the drops and a few theories that we'd really rather not consider. I convinced him to allow me to give another sample, re-check the levels and at the first sign of trouble, I'd go to the hospital.

Why is my body defying me? I've struggled most of my life to protect and improve that of those around me. But the one person I cant... is myself.

Note on the windshield of my heart

The past two weeks have been amazing. It all began with that saturday morning. I was coming home from work, tired, sleepy and yet still attractive in your eyes for some reason. I remember walking away from my parking spot feeling like I was being watched. I paused for a moment in the lobby, something told me to look back. I did briefly, but not sure of what I supposed to see, I continued on my way. Went home and shortly after went to bed.

Hours later I was awakened by my mother with a note in hand. It was simple, yet mysterious. The kind I've dreamed of getting in one of my many romantic fantasies. Reluctant at first to reply, I decided to take a chance anyway, and with my history they dont usually end well. I've sort of put up this wall around me, not allowing anyone else in for quite some time. But for some reason you seemed to have created a door of your own and walked right through it.
Have you ever heard the saying " some people come into your life for a reason, even if only for a season"? You came into my life, and showed me that I could have fun again. I can get excited about seeing someone, but not having to worry about impressing anyone. It was ok for me to be myself and still be considered attractive.