Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Thank You

I've spent the majority of the week thus far tying up some loose ends and making peace with myself. Not only do I find myself double checking my life insurance policies and stuff, but I also find my self re-evaluating my personal relationships too. All attempts to keep my heart "at ease" have been successful so far. I've swallowed my pride and held alot in, all in an attempt to prevent any other Tachycardia's.

This whole thing has also caused me to re-evaluate alot of shit going on in my life. As a young child I lost a very close friend in a tragic accident. The funeral was huge. Seriously I mean monstrous. It made me wonder though, even at the young age of maybe 11 or 12, what If I were to die? Would I have a large crowd too? Who would wish they could've said goodbye but couldn't? This is likely the cause of many dreams or nightmares that I had. I can remember many of them, including ones of me being harmed and screaming for help, though no one could hear me. Sound weird? Yeah I know that's just me!

But seriously though, if something were to happen to me. I want everyone to know, just what they meant to me. To those that I spend my time with everyday, whether it be work or leisure, I treasure all of you in your own individual way. For the great sense of humor you have. For being able to keep up with my crazy life. For your ability to make me smile even when it feels like the world is coming down around me. For being so damn tough on the outside, but so adorable on the interior. For inspiring me to blog, and sit here staring hard at this damn blinking cursor trying to think of something else to say...

Now, I've scared a few people by uttering those three words this week. But oh well too damn bad, I Love You anyways!!!

Now don't forget boys and girls, tomorrows the best day of all. The day I get to bitch about all those that have pissed me off. You may have noticed that I haven't mentioned a few names in a while...You'll definitely wanna tune in for the ultimate FOAD Thursday.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Ok. Here's the break down

Ok, sorry for the delay. Let me take a few minutes to explain what happened.

Well Friday morning my day started as usual, and shortly after breakfast I began to feel palpatations. My heart was beating abnormally fast for no apparent reason at all. This wasn't however the first time it's occurred. It usually comes and goes in a minute or two. I waited for about 15 minutes before enlisting my fellow EMT's for help. We weren't able to get an actual pulse because the beats were too frequent and weak to count. That's when we summoned a paramedic to get me on a monitor and try to get it. When he did, it read 260 and said I was either in AFib or SVT (Supra Ventricular Tachycardia). He immediately radioed for help. Lucky for me I was in the garage when a few of the crews were turning out and ready to start their day. Little did I know, rather than dispatching them to an emergency, I was going to require their help to save my own life today.

In a matter of minutes, maybe seconds I was surrounded by colleague's all trying to help. Their attempts to stabilize me were unsuccessful and chose to "load and go" to the nearest hospital. The nearest hospital just so happens to have one of the worse reputation in the city, however I knew most of the staff from doing my own ER rotations. As soon as I arrived I was greeted by familiar faces that recognized me and cared for me as one of their own. Dr McPherson (who did a number on my brachial artery) immediately mumbled a personal joke between the two of us, and shortly after injected the Adenosine I needed to force my heart into a normal rhythm again.

Shortly after my friend Kim made a call to admitting and told them that they had a staff member that was to be admitted to the Telemetry unit. I kid you not, Kim had a bed for me in less than 10 minutes. I was a patient at Brookdale before, I waited nearly 15 hours for a bed to become avail. Even the nurses were surprised at how quickly I was "processed". While an impatient, I was was treated by the chief of cardiology for both Brookdale as well as Downstate University. She suspects that the SVT was caused by AV Nodal Reentrant Tachycardia. A rapid heart rate due to more than one pathway through the AV node. It can cause heart palpatations, fainting or heart failure.

On Friday I will have a procedure done to attempt to eliminate the source of the extra signal to the AV node. They will be inserting catherters into my heart otherwise known as Cardiac Ablation in which they will induce the Tachycardia, locate the re-entrant and ablate or burn it. This will hopefully fix the problem. It does carry some risks, of course there's the risk of injury to the arteries that they use to insert the catheters and the heart tissue its self their burning. But most of all the biggest risk is if they accidentally burn the good source, then my heart will need a pacemaker to transmit the signal to the Av node to tell it to beat.

All in all, its technically a minimally invasive procedure, with some risks. But the biggest risk would be to do nothing and wait for this to happen again.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Heaven didn't Want Me...

I'm not really feeling up to posting right now. Lets just say I've had quite the experience yesterday. I was just discharged from the hospital, diagnosed with a cardiac problem and just feel like getting into bed right now. I'll fill you guys in tomorrow if I feel any better. Until then...

Thursday, January 18, 2007


I just realized that today is Thursday. There's more to Thursday then the fact that it's payday for me. See today's the day I've actually got an excuse to bitch about those that piss me off. This week I'm gonna bitch about Big Head. See I work in the field of EMS, which to many of the married assholes in the industry might as well mean Extra Marital Sex. See a few weeks ago Big Head told a mutual friend of ours that he was interested in "getting to know me better". Yeah whatever. I shrubbed it off. Thanks but no thanks.

At my company, I have a large amount of control over what kind of assignments people get. I can keep you doing BS work, or I can send your ass to Guam when you piss me off. So it comes as no surprise that many people (especially men and even lesbians) have tried to swoon me, in an effort to win me over. I can proudly say that I have never, never ever never, taken anyone up on the offers. So just like every other I ignored him. That is until I saw him last week and he confronted me. Now here's when it gets good. If your a fucking real man, why would you talk bad about the two women you chose to have kids with? If you didn't love either of them enough to marry them, YTF should I even think that your a decent person. Ok what'eva.

Next, you talk shit about one of our supervisors who dumped your ass and told me shit about her that would send the person who's baby she aborted to kick your MF Ass. So lets get this straight, you like white chicks, that's cool and shit but keep looking, cause you've got way too much disrespect for my blood. In conclusion, this week's FOAD goes to Big Head and his enormous ego.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007


In Life, we make many choices. Choices that are supposed to shape and mold our future. Earlier in the week I spoke of the "Pillow Angel" and the decisions her parents made to shape her future and their ability to care for her. I made the commitment to myself a few months ago to stop letting people walk all over me. I've been working on toughening myself for many reasons including giving orders at work.

While I must say, I've improved my ability to tell people to F*ck off and shit, but I'm still a big sap at heart. In the end, I'm still the one shedding tears. I realized the other night just what an ass I've been. When my family was busy mourning a few recent losses, I teased them and told them to suck it up and pretty much to move on. Maybe they needed the tough love, or maybe not. I certainly surprised them and myself when I took time to reflect.

I layed like a baby curled up in bed, crying to the music I selected to put me in the mood to clean. Ok so I didn't get much cleaning done, or maybe I did. Maybe I needed to reflect and feel remorse towards what was going on. I loved the ones that I lost forever, especially the ones I never got the chance to say goodbye to. My new commitment, or resolution, will be to let everyone who means the world to me know just how much I adore them.

Saturday, January 13, 2007


I was just doing some math. So far this year I've buried three loved ones and cremated our 19 yr old family cat. But the one thats hurts the most is the 5th person, to whom I professed my love to. The one I finally opened up to, who took my love and ran with it.

Friday, January 12, 2007

In a Dream

I had this rather strange dream last night. I dreamed about my supervisor at work. I've had a few of them, call me crazy or maybe I just spend too much time at work, but this time around there wasn't any significant reason for the dream. I can usually wake up and justify the dreams I have. Since I was a child, I've had some pretty awkward dreams involving the weirdest of things. This one however puzzles me. He was behind a counter which displayed various figurines. Some of which I really really liked. There was this angel figurine made of green jade. I fell in love with the angel statue. I wanted it so bad. The wings and the delicate detail.... I've gotta find it! I'm not much of a materialistic person, but this item has got me searching high and low. Maybe theres more hidden in that dream, but I probably wont figure it out... at least not until I'm supposed to.

Monday, January 08, 2007

"The Pillow Angel"

I want to take sometime to voice my opinion on a rather touchy topic. In Washington state a family has struggled with caring for their severely developmentally disabled young daughter. At the age of 9, they've decided to stunt her growth in an effort to better care for her. By removing her uterus and breast tissue, they will not only be preventing her from growing out of her tiny 4 1/2 foot, 65 lb frame, but also preventing her from ever going through painful menstrual cycles and possibly breast cancer which runs in the family.

Ashley, who's been dubbed "The Pillow Angel", was diagnosed with static encephalopathy, which means she's severely brain damaged, shortly after birth. "Her condition has left her in an 'infant state', unable to sit up, roll over, hold a toy, walk or talk". Her parents say she will never get better. "She is alert, startles easily, and smiles, but does not maintain eye contact", says her parents in their blog.

Now the question is, what would we do if we were in their shoes?

When I first came across this controversial article, my first reaction was that this was a radical decision on the part of the parents. How could you do that? If God wanted her to stay petite, he would keep her small. Who are they to change her destiny? However after pondering this topic all weekend, I came to the realization that a decision as big as this couldn't possibly be easy for her parents. Until you've spent time in their shoes, you have absolutely no right to judge their decision.

I began to think of the disabled and terminal children and adults that I see daily. See many of these children like Ashley cannot sit up, therefore have must be laying down or carried anytime you wish to move her. If she had to go to one of her many doctors appointments, she would have to be transported by ambulance, and carried down stairs to do so. Logically, being lighter and smaller would make this stressful event easier.

Just last month, I lost a dear friend as a possible result of the stress that everyone goes through to make the seemingly simple task of going to the doctor. See my dear friend John weighed over 400lbs last week when he fell off his wheelchair and needed the help of 6 firemen to lift his large frame from the lobby of his apartment building. The stress of knowing that the entire neighborhood was watching the two fire trucks and two ambulances that it took to take him to the hospital for evaluation of his bumps and bruises, put strain on his already overworked heart. Thus the likely cause of his Myocardial Infarction (MI) otherwise known as a heart attack.

Sadly John didn't make it that day. But I use this reference to make my point. The task of caring for a sick loved one, especially one like Ashley, is often difficult. Having the ability to change or alter her size will make it much easier to care for her in the future. Many people looking at Ashley's parents at first glance, may think that their decision is a rather radical one. But until you've spent a day in their shoes and have seen the difficulties they can expect in her near future, you cannot possibly make a fair judgment. Just thank God for all that he's given you, and pray that you and your loved ones never have to make such a tough decision.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Whats So New?

I haven't blogged in a while, actually I haven't done many things I enjoy for a while, but Ive been avoiding blogging mainly because I'm tired about complaining about my social life. Shit it cant be entertaining, can it?
Oh well, I don't give a shit. This is my blog and i'll do what I damn well please with it. Today I feel like bitching about the busy week at work, and the virtually non-existant boyfriend.

Work for whatever reason has been really busy the past few weeks. With all the family gatherings and gouging on left overs, comes all the people complaining about stomach aches and shit. Oh well...It'll get better and I'll stop getting screamed at for not doing things the way my supervisors would've.

Next in my list of complaints is my 9 year old daughter who's discovering ways to play sick way too early in life. I thought I'd have at least another 3 or 4 years before she learned how to play hookie.

And last but certainly not least is the grand ol' fuckin Ray of sunshine. He's been seriously messing up. Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore and wanted to make the final decision, something pops out in the form of a myspace comment, or 2, ok it was actually 5 or 6 x-rated comments he's left for some barely legal chicas. If thats what he's putting in public view I could only imagine what's been written in private. So how did i take this breaking news? Off to the gym as usual. They had to kick my fat ass out tonight at closing. I've learned to channel my anger into something productive, and maybe strengthen my calves so It'll really hurt him when I kick his ass to the curb.... If I ever speak to him again!

Oh yeah... Happy New Year!!!