Thursday, February 28, 2008


Last night I got a call from a Nursing home for an elderly person with a fever. Upon my arrival I could hear the sound of death rattling in that 75 yr old womans chest from the moment I stepped off the elevator. My partner and I just looked at each other and gave out that all professional "oh shit". We knew there was very little that could be done at this point and if she were to have any chance of survival we would need to start breathing for her immediately. But apparently this was something the family had prepared for, with them deciding against resuscitating should her heart stop or she'd suddenly stop breathing.

Sometimes were faced with personal battles and no matter how hard it may seem, it's our own to fight. Though many may offer assistance, sometimes we just need to fight them on our own. For me, watching someone I care for very much struggling with life and making decisions has never come easy. He may think that I dont really understand, but the truth is probably do too.

My patient last night didnt survive, but that was a choice that was long pondered by family after their loved one could no longer decide for herself. I cant make the decision for him, but could offer him support no matter. Why?! I guess because he's one of my loved ones now too.

Monday, February 25, 2008


My boobs are swollen and sore, they hurt like hell. I'm retaining water and craving lots and lots of chocolate. It can only mean one thing either my hormones are raging from not getting any in over a month or I'm just PMS'ing.

Go On

You know what I need?! I need a song!

I just finished reading the book Ang sent me about seeing things from a guys point of view. Apparently all the signs were there and I was just to blind to see. But whatever, I'll never let Smiley take my friendship for granted again. One thing has me seriously thinking though. The one thing I wanted last week, I couldn't have without flying. The one who seemingly has impeccable timing, is still MIA. Which brings me into another chapter of the book.

Why after waiting two weeks for a phone call, we don't just tell ourselves to throw in the towel. The author goes on to say that If a guy were really interested in you, especially if he were out of town, he'd made it a point to keep in contact with you because he wouldn't want you to stray away. So... as the book is titled, He's just not that into you!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

My Snow Angels

I love my kids more than anything in the world. When it seems the world is piling on my shoulders and all efforts are failing, my kids give me a dose of my own medicine...Laughter!

When I know their feeling down and out for whatever reason, I'll do something wacky to make them smile. Don't get me wrong, we know when its time to be serious, but for the most part we enjoy each others company. This morning we woke up to find quite a bit of snow had fallen overnight. Just enough to finally take the sleds out of the closet and enjoy a wet cold afternoon in the park. I didn't realize it until later, but it was just what I needed.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Music Mends a Broken Heart

Considering the popularity, its pretty safe to say the music is known to help mend a broken heart. Most songs we listen to are either celebrating a love or getting over losing one. I personally use music for several occasions. Music invokes feelings I for whatever reason wanna feel at any given moment.

There are several other ways people deal with their pain though. For instance, according to the Kübler-Ross model there are five discrete stages by which people deal with grief and tragedy. The model was introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying". The stages have become well-known as the "Five Stages of Grief", depicting the stages that usually follow being diagnosed with a terminal disease. Tonight however I've decided to use this model and see where I stand. I know its normal to be withdrawn and depressed for a bit. I also know that I have some really wonderful friends who come here from time to time to check on me. Hopefully I don't scare them away by turning away from them for a bit while I recover. Just know that every little thing your doing is appreciated. I love you guys!

Now, according to the Kübler-Ross model I'm doing fairly well. Here's how he groups the stages:

  1. Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening."
  2. Anger: "Why me? It's not fair."
  3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my children graduate."
  4. Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
  5. Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."
Last night I was in the anger stage as I heard for myself the truth. She called him right in front of me and I heard for myself the one man I trusted not to disappoint me, do just that. I guess a man doesn't need a functioning penis to still act like one! High Five Ang!!!
Ahh.. that felt good!

Back to me now. I'm all that matters right now. I don't want anymore excuses. You've had many chances to make up for all the wrongs. So to smiley and his little blue pills...Goodbye!

So... where do I stand? Lets see, I'm over the anger and denial, never bothered bargaining. No reason to bargain with someone that'll break my heart again. Depression, yeah thats about right. I don't wanna laugh right now. I don't wanna go out and get over him, I just wanna sit here and listen to my music. The next step however may prove to be a struggle. What do I learn to accept? That he's an ass, or that all men are asses?!

K, I'm back to my music now. Thanks for checking in on me!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


Thats it, stick a fork in me cause I'm done.

I'm full of so much emotion right now, but the last thing I want is my kids seeing is me crying. This post is probably gonna be the most emotional post you've seen from me in a very long time. But because I cant do it without crying like a baby, I'll have to finish it later when their in bed or something.

Friday, February 15, 2008

How we Roll

You'd be amazed just how your opinion of someone changes when your pissed at them. This week is the week that the corporate mongers at Hallmark try to pressure us into telling that special someone in our lives just how much they mean to us. Now I know I'm probably sounding like a hypocrite and shit by saying that I hate the holiday, but deep down under my manly uniform is a woman with a very soft heart. I do lots of those little things needed to keep a healthy relationship that remind your loved ones their thought of often. All I asked for, we'll more like secretly hoped for, was for that special someone to show it back.

Now I should be pissed, I should be heart broken, I should be making some lives miserable. Instead I'll feed your heads with some drama.

First, after finally giving Smiley his separation papers we ironically had to work together again. When I was in love with the dude and tried everything I could to be alone together I'd watch for vacancies and sign up to be his partner. I'd cook him dinner and do just about anything to let him know just how I felt for him on a daily basis, until I got tired of not getting the same effort in return. Now that things are over though he's starting to do weird things. I swear he's got borderline personality disorder. Until our big fight earlier in the week I was considering giving him another chance, but when I saw he once again misused my trust, I had no choice but turn away for good.

But shit... this is my f*cking life were talking about remember?!. Nothing goes simple. We were stuck working together for Valentines day and the eve before. I could see the hurt in his eyes as he tried apologizing and justifying his actions. I didn't want to hear it. Unless It had anything to do with work, I didn't wanna be bothered with it anymore. So... I signal to the dispatcher that we're ready for our first assignment and with nothing holding he asked me to standby in the area. After the longest and quietest10 minutes in my life I asked him to drive to dunkin so I could get some coffee. Once again, in case you haven't realized it by now... My life's full of drama. Sure enough as soon as we turn the corner we were flagged down by a few pedestrians for what appeared to be an MVA. On the opposite end of the street were a small mazda with white smoke (FYI: white's usually safe) and an older gentleman inside with positive airbag deployment.

To make a long story short, the man was on his way home after having a few drinks with friends. He wrapped his car around a utility pole but somehow escaped harm. What he couldn't escape however were the cute cops they kept sending to assist me that ultimately hauled him off and charged him with a DWI. In the 45 minutes it took for PD to arrive though Smiley and I began sharing our familiar jokes. Before I knew it I was back under his spell again.

Smiley however wasn't the man I hoped to see on Valentines day. It was actually (shit I just realized the irony in the name) Nick. I knew he was back in town. I made several calls all week long to his cell phone and none were answered. I know he's going through alot of shit right now and I should really be the last thing he needs to worry about, but would it hurt to drop a line or something before leaving for another 2 weeks? I miss sitting and talking, laughing and well just being me. Sure all that other stuff is fun too, but more than anything else I miss having a reason to hurry home in the morning.

Finally, after sitting here bitching about all the men that managed to piss me off this week I realized I have so many more male friends that I'd being doing an injustice If I said all men suck. So... I just decided it would be best to stay away from the those evil depressing mongers at Hallmark and shop for my own self-love gift at walmart :P

Thursday, February 14, 2008

My V-Day

I had this really cool post planned for today. I was gonna blast and FOAD every single guy in my life for pissing me off. Then I came across Watchdogs's post and changed my mind. F*ck bitching about other people, today It's all about loving ME!

Now I'm not as talented as he is, so I'm stealing his idea :P

Here’s how the whole thing works:

1.) You’re gonna grab yourself a banner. If you don’t like the one I’ve used in this post, you can find another one here.

2.) You’re gonna post that banner and with it tell us all something that you really like love about yourself (thus, the “self-love” portion of the program).

3.) Ask or beg your readers to post one thing that they too love about you!!! If your blog friends are nice, you shouldn’t have to beg…much.

4.) Enjoy yourself and spread the love by doing this on your blog!

Self love is nothing new to me, shit it's the reason I'm always late for work. With showers often taking longer than expected. But aside from that, I Love myself for my ability to be a great listener. Friends and loved ones know just how dependable I can be. If your looking for someone that'll always have your back, I'm your gal! Need someone to give you a hug and tell you it'll be all right? Yup thats me too. Why? Because I love and care for you more than you'll ever know... thats just me!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Snow Day

Finally, our first snow accumulation in NYC this year. This time however its caught me at a time when just about everything and everyone is seemingly making me mad. Instead of thoughts of sledding and hot cocoa all I can think of is a 12 hour shift ahead with 4 MVA's because some assholes don't realize driving in snow is dangerous, 2 heart attacks cause you ignored the warnings and insisted on clearing the sidewalks quickly and 1 fractured hip because your asshole neighbor didn't!

Anyway... hope you guys enjoy it!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Just called to say...

I hold my phone and stare at it, wondering... will you answer when I call this time? Should I leave another voicemail that'll likely go unanswered or find another distraction?

Writing this made me think of you, so I called you once again. This time however just like the last, I didn't leave a message. Maybe you want me to give up, maybe I complicate things for you. I begin to think about how I treat people that call me when I don't want to be bothered by them. The calls that go unanswered, the emails without replies and all because... they cant be you.

Hopefully with time It'll hurt less, but for now writing about you helps even though you'll probably never know I ever felt this way.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I'm an ass!

I'm such an ass! Friday night, taking Gabby to the ER, the thought of taking my meds was far from my mind until someone jokingly reminded me last night. Of course by then I'd realized that I've missed not only fridays meds but now saturdays as well.

So... here I am on whats now day three without taking my meds, and all I can feel is anger towards myself. I'm gonna have to cancel my appointment with the hematologist that I've waited 6 weeks to get, just because they'd have to admit me for being obviously well below therapeutic levels... Cant hide blood from vampires!

Tonight's my friday, with the rest of the week off I dont intend on spending three more lonely days in the hospital waiting for the coumadin levels to go up again. I think I need to find someone reliable to send me daily reminders or something before I do some serious harm.

Friday, February 08, 2008

I must look really fuckin cute now!

I'll fill you guys in on the details later.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Sleep Talking

I'm half asleep as I write this, so nows a good time to hear me ramble on about just about anything and everything, but mostly nothing at all.
  • I'm seriously thinking I'm getting too old for these 36 hour days.
  • I'm pretty concerned about Nick. Although he tells me not to be, I cant help but feel the pain between his words.
  • I wouldn't be surprised if I get called in to be drug tested later. I ran away from work this morning feeling very sick, and eyes were bright red. But I assure you it was mostly the over-crowded ER's, extended waits in triage, my coumadin... and sleep deprivation!
Ok, ok I'm gonna shut up now and get my ass to bed.

G'night Y'all!

Sunday, February 03, 2008


Ever wish you had the power to see who someone really is immediately rather than waiting months or years to find that there's something they do that drives you insane? I was chatting with Penn earlier and got into a similar conversation. In the beginning of a relationship were often clouded with nothing but positive thoughts. With time however, we eventually start to see the faults.

Although its said that no one person is perfect, its also said that opposites attract. Arguing in a relationship is perfectly normal... I just wish I could see all the faults and decide whether I wanna waste my time early on. Is that too much to ask?

Now... I wanna know about you! Consider yourself tagged.

The rules:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I dance around my room naked after I get out of the shower, sometimes even in front of an open window.

2. I'm scared of being home alone.

3. I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube rather than roll it up, but... at least I remember to put the cap back on :P

4. I'm known to moan in my sleep... probably dreaming of you.

5. Apparently it's impossible for me to lie when I'm sleeping too. If you wanna get the truth out of me, catch me sleep talking which I do quite often too.

6. I like warm coffee. If its too cold or too hot, I'll let it sit till its room temperature.

7. I'll eat chocolate cake and a diet coke and call it a balanced diet :P

I'm not exactly into the whole chain letter thing. So I wont be threatening you or pulling your arms forcing you to do this, but I think it would be pretty cool to know more about those that already know so much about me. If you have a blog, send me the link to your answers, if not leave your answers as a comment. Have fun with it!

Friday, February 01, 2008


Ever wish you could write something so secretive, and anonymous because you'd just about die if someone knew it was you. The above isn't mine, but I'm a big fan of PostSecret, a site that allows you to do just that. Although I haven't personally sent anything in, I can honestly say that I can relate to many of the people who have. I really want the book they published too, I've been saying it for a while, but thats kinda sorta one of my secrets.

I have a hard time buying myself things. I could splurge on the kids and not think twice about taking my sister out for dinner and a movie last night, but dropping a few bucks on myself for a book that really wouldn't serve any functional purpose, just seems a bit... not me. I know it probably sounds stupid, but there's more stupid little things about me you probably don't know too.