Ok It's official. I hate my birthday! It's full of disappointment and broken dreams. Obviously it didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. I'm a hopeless romantic that's been left feeling hopeless. Is it too much to ask for the whole package? A good heart, great sense of humor, honesty, strong sex drive and remembers birthdays?
I guess I was still in fairytale mode and hoped my prince charming would swoon me. I secretly wanted to walk in to work tonight and find flowers on my desk. I wanted a copy of Post Secret with a post-it saying the sender wished to his identity to remain a secret. I wanted him to ask me what I wanted so I can tell him... tell him that he's all I want. Him wrapped up in a bow for me to hold onto all night long.
Wanna plan your death? Can you believe they actually sell casket's on Overstock.com?! But the funniest part is reading the reviews!
Product Reviews Overall Rating: 5 out of 5 Great Casket!!!, Nov 5, 2007 from Pine Bluff, AR
We buried Uncle Joe in this casket last Spring. You won't go wrong on this one. Beautiful ebony exterior, and luxurious velvet within. And roomy? Heck yes! Uncle Joe was not a small man, by any means. But we were able to fit him and three cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon (his favorite) into the casket without any problem whatsoever. In fact, I liked this casket so much, I just bought one for myself. Now, I can't wait to die!
I don't normally write about movies here on my blog, but yesterday Ang and I took our little princesses to see Enchanted the movie. It's really been a while since any classic worthy material has been created by Disney. With the new age came new technology that made it easier to create and animate movies in a relatively short amount of time. In 2004 Disney closed their animation studios in Florida leaving more than 250 animators without work. Since then, I cant recall seeing a single "old fashioned" animated movie created by Disney. I could be wrong, remember I dont get out very often. Nonetheless, the creators of Enchanted found a rather brilliant way to incorporate good old fashioned animation with tangible warm blooded characters.
Enchanted not only enchanted me with the pretty colors on the big screen, but more importantly fed my need for a romantic tale. I wont go too far into details but I definatly recommend anyone with a thirst for romance and happy endings see it. It's so easy for us to get caught up in the craziness of the world today and want to protect our feelings. We sorta put up this invisible barrier not wanting to grant anyone access to our hearts. Our fear of heartache and need for protection prevents us from falling into a G rated fairytale love.
One quote in particular stands out in my mind though. At one point the evil witch attempts to prevent the princess from marrying the prince and throws her into a dark hole where she tells her she's going to a place where there are no "happily ever afters". Can you guess where she ends up? New York City! From what I've observed she's right. A place where divorce rates are steadily climbing and infidelity is more common than monogamy, not just locally but internationally. While I should realize that this is reality, I cant help but hold on to the hope that their all wrong and my prince will come rescue me too.
With today being Thanksgiving and all I've decided it's only appropriate to give thanks. Since there's really no cool way to roll between each, i'll use the bullet post idea.
Thank you:
For allowing me to overcome my personal illnesses with few complications.
For being able to spend another wonderful year with the ones I love.
For giving me the opportunity to challenge myself intellectually.
For the wonderful support network I've had all year long.
For having someone to share my heart with once again.
Being able to spend another year with the ones I love.
I used to be a very religious person and give thanks daily. Now however I find it rather easy to get distracted. Before you know it a holiday sneek's up on ya' and you realize its been an entire year since you've verbalized your gratitude.
Ask me what I love most about my job and I'll tell you saving lives. What I dislike the most however is watching helplessly as some lose their battle. Sometimes no matter how hard I pound on someone's chest or breath air into their lungs, there's just no fighting God's will.
Nothing touches my heart more than watching a child being taken from their parents. While some lose their battles with illnesses, others are mere victims of fate. I've never told anyone this before but my kids and I used to gather at a local sporting club on weekends to swim, but since Watchdog's tragedy we've neither gone to the pool nor the beach. Now I of all people should realize that we cant predict or prevent tragedy, but how do we deal when a child is stricken with something like cancer? On Saturday my neighbor, little Samantha lost her battle with cancer. When most of her graduating kindergarten class were celebrating with parties and such, she was burying her mother whom lost her battle with a lifelong illness. The "miracle child" her grandma called her, stayed strong despite it all and strived through elementary school. Suddenly one day she was struck with a rather complicated illness which was later diagnosed as leukemia. Still as she endured daily chemo treatments she greeted me every morning with a smile as she left in her ambulette. As the days turned into months, she progressively worsened and could no longer walk. The only wheels she'd ever have under her feet again were that of her child sized wheel chair.
While most of my experience only allows me the chance to spend and hour or so at the most with these little angels, the impact they leave on the lives of those around them lasts a lifetime. I wont take another moment for granted. Tonight hug the ones you love a little tighter and hold them a little closer... for you may not have another opportunity.
The Lovers The Lovers represent a powerful union and the harmony of opposites. It represents the combining of two elements to create an even greater entity. This card often represents the formation of a new relationship or the strengthening of a current one. Love can come your way at anytime. There are difficult decisions to be made and conflict may arise when temptation and desire overcome morals and ethics.
On our ride home from Chuck E Cheese with the girls, Ang and I had a conversation that I keep pondering. She mentioned how she'd never date another hispanic man because they all cheat. K, I don't know of one whom hasn't, but still wont give into my latin passion. Then later she mentioned that she's starting to come to the realization that all men cheat. Some get caught while other's don't. Some relationships end while others overcome or even support the swingers lifestyle.
Then I began asking myself, If I would've accepted this lifestyle, where would I be today? Would I still be in my 1/2 acre ranch home in Florida? Would I still be with one of the other otherwise decent guys that just couldn't stay faithful? Where exactly would I be and would I be happy? Sure having wild and passionate sex with a stranger sounds appealing, but call me old fashioned I'd rather it stay between the man I chose to spend my life with rather than someone else with some other communicable disease that I'd be bringing home to my family.
To be honest though, I really doubt now that I'd let something like a one time affair end a relationship with someone I really loved. Sure I'd be heart broken if I were on the receiving end, but if there was enough invested in the relationship, wouldn't it be worth saving?
No you perv's, I'm not talking about the stuff you see in that Adam & Eve catalog. I'm sitting here staring at the blinking cursor, wanting to find something to motivate me to write today. Since I just cant decide on one topic, I'll adopt WatchDog's bullet post idea and throw together a bunch of random shit to tickle and tease you.
Dating as a single parent certainly has it's challenges, but dating a fellow single parent is about as easy as trying to end world hunger. We never get to see each other and it's really starting to get to me.
Thanksgiving is creeping up quickly. Along with that comes my birthday which I never look forward to. I'm always secretly hoping someone would do something spectacular and blow my world away, but instead find myself disappointed and blogging.
I've decided to try a weight loss regime again. I don't care if the guys I date think I look ok, I don't! I'm not one to ask for their approval anyways!
I need a vacation. Other than my brief stays in the CCU, I haven't taken time off for nearly 2 years.
I'm 5 months into my 6 month recovery stage from my last PE and still haven't seen an improvement in my lung function. In fact the past week or so I've seen a pretty significant decline. I need to call my DR, but need someone to remind me. Believe it or not, I don't always think about myself.
And that boys and girls was a brief synopsis of whats going through the mind of a mad woman this evening. Stick around, I'm hoping to use this method and the idea behind PostSecret to reveal some rather random and interesting facts about me.
Do you believe in fortunes and stuff? I added an application on Crackbook that gives you daily tarot card readings as well as horoscopes. It's been getting kinda creepy though. Sure most of the time, I've seen the statements so generalized that they could probably apply to even my 6yr old daughter, but these lately have been kinda freaky.
"Lisa, You might be in charge, but that doesn't give you the right to work other people beyond their capacities. Try not to become intimate with your co-workers. A strong attraction may be there, but it should not be acted upon. Your love life will improve if you get out and enjoy the company of friends and relatives."
What do you say when someone asks you how your doing? Do you give the standard, "fine thank you" or do you give them an ear full? Why do we ask how someone's doing if we really don't care what their reply is anyway? Maybe it's just the my up bringing (which is far from perfect), or my morals, but even If I don't care... I'll still ask.
I'll admit however that sometimes I find myself answering questions about myself and not politely returning the question. Maybe I just don't care too much for the questions being asked, or maybe I just don't care to hear your reply. I don't give a shit what you had for breakfast and when you had your last bowel movement so please don't ask me, K?!
It's quite possible that I'm just PMS'ing right now and can look back at this post next week and laugh, but tonight I'll leave you with that shit on your plate.
Beware: I've been thinking alot again lately. First my annual evaluation at work went quite well. With the timing & Bipolar being fired, I honestly was quite concerned but apparently had no reason to be. I'm a pretty straight forward person. If you have a problem with me, tell me. I'll fix it! Anyway, I'm told I keep a low profile. Apparently so low that the damn president and half the managers don't know my name?! Do I give a shit? Of course not. Keeping a low profile probably isn't a bad idea in that place. But if you ask me to reach out more frequently to them, then I'll do it. The one thing I found most useful however during my meeting was a comment Jeff made about my reply to the "where do you see yourself in 5 yrs" question. I gave him the politically correct "furthering my education to advance my opportunities" answer that any boss would expect to hear, his reply however is what has me thinking.
Jeff suggested that I reconsider my wishes and make sure I'm doing it because I really want it for me, not for any other reason. Is he for real? He's seriously asking me to think some more?!
Ask me now where I want to be in 5 yrs and... I'll tell you otherwise. I want to be as far away from NYC as possible. I want a family again, someone to wake up next to in the morning. Walk to the other end of our Victorian style home to cook Sunday morning breakfast. The kids must've smelled the bacon cooking as they stumble in and offer a hand in the kitchen... So and and so forth.
More than a career, more than furthering my education, more than anything else... I want love and the lifestyle back again. I'll need to sit down and consider just how to make this happen. Unfortunately its not as simple to shop for a companion as it is to apply to a school dropping an application and $25 fee in the mail.
The alarm clock goes off, as usual I beg for mercy and press the snooze button. 5 minutes later it goes off again and I realize I need to get my ass out of bed to get the kids to school on time. I sit up and start my day like I do every morning, walking with one eye barely open, as I leave my room and head to the bathroom to pee. Along the way I pass my living room with brand new ashley leather sofa's and a BUM sleeping on them?!
WTF?! Am I dreaming or did I really just see the same homeless guy who begged me for some change in front of dunkin donuts sleeping on my sofa? Hang on, let me wipe my ass and go back in there. Yes, it's true! Apparently my brother says he was out with him last night and felt bad that he had no where to go. With it being cold and raining he agreed to let the bum sleep on my sofa, without my consent!
See mom... I'm telling you I don't beat the crap out of my little brother for no reason!
I started bitching and blogging about how upset I am with him right now, but then was interrupted by a phone call from Bipolar. Apparently our company decided to "eliminate" his position as my supervisor. I must say he had to have seen if coming though. Seriously, we've watched in awe as nearly half of the supervisors and managers were handed their walking papers in recent months. When the advertisement for Dispatch Supervisor was posted, I immediately knew better than to apply. They're famous for hiring people to help fix things and like the greedy people they are, will drop your ass as soon as they feel they can take control. So what was the incentive for Bipolar to accept the position? A measly $1! Yup you've got it, one whole dollar and three times the work.
I could say I told him so. Seeing as I warned him prior, but he's my friend and I kinda feel for him.
Ever love someone so much that you'd do anything for them? Would you do something totally spontaneous like fly 1000 miles to help him/her? Ok, so your probably wondering how my road trip went with Nick. I couldn't possibly have gone any better. It started rather rough with my flight being delayed 2 hours, which made my brief sightseeing tour run through the dark hours of the night. Nonetheless the trip was full of wonderful surprises and two goof-balls having a blast. When the jokes grew old we spent a few hours talking about our personal situations and reminiscing about childhood in the hood, and then as always ending it with smiles and our famous hugs.
I did it! I told Ray off so hopefully he'll stop leaving me all those nasty comments on myspace, but more importantly I told Nick yes! I'm flying out tonight and should arrive in Atlanta around 10-ish. I'm so excited. Nick and I always have a good time together, if I could only choose one friend to be with me through a difficult time, I'd have to choose him. We both have gone through so much recently and have been the only person we could be completely honest to without conviction. We always seem to get caught up like two kids rolling in the mud in their church clothes and then return home to mom's questioning.
Anyway I'll be leaving here around 5pm, should hopefully be back tomorrow afternoon. If all goes well I'll be back to blog about it later in the day. If for some reason I'm not back, it's safe to assume we were arrested for some lewd and lascivious behavior on I-95.
How do you do it? How do you see countless lives torn apart. Babies born too early, mom's and dad's, brother's and sister's that'll never come home? How do you see pain and heartache everyday and lay your head on your pillow at the end of it all expecting to fall asleep?!
900 miles and 14 hours! That's how long it'll take Nick and I to get back to NY from Atlanta. That leaves a whole lot of in between time for the two of us to get caught up.
So I get a letter in the mail today from the Dept of Motor vehicles advising me that I failed to respond to a ticket issued to me for what they label as improper use of a cell phone while driving. WTF?! I was issued a ticket in July for allegedly talking on my phone while driving. I didn't feel I should've been ticketed in the first place, however I have total respect for authority so I took the ticket rather than starting a riot, and did what I was instructed to do. I mailed the ticket in with my not guilty plea and requested a court date. So why three months later do I get a letter in the mail telling me that my drivers license will be suspended by the end of the month unless I either pay or appear in person to request a hearing? Asswipes... I did what I was supposed to do! So needless to say I'll be spending an entire day in the DMV office sometime this week.
Speaking of driving. I'll be taking a bit of a road trip with Nick this week. Last month when he went back to Atlanta he took his car with him wanting to return and accept a transfer back home. Being back home full time however began to once again cause some tension so he'll be coming back to NY. He's asked me to help him make the drive back, so he'll be flying me out there and we'll drive back together...eventually. I must say I'm quite excited I love long road trips and it'll give us the opportunity to catch up on lost times. We've got lots of catching up to do which is why he says he couldn't think of anyone else he'd rather be stuck with... aww I feel so loved :P
Sometimes I wonder If I should toughen up some more. Lets face it with my occupation, I've learned to suck things up and keep moving. But why with relationships do I like to keep things civil after the breakup? This is certainly not as much of a problem for me as it is for some of the guys I've dated. Seriously guys If we're no longer together it was either because you were either unfaithful, non trustworthy or just plain old disrespectful, with the exception of the captain, where we just mutually agreed to end it for more difficult reasons. So tell me why? Why do I get text messages and myspace comments from your ass 6 months later telling me that you miss me and think of me often? Why do you invite me to come over knowing that I'll say no just like every other time? Why cant you just understand that I have no intentions of being with you again and need to move on?! Seriously, It's driving me to the point where I'll explode and it wont be pretty. I don't wanna be nice and lead them to believe there's hope, when in a reality I really wouldn't mind if they dropped off the face of the earth!
Ever stop to really notice how beautiful life is? Seriously. Living in the city we have just about everything we could ever need within a 5 mile radius. Need a hospital? In NYC we've got plenty. Have a taste for some exotic cuisine? Yep we've got all of them too! What you don't find here very often though, is nature and it's simplified beauty. Spending these past few days driving to and from Rockland County has certainly fed my fascination of nature. The leaves turning with the season, the deer hoping not to be disturbed, the mountains and the way the clouds braze the very top of them... who could ask for anything more beautiful that the sun's rays reflecting over the hudson river?! I could! I would ask for a home out there to enjoy it all on a regular basis. Seriously, I've built rapport with the staff of Rockland County Sheriffs office and have been certified with their 911 operators, damn I've even got certification from the National Crime Information Center. I'm fairly confident I could get decent employment if I ever wanted to...
Gives me yet another thing to think about. Besides, with all signs of the fall of my current company, it may be wise to start thinking outside the box.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
I've got one monster of a headache this morning. I don't know whether to crawl back into bed or seek help. It started last night at work, now it's becoming almost unbearable. So much so, that I don't feel like staying online which for me is pretty rare.
Anyway, hope you have a good day!
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
I'm never comfortable with the idea of watching someone I care for go through something alone. We've all had our fair share of personal battles. Had it not been for my friends and family supporting me through my own, I'd probably be a big mess. I wish I could say the magic words and make things all better, but the truth is this time I have very little control. This particular physical problem is not as bad as the psychological impact it leaves. So although I cant help heal him, I can at least do my best to bring my Smiley back!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Bad news to the parent's that swear on Dimetapp to modify your child's behavior. The Feds are on ya! Apparently they think it's a bad idea?!
What a surprise?!
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
If you could wave a magic wand and suddenly have the life you've always wanted, what would it look like?
There are many popular games on the market that allow you to do just that; create a lifestyle of your choice. You can build a house to live in, choose a career and eventually settle down and have a family if you wish to do so.
What makes these games so popular? See, in life we may think we have total control of these things, but the truth is we don't. Sometimes we lose our jobs, the ones we love leave and other not so pleasant things may happen.
I'm gonna wave a magic wand and make my wish. I'd wish for a lake front home with a wrap around porch. The kids playing touch football in the back yard while I bake in my humongous kitchen. I finally have a pretty good idea of who I'd like to share it all with too, but I'll save that for a later post.
I guess I mention this because of all the time I've been spending alone lately. I have four days a week off from work now which unfortunately happen to be school days. The kids are away at school and rather than watch Jerry Springer I sit and think about whats really important in life and where I want to be. The last thing I want is to look back 10 years from now and wonder where my life went.
My life's full of freaky surprises but yesterday when my daughter and I were listening to a favorite song of mine from Marc Anthony, My Baby You, we noticed something weird at the very end of the song. Although I've listened to this song hundreds of times before, I never noticed at the end however that he makes reference to his daughter Arianna and her making him feel so alive.
Take a listen:
When the walls around me seem to be caving in and the future is uncertain, My daughter's Arriana and Gabriella remind me of the true meaning of love. I will soothe them if they fall...be right there if they call. They're My greatest love of all!
K, I took one of those survey things about my personality on Facebook and this is what it told me:
You think you have dependent personality disorder
You need to be taken care of. You can`t make even small decisions without consulting someone else first, and letting them take responsibility for the consequences. If a close relationship ends, you urgently seek another, because how else can you take care of yourself alone? You will volunteer to do the most horrible tasks just to show how grateful you are to your close friends for being there for you.
Do you think its possible to be too nice for your own good? I cant begin to tell you how many times I've heard someone tell me that I shouldn't allow myself to be so freely available. With experience I've learned to seize the moment and take advantage of an opportunity. Especially seeing that very often tomorrow never comes.
I should've told my job I couldn't come in to work last night when they called me for a last minute opening. I should've stayed in my PJ's browsing CrackBook , But then again I wouldnt have had the awesome night I did either. Am I really supposed to play hard to get just to stay home alone and be miserable again?! ...Doesnt sound like very good advice if you ask me! If someone needs me tonight and I technically have the ability to make it happen, then why not do it? It's all way too complicated...I never was good at following rules anyway!
Why do health professionals make the worst patients?
Seriously, I've heard it time and time again and have to agree. Look at me, I'd rather shoot myself up with Heparin injections than to spend another day in the hospital.
Another thing that bothers me occasionally is the stupid advice people have come to ask us. The calls for someone with chest pain that just wants to know if his blood pressure is elevated and refuse medical attention either way. The gastric tubes that wait till 2am to fall out and finally the ambulance calls for someone with a toothache. WTF?!
Anyway I mention this because tonight, as I got out of the shower and nice and comfy in my PJ's, my dad called me. I could tell by the tone of his voice something was really wrong. Mom was having chest pain and breathing difficulties. "Damn Mom! I just got ready for bed", I replied. Mom's famous for being a drama queen, so I proceed to ask the appropriate questions and could pretty much rule out any dangers. Just to be sure I took her vitals, hooked her up with some o2 and gave her some Nitro. 45 minutes later she's feeling fine, sound asleep and I can return to blogging in my PJ's. Would I recommend this to anyone else? Absolutely not! I wouldn't let them refuse attention and would certainly use all my power to convince them to get checked out by someone who really knows what the hell their doing. So why cant I follow my own advice?
Monday, September 17, 2007
Nothing like a call from your DR in the middle of the day telling you to rush your ass over to see him. Apparently I've hit an all time low with my coumadin level being down to a 1.2 even though I've been taking my meds on schedule as promised.
After being lectured and my words once again being dis-trusted I left with an awful feeling in my stomach. I'm sick of being sick. When I got news like this in the past I'd get emotional and break down as I ultimately haul my ass over to the hospital for treatment. Tonight however I feel different, I feel nothing at all. No fear, no concern, just wanting to be left alone. I know where I should be right now, and its certainly not blogging. My body is defenseless against embolism's now and I cant help but feel disconcerned.
I hate writing depressing post's like this. Seriously. I have a handful of readers that for whatever reason read these thoughts that I otherwise wouldn't have shared with anyone. I try hard not to conceal my true thoughts in person or get anyone else involved in my personal battles. Even some of my closest friends have no clue what's going on in my head. For you my readers welcome to my dark side!
Sometimes in life we make decisions we later wish we didn't. If I could go back in time, sure I'd probably change a few things I've done but for the most part I don't regret anything. I've spoken to quite a few people that have been concerned about me. At first I was frustrated that they were bothering me, wishing they didn't know, but now I've come to appreciate their concern. Seriously, I'm fine! This has surely been one hell of a year! In all reality I probably should be a mess, but I'm not. Instead I've been thinking about my future and where I'd like to be in a few years.
I'd like to have my own place again by the end of the year. Sure living with mom and dad and saving a few bucks can be nice, but I've gotta move on and live a normal life again. Next would be going back to finish school. I'm famous for starting shit and not finishing, but school needs to be made a priority. Finally... who do I share it all with? I cant begin to tell you how many times I've heard things like "your a sweetheart" or "you don't need a man to make you happy". Yeah OK... Thanks Dr Phil!
I'm on my way to work today to take my EVOC roadtest when suddenly I get a call. Much to my surprise It was my doctor's office calling to ask me to come in right away.
Doc reluctantly agreed to wait until after the test to see me. Apparently my last round of blood work came back a bit screwy. My coumadin levels have dropped to an unsafe level once again. WTF? I'm taking my meds (well... that one at least) & eating what I should be. So why the changes again? Seriously, If my body were to throw another embolism my way, I'd have no defense right now. Guess I'd better cancel my plans for the night...the last thing I need is to spend another week in the hospital :(
Ever wish you could go back in time and make things right or do something differently? I've probably mentioned this about a million times, but I have a conscience that works overtime. When I do or say something, I do it with the intentions of causing as little pain as possible. In fact after consideration I decided to rewrite this post.
Ok, today boys & girls is a rather special day in the blogosphere. Today I celebrate my 150th post here on my blog. I'd like to take a moment to thank all my readers for finding my bitching entertaining. Luv Ya! Today also just so happens to be Thursday, and what are Thursday's famous for?
Thats right today I get to bitch about everything and everyone who's crossed my path. Lets start with my promise to discuss my Stupid-visor, lord knows I keep my promises. This week Stupid-visor decided to take yet another vacation to sit at home and be depressed about not having a life. What does he do when he came back mid-week to check on things? He calls me at 6am asking where an assignment was that should've been completed by an ECRO. Asshole, I wasn't the ECRO last night. I dispatched! Call your stupid-visor and ask him who he gave the assignment to. Its not my fault you sorry excuses cant get your shit straight. Don't alert me at 6am, and don't send me 6 emails (on the company email system that I shouldn't be checking on my days off anyway) telling me you're gonna call me in a minute to discuss this. I didn't take the $1 raise you did and all the responsibilities that come along with it! So... FOAD!
Next in line? Touro college, step right up! I was enrolled in the Nursing program and one requirement was that I maintain at least a "B" average for the first semester. In one class in particular, not even a nursing class I might add, a got a "B-". What screwed me was that the class was only offered once a week and I missed 2 classes of the 6 week semester when I was in the hospital. At first the professor told me not to worry too much, that if she felt I was in jeopardy of falling behind, she'd offer assistance. Surprise, she didn't! Instead she bitched that more than half the class too were failing. Umm, I don't know about you but I see this as a major dent in the schools plans. Now half their nursing students will have to wait till next summer to retake the class and continue on, if they haven't already decided to transfer out like I am. So to Touro College...I offer a big $7,000 a semester FOAD!
Ahh, this certainly is therapeutic.
Ok my final FOAD goes out to... ironically, FOADT.com. WTF happened to the site? I suppose this means I'll have to actually read everyones blogs for their FOAD shouts?!
Ever stop to look around you? Seriously, stop. Look at your kids and see them for what they are now, not what you remember them being. My oldest daughter is 10 now and is growing to be quite a cutie. The little one, well she's suddenly 6 and growing into her chubby little frame. My daughters are beautiful. No matter how mean these city streets can be, I pray they'll always be like they are now, my angels!
...been doing alot of thinking lately. I've got all this free time on my hands and nothing to do with it.
Ok, I'm tired as hell and doing that blabbing before bed stuff again, aren't I? You can close the page if you want to or just lay here in bed until we both talk each other to sleep. C'mon I'm a good listener.
I'll have a special FOAD tomorrow for my stupid-visor whom doesn't seem to grasp the whole 'I'm off duty so leave me the f*ck alone idea'. Thanks alot ass for waking me up at 6am and pretty much ruining my entire day! Hopefully I'll wake up on the better side tomorrow and end the day with a bang... quite literally of course ;)
Damn, time flies. Tomorrow is not only the first day of school for the kids, but also my baby's 6th birthday. I cant believe this summer went by so quickly. I sorta feel guilty for not being able to celebrate it like we usually do. Most summers we fly out of town and either visit FL or have come here to NY. The Friday nights at Coney Island to see the fire works on the beach, the trips to Riis Beach, goofing around at the pool every afternoon, the late night Carvel runs in our PJ's. We missed it all. This summer I was so caught up in school and other things. Now look... before I knew it, it was all gone. Oh well, the beaches may no longer be legally open, but I've got some catching up to do.
Wow.. Thinking even further, these past 6 years seemed to fly even faster. Seems like just yesterday I was chasing Gabby around the house.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing at all. Not calling him everytime I think of him. Not wishing I was with him. Giving him the space he needs. Doing nothing...
Yesterday the girls and I went to a waterpark to celebrate my daughters 6th birthday. I've gotta pat myself on the back, I think I'm a pretty damn cool mom. It doesn't take much to convince my kids to go on the scary water rides that even some of the adults chickened out on, and not too many parents can laugh off half the stuff we do. My daughters truly are and always will be my best friends and reason for waking up each and everyday.
Then of course the day ended much like it has for the past three years, with me having to leave them with Granny while I go to work. Only, last night I agreed to work on the road with Smiley. I had a great time too, we laughed just about all night cracking cheesy jokes at one another. I really enjoy breaking out of my normal routine and going on the road. If they'd give me the opportunity I'd do it everyday rather than dispatching.
One call in particular had me thinking last night though. We got a call for an elderly woman whom had an episode of choking prior to our arrival, but her daughter wanted her to be checked out anyway. Mom was 91 years old, blind and unable to function on her own. Her daughter, whom was at least 50 herself, had dedicated her entire life to caring for her mom. No husband, no children...just the two of them (which I might add is very uncommon for religious Jews as they were). After doing my assessment, I determined mom's lungs were clear & her vitals were stable and agreed to go the extra distance to their hospital of choice some 20 miles away in the city.
In those 20 miles, while mom slept comfortably, the daughter began to express her emotions and discussed her fears earlier in the evening. As her mom was simply having difficulty coughing, she honestly thought her mom was choking. She admitted to straddling her on the bed doing the Heimlich maneuver and praying that God wouldn't take her mom from her. Luckily he didn't this night... but what about tomorrow? After the call was over, my greatest mommy buzz was gone. Replaced with worry for the daughter. What would she do if she ever really did lose her mom? Would she become one of the psych's or the dysfunctions that I deal with too?
You dedicate your entire life to serving someone else... and then they leave, sometimes unexpectantly.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Ok, I probably picked a really bad time, but I think successfully weaned myself off my heart meds. Seems like many people are choosing to turn their backs to me lately including my cardiologist. This week we were supposed to discuss slowly discontinuing my beta blockers, but since he's not around anymore and I don't want any new quack messing with me, I decided to do it myself. I'll be honest, there were some nights I was really uncomfortable and weren't sure I'd wake up. Now however, I'm feeling better with the exception of being in a real bitchy mood. Still... not in the mood for FOAD's tonight, sorry.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Ok I finally decided to post some blogs I was keeping private. Now, I use blogging as a way to deal with my everyday problems not entertainment for anyone else. If I wanna bitch and complain about being ejected from the nursing program or some ass that pissed me off at work, this is where I'll do it. Why anyone else would be interested in hearing any of it is beyond me, but there'll be no more holding back on my part.
Monday, August 27, 2007
I spent the entire evening writing a blog for tonight, but I'm not posting it. Sorry to disappoint you, seems I've been doing plenty of that lately. Anyway, I just don't feel the same as I did 2 hours ago. I'm hoping that this is an emotion that will be short lived, but much like drunk dialing (or drunk blogging in my case) What I say about how I feel now, may not reflect how I feel in the morning.
Sometimes in life we do things we regret. I try not to hold regrets, mainly because each has taught me a valuable lesson and has made me stronger. Now however, I feel weaker than ever. My kindness and wanting to help people through tough times has backfired in my face. I know at this point there's probably nothing I can say to make things right again, but please know... I'm sorry!
Would you consider being emotional a weakness? I've never told anyone this but on a regular basis I feel some very real cardiac symptoms at the onset of stressor's. I can deal with the stress of work just fine, its emotional stress that seems to take its toll on me. In fact the morning I was first carried away from my office in Tachycardia my divorce papers lay on top my desk for me to sign.
In my experience in the health care industry, I've heard of people dying of broken hearts but never until I've experienced my own have I truly believed it to be true. A recent study at Johns Hopkins confirms my fears, but offers hope too.
Two weeks ago I found myself in the hospital once again feeling some distress after learning that someone wasn't being completely honest with me. It broke my heart and the mold I envisioned. Still after that, I wasn't prepared for what I was told tonight.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I know that traditionally, with today being Thursday and all your probably expecting me to bitch and shout off my FOAD's. Today however I'm gonna write about all the great friends I have(real ones not myspace ones) that help turn my frown upside down regularly.
Last night I was stuck dispatching all night rather than studying for my psych final and getting some sleep. When my shift ended I was rather disappointed by a broken promise from Nick. But as soon as soon I stepped out of the office I was greeted by some morning staff whom I haven't seen in quite some time. I must say, somehow in all the mess in my mind I completely forgot how long its been since I've seen some of them. Then on my ride home I began to think about what we discussed in psych class. When we're going through difficult times, we often seek something or someone to make us feel better. Its part of a healthy healing process.
In literary works, rain typically symbolizes change. Although we're not being slammed with a hurricane like Mexico is, it has been cold and wet here in NY for the past two days. Hopefully its just the gloomy weather that has me feeling blue. I still cant help but feel like there's some changes that I'll have no choice but live with soon.
Ok, I know it's not FOAD Thursday, but I'm gonna bitch anyway. I'm seriously having the worst day I've seen in a long time. Lets see where should I start.
This morning started off as usual except before going to class I didn't nap today. For some reason, I've been unable to eat or sleep properly. Well anyway, I log onto myspace and check my emails and stalk some people. Today I chose to browse the Ex-husbands page and what I saw had me really pissed. I took a deep breath and kept moving though.
At school I scored 1 point lower than what's required of me on an A&P test. No biggie though, I can make up for it on the final next week. Then class was over and It was time to register for next semester, only they wouldn't let me because I still have a $3500 balance for this semester. They're giving me until Wednesday to get the loan that I applied for. Once again I took a deep breath and kept marching on. I'm a pretty strong woman and can tolerate most anything thrown my way.
After arriving home, I make the kids and my dad lunch. Made sure everyone would be ok If I took a nap. I was finally able to get some pretty decent sleep, when all of a sudden mom wakes me up and tells me that I should've been at work 15 minutes ago. Damn! I hurry to get ready and arrive 30 minutes late. Luckily no one complained, oh... but they are mandating me to stay 2 hours late in the morning. Thanks!
But wait... It gets better. After I arrived, I decided to get something from my car. Apparently someone decided to break into my car. They were probably looking for something of value, but were unsuccessful. They were however successful in putting me in this really bad mood I'm on now. F*cking crack heads have to make everyone else around them miserable, to satisfy their f*cking habits! WTF?! So now instead of going home to sleep in the morning, I've gotta go shopping for a new rear window.
So... to all you crack heads, bursars, supervisors who don't have the balls to confront me in person and instead send an email and the ever-so-popular Ex's. A big F*ck Off AndDie to ya!
As parents we often wonder if were doing a good job raising our children. I'm told quite often that I'm doing quite well. But until I see the actual results in motion, It's hard to contemplate.
My children have seen way more than they've deserved. They've packed up and started over again three times before the age of 8 and 3 respectively. As a child, I cringed at the idea of moving and having to make new friends again. Arriana on the otherhand has been a real trooper, she's come through quite well. Gabby, well... she was so young that her collective memory really wouldn't allow her to remember much thankfully, or maybe not so.
Anyway I bring this up because, the kids are now at daycamp. As I lay here alone in bed and grabbed the covers, I remember what Gabby did to me this morning. In the past three days I've gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep. Between work and school, I've had little time to spend sleeping after first making sure their needs are being met. This morning I arrived home at 6:30 and decided I'd try to sneak in a quick nap. I layed on the sofa purposly not using a blanket, affraid i'd get too comfortable and oversleep. Well a few minutes later Gabby comes from her room and covers me with her blanket, like the sweet little girl does with her baby dolls. Making sure my feet were covered and even kissed me on the forehead. I suppose this means I'm doing a good job teaching her love, and how to make others feel good.
Then there's Arriana. She's exactly as I was at her age. Most of her friends are boys, because well.. there's too much drama from the girls, besides its more fun to challange the boys to video games anyway! Arriana puts on a tough face. She rarely shares her true feelings. During the divorce, I'd often find her fighting to hold back the tears... just as I did. Apparently I was so afraid of scaring the kids by crying in front of them, that instead it taught her to try to hide her own too. I laugh at her every morning when I drop her off at camp or school, being the grown girl she thinks she is, she wont kiss me goodbye in public anymore, lol. But last night she sent me an email at work. She wrote me a song. A sweet little song about her being thankful for all I've done for her. My babies have me an emotional wreck as I write this. I love them so much! I'll tell you one thing I'm certain of, there's nothing in the world compared to the love I have for my daughters.
I took my psychology mid term today, even stayed a bit late to get it graded. How did I score? I got an A+. Woo hoo! How could you expect anything less?! It takes a psych to know one! It's no secret that I've got some qualities of an EDP. Me and my psych patients/friends actually get along quite well, in fact I saw one just a few minutes ago. ...Nothing like your demented neighbor asking you for the 20th time about your marriage and having to explain once again that I'm single now. Or how about the patient that had severe Alzheimer's and Dementia that wanted to enjoy the breeze during one of Florida's famous hurricanes? And me letting her!
Last night I was in yet another bridal party. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for seeing two people happily in love with one another and all, but when the last of your friends is married off and someone jokingly asks who's left and they all look at me?! That's when I drink up some more and get my ass away from the table. I've been there, done that. Not to say I wouldn't do it again. I just don't see it in the foreseeable future. C'mon, I'm still paying for my divorce.
I'd be lying if I said that I don't miss being married though. Its what I miss about the marriage that might surprise you. I miss laying in bed at night and having someone to talk to. Someone to listen to my babbling as I would his. Someone to make all my troubles disappear with a simple kiss. To remind me that no matter how bad we want to, we cant stay in bed all day as he turns off the snooze button in the morning.
...Now that I think about it, what I miss the most has nothing to do with a legal document.
I took sometime today to discuss my concerns about school with my advisor. I'm worried that if I dont get at least a "B" in all classes that I'll be kicked out of the Nursing Program. I sent an email to the professor as she suggested.
Damn, If a Tornado can touch down in Brooklyn...I should be able to do this. Anything's possible!
Everyone deserves a day off. Well today I decided to escape it all and spend the day with BeachBoyat... you've guessed it, the beach. We shared a few spots in Brooklyn including Coney Island. I really had a good time. As usual, spending the day at the beach has left me literally wiped out. There's so much I wanna say and so much I wanna tell you about us, but right now I need to wash the sand out of my crack and open my nutrition text books before I get my ass kicked out of school. Have a Good Night.
-Oh and on a side note. Congrats Ang on creating your own blog. Hope it's as therapeutic for you as mine is for me!
Monday, August 06, 2007
I don't get it, I had so many great ideas to write about today. Now however, I cant think of a damn thing to discuss. Oh well... I'll try again later!
Ok, don't be disappointed. Although today is FOAD Thursday, and I have every right to bitch about anyone and everyone who's pissed me off lately, I'm just not feeling it. I took a long walk along my favorite beach today and took time to reflect on some things; One being school. I had a horrible day in class today after learning that I may not be doing well enough to continue in the nursing program. I need to kick my ass into gear and seriously study if I wanna prove that old people can do this college thing too.
Next was the renewed desire for my own place to call home. If it weren't for me being in school right now, I'd probably be moving into another apartment.
Finally... the walk in its self brought about pleasant memories that hold a special place in my heart. Other than the kids and their 5 minute walk with me, there's only one other person I've walked that path with. I hope I never forget how lost in the moment I felt as we tried to make our way back to the car.
Ok I'll stop, I know... today's a day of bitching, sorry!
Potential energy is stored energy. A drawn bow, stores energy from the pull as potential energy until it is released.
Kinetic energy alternatively is the actual energy in use or motion.
Why the science lesson? Well... I feel like I'm living a life with lots of potential, but doing nothing to use it. In school, at work and in relationships. I know I have the potential to do better in school if I could find the right balance at work and home. As for relationships, I already find myself avoiding calls from all the people of whom I have no concern for anymore. I need to stay on track and turn my potential energy, thats been stored away for 3 years, into kinetic energy.
We're faced with many choices in life. Deciding where to go, what to do and with whom to do it is your choosing. If I could sit here and decide where to be, I'd choose a big house with a wrap around porch. Where? Perhaps in the country somewhere or maybe a lakefront home. The "with who" part... well that's when things get difficult.
Life can be difficult and having someone to go through it and walk beside you can make a world of a difference. I have several friends whom just like me, have been burnt by past relationships. I guess I must have made it through pretty well because many of them still look to me for advice. I'll be the first to admit I could've worked harder on my marriage, but I know better now, and I'll use all these lessons should I choose to share with someone once again. But for now, I'm content with the way things are.
...until I got an email from my supervisor telling me that my shift at work is being eliminated, that I must choose another one. While I could choose to return to dispatching on overnights, it'll leave no time for sleep. I could choose the afternoon shift, but then I wouldn't see my girls very often. Or I could choose to dispatch only on weekends and go on the road more often which would satisfy another addiction.
I've enjoyed watching The Simpsons since I was a kid, so naturally when I heard of them making a movie, I insisted on seeing it. I slept kinda late today, but was reminded by the girls of the movie premiering this weekend. So although we didnt make it to our normal theatre and Gabby would've rather had gone to Coney Island, we did nontheless get to see the movie.
I must say they certainly surprised me. I've seen many TV shows attempting a feature movie that usually turns out to be a 30 minute episode turned into a dragged out 2 hour long movie. The Simpsons however was actually enjoyable. With the exception of seeing Barts weiner, the movie was pretty cute. Totally worth the drive into Queens to see it!
Today's post will be brief. I feel like crap today. So nauseous and just feeling...blah.
I'm kinda disappointed with a couple of things and a few people, but hey if you never put all your trust in them in the first place you really shouldn't be disappointed, right?!
On a brighter note, I'm off from school today. Thank God for them Jews and all their holidays!
I'm so upset right now. I just learned that the new dispatcher is spreading rumors about me at work. Yeah, granted I have many friends that just so happen to be guys. Shit, more than half of the people working there are guys, and the girls are mostly b*tches like her. No wonder I tend to befriend the guys. Does that make me a hoe? Well apparently in her eyes I am!
She's telling people that I "get around". WTF?!
Let me set this straight. I'll admit that I have many friends at work. I'm the kind of person that values friendship more than a good f*ck. I've ended relationships because I felt they interfered with my job. Don't confuse me for you or any of your skanky friends! If and when I choose to be with someone romantically, that's my business and none of yours & I wouldn't bring it to work so neither should you! Your like a cat falling and grabbing everyone around you to fall too. Keep trying to find fault b*tch!
Ok, Boys and Girls. It's been a while, but here comes a long overdue FOAD.
First, to the sorry excuse of a father whom thinks that sending comments on myspace is quality communication between him and his daughters. C'mon , no wonder our relationship failed. But seriously, didn't you learn anything in the parenting classes the State forced you to take?! Or did you skip that class too?
Next to the asshole new dispatcher. When you show up to work 2 hours late and see that I've been covering for you so that your supervisor wouldn't been woken from his sleep, the least you can do is thank me. It's one thing to not even call in the first place, but to be a total bitch all night long too! ...Hope you choke on that second big mack in your lunch box, FOAD!
Ahh... I'm feeling better all ready!
And finally to my nutrition Professor whom jumps on my ass for being 5 minutes late to class. Whom had me up till 2am yesterday morning studying for our midterm. A midterm that she postponed an hour after it was supposed to begin, after realizing that she was running too late. Karma's a bitch isnt it?! FOAD... after giving me my "B" of course.
Ok, I'm in A & P class right now, but rather than listen to the lecture, I'm blogging. Why? Because I cant understand a damn word my professor is speaking! Let me create a visual for you. Professor Mary (we wont dare try to pronounce her last name) is about 4'7", speaks softly and with a rather heavy accent. No wonder I feel like A&P is kicking my ass. I'm doing it almost entirely self study, with the exception of the goofing around in the lab. I can only hope I make it through with at least a "B" otherwise I'll get booted from the nursing program.
As it turns out, I'm not doing as bad in class as first thought. I'm averaging about a "B" right now. Which is cool, but If I can keep my ass out of the hospital I'd do much better.
...totally changing the subject.
Ever have the feeling like you just wanna run away? Run from all your problems. Just pack up, move and begin again?
I've been thinking alot lately about this. See, I can separate the past 10 years of my life by 3 year intervals in which each ended or resulted to my moving both physically as well as figuratively. First my getting married and moving to Louisiana. Next, the military discharging us due to his near-death experience and our moving to Florida. Then we separated and I came back to NY with the kids. There's a whole lot more to that last bit than just that, but I'll save that for another post.
Moreover, looking back... each time I've had a major life event take place, I've moved. Now on the other hand I've signed contracts with my school and borrowed so much money to fund it, that dropping out and moving to another state wouldn't be a very smart choice. I just feel the need for a change. Like an addict going through withdrawal, I feel the need for my fix.
I'm gonna stop now, this probably makes no sense to anyone but me.... sigh!
Well I played hookie from school today. I just sorta feel blah. I called the doc this morning to see if my INR results were finally back. They were, and I'm finally back in the "safe zone". No need to worry about that for now.
This whole 2nd PE has really set me back again. If it weren't for the distraction of Dawg's tragedy, I probably would've been a mess much earlier. Now I'm just a depressed sap. I really would like to take sometime to reflect on all thats been going on in my life. Try to simplify things. But the truth is, by doing so, I may be complicating things even more. So I'll settle for blogging about it for now.
Well, Its Sunday. Not much to do today, but wanted to send some love anyway. If something noteworthy occurs, I'll update ya. Hopefully I can stay in my pj's all day!
I haven't blogged in a very long time, but there's something else I haven't done in a while either that I did today... I cried. With the exception of the news I heard while in the hospital about Dawg and his loss, I haven't wept in quite some time. My doctor called me yesterday and requested that I see him today. I assumed, like everyone else, he was concerned about my coumadin levels staying therapeutic. If they fall below safe levels again, I may not survive another pulmonary embolism or many of the other complications blood clots can cause. So I agreed to come in and supply those blood thirsty vampires with another weekly sample.
However doc wanted to physically see my this time. Apparently my last test showed that I've fallen back down to sub-therapeutic levels. Of course he began lecturing me assuming that I'd missed more doses. This time however, it wasn't my fault. I've been following the medication schedule religiously. We discussed the possible causes of the drops and a few theories that we'd really rather not consider. I convinced him to allow me to give another sample, re-check the levels and at the first sign of trouble, I'd go to the hospital.
Why is my body defying me? I've struggled most of my life to protect and improve that of those around me. But the one person I cant... is myself.
The past two weeks have been amazing. It all began with that saturday morning. I was coming home from work, tired, sleepy and yet still attractive in your eyes for some reason. I remember walking away from my parking spot feeling like I was being watched. I paused for a moment in the lobby, something told me to look back. I did briefly, but not sure of what I supposed to see, I continued on my way. Went home and shortly after went to bed.
Hours later I was awakened by my mother with a note in hand. It was simple, yet mysterious. The kind I've dreamed of getting in one of my many romantic fantasies. Reluctant at first to reply, I decided to take a chance anyway, and with my history they dont usually end well. I've sort of put up this wall around me, not allowing anyone else in for quite some time. But for some reason you seemed to have created a door of your own and walked right through it. Have you ever heard the saying " some people come into your life for a reason, even if only for a season"? You came into my life, and showed me that I could have fun again. I can get excited about seeing someone, but not having to worry about impressing anyone. It was ok for me to be myself and still be considered attractive.
What is it about music that helps me cope with the drama in my life? Is it the artist's sharing their own personal drama, or maybe the catchy tunes? I enjoy just about any type of music, especially ones I can sing along to. This same attraction though is probably the reason I read blogs and started one my own.
I value the effort of the artist's and appreciate their willingness to share their thoughts and feelings with us readers. I try my hardest to keep my readers from being bored to death with all of my drama, but the truth is I blog for myself. I created this blog about a year ago as a way to cope and complain about my daily encounters. Looking back at my archives, I see most of my problems are with men and work. Now since I obviously cant get rid of them, you my readers can either listen to the crazy drama anyway or point me (the newest addition to the singles scene) in the direction of the nearest karaoke bar.
It's official. I'm old. Not only do I have wrinkly hands, but now I'm the oldest person in my nursing class. Or at least the ones accepted thus far. I felt like such a dumb ass today when taking the college assessment exams. I breezed through the reading and writing sections, but when they handed my the math part I nearly had a stroke.
I suppose its best that I know how to divide and multiply decimal points and fractions by hand, but come on... fork over the damn calculator if you want an answer from me. Its been 10 years since I graduated high school and just as I told the professors there too, all that counts is the answer and not the means of finding the answer. But just like then, he didn't find it amusing. So my sorry ass will likely be in remedial math my first semester. The old lady in the corner with the wrinkly hands :(
I cant wait to see what next weeks pre-nursing assessment exam looks like. I'll show them little twerps what this old lady knows!!!
I was doing some thinking today. As parents we teach our kids to do things certain ways for a reason. For instance I was having a conversation with the girls today about Easter egg hunts. I told them to ignore the eggs in the front of the field and instead run away from the large crowds that will gather for the few in front and keep focused on the many more that are in the distant. If you ignore the temptation and keep running, focused on the larger quantity at the farther end, you'll do much better overall, and chances are you'd have less children to compete with.
Now how does this relate to life? See, if your always jumping on a chance presented in front of you, your overall chances of success and satisfaction will not reach their full potential. I'm not happy with a few things in life, but unlike Britney Spears I will not call them mistakes. They were choices that I made. I wanted to be with the ex because at that moment he met my needs. I wouldn't call it a mistake, but rather another lesson learned. I've changed careers a few times, striving for a sense of self accomplishment. I thought I found it when I became an EMT, but then when I became ill and determined to learn more about my own heath problems, I decided to continue my education even further on a professional level. I'm waiting on my admission decision from Nursing School. I know I can do it. I've got plenty of people trying to discourage me, but I want to reach for those eggs in the distant. Honesty though, I cant see myself being satisfied even after graduation. I'll likely continue and take my education further possibly focusing on my BSN and then NP or PA. Who knows?
...let me stop babbling on and on though otherwise we'll miss them blowing the whistle initializing the start of the egg hunt.
Do you think its possible to love someone but not want to be with them? I find his faults, but yet still am not quite ready to say goodbye. He tells his friends and family that he wants to be with me forever, but doesn't tell me. Even if he did, I couldn't say the feeling is mutual. I enjoy having someone to say goodnight to and be with when I don't want to be alone. I found someone that I could love forever, but just cant seem to. Is it me? Is it my insecurities or am I just not ready to settle down and trust again?
I don't want to lose him, but I'd like to see what else the world has to offer. I find myself still searching the personal ads wondering just that... I don't want to feel like I'm settling. I suppose for now I'll take it day by day, I'll continue my search. Meeting some pretty interesting people along the way. As long as I'm not harming myself or anyone else, I couldn't see any fault in my actions. Could you?
Making headlines lately is the topic of a major recall of pet food. It seems that some supplier in china sold tainted wheat gluten which was used in various pet foods. This substance is supposedly causing kidney failure especially in cats. Researchers believe to have 16 "confirmed" deaths thus far. In my opinion, the number of unconfirmed must be in the hundreds.
Just a few weeks ago, I too was a concerned cat owner dealing with a sudden onset of what appeared at first to be dehydration. Initially I wasn't too concerned, given his age, I thought it was simply his time to go. However other family members seemed to disagree. We took him to the Vet whom diagnosed him with dehydration, injected some fluids and gave us the option of either taking him home and give him some TLC or keep him overnight for fluids at a cost of $800. If I could've found a vein on a cat I'd give him the fluids myself, but I couldn't. We still opt'd to take him home. We were feeding him with a baby syringe and watching as his body was shutting down. Frustrated from watching him suffer, I stopped forcing the meal replacement down his throat. I figured, without nutrition his suffering would end sooner. He was without a doubt terminal. I couldn't stand to watch him go from waking me up bright and early in the morning and running like a child to kitchen for food, to the cat that didn't have the energy to even lift his head. Two days later the vet called to check on the cat that was befriended by so many. He offered to see him the following day for blood work, and wouldn't charge for the visit. He too was concerned for the cat that so many grew to love. Sadly though, Scooch didn't make it through the night. I remember getting the call from my distraught mother and driving him to the pet hospital at 2am in the city to be cremated.
Unfortunately without the lab work or a look at his kidney's for traces if this substance, It's virtually impossible to prove that he died as a result of ingesting this poison being traced in pet food. It was obvious that his kidneys were failing, but what caused it will always be a mystery to us.
I've come to the realization that I've been around way too many good looking men in uniform for way too long and have picked up some nasty habits along the way. I can remember the days when I taught sunday school at the local church in Louisiana and I'd jump down my ex and his soldier friend's throats for cursing around me or the kids. Now its me that I scold all day long. I've turned into my very own princess potty mouth. Sitting here in dispatch, many people make me mad throughout the day. How do I manage the stress? I curse my friggin head off. Of course being in Brooklyn sure doesn't help the situation any, but I need to atleast be self conscience of the over use the work F*ck.
And thank god for the backspace button on keyboards, 'cause I almost went overboard with my ability to turn any conversation into a naughty one too... but damn... *** backspace used again***
I came across this article today that I found quite interesting. The article discusses a theory that Harvard researchers have about firefighters and the increased prevalence of Coronary Artery Disease and on-duty heart attacks. See this article really touches home. Not only have I been stricken by a sudden cardiac condition but I can count 4 more of colleagues that were otherwise healthy too, that are now being treated for sudden onset of a cardiac condition.
The researchers believe that since the firefighters are living otherwise sedatory life styles (at work) in which they pretty much sit around doing nothing for long periods of time, the sudden intense rush they get when a call comes in, increases their heart rate and blood pressure. Add the heavy equipment and the smoke filled air and any otherwise healthy individual would feel the strain, but they endure the stress on a daily basis.
Why do I mention this? Well see I'm an Emergency Medical Technician. Granted I've been working in the dispatch department for nearly a year now with the occasional trip on the road. Nonetheless we definitely feel a comparable amount of strain too. Our equipment may not weigh 50lbs, but our patients are growing at alarming rates. When the 500lb patient is complaining of difficulty breathing we make every effort to get her ass out of the third floor apartment she lives on. We'll call dispatch and ask for back up, but 30 minutes later when we're frustrated for waiting for so long and see that our patients "crapping out" we suddenly find the strength and endurance we need to do it without the back up. Next while my partner is fighting against city traffic, wailing the sirens and flashing lights to move the other drivers out of our path, I'm in the back now bagging her because she's suddenly stopped breathing all together. Certainly we have a pretty big rush of adrenaline that started when we were woken up from our nap parked on the quietest side street we could find just 30 minutes prior.
This adrenaline rush is the culprit the researchers are talking about. It makes absolute sense. What they suggest as a preventative measure (since they know we wont quit our jobs) is that we live an active lifestyle, exercising frequently, also noting that a large majority of emergency workers are obese. If we could incorporate a fitness plan into the our daily routines, then we should be able to better adapt to the sudden burst of adrenaline that we get on calls.
Maybe this could prevent another life saver from having to suddenly be the one needing to be rescued!
Ok I know its not Thursday yet, but I don't give a damn Im'ma gonna bitch. YTF do guys tell you they'll call you later when they never do?! Oh and try to make up for it by sending me a damn text message? C'mon
Stop taking the roids, grow your damn balls back and have the courage to at least call me to apologize. I'm not sitting around for the rest of my damn life waiting for a dream that isn't gonna come. Thinking ahead to the future. What kind of life would I want? I wouldn't want to be with a man who doesn't want to better himself. Cant get the motivation to get his drivers license, or even a damn GED or high school diploma for a decent job. What kind of life could we possibly live? One much like now, working my ass off to pay medical expenses! No thanks.... So to those guys that forget that they asked someone to free up their day for them and forgot to call to cancel...FOAD!
Ok, after meeting new guy last night I've made my decision that we couldn't possibly be together. He may have sounded dreamy over the phone but the guy cant possibly be older than 20. He's got a baby face and all. I did however taste his yummy lips. I'm quite fond of kissing and well... like most ladies, would prefer makeout sessions rather than hopping into bed (on occasion). That alone cant make it worth the risk though. Just thinking about being involved with two men at the same time had my stomach upset quite literally.
So after careful thought and consideration, I've decided that I'll always be a one-man-woman. Who the man is that I'll finally give in to, well that's a whole other issue. I havent been with any one intimately in quite some time, too long if you ask me, but I'll be damned if I let someone undeserving get a piece of my cookie!
I haven't posted about my personal life in a while. Yeah I've mentioned my medical issues and stuff, but have stayed away from mentioning my love life not only because its usually boring but also because it's rather uneventful.
Since the split from the Ex three years ago, I've been in very few relationships. The very first was a Turkish man whom asked me to marry him on the second date, FYI we never had a third. The next was someone that I met through the IM feature at work. We worked different shifts and at different offices so I thought it would be safe, until that is word got around that we were involved and just like the friggin paparazzi we were being harassed. It ended soon after. Then I waited about a year or so and "accidentally" found myself leaning towards a "friends with benefits" kinda thing with another co-worker, which oddly enough ended as soon as it began. This one in particular however, I was really sensitive about. I didn't want anyone at work to know about us. See almost two years ago I was shown another co-workers profile on a dating site. What he wrote about himself really stood out in my mind. I'll probably never tell him that I have a crush on him, but I will tell him that his awesome literary skills were my own inspiration to blog.
Ok, back to my personal dilemma. See I will always have this place in my heart set aside for said crush. But right now I have another issue. My otherwise innocent flirting has got me caught up in a bit of a web. I'm still seeing The Ray and the kids are growing quite fond of him. I on the other hand have exhausted my patience. We only see each other for maybe 4 hours a week and there's alot more that I wont ramble about now. Then... one night I volunteered to work the overnight tour and well naturally flirted back at one of the people I was dispatching. The flirting was followed up again the next day and has continued for about 2 weeks now. Here's where it gets difficult... Now he wants to meet me. We've exchanged pictures and stuff but he wants to actually sit and have dinner. We just spent 5 hours on the phone because he wanted to stay up with me and keep me company. During this time he revealed just how fucked up his life had been until recently. He mentioned just how much he's hurt all his life and that he never thought he could open his heart again and trust someone, but he now feels he can with me.
I now realize that Ray and I may have some good laughs together, but the truth is I'm not happy. He still cant open his heart and tell me how he feels. This new guys done it in only 2 weeks. Something's not right. I just don't wanna hurt anyone, including myself. A little guidance would be great. I know that I cant carry on two relationships at the same time, so I have to say goodbye to one. But who?
Today also just so happens to be Thursday, and what are Thursday's famous for?
