Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Year in Review

Well this is it. This is the last night of what was the hardest year by far for me. It's often said that God doesn't place anymore on your shoulders than he knows you can carry. Well I just wish God hadn't trusted me so much.

Here's recap:

The year kicked off on a somber note. Alone & crying in the my hosp bed. Having to once again call Gabby and break the news that her Mommy wasn't coming home tonight. I vowed to never break my little girls heart again and finally make a change.

Thanks to Nick's coaching I decided to take a huge step towards my goal and submit an application to WPB, FL sheriff's office. I "didn't have anything to lose". Not very long after that, I was planning our trip to FL for vacation while somehow squeezing in time for my interview and hiring credentials. Our trip was cut short however by a phone call from Mom.

On April 25th Dad began to complain of feeling pain in his chest. Their immediate response was to call me and ask for help. What could I do though? I felt so helpless being 1300 miles away. I cut my trip to Joe's short and stood by waiting for reassurance that Dad was ok. Mom called hours later and said he was stable to which I breathed a sigh of relief. So it came to much of a surprise when she called me hours later to tell me of his passing.

In the very instant I felt my strength melt away. No longer stood this tough super hero that held herself together. I cried with Mom and then for Mom. I'll never forget, my very first phone call was to Nick. I don't know why looking back now, but somehow I knew that I needed him. Next I called Mom's best friend and asked her to go to the house to help. I called my sister whom too arrived in minutes.

To make a long story short, I wish I hadn't taken that vacation. The guilt tore me to pieces. But thanks to some nice long talks with The Rock Star again, I was able get through it. Somehow his struggling with the guilt of not being there for his daughters and my feeling like I let Dad down seemed to come together aw we offer one another peace of mind as many of our difficulties seem to do.

A few weeks later Arriana graduated elementary school. I once again felt I failed. I made a promise to myself that I'd be back down south by the time she entered Junior High School. I don't want my children to experience growing up on the rough streets as I did. I wanted them to grow up to be these cute little southern belle's with proper manners and all. But we couldn't leave Grandma, not now not yet.

No sooner than I decided though, my sister, under the directives of her boyfriend decides that she's leaving NY and moving to PA. I gladly take over her lease and soon after move in. The months to follow were spent mostly working to maintain two households now while I spent the majority of my days alone, not by choice.

To sum up the year, I've lost the one man I loved unconditionally since the day I was born. The one man I would do anything for. However it allowed me to open up about my feelings to another, something I swore I'd never do again. In times of need its often said we seek the comfort of our loved ones. We keep the friends we have because each and every one of them fills a need we have within us, something we're lacking, that they can provide us with. Thank you my friends for filling the voids.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Doctors Order

I hold in my hand a note, an order in fact.

After spending 8 hours in the ER for palpitations and determining that I'm not in any immediate danger, I've been given the only thing sure to help ease my discomfort... a note ordering me to take a few days off at work. Do I pretend I didn't get this and return tomorrow anyway? Or use it to chill at home with the kids on their holiday break? Sigh...

Fuck It! I've got all this unused vacation time at work, the bills will still get paid. I'm following Doc's orders.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas Memories

The packages are all opened. The toys all put together. Other than needing to recruit someone to put Gabbys bike together, Christmas is done in the Flores/Carmona household.

I crashed really early last night since I wasn't feeling well, luckily mom stayed up to play Santa for me. The girls certainly had no problem waking early, though they struggle on school days. With coffee in hand, we began unloading the gifts from under the tree. In the end seeing the joy on their face's and being able to spend another Christmas with the ones I love was worth all the trouble of making it happen. Sure not having Dad this holiday was though, probably tougher than any other holiday thus far, but yesterday I accidentally stumbled upon his collection of home movies. Seeing him again and hearing us interacting with one another was a little overwhelming. Its just... all still so surreal.

Sometimes I hope this is just another bad dream. That I'll wake up and he'll be calling me to ask me to get him a drink. Or that he'll be just a phone call away when I'm lost and cant find my way. Merry Christmas Dad thanks for the many cherished memories you left behind.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

My Wish List

Dear Santa,

I realize you've already begun your journey of bringing smiles to many deserving boys and girls. However if you still have room in that magical red sack, can you squeeze one more in for me?
Since I cant get world peace, or all my friends and loved ones back. I'll take a new heart. The one I've got isnt being very cooperative.

Thanks Santa!


Sunday, December 21, 2008

Happy Hanukkah

Growing up I was very aware of my various ethnicity's. Although we were pretty much raised Catholic, we were exposed to Dad's family and their Jewish customs too. When Dad was well I can remember going to many holiday dinners with family we didn't see again until his funeral. Although we really didn't comprehend the whole miracle of Hanukkah, we still celebrated by lighting the menorah and exchanging gifts.

Tonight although Dad wasn't with us in body, I could feel him in spirit as Gabby lit her Grandpa's menorah and we shared a few laughs. Hopefully the next 7 nights will be just as pleasant. Happy Hanukkah Daddy. I love you!

Facing my Fears

I did it again. Its certainly not something I'm proud of, nor do I wish to see it happen again. I made another person cry.

I've got a conscience that works overtime and couldn't possibly hurt anyone. However by protecting some of them from the truth, I've ultimately hurt them. I've got a long list of friends and colleagues that've been trying to get me to go out with them. I almost never do though. Many of them have bad habits that I'd rather not pick up, but some of them are genuinely good people that I still fear.

Last night while reassuring BigDawg that he's not the reason why I cant be with him, and instead explaining the truth (the whole truth), I realized why I walk this path. Going to the car show and playing in the new cars is a much more pleasurable experience than going to the dealer and being pressured into opening my purse and buying said car.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Gods got a good sense of humor, thought you should know that. K?!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Letter

In June I mentioned that I'd applied to a particularly difficult program at a local college. Last week I was browsing online classifieds and opportunities in the south, when mom called to tell me I got a letter from the school. I remember from my days in high school, to ask if it were a large envelope or a small one. The larger ones usually confirmed your acceptance and included additional needed documents, while the smaller envelopes contained a letter thanking you for applying and regretting to inform you that you were not selected.

Well Mom answered that the letter was a small one. I knew what it meant, It meant I could consider the move now without that detail to consider. When I got home a few days later though I was going through the mail and noticed there were quite a few letters from the college. I opened one, and sure enough I was accepted. In fact because I already have many of the pre-requisites needed, they've agreed to allow me to enter the program mid- year.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Giant Love for You

If your a regular reader and remember back to last year, you remember how much I enjoyed catching a Giants game with Dad. No matter how hectic the week was, I always ended it with a nice dinner and game with Dad on Sundays. Even bigger than the Superbowl in our house, was the game where they played my brothers favorite team, the Dallas Cowboys. Our house would split in two as Dad and I watched my Mom and Marks team succumb to ours.

It may surprise you to know that I haven't watched a single game this year. If it weren't for Nicks telling me he was busy watching the game, I wouldn't have known they were even playing. I was at work and couldn't tune in, but when I checked online and discovered that OUR game was being played, I was overcome with grief. There are so many things that I haven't done, so much I've avoided, so many people and things I once enjoyed are been neglecting... and it's not getting any easier.

Immediately after leaving work and taking the kids to school, I got in my car and drove the 70miles to see Dad. I never imagined the pain would still be so strong, but it is. The holiday season has been especially difficult. Making the transition from shopping for the perfect present for him to now shopping for a holiday decoration for his gravesite, isn't something I'd wish on anyone.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wrong Hands

Everything I've dreamed of having, is in the wrong hands. She's got everything I've wanted and doesn't even know it nor does she appreciate it. If only she knew... what some would do to have a love like the one she's pushing away.

Monday, December 08, 2008


There are very few things that make me weak to the knees, even fewer people. My kids, my Dad and the other I'll try not to name today. But last night I was sitting in the office when I suddenly hear small high pitched cries in the corner. It was an itty bitty mouse stuck to a glue trap.

I absolutely hate to see suffering, whether it be a drunk who deserved the pain for making a bad choice or a child who cant tell you why he hurts. A piece of me goes out to every patient, every friend and yes even that mouse that kept me up all night.

Now you'd think the guys at work would be tough and come to my rescue when I cried? Instead they scurried away at the site of a live mouse fighting to break free. We scoop brain matter off the streets, put our gloved fingers on an arterial bleed, place an amputated limb on ice and deliver babies that leave us out of service for hours for decon. Yet an entire garage full of super hero's couldn't stand to remove a trap with an itty bitty mouse for me. Go figure...

Friday, December 05, 2008

Sir, Stop the Ride Please

Its been fun, we've had some awesome times. But In the end there's nothing fun about standing alone in an empty room. What started out as a friendship, grew into a physical relationship and has now turned to a beautiful disaster. He came to me at a time when I honestly didn't expect to live through the remainder of the year. I'd just broken up with Ray and was fighting my own personal battle. We bonded through our misery and laughed through our similarities. Today though, I've decided the tears are no longer welcome. I'm electing to get off this emotional roller coaster and make a change. I deserve someone to love, someone to hold, someone to make me feel less alone. I deserve someone as good as me.

Oddly enough... it was you that told me the signs were all there, I just chose to overlook them.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Just Me

Think you know the real me? Well guess what... your wrong! Sure some of you know bits and pieces, but no one knows the real me. I cant even be honest on my own blog without fearing I'll upset someone who reads it.

So what is it tonight?

Dad? Feeling lonely and left in the dark? Worrysome? Indecisive? Maybe, just maybe, it's ...


Wednesday, December 03, 2008


Sorry I've been MIA. I've been sick the past few days. Normally I wouldn't allow it to interfere with my day to day activities, but my co-workers sent me home last night saying I looked like crap. I decided not to argue though and instead took their odd display of affection and went home, crawled into bed and that's where I stayed. Stayed, but didn't sleep... all night!

I took the day off today too and was able to get a little bit of sleep in between trips to the porcelain god, hopefully it'll pass soon. Thanks for stopping by and checking on me though!