Here i sit in an empty house, not even my house. I left my empty house to come to moms because with Hubby away till saturday, my place was just too lonely. Where's mom? Oh yeah she's working now. Mark? So is he. Joey and Ann? yep their gone too.

So... what do I do without the people I surround with my love all day? I was their dirty underwear! LOL

Have a good day ya'll!!!

I'm So Vexed

So just the other day I get an email from my ex husband trying to pin his personal and financial problems on me. Trying to intimidate me, he offers to make amends by my allowing him to claim the girls on his taxes this year.

What?!

Dude, your problems are all self inflicted! You wrote those bad checks, you refused to go to court, your the one who refuses to get a job and pay child support! Don't look to me for help while you turned your back on me and the kids and DON'T expect me to allow you to take more money from us!

That was the end of the conversation... so I thought. I decided to hurry and file my returns just in case he tried anyway. I filed my returns with the IRS on the very first day they allowed you to do so, only to discover he beat me to it. Dude actually had the nerve to file their social security numbers despite my refusing to allow him.

So... the money I expected to fund our vacation will instead be tied up and we can both look forward to audits now. Thanks alot Asshat!

Too Blessed to be Stressed

As the days pass, I become more and more pleased with the decisions I've made in life. I've learned not to dwell on things in the past and to instead appreciate things in my possession today. I wake up every morning beside a man I love more than I ever imagined possible, that loves my children and family as if they were his own. I end each day praying for another tomorrow.

Words can never express just how much he means to me, so I don't expect anyone else to understand the words that I write. Its for me, as is he.

Flying off into the sunset

Most goodbye's are merely farewell for now's, some however really are goodbye forever's. We've known this day would come for quite sometime now, but saying goodbye to someone who's meant so much to me just... just doesn't sit well.
What was he? A friend? A lover? While neither seems to fit appropriately, one things for sure. We shall be no more. We shared many personal common goals and allowed each other to be completely honest, sharing our deepest thoughts without fear or prejudice. We both know how hard its been being away from his kids for three years, and sometimes were willing to do things that might compromise our own happiness for the sake of them.
While we may not be certain of what the future brings, I realize that this is something we both need to do. Farewell my dear friend.

I'm trying to be strong Dad, I really am. But just like everything else... you taught me to hide my pain. I shouldve been there, I'm sorry. I miss you more than anything else in the world and nothing will ever take this pain away.
I'm trying my best to take care of Mom for you daddy, she missed you too. Its hard to believe we survived another holiday season without you.

At All

Lets just say hypothetically speaking, someone you love very much gets some grim news from their doctor. They've decided not to fight back and take a more passive approach after years of struggling with debilitating pain.
You know that loving him/her and allowing him in your life will end in heartache sometime in the near future. Do you love him/her with all that you have? Keep them strong enough to fight back?

'TIS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST, THAN NEVER TO HAVE LOVED AT ALL; Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Farewell

Let me paint a picture if you don't mind....





You reach out to your best friend, who's a nurse, for advice and support after just going through a pretty scary situation. Your frightened at the thought of a relapse so you seek her help. However rather than be a friend and offer support she throws some other inappropriate shit in your face and tells you she doesn't want to hear what you have to say.



How do you react? Do you argue back or ignore her like you've done in the past when she's said hurtful full things? Like the time she called you irresponsible, or how about when she said I was hurting the kids? Once again I ignored and decided I WILL NOT allow any more negativity in my life. I couldve thrown thousands of things in her face that she did that was wrong, but a good friend doesn't say things to hurt you. I want one that'll offer the same support and love as I do.



The days have turned into weeks and still nothing... then I read on facebook that she had a party for the kids on Halloween, a holiday we used to share together. Did I know or were my kids invited? Nope! I secretly hoped that my best friend would come through. That she'd realize that despite our feelings about the men we choose to be with, that we had something not worth allowing those differences to get between us. However after all this and seeing this new bit of info I realize I'm not dealing with Ang anymore, she's Mrs Rog now.



I wish her the best and hope he does her right.

Treats and Tricks

Yesterday was Halloween, a day the girls and I really enjoy every year. Some view the holiday as a dark holiday celebrating witchcraft and idolizing the devil. That very well may be true for some people, but as for me and my home we celebrate an American tradition in which we dress up as an imaginary character and visit neighbors homes for candy treats. Nothing more, and no secret demonic rituals after dark.
Yesterday was also a landmark day in our relationship, the day his and mine became ours as we all shared our first holiday together. Thankfully all went well and the girls had a great time together. Its just a shame I had to come to work tonight. I really would've liked to be home with them, but once again my job makes my goals for my family life a bit more difficult to achieve. The next time they ask me for a favor, I'll remember this time when I really wanted one myself.

Arghhh

I'm so pisssed right now and need to vent! I'm supposed to get off at 7am after working a 12 hr shift. My relief is never, I repeat NEVER on time. So this morning I wasnt very surprised when she called at 0640 to say that she was running late. Apparently her late night partying has led her to some legal problems and she was involved in a fight that led to someone getting stabbed. She's being taken to the local police station for questioning and doesnt know how long they'll keep her.

Now I dont like to talk crap about people, but when you hold a professional license to provide care to sick and elderly people you should also be willing to be a model citizen. This includes not getting yourself involved in unethical activities after hours! Infact your ass should be home sleeping so you have the well rested mind ready to apply the critical thinking skills required of you at work.

But... Im not her supervisor. Who am I to complain?!

Thank You my blogger audience for hearing my roar :-P

Words can be more fierce than a Sword

Sometimes we dont realize the weight behind our words. After what happened Thursday, my Hero cancelled his own doctors appointments and tried getting out of work to stay and take care of me. While I really do appreciated the help and concern, It saddens me to think of my loved ones going through another ordeal with me getting sick again.

Ang was no help and just made me more emotional. While laying in bed together this morning, my Hero asked how I was feeling and I told him how much it bothers me to know that he and others are worried about me. In doing so, I started a huge disagreement that nearly ended our relationship. He was very upset and offended by my words. Did I not want him to care? Of course I do. I just dont want him to hurt. Instead of getting the intended message, he heard that I dont want him to take care of me and help me. If something happened to him, I obviously would support him, so why then wont I let him do the same for me?

I suppose it all comes down to not feeling vulnerable again, still scarred from my past or maybe a combination of it all. Nontheless after hours that felt like months apart and buckets of tears. We've decided we're gonna work on my fears, my doubts and most importantly my getting better.

Hunting Season's Over

Something happened yesterday, something life changing. While in the shower I suddenly collapsed. Thank God Im sleeping with an EMT who immediatly rushed to my aide. I dont know if its cardiac related or maybe my glucose being too low, I just know that the thought of dealing with another health crisis scares the crap out of me.

So... naturally I reached out to my best friend for advice and support. Instead I got something far different. Infact I got bullets thrown at me. I wont be returning to the range anytime soon. Im done with the attacks.

Gava

Another one?! No Way!

I'm happy for you, I really am. I just really wish it were me celebrating. I can only hope that one day I'll be in your swollen shoes.

Woo Hoo

Ok I know I promised I wouldn't blog about you babe, but I cant help but want to shout from the tallest building just how in love I am!

Signed and Sealed with a Kiss

Its official... as of 3:45 pm today, I'm officially divorced! Goodbye loser!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

My emotions got the better of me and I sent a copy of that last blog entry to him. The response was all I needed to pack up my emotional baggage and get to steppin'. I wake up this morning was a text message telling me he "didnt wanna be friends anymore but would really like to bust a nut". WTF?

Are you for real? So I replied: "Wow thats really fucked up!"
He later replied that we really didnt need to talk, that we could just do whatever and leave. Still in disbelief that he would be this dis-respectful to someone he once referred to as being his best friend, I replied: "No I love myself more than that... sorry".

I'm still in aw... how could he do me so wrong and be so hurtful? Whatever... It was all I needed to push on and focus on someone deserving of my love. Thank you Lord for giving me this closure!

Look into the Crystal Ball

We keep company that makes us feel good. Someone that brings out the best in us. A few years ago I met someone that helped me forget my many struggles, even if only for the brief time we spent chatting in his car. Our friendship grew stronger and stronger and we began to fully confide in one another our deepest feelings.
I soon after fell for my best friend. He was all I could think about day and night. All I ever wanted... smart, funny, a hard worker, a dreamer and most importantly a good dad to his kids. Everything I sought in a partner.
Just as fate brought us together in an instant, it tore us apart too. His son was in a horrible accident and though he survived, it left a huge psychological burdon on his protective dad. Initially we still spoke everyday though he was 1000 miles away. I knew he was struggling with the impact the accident left, but still held onto hopes that the friend I once loved would soon return. Months later, when he was still struggling, the Dr prescribed him medication. With the swallow of the pill I lost my best friend. In his place stood a man with no emotion, no passion and nothing worth smiling about anymore. Still, I held onto hope that when he returned to NYC I'd be able to help him get better. Instead things got worse.
The days turned into weeks as I wouldn't hear from him. I sent emails and messages no which I got no response. Id check his phone records for some reassurance he was alive and well, and instead I'd find he's been chatting with many other females. So why not me? We keep company that makes us happy. I suppose I stopped making him happy. Instead of confronting him, I did the same. I began chatting with guys that made me feel good as he once did.
He once told me he wished he could look into a crystal ball and see where we'd be in a few years. Never in a million years would I have imagined our relationship would've ended the way it did.

Time

"...I'd Have To"

I'm back from outer space. I haven't been blogging much... I'm sorry. I just hate having to come here to complain about little stuff when there's so much worse going on around me. However by not communicating or expressing my thoughts and emotions, I finally exploded. What did it for me? A simple comment.

While having a brief conversation in the elevator with HIM, I confirmed my fear. Things really are very much different than they were last year, as was his answer in comparison to the answer he gave last year. Hearing him say that he'd have to simply disappear one day without notice made me realize that I really have been nothing more than a work related benefit for use at his disposal. And by accepting it I've cheating myself of all I truly deserve.

I reflect on many good memories between us and the many dreams we once shared and it brings tears to my eyes to think of it coming to an end, but in all reality It really ended months ago.

Please Remember