Sunday, July 27, 2008


Dear Dad,

It's been three months since the day you left suddenly without saying goodbye. 90 days since we've laughed together... Lord knows not many people get our crazy sense of humor. 2160 hours since I realized you'll never again answer the phone when it rings. 129,600 minutes and 10,368,000 heartbeats, and not a single one allowing me to forget how much I love you.

I love you dad. I miss you more than anything else in the world. Not a day goes by that I don't accidentally walk in your room to ask what you'd like me to cook for dinner. If there's anything you need or want. Not a single day since I catch myself wanting to call the house and ask you for help finding directions when I'm lost.

Dad, I wish I knew what to do to make the pain go away. I know you wouldn't want to see me hurting. You've done everything in the world to keep me and the family happy and I'm forever grateful for the wonderful memories I have of us together.

You taught me to be a brave little girl, surrounding me with truck drivers instead of Barbies. Congratulated me when I did a good job, and offered support when I didn't. I know it broke your heart when I didn't go to college in Texas like we dreamed I would, you even supported me though the rest of the family frowned upon my decisions.

Dad, there will never be another man in my life that means what you mean to me. I love you Daddy! See you soon!

Saturday, July 26, 2008


Busy packing... get back to you later!

Thursday, July 24, 2008


I had an AMAZING day today. Not even a monsoon could stand in our way. I'm really tired and not feeling like I have it in me to make a decent post tonight, but I didn't want you to think I was neglecting you. So lets do the random bullet thingy to recap:

  • Work sucks, the new manager is all up my ass. Although I refused to accept the white shirt, they still manage to drop the duties on my lap. Rather than respond immediately to his ignorant emails, I took some time to really think it over and decided to stay where I'm at. I've just got too much going on right now to tell them to take it up the ass.
  • In less than a week I'll have a new place to lay my head. To be honest though, I'm kinda nervous. I've never really stayed home alone, this may take some time to get used to.
  • Oh the bracelet Ang got me, wishing me luck in the love department proved to be freakishly in tune with me. I don't really believe in that sort of stuff, but hey it's fun to imagine sometimes. Nick told me he loved me. I'd like to imagine that it wasn't just the alcohol talking for him, but deep inside I know we've both got each others names tattooed on our asses.
Ok I'd better stop here before I keep running on. I'm gonna get in the shower, wash my cookie, have some "therapy" and call it a night. See Ya!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Beautiful Story

I've been doing alot of thinking lately. Probably too much, but that's just how I am. Anyway, in 22 days I'll be saying goodbye to Nick. He'll be going back home for a few months with the possibility of accepting a permanent position in Atlanta. I'm not so sure how I feel about that though. Actually I know for sure how I feel about that. I know I'm not very good at saying goodbye, especially when I don't wanna say it.

It's hard to remember what life was like before the day a stranger left a note on my car. Before I looked for GA license plates when parking every morning. Before I found someone who gets my wacky personality... before I learned to love again.

Looking back now, its a beautiful story filled with lots of emails that brings tears to my eyes. But I cant help but wonder, could this be the final chapter? Will this goodbye be our final?

If you need a hug, I've got plenty of them in
storage... and If you need some beef w broccoli, theres plenty more where that came from too! So smile and appreciate the good moments... before we know it the kids will be all grown up into the responsible adults we've expected them to be and we'll be the two old people still trying to get it on in the stairs at the senior center!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Beautiful Disaster

I love how music has the ability to strike a chord within our hearts. How you can take an ordinary old song and suddenly find that it says everything you need, even today.

Would it be beautiful, or just a beautiful disaster?

Thursday, July 17, 2008


Sometimes you hold so tight, it slips right through your hands. On the other hand, sometimes you keep from holding too tight and suddenly find when its time to let go, you just cant.

I cant pinpoint the day I realized or even what triggered it, but I know deep down inside there's no denying it. Your words replay themselves in my mind, offering entertainment and encouragement. When others ask whats the deal with the two of us, I simply smile and tell them I don't know, but I love it. Like two pieces of a puzzle, we just fit.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Exciting Night with the Lesb

Tonight I'm gonna go where I swore I'd never go. I'm going to work in Westchester tonight with Deb the Lesb. When I starting working in dispatch 2 years ago I was warned about Deb and her nasty attitude. The other guys in dispatch seriously had issues with her and often sought disciplinary action against her. When I came in however, many things soon began to change. Deb soon thereafter named me "gentle voice" and would do everything asked of her. She'd even surprise me often making the drive to Brooklyn to deliver me coffee, my crack. Not very long after that when she learned I was single, she asked me out. Of course I declined. I'm strictly dickly Deb, sorry.
Two years later, she's finally stepped it down. Only every so often will she offer to "wine me and dine me like a woman deserves".

Anyway Deb's regular partner recently resigned and no one else is willing to work with her. So they asked me. I'm actually excited though. See Deb's part of our pediatric response team. There's a few awesome hospitals in the area that consider patient care their #1 priority and will even go as far as transferring them to a specialized hospital rather than use them as their own learning experience. In my opinion, being able to admit that another doctor may be able to better treat your child's illness shows a great deal of humanism.

So, while I may have to put up with being hit on all night, which is nothing new, I'll have the opportunity to really learn something be challenged, and that excites me!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Sunday, July 13, 2008

No Thanks

I just don't get it. Seriously WTF is wrong with people?! You cant say its just guys cause some woman are just as guilty. K, It's no secret my job is stressful. Being able to tell mom and dad that their son isn't gonna make it, or even worse, lying to their face to give them false hope seriously gets to you sometimes. People like me who wake up and still continue to put on the uniform deserve some respect. What we don't deserve is to have to put up with the bad morale that some of our co-workers pack along in their bags.

I wont go into the specifics of the situation that made me mad tonight, but I come to work for many reasons. Amongst them: it pays the bills, I enjoy what I do and have a great deal of pride in my work. What I don't appreciate is the bad morale. You'd swear they sprinkle some aphrodisiac powder in our tech bags! I've learned my lesson and wont be re-visiting that place again.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Yup Yup

Do you really miss me that much when I dont blog?!

Ok now brace yourself... you may find this hard to believe, but its true. Accept it for what it is. My name is Lisa, and I. I.... I'm a dork!

Yes its true. Call me cool, call me smart, call me whatever the hell you wanna... but I prefer to call myself a dork.

If you tell me there's something bothering you, I'll try to fix it. If you tell me I'm bothering you... I'll probably take you by the hands and make you shake that ass with me anyway till we both collapse from having a good time. Life's too short to consume yourself with things that don't make you happy! C'mon shake that bon bon :P

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Trip down memory lane.

Been a really busy week... been away with Ang and the girls upstate, now packing the car for a trip with Mom to South Jersey to visit some relatives that'll prove to my kids that granny really is a redneck.

Gonna also make it a point to stop at some places Dad and I shared when times were better, particularly Seaside Heights. If I still have any energy tonight, I'll try to post some old family pics.

See ya!!

Monday, July 07, 2008


So here I am sitting in my workstation when I hear my phone alert me to a new text message from Nick. Without even looking at the message some how I knew there was something wrong. I feel his pain. I know when he's upset just as he does me, even though I deny it.

The massage was to tell me that he was gonna be shutting his phone off for a while. Nick's been coping the past few months by being withrawn, not returning calls and not really letting anyone else in to see the battle he's been fighting.

Ang was browsing a website today for her own inspiration and came along this article:

When he makes the move to separate from his wife, and physically
removes himself from his house, his own emotional rollercoaster truly begins.
It's as if all of the emotions he has kept under control during the time of lies
and deceit overtake him.

will feel deeply depressed. He will feel a great amount of guilt for hurting his
wife (and children if he has any), and will feel a deep sense of failure as a
husband and a father.
He will wonder if he has made the right choice.
He will wonder if he knows what love means, or if he is out of his mind.
He will be petrified at the thought of losing his money in the
divorce, and he will be petrified at the thought of losing the love of his
He will want his wife to understand why he is doing this. He
will want her approval. He will want her blessings. He will want to know if she
will be OK.
If she does not know about you, he will want to keep you
very hidden, especially now, until the terms of the divorce are final.
He will want to appease her.
He will be completely consumed
with himself. He will be obsessed with his marriage and divorce, and obsessed
with the question, "Am I doing the right thing?"
He may wonder if he
loves you. He may love you passionately and wholeheartedly. He may wonder what
he is doing with you. He may wonder how he lived without you. He may wonder if
he hasnt made the biggest mistake of his existence. He may not really, truly
know the answer.
He will need you to comfort him. He will need you to
give him space. He will need you to tell him you love him. He will need you to
go away. He will need you to call him. He will need you to not call him. He will
need you to make love. He will need you to not make love.
time, and nobody knows how much time for any individual man, he will either
settle into his new life without his wife and family, or he will not.
There are far too many stories of men who, after moving in
with the other woman go back.
Your job
during all of this is to protect yourself from his stress. It is all too easy to
want to take care of him and lessen his pain and confusion, but the stress of
his rollercoaster can really cause you emotional and physical harm.
It is
important to remember that now more than ever, he cannot be there for you. He is
too confused and hurting to have anything to give to you.

Nobody can truly predict if he will stay "left" or if he will go
back. It is a catch -22 for you because your insecurities increase horribly at a
time when he is less able to reassure you that he is really going to divorce for

Doomsday Scenario is to serve as a reminder that you must prepare for the chaos
he will be experiencing, and protect yourself as much as possible while it is
happening. It is a reminder that endingstake a long time, and he will need time.

need to get very clear on your own needs and boundaries during this time. Do not
be afraid to set rules to protect yourself, even if it feels like those rules
are pushing him away. In the end, whether you two have a happily ever after or
not, your sanity and sense of self-respect is yours alone to cultivate and

He can only make you insane and make you feel disrespected
if you let him.
Please remember, it is never OK to sacrifice yourself. It is
always OK to love yourself more than you love him.
Be good
to yourself. OK?

This brief article, just like him, came to me when I needed it the most. It gave me the strength to accept that he needs this right now. His emotional rollercoaster ride is just beggining, I pray that I'll still be here to welcome him when the ride comes to a complete stop and he steps back onto the platform.

Funny how the article ended with "be good" though, huh?!

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Bad Dream

I just woke up in tears after having a bed dream. I wanna hurry and write it all down before it escapes my memory.

The dream started as me in class, and being called by my dad in his loud voice much like He did in my high school years advising me I had a phone call. Many people mistook his screaming as him being an ass, when in reality it was because he had to scream that loud to be heard from the bed his disability forced him to spend the entire day in. The person on the other line was a medic from work whom jokingly says "gheez put that man to sleep already".

The next few minutes were kinda strange, but not all that eventful. I began tutoring some troubled kids in math. Before I knew It I was home helping Gabby with homework and briefly stepped away to check on Dad. This is where the pain sets in. Dad looked different, but still gave me the impression it was him. As he peeked his head from under the covers and turned towards me and asked if mom was home yet? I replied no. That's when he says "well I guess I can wait till she gets home to eat dinner... not like I'm going anywhere anytime soon".
I looked into his gray eyes and replied, "but Dad, you died already"! "I cant explain why your here now or what your here for, but... somehow you are". He began laughing as I explained all the details of his death, and my guilt for not being there. My heart cried and I literally felt the pain as I did when I first learned of his death. Suddenly he removed the covers and revealed his small frame...

It wasn't Dad, It was some devil-like figure that sought to tease me. My heart hurts so much right now. I cant do this. I thought I could be a strong little girl like Daddy taught me, but I just cant. I'm sitting on his computer typing this, in his seat... but I need Him.

While Dad couldn't teach me to ride my bike, drive a car or even walk me down the aisle at my wedding. He did teach me one thing, he taught me how to hide my tears and my weakness from the world. I'm supposed to be at work shortly, prepared to save the lives of others. Ready for anything and everything that's thrown my way, when in reality I feel like the one who needs to be saved.