Friday, September 15, 2006

Just me Babbling

I dont really have anyting in particular to blog about today, but i'll force myself to babble about something anyway. Last night was Elena's wedding rehersal. Nothing like a wedding when your depressed. I'm really happy for her though. I love Elena and would do anything for my Bridezilla. I do however find myself doubting my feelings for Ray. I dont know why I do, I've never had a man quite as sincere as him. Last night he came along for the rehersal, fit right in with our friends and family, and then what happened last night is what has me spinning. I had my period and wasnt feeling very well, so what does he do? he layed there all night with his arms around me. I may not admit it, but one of the 'tricks' I play in determining wether a guy really adores me, is the whole 'turning away and see if he reaches for me trick'. What scares me is that he passed, as a matter of fact, he's passed just about every test so far. I know Elena's wedding is gonna be a memorable moment for the two of us, I just wish I wasnt so scared to love again myself.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Depression Making A Comeback

Sorry I've been gone so long. A lot has happened in my absence. Where should I begin? Well lets start with the fact that I'm depressed beyond belief.

Last week I received a phone call from my doctor. He was calling to break my euphoria. Just like every other time I felt like I was actually happy, someone has to come and deliver bad news that breaks me. He was calling to tell me that one of my tests came back positive for cancerous cells on my cervix....

My sister's gone through this so I sorta know what to expect. I still however cant help but to be overcome by emotions. I was finally at a point in my life where I was accepting my current status. I try not to, but I cant help but worry about the 'what if's?'. What if the biopsy shows to be worse than expected?

I know I shouldn't think this way, but I cant help but feel a need to re-examine my life right now. I'm not as happy as I could be. I was starting to think I could actually love again, but now I see myself subconsciously sabotaging my relationships with not only Ray but everyone else for that matter. I'm falling deep into depression again, only I don't want to. I love the people in my life, I just wish they all knew and could help me somehow.