Conscience Working Overtime Again

I was getting in the shower tonight, which always prompts questioning from the kids. Like my little gate keeper, Gabby asks: "Where you going mom?"

I replied that I was getting ready to take a friend to the airport then going to work.

Then she says, "but its summer now, I thought parents have to stay home and spend time with their kids when schools out?"

Ahh, the joys of parenthood!

So, me being me, I felt guilty. Lucky for me I'm working in the office tonight... with the help of my little assistant.

I'm Going Back

...Guess I've made up my mind.

Dear Lisa,

Thank you for completing your application to The City University of New York....

I Wanna Live

Ever hear something and take it totally out of context?

Today I was supposed to take the kids fishing but instead opted for the theater. Once again, I got stuck working late last night and since the kids waited up for me to get home, they too weren't excited to hear the alarm go off at 6am the first day of their summer. So we agreed to put it off till next week and see the new Disney flick Wall-E.

I'm not gonna sit here and tell you how watching another love story made me sick to my stomach... literally, not a single word about the plants that grow pizza, or even why sex in space is illegal. Instead I'm gonna dwell on a particular quote from one of the characters whom said "I don't wanna survive, I wanna Live!"

How can something so small have such a big impact?! In the case of the movie, the captain of the space ship wanted to return to Earth. In my world though, I'm coming to realize that I've been doing that...surviving. I haven't taken many chances, being especially careful since almost losing my life last year. I know I don't belong here though, not in NYC at least. I know I'm not doing what I was destined to do either, instead I decided to take the practical way out with my world revolving around my kids.

I've done enough surviving, I wanna live!

Right Love, Wrong Time

Remember that dumb survey I did yesterday? There was this one particular quote that I purposely omitted that has me seriously pondering:

Everyone in the dating game has, at one point or another, had nagging questions about whether a certain person is worth their time and energy. The answer depends on what you want and need from the person at that particular time in your life (let’s not forget, when it comes to love, timing is everything).

"When it comes to love timing is everything". I repeat, "When it comes to love timing is everything". That quote can be taken and torn into dozens of interpretations. Wanna know what I think about it?!

I think its totally conceivable that you could find someone with all the traits you look for in a mate. Someone who allows you to be yourself, makes you smile just thinking about him/her, knows just what to say to make the hurt go away. Your best friend, your love... but at the wrong time. He or She may be getting over a failed marriage, or even worse... still in one.

Allow me to rewind for a minute, 4 years ago I lived in Florida. My husband and I had just separated and I was an emotional wreck. One day I met this older gentleman online and discovered he lived in my town. Joe was everything I thought I needed at that moment. He was a family man, financially stable and understood my cheesy jokes. Joe took me to places and made me feel like a queen, but he knew I wasnt over my situation and never made a move on me. If the situation were different, I'm sure we could've had a happy relationship. But the timing was wrong.

I mention this today because I realize no matter how much I try. No matter how certain I am, no matter how much I wish I could be with Nick, the timing for him is just too wrong. I'm his Joe right now, so to speak. Could I accept a good friendship or would I be holding on to false hopes?

While I may be uncertain about our future, I know one thing is certain. I just cant seem to see my life without him.

Damn Surveys

Ever do one of those online surveys?

I'm not convinced that by answering a hand full of questions you can determine whether I'm wasting my time with my love interest, but here are my results anyway:

Temperamental [T]: He seems to be very sensitive to circumstances within and outside his control. This can make him look noticeably anxious, irritable, preoccupied or sad at times. In fact, you may find that he overindulges in activities like gambling or drinking to help cope with stress. He may even complain of feelings of panic, isolation or feeling overwhelmed during times of stress or conflict. During these periods, you can also expect him to come across at times as somewhat pessimistic, self-absorbed or entitled.

Be aware that a temperamental love interest often causes women to breakup for reasons related to arguments about him making few or no sacrifices in the relationship. Instead, the women seem to make the significant sacrifices. Therefore, as the relationship progresses it’s crucial to explore to what extent you’ll have to serve as his “anchor” and whether you’re comfortable with such a role.

Guarded [G]: He seems expressive with physical affection, generally speaking. You can also anticipate that he’ll willingly share his views and feelings – especially when he feels a lack of support from his social circle (family, friends and coworkers). But, it’s probably more difficult for him to sustain deeper levels of reciprocal communication. In other words, he may very well disappoint you when it comes to talking about your own thoughts, feelings and concerns. Because of this, you may not always feel like a priority around him. Furthermore, there’s a risk for becoming an emotional “crutch” to someone like this.

Be aware that a guarded love interest often causes women to breakup for reasons related to feeling ignored or that her partner is disconnected and unconcerned with her needs. This can also spur doubts about his honesty and suitability for a committed relationship. Therefore, as the relationship progresses it’s crucial to explore under what circumstances he’s most communicative and affectionate so you can help to ensure your needs will be heard and met.

So, to put it lightly:

If you’re looking for someone solely for a friendship or casual relationship, then your love interest definitely seems to be a keeper. This person’s tendency to be emotionally distant can be a turn off to some, while desirable for someone preferring a bit of distance. If you’re definitely looking for something committed at the moment, we suggest you look elsewhere.

Click Here take your own test and post your scores. Either leave it in my comments or link me to your blog. Let me know what you think about your own evaluation.

Glow baby Glow

I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow. I made this particular appointment to discuss sending me to have another MRI done. Not only will the MRI leave me radioactive for a few hours but it will also tell me if the embolism in my right lung has dissolved. Honestly I believe it has, breathing has been so much easier. I've been able to slowly re-introduce physical activity without many problems.

The question now though is do I stop taking the blood thinner coumadin? See for as long as I can remember I've had circulatory problems. Being on the coumadin while the PE dissolves protected me from any new life threatening clots. Technically speaking its ok to stop taking it after tests prove the PE is gone. Last year I couldn't wait for the day my doctor would finally tell me I could stop taking the meds that make me bruise as easily as a banana and prevent me from tattooing a crashpad on my ass. However on a night like tonight when I'm having slight pain in the chest or the occasional leg cramps, I realize the dangers that still linger and I realize that my anxiety would keep me from being able to comfortably live with the decision to stop taking the meds.

So I'll still go tomorrow, and still be yelled at for accidentally skipping a few doses, but I just couldn't live with the decision to stop them all together.

Lost Without You

Sometimes its easy to forgot just how important someone is to you until its too late and their gone forever. You rely on them for everything, until one day you mess up and suddenly realize their never coming back.

After making it through the storm (quite literally) my buddy who has slept with me every night since I brought her home and has attached herself to my hip has ended our relationship. Boys and Girls... my pink cell phone has died! She's battled walking in the rain while I call for help, text messaging in the shower, even the water park rides at sixflags recently, but nothing could've saved her from the condensation of my iced coffee sitting next to her while she lay on my desk. Nothing except my clumpsy ass who left her there in harms way.

I'm so lost without her. She holds all my peeps safe and warm. My pictures that I never saved. My videos w nick.

I... I don't know what I'll do without her :(

Recap

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, its been a really busy week for me. Lets quickly recap before I get ready for work.

Monday:
I was able to comfort my angel briefly. Hopefully proving that there's more to us than just good sex and I really do care a whole lot about his well being.

Tuesday:
Had a really busy day at work. Circled Gary who was visiting in the city probably half a dozen times. Gheez now I remember why I dont like doing the city... non stop, without even time to pee and still got stuck working 2 hours late!

Wednesday:
Gary and Ang were finally officially introduced. Their both pretty good people. While I may scare the crap out of you at times Ang, please realize that I wouldnt be trying if I didnt think you'd be good together.


Thursday:
My baby graduated elementary school. It literally brought tears to my eyes to see my baby cross the stage into a young woman. Yikes!
Afterwards we celebrated by going to Six Flags. Screamed a bit, got soaked and took home some pretty cool prizes.

Friday:
Doing all the stuff around the house I should've done this week but was too damn busy to.

Gotta go put the clothes in the dryer and start getting ready for work. Good night Y'all!!!

Father's First

I want to begin by wishing all the Dad's a very happy Fathers Day. I know its been said plenty of times that anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad, I cant help but agree though. Not everyone realizes that relationships take consistent work and effort, not only in the love department but in the parenting as well.

Although its been 6 weeks since the passing of my Father, the pain is still as it was the morning I first learned of his sudden death. For the first time this week I realized I wouldn't have a dad to cook breakfast for on Fathers day. That I didn't have a father to shop for, or to simply hug and tell him I love him.

For the first time this father's day I accepted the fact that despite all my grief, daddy's really never coming home. I love you Daddy. Happy First Fathers Day in Heaven!

Angel of Mine

The other day Ang has the nerve to send a text claiming that I was driving her insaine with my music and dancing in traffic. Can you believe it?! I'll be the first to agree though, as did Nick. Until that is, she proved to be even stranger than us with her collection of music. C'mon Ang fess-up. I know you secretly rock with the golden girls and their 80's sitcom songs. I found your CD :P

But one song in particular really stuck with me:



Monica - Angel Of Mine

Bad Day

Ever had a day when seemingly everything that could've gone wrong does? When despite all your efforts, your still stuck with results in which you felt you had very little control over? When something as small as words spoken can create a huge uproar within?

Yeah that sounds about right... except the most bothersome of all is the lack words spoken. I really do miss the old you.

Hopelessly Undecided

A great wise woman just pointed out to me that I'm "hopelessly undecided". I cant help but agree...well kinda.

I've been in NY for nearly 4 years now and still haven't decided if I'm gonna stay. I've been separated from my husband even longer, and just recently realized that I no longer love him. I've applied to colleges here in NY, while applying for employment in 2 other southern states. I'm hopelessly undecided.

Today though, I glanced at the kids that Arriana goes to school with and realized that they're a pretty good group of kids, and have known each other for years. For the most part they'll make the transition to Junior High School quite well without me having to worry about what she'll experience here in NYC. While I'd much rather her be in the south where athletics and manners are more prevalent, I think we'll manage just fine here for a bit longer.

I've also decided that Florida was great and I'd love to go back, but by doing so I'd be taking a very large step back. It would be nearly impossible to continue my education and the drama that living close to the in-laws would create would out weigh any possible good. The only reason I was even considering their particular area was because in all honesty, I'm afraid I cant do this all alone.

While I can save the world, be your best friend and try my damn hardest to be the best mom in the world, the truth is I cant do it without you. I cant trust that everything will be alright. I have to know that If I got admitted in the hospital again that my kids would have someone to pick them up from school. So in my defense I'm justifiably hopelessly undecided.

Pat on the back

I think I've done a pretty good job thus far with my kids. This week my schedule is crammed with graduation events for my eldest daughter Arriana. See I became pregnant with Arriana my senior year of high school. I missed my senior trip, prom and even all the graduation ceremonies, but ask me if I care?! The love I felt when I saw that little girl for the first time can never be relayed in a way to make you understand, and now this week my baby makes the transformation from elementary school student to junior high school.

Arriana started attending school at the young age of only 2. While technically she attended college with me at the age of 18 months, she didn't actually attend her own classes until I began working. I could've left her home with her dad while I worked, but the thought of leaving her home to wander while dad slept and passed the time playing video games was less than ideal for me. Instead I opted to enroll her in a center that began emphasizing the basic foundations of education at an age where most kids weren't even potty trained yet. So it came as no surprise to me that she's excelled in school over the years, receiving several awards along the way. I'm very proud of her accomplishments, I pray that she'll continue to strive for excellence as she enters her years of higher education. While it'll be increasingly difficult to protect her, I know I've given her everything she'll need to continue to make her mama proud. I love you baby! Congratulations!!!

I skip a few days of blogging, and I cant even think of where to begin to catch up. We'll lets start with my last minute mini get away. It was just what I needed, short and sweet.
Oh how sweet it was!

It was nice to finally get a night with him.. an entire night and not have to worry about time, or circumstances. Even better than the coloring though was waking up in the morning and him being the first thing I see. I forgot just how good it felt to be in his arms. Sigh...

Ok I'm too tired to write a decent post. I'll try again tomorrow.

G'night!

Outdoors Fun

Yesterday Ang and I wanted to do something with the kids since they had the day off from school. I convinced her to go to a fav spot of mine rather than a movie. I'm more of an outdoors type while she knows where every mall and fried chicken joint is within a 45 mile radius :P

So, we enjoyed a round of mini golf... which I still cant believe she's never played before, paintball and a few hits in the batting cages. I went there hoping the kids would have fun and to keep from wasting a nice afternoon in the house while I slept. Instead I found relief. Man... hitting them balls felt soo freaking good. I haven't played softball since high school and let me tell you, that shit feels AWESOME! I wonder If I can get away with playing there without the kids and not seem like a dork? Oh well, who gives a shit?! I'm already the worlds greatest dork!


...But then I was reminded this morning why the doctor told me not to play contact sports. I don't care though, I'd do it again anytime!

The $330 Dildo

Could a dildo possibly be worth $330? Well thats about how much it cost me to go shopping for one.

Ang and I had the night out we so desperately wanted, however it didn't go quite as well as we anticipated. We went to the mall earlier in the day and purchased outfits we thought would accentuate our assets but instead settled for something else less revealing in our closets. The movie was better than we thought, its what happened afterwards that ruined the night. We exited the theater and it rained on our parade, quite literally. While we weren't in the mood to go to a bar for drinks any longer, we certainly wouldn't pass on the opportunity to shop at the adult toy store. Lord knows we needed some!

There amongst the creeps, I professed my love for my lesbian girl friend. :P Shit...at least it got the horny drunks off my back. Wonder why it was so easy for them to believe though? Did we really look like we were lesbian lovers? And If so, then why were we shopping for artificial cock, LMAO?!

Anyway when we were done, we hurried to the car in the rain. Only one problem. The car was gone!!! WTF?! Where could it be, who can I call for help?

Right out of a fuckin movie, I glanced up at the collection of signs. Within the 4 signs was one that clearly stated no parking between 2am -6 am M,W & F. Looking back now, I don't know how I missed it, but I did. Walking about 20 blocks in the rain, In heels, and calling everyone I could think of for help, It was then that I realized just how lost I really was. If dad were alive, he'd be the one I could rely on for help. If I had a super hero, I'd call him... but well, that was sorta why Ang and I went out in the first place. Thanks to Ang I made it through the whole ordeal though.

Well let me go give this toy a try and see if it's worth all the drama it caused. G'night!

2 girls looking for sex in the city

I finally received dads medical records yesterday. I must say, they confirmed all my fears. The care that was provided, or lack of shall I say, without a doubt contributed to his death. I was full of emotion last night after reading them and really needed the comfort of my angel, the only man other than dad who i've completely confided in. However he's apparently fighting his own battle and hasn't reached out to me in nearly a week.

So what's a girl to do? Thanks to Ang and a super ice cream sunday, I made it through the anger. We've wanted to spend sometime away from our guys and thanks to the release of the new sex and the city movie, we'll be doing just that. Tonight were leaving the kids with granny and going into the city. We'll catch the movie and head to the adult toy store for some additional pleasure.

Cleaning the Clutter

Summer may be just around the corner, but spring is still here. Today a friend laughed when I turned down his dinner invite before work replying "no, I'm still shampooing my carpet". Yeah OK that's probably the lamest excuse I've ever used, but it was the truth. I suddenly find myself passing the time by doing extra work around the house. In fact I think I'm booked solid for the next few weeks. I think subconsciously I'm finding things to keep myself busy so I don't have to deal with the outside world. While I cant control what happens out there, I can at least control what happens in my house. Besides, taking some time off to see the big picture might be just what I need right now.