Monday, August 28, 2006

Today's Lesson

Woo hoo I just realized until now, I've had exactly 69 posts. That's a pretty good number. Ok back on subject. Today boys and girls I want to take sometime to speak about sex and work. Sex should never have to be work, and work should never involve sex. Got it? Good?
I noticed the other day, just how many people I flirt with at work. But none, I can honestly say have had the "Li*a experience". My life is complicated enough, I don't need any help exhasterbating it further. Ok so I'm not getting any right now, that doesn't mean I need to shit where I work. We need the very few good people we have left there, and I've vowed to not be personally responsible for anyone else turning in their resignation. Got it, good! Just please remind me from time to time. I seem to get lost in the moment and may need the constant reminder. Thanks!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Challenge Completed

Ok It seems I've succeeded at managing to eliminate all the baggage out of my life. Well, the guys at least. Eddie and the crush have finally decided to stop talking to my voicemail and Joe (who was my final challenge)much to my surprise, sent me an email asking me to break up with him. Ok, sure no problem, except that we were never really dating. But whatever, I can now focus on the one guy who holds my heart.
I must say, it's quite strange feeling the way I do about him. I was at a point in my life where I was holding back my emotions, where I felt I couldn't trust my heart in anyone's hands. I've been burnt, Lied to, cheated on and emotionally abused. Allowing another man into my life has been a fairly difficult task. When the past few attempts at a relationship began to get serious, I bailed and ran away scared. I took some time off to reflect, and to recover. Now just as I was convinced I didn't need a man to make me feel complete, one comes along and challenges everything I believed.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Take A Hint

After two weeks of being sent to my voicemail, this guy still doesn't get the hint that I don't want to talk to him anymore. Ok maybe I'm a chicken for not being able to tell him upfront, but I just cant tell him I'm gone. I've always chosen to sabotage the relationship and have the guys decide to leave when I wanted out, Its just easier that way. I wouldn't have to fess up to my emotions and don't have to feel like shit for breaking someone's heart.

Two weeks ago I decided that there was something about Eddie (new name's gonna be Stalker) that just wasn't clicking. He only calls when he's at work down the street. The convenient pit stop for the occasion fill-up was nice, it wasn't great but then when we were done, he'd go home and I wouldn't hear from him again until he was at work. I've got a pretty good sense that he's going home to a wife or someone else. And my suspicions almost always prove to be true.

But back to the subject, for two damn weeks now I've been sending his 5 calls a day to voicemail. With the exception of early Saturday morning when I answered without first looking at my caller-id. But even then, I told him that I was sleeping and to call back later. Come on now. Maybe I should get a male friend to answer my phone one day and tell him to stop calling me, damn it!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

I did It, and It Feels Soooo GOOD!

Well, I did it. I gathered up the courage to get a tattoo. I decided to go with something small so I could 'get the feel of it' before getting the one I really want. Here's a pic of what I got.

Sorry about the crappy quality. I took the pic with my camera phone. The Tat's nice and decent sized though, wrapping around my wrist.
I felt like a rebel when I came home and had to face my parents though. Mom says I'm crazy and it was a waste of money. Dad says I should've gotten the words stupid tattooed across my forehead. Ahh... making the parents mad, just like the good ole days, LOL.
The only gripe I have about the whole idea is not being able to submerge in the bath or swim for a few weeks. I could deal with the pain, I could deal with the arguing with my parents and staying out of the sun, but not being able to swim for a few weeks.. this will be tough. I didn't even stay out when I had any of my many broken bones with the water soluble casts. I could so see myself swimming with my arm in a plastic bag again, LOL.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Friday Drama

Why does it hurt so bad? I'm not good at this whole rejection stuff. I'm trying so hard to end things with Eddie and The Crush, but cant help but feel really guilty. I really do like them both, but I'm not able to carry on more than one relationship at a time. When I first met Eddie, I was immediately drawn to his personality and his flirtacious ways. It sorta balanced out what Ray was lacking. I took the opportunity to use Eddie for exactly what the two of us needed. I didn't mind that he only called during business hours, I didn't care. Now however, I've got a suspicion that there's more to him than he's be letting me in on. It's kind of strange that he doesn't call me when he's home. This makes me suspect that he's going home to a wife or significant other. What hurts me, is ignoring his phone calls. He's called at least 3 times a day for the past few days, each time begging me to call him back. I wanna crawl into a hole and die each time, I really liked him and cant seem to live with the idea of breaking his heart. **Sigh**

The Crush on the other hand, I've only spoken to again recently because yesterday was his birthday. I'm proud of myself for resisting the temptation, but we didn't celebrate.

Now as for Ray, I'm hoping this weekend will be a big weekend for us. I really would like to get closer to him. Hopefully he's worth all this drama I've created in my life reserving a space in my heart for him.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

I Dont Wanna Do This Anymore

I've allowed a whole week to go by without blogging. Why? Mainly because I don't want to listen to myself. A few months ago I was upset that I didn't have a significant other in my life, now I have 4. Yes that's right 4. I never intended to go as far as I have with 3 of them. The 4th is the one I really like and really want to be with. He's the one I spend most of my free time with and really connect with. The other three on the other hand met my needs temporarily and I'm struggling with the task of letting them go.

It was never easy for me to break up with a great guy. Each one has the prospect of becoming something I would've liked to explore more. As shallow as it sounds I was kinda hoping to keep the friendship with them so that if I ever needed their benefits again, it would still be available to me. But then again thats what has got me in the mess that I'm in.

I'm trying the 'lets pretend I dropped off the face of the earth' routine. But feel so bad when they call and send emails that go unanswered, remember I'm a person with a conscience that works overtime. This isn't very easy for me.
**Sigh** Hopefully I'll have some better news after this weekends visit with Ray. If he could confirm what I already know, then that would change a whole lot for me.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

FOAD Thursday

Last minutes FOAD to the Ex-husband...

I just informed him that we will not be going to FL like I had casually mentioned a few weeks ago. Funny how he could remember me telling him that, but cant remember to call his kids and say hello at least once or twice a month, or even better remember to send presents for birthdays and holidays.
See the fuck face owes them several thousand dollars in over due child support. Had he been helping with the financial aspect of raising the kids, I would've been able to make it happen this summer. But since he hasn't, I had to call off the plans. I could've worked my ass off and come up with the money, but then again, I shouldn't be the only person working at making this happen.
So just for you Richie....FOAD so we could atleast get survivor benefits!

Rules and Regulations

I just finished having a conversation with the Nick and Rick about sex and relationships. Being that I've lived under a rock the past ten years, catching up with all of the new rules of dating hasn't been the easiest to say the least.

Apparently there's a big difference between making love, having sex and simply F*cking. When you F*ck someone, its just that, serving no other purpose but to satisfy one another's physical needs. When you like someone perhaps as a friend with benefits, you'll have sex with them which includes a bit more contact than a plain F*ck ie: kissing. Making love on the other hand is something that you share with a person to whom you have a special relationship with, maybe you significant other.

What makes this even more strange is that we all tend to agree that we could f*uck just about anyone, but yet will not put our tongue in another mouth unless we knew the person well enough. We could have sex with a friend or other interest without any reserve, however If we truly like someone that we're dating we tend to hold off on the sex for a bit longer than usual. This holds so true for my current status. I just allowed the secret admirer some special access but yet am taking things really slow in my current relationship with Ray. He and I have barely kissed, never made out, but have shared some naughty chat.

Why is it that we do this? Is it because I fear having a meaningless relationship with Ray like I do with the others in the picture?

Sigh...sometimes I think dating isn't worth the drama it creates. I get these mixed feelings and tend to subconsciously sabotage the relationship.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Running Everyone Away

Ok let the games begin. In an attempt to rid my self of unnecessary additional resources, I've decided to give a few guys the boot this week. Starting with Eddie the mechanic who will be getting no booty calls, at least for now. Then there's the secret admirer and "Ish", both of whom I've had to piss off to get them to stop calling and leave me the hell alone.

I don't know why its so hard for me to tell people that their services are no longer needed. I didn't sleep with any of them, but yet they all were hoping to get some from me. Sorry guys, but I'm holding out for someone special. Hopefully he'll have the guts to go for it soon.

Also of mention is my good friend Joe from FL. See Joe and I were neighbors in FL, he being a single dad and my being a single mom, we both helped each other through many difficult times. Now Joe has began expressing interest in me and has asked if I'd consider moving back to FL to be with him. Our kids get along great seeing them is always a pleasure, but I just cant see myself having a relationship with him for some reason. Call me crazy but even though I'd have it all, a loyal husband, a house a few cars and a wonderful family, I don't think I could love Joe like that. So... because of this and the additional drama that a visit to Florida this summer would cause, I've decided to cancel all my plans.

Once again I'm doing what I do best, avoiding the situation so I don't have to deal with it.

Monday, August 07, 2006

What If?

If you loved someone, how soon after you met them would you let them know?
What if they couldn't love you? What if they were afraid of loving again? Would you help them overcome their fear, or leave them for someone who could love you back?

Friday, August 04, 2006

Friday Drama Update

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Apparently the incident that I had last week with my mom, that led to me taking a drive late at night, and then getting a flat tire. Was supposed to happen. If it didn't, then I wouldn't have taken the car to the tire shop and have been seduced by Eddie the mechanic. I'm actually pretty happy I did too. My relationship with Ray has been a bit well... slow. Three dates and It took a special trip with an ambulance at 2am to get a kiss out of him. Eddie on the other hand was trying to get one out of me after maybe 3 minutes. With Eddie being so close to the home, its been very easy to pop in for a quick hello and to receive the managers special.
Initially I was struggling with the decision of whether or not to involve myself with two relationships at once. However thanks to the advice from the Nick, I've justified my actions. See neither of the guys are actually looking for a long term relationship. Eddie's too busy running three businesses and is afraid of a commitment after coming out of a marriage for 9 years. While Ray is still recovering from a traumatic incident in his past. My relationship with Eddie seems to be headed towards that of friends with benefits. I really like Ray, and even if he's afraid to give me his heart, I'm willing to give mine. If and when we do decide take the relationship to the next level, I will with out a doubt cut off the benefits with Eddie.
God just thinking about this whole mess I'm caught up in makes me feel sick. I just don't feel right about this, even though the Nick says its ok since both guys have made their intentions clear from the start. So why does it feel so strange?

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Hot, Hot, Hot

It so damn hot in NYC. Another hot day in the City that never sleeps. It truly has lived up to its name. Apparently I'm not the only one that cant sleep in the heat.
Gonna go take shower #4 for the day!

Good night, Stay Cool!!!