Tuesday, November 17, 2009

At All

Lets just say hypothetically speaking, someone you love very much gets some grim news from their doctor. They've decided not to fight back and take a more passive approach after years of struggling with debilitating pain.
You know that loving him/her and allowing him in your life will end in heartache sometime in the near future. Do you love him/her with all that you have? Keep them strong enough to fight back?

Monday, November 16, 2009

Monday, November 02, 2009


Let me paint a picture if you don't mind....

You reach out to your best friend, who's a nurse, for advice and support after just going through a pretty scary situation. Your frightened at the thought of a relapse so you seek her help. However rather than be a friend and offer support she throws some other inappropriate shit in your face and tells you she doesn't want to hear what you have to say.

How do you react? Do you argue back or ignore her like you've done in the past when she's said hurtful full things? Like the time she called you irresponsible, or how about when she said I was hurting the kids? Once again I ignored and decided I WILL NOT allow any more negativity in my life. I couldve thrown thousands of things in her face that she did that was wrong, but a good friend doesn't say things to hurt you. I want one that'll offer the same support and love as I do.

The days have turned into weeks and still nothing... then I read on facebook that she had a party for the kids on Halloween, a holiday we used to share together. Did I know or were my kids invited? Nope! I secretly hoped that my best friend would come through. That she'd realize that despite our feelings about the men we choose to be with, that we had something not worth allowing those differences to get between us. However after all this and seeing this new bit of info I realize I'm not dealing with Ang anymore, she's Mrs Rog now.

I wish her the best and hope he does her right.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Treats and Tricks

Yesterday was Halloween, a day the girls and I really enjoy every year. Some view the holiday as a dark holiday celebrating witchcraft and idolizing the devil. That very well may be true for some people, but as for me and my home we celebrate an American tradition in which we dress up as an imaginary character and visit neighbors homes for candy treats. Nothing more, and no secret demonic rituals after dark.
Yesterday was also a landmark day in our relationship, the day his and mine became ours as we all shared our first holiday together. Thankfully all went well and the girls had a great time together. Its just a shame I had to come to work tonight. I really would've liked to be home with them, but once again my job makes my goals for my family life a bit more difficult to achieve. The next time they ask me for a favor, I'll remember this time when I really wanted one myself.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


I'm so pisssed right now and need to vent! I'm supposed to get off at 7am after working a 12 hr shift. My relief is never, I repeat NEVER on time. So this morning I wasnt very surprised when she called at 0640 to say that she was running late. Apparently her late night partying has led her to some legal problems and she was involved in a fight that led to someone getting stabbed. She's being taken to the local police station for questioning and doesnt know how long they'll keep her.

Now I dont like to talk crap about people, but when you hold a professional license to provide care to sick and elderly people you should also be willing to be a model citizen. This includes not getting yourself involved in unethical activities after hours! Infact your ass should be home sleeping so you have the well rested mind ready to apply the critical thinking skills required of you at work.

But... Im not her supervisor. Who am I to complain?!

Thank You my blogger audience for hearing my roar :-P

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Words can be more fierce than a Sword

Sometimes we dont realize the weight behind our words. After what happened Thursday, my Hero cancelled his own doctors appointments and tried getting out of work to stay and take care of me. While I really do appreciated the help and concern, It saddens me to think of my loved ones going through another ordeal with me getting sick again.

Ang was no help and just made me more emotional. While laying in bed together this morning, my Hero asked how I was feeling and I told him how much it bothers me to know that he and others are worried about me. In doing so, I started a huge disagreement that nearly ended our relationship. He was very upset and offended by my words. Did I not want him to care? Of course I do. I just dont want him to hurt. Instead of getting the intended message, he heard that I dont want him to take care of me and help me. If something happened to him, I obviously would support him, so why then wont I let him do the same for me?

I suppose it all comes down to not feeling vulnerable again, still scarred from my past or maybe a combination of it all. Nontheless after hours that felt like months apart and buckets of tears. We've decided we're gonna work on my fears, my doubts and most importantly my getting better.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Hunting Season's Over

Something happened yesterday, something life changing. While in the shower I suddenly collapsed. Thank God Im sleeping with an EMT who immediatly rushed to my aide. I dont know if its cardiac related or maybe my glucose being too low, I just know that the thought of dealing with another health crisis scares the crap out of me.

So... naturally I reached out to my best friend for advice and support. Instead I got something far different. Infact I got bullets thrown at me. I wont be returning to the range anytime soon. Im done with the attacks.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


Another one?! No Way!

I'm happy for you, I really am. I just really wish it were me celebrating. I can only hope that one day I'll be in your swollen shoes.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Woo Hoo

Ok I know I promised I wouldn't blog about you babe, but I cant help but want to shout from the tallest building just how in love I am!

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Signed and Sealed with a Kiss

Its official... as of 3:45 pm today, I'm officially divorced! Goodbye loser!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


My emotions got the better of me and I sent a copy of that last blog entry to him. The response was all I needed to pack up my emotional baggage and get to steppin'. I wake up this morning was a text message telling me he "didnt wanna be friends anymore but would really like to bust a nut". WTF?

Are you for real? So I replied: "Wow thats really fucked up!"
He later replied that we really didnt need to talk, that we could just do whatever and leave. Still in disbelief that he would be this dis-respectful to someone he once referred to as being his best friend, I replied: "No I love myself more than that... sorry".

I'm still in aw... how could he do me so wrong and be so hurtful? Whatever... It was all I needed to push on and focus on someone deserving of my love. Thank you Lord for giving me this closure!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Look into the Crystal Ball

We keep company that makes us feel good. Someone that brings out the best in us. A few years ago I met someone that helped me forget my many struggles, even if only for the brief time we spent chatting in his car. Our friendship grew stronger and stronger and we began to fully confide in one another our deepest feelings.
I soon after fell for my best friend. He was all I could think about day and night. All I ever wanted... smart, funny, a hard worker, a dreamer and most importantly a good dad to his kids. Everything I sought in a partner.
Just as fate brought us together in an instant, it tore us apart too. His son was in a horrible accident and though he survived, it left a huge psychological burdon on his protective dad. Initially we still spoke everyday though he was 1000 miles away. I knew he was struggling with the impact the accident left, but still held onto hopes that the friend I once loved would soon return. Months later, when he was still struggling, the Dr prescribed him medication. With the swallow of the pill I lost my best friend. In his place stood a man with no emotion, no passion and nothing worth smiling about anymore. Still, I held onto hope that when he returned to NYC I'd be able to help him get better. Instead things got worse.
The days turned into weeks as I wouldn't hear from him. I sent emails and messages no which I got no response. Id check his phone records for some reassurance he was alive and well, and instead I'd find he's been chatting with many other females. So why not me? We keep company that makes us happy. I suppose I stopped making him happy. Instead of confronting him, I did the same. I began chatting with guys that made me feel good as he once did.
He once told me he wished he could look into a crystal ball and see where we'd be in a few years. Never in a million years would I have imagined our relationship would've ended the way it did.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


Saturday, July 04, 2009

"...I'd Have To"

I'm back from outer space. I haven't been blogging much... I'm sorry. I just hate having to come here to complain about little stuff when there's so much worse going on around me. However by not communicating or expressing my thoughts and emotions, I finally exploded. What did it for me? A simple comment.

While having a brief conversation in the elevator with HIM, I confirmed my fear. Things really are very much different than they were last year, as was his answer in comparison to the answer he gave last year. Hearing him say that he'd have to simply disappear one day without notice made me realize that I really have been nothing more than a work related benefit for use at his disposal. And by accepting it I've cheating myself of all I truly deserve.

I reflect on many good memories between us and the many dreams we once shared and it brings tears to my eyes to think of it coming to an end, but in all reality It really ended months ago.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Keeping Up

Looking at my post's for the month its plain to see my lack of effort into keeping my readers entertained. I'm sorry guys, I've just been busy with... new projects. Yeah, that's an easy way of putting it. In the past 3 weeks I spent a total of three nights in my house. Call me crazy if you want, but my bills are getting paid!

One of the "projects" is that of me enlisting in a division at work that includes providing emergency medical services at major venues here in NYC. It's really pretty cool. We provide services to places like Madison Square Garden, Nokia Theatre and Yankee Stadium amongst dozens more. The pay kinda sucks. Nonetheless, being paid to be at a concert or watch ball games is match made in heaven for me!

...And the view is quite AWESOME!

As for the other projects, well.... Mr Pink was given a pink slip. Deb got really close to being a science project being studied by the Louis and Clarke Dynamic Duo, but their new subject seems to be a repeat offender. And finally my home boy seems to be coming around again YAY!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Old enough to die? You decide!

With this being my 500th post, I didnt want to subject you to yet another post about my boring drama. Instead I waited for days and fought through my writers block to bring back my initial intentions for this site... something decent.

Imagine this if you will; Your 13 year old boy has a curfew of 9pm and walks in the doors just before midnight on a school night. What do you do? Punish him or perhaps take his allowance away?

Now imagine if you would, another boy also 13 yr old, is diagnosed with a treatable form of cancer, Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The family has been fighting doctors and local courts siting they belong to a religious group that believes in "natural" healing methods. Their son Daniel has testified he believed chemotherapy would kill him and told the judge that if anyone tried to force him to take it, "I'd fight it. I'd punch them and I'd kick them."

Daniel and his mother are on the run now as court officials issued a nationwide search for their return. Brown County District Judge John Rodenberg, who had ruled last week that Daniel's parents were medically neglecting him, issued an arrest warrant Tuesday for Colleen Hauser and ruled her in contempt of court. Rodenberg also ordered that Daniel be placed in foster care and immediately evaluated by a cancer specialist for treatment.

In the medical profession we're constantly faced with morally challenging decisions. Another example: The 40 something mother of 4 refuses to battle her metastatic cancer and signs Do Not Resuscitate orders refusing all life saving interventions, and instead chooses to "die with dignity". With all the medical advances, her chances of survival are very good, however she fears suffering through rounds of chemo therapy and radiation and instead chooses to say goodbye to her loved ones.

Lets examine another case: In November 2007, a Washington state judge allowed Dennis Lindberg, a 14-year-old Jehovah's Witness sick with leukemia, to refuse a blood transfusion that could 've saved his life. Jehovah's Witnesses believe accepting a blood transfusion violates God's law. The teenager died the same day the decision was made.

When do we say its ok for a person to choose to die? At what age would we believe they were capable of making that decision? And should courts be allowed to over rule a persons religious beliefs?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Blame It

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Good Humor: take 2

Eight months ago I jokingly made mention that the ice cream guy was trying to pimp me out. Well since the last guy he tried to hook me up with suddenly passed away, guess what? He's at it again, but aiming for someone a little healthier. Saturday while standing with Gabby at the ice cream truck and chatting with Johnny, as we always do, he asked if I were still single. I smiled and replied yes, at that very moment I turned and someone snuck behind me. It was Mr. Pink. Mr. Pink and I have been talking for a few weeks now, but unannounced to Johnny.

The elderly Good Humor man who knows him too, grabbed Mr. Pink and demanded he ask me on a date. I turned 5 shades of pink as did he, as I listened to Johnny tell us why we'd make the perfect pair and offered to pay for our wedding cake.

I love you Johnny! Your the Man!!! LMAO

Monday, May 11, 2009


Guys are psycho, point blank! Nothing they do makes sense and in my opinion, all their concerned with is feeding their damn ego's. I've been doing alot of research lately hoping to answer some questions when I came across an article titled appropriately: Why Guys Dump Girls They Dig.

When your sitting on the toilet and cant quite drop that load your carrying, glance over the following facts. They've got all the BS you could've asked for!

Are You About to Be Jilted? Signs that your man's getting ready to

His cell phone is always off. He might be spending time with
someone he doesn't want you to know about ... or he just doesn't want to make
himself available.

He's reluctant to make plans. If he hems and haws
about committing to anything — even if it's in the semi-near future — he's
thinking about making a break for it.

He's meaner. The
passive-aggressive breakup is a guy standby. Some men intentionally turn into
a-holes to make sure you break up with them.

He's not into sex. He
doesn't want to feel connected to you — or he's getting his needs filled
somewhere else.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Ok, Ok... Just one more! The day wouldnt be complete without my adding A Song for Momma!!!

Little Girls Depend on Things Like That

For Mothers Day I thought I'd share a song I hold close to my heart right now. After seeing the Hannah Montana movie with my girls a few weeks ago, I fell in love with the story line and one song in particular. In the song Butterfly, Hannah (played by Miley Cyrus) thanks her dad for doing all the little things that meant so much to her and acknowledges his having done it all alone.

I've already told my girls were dancing to this song at their weddings, LOL. Hope you enjoy it too:

Saturday, May 09, 2009


Sometimes we look at things, or people if you would, and imagine them to be something their not. You've seen their face hundreds of times, but today in a new light, you see something different.

Try this out? What do see? At first glance Albert Einstein appears. Now step back several feet and another famous Hollywood artist appears.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009


Sunday, May 03, 2009

I Love You

I probably should be a big mess right now. Am I? Absolutely not!

I have faith in God and his master plan for me. He removed certain things from my grasp, to open my hands to receive a larger blessing. I shall not fear but rather embrace his will, there's no greater love than his.

Monday, April 27, 2009

I wanna write. I wanna fill you in... but everytime I try, I cant fight back the tears. I'm sorry.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Dreams, they meet us every night and often at various random moments throughout the day. But what do they mean? I personally believe dreams interpret our subconscious thoughts. Things that we perhaps avoid thinking about or dealing with sneaking up on us as we rest. There's no fighting it, its bothering you.

I dreamt a few weeks ago that another friend at work was pregnant leaving me to be the only woman in the office who's not. Deep inside I know the dream dealt with my feelings of depression surrounding the fact that I'll probably cant.

Just the other night I woke up crying after an argument with a very good friend of mine. I cant remember the details of the argument anymore, but know that it entailed him confessing a lack of pleasure between us and other words spoke that hurt so much. But the truth is, these are all thought Ive conjured up but never dealt with. About how lonely Ive been, about how tired I am of being constantly let down and my loss of desire to please him as I once did.

Jes' just confessed that he was upset about a dream that he had last night too. He dreamed that we passed each other in the garage at work like we've done time and time again. Only this time, he says I stopped to tell him that my boyfriend had commanded that I stop talking with him and delete all my guy friends from my cellphone. Now I know Jes is obsessed with me, but thats cool. See he knows that my hearts not available because its still in undeserving hands. Nonetheless our friendship will always be just that, a friendship. Apparently he subconsciously fears he'll lose that too.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

I Should

I dont know who I am,
who I am without you.
All I know is that I should.

~Missy Higgins; Where I stood~

Sunday, April 12, 2009

All or Nothing

I'm still working on interpreting the info supplied to me by SH. Could a comedian really have a clue? Combined with the book Ang gave me... all signs lead to a dead end. I cant possibly make it out of this shining. I've done nothing but stand around and wait. Waiting for days and weeks for some sign of hope and just when I think it finally comes, its gone just as quickly. Things were so much simpler when it was just about having fun. I realize now though that we'll never get back to those days nor do I wish to. Now that I see his full potential, I want it all or nothing at all.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Cutting the Strings

I just finished reading this book titled Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey. Apparently this book has caused an uproar amongst men and woman alike. Man are upset about SH advising woman to make men take care of them, while woman finally understand why men do the things they do.

The book goes on to say that no matter how wonderful a woman is, if a guy doesn't feel secure in his manhood he will not stay no matter the circumstances. He also goes on to argue that men don't love the same way us women do, that because of this its easier for them to stray away and have an affair. He also offers some advice in determining a mans intentions by giving examples of things a guy would say or do if he felt you were a keeper vs something he can string around.

While I have mixed feelings about his suggesting we make men take care of us, I do however agree when he suggests we applaud their efforts. A simple thank you can go a long way. If he's genuinely deserving of recognition, give it. If not... give it anyway. Soon enough he'll live up to that superman title.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009


Ok I know I haven't exactly been the most entertaining blogger. Dammit I'm probably the least with all my drama. Aside from my usual gloomy posts, I'm thrilled to announce the addition of two little miracles named Toby and Brianna. Ang plus two are doing quite well!

I had the wonderful experience of witnessing their birth and cant wait for all the milestones that'll follow.
Happy Birthday!!!

Sunday, April 05, 2009


I was helping Arriana with a project tonight in which she had to write about an influential family member. She was asked to complete a timeline of major events in my life. I thought it was pretty cool and id share it with you. After all, sharing is caring ;)

Born to Marlene Smith and Allen Flores in Flushing, NY.

My father became ill and my curiosity and willingness to
care for him sparked my interest in healthcare.

Became a mother to Arriana, 2 months before graduating high

Attended Kingsborough Community College.

Moved to Louisiana where I became an Army wife.

Added Gabby to our Goof troop.

Moved to Florida where I pursued a career as a Nurses
Assistant, aiding persons with terminal illness.

Shortly after separating from my marriage, I learned that my father
was becoming increasingly ill and opted to return to New York to care for

Made the transition from that of serving terminal patients, to
instead saving them as I became certified as an Emergency Medical

My father passed away suddenly following a brief illness.

... this is where I stopped. I cant go on any longer, not only because nothing noteworthy has really happened. But... I just lost interest.

Let me in

Sometimes all it takes is a simple question to leave you sitting here all night wondering... why'd you ask that?

Saturday, April 04, 2009

The CitiField Experience

I've looked forward to this day for many weeks, and while the excitement was kinda taken away suddenly yesterday I still looked forward to it. After all... it was the pre-game show that I was most excited about.

I purchased two seats in the new home of The Mets, Citifield, in hopes of sharing it with my MVP. At the last minute I had to replace him with a fan that only made it through 5 innings. Nonetheless my first experience of Citifield was quite pleasant. Had I arrived on time I wouldn't have had to deal with the parking nightmare, but well... you know me. Otherwise I'm soo loving the new home!

Thursday, March 26, 2009


While shopping for a birthday present for Arriana two weeks ago I joked to Mom that I'd get her and Arriana both a puppy. Reluctant at first, I decided to take a spur of the moment trip to the pound. Arriana's proved to be responsible enough now, and mom well... she needs the companionship. I've pondered the idea for quite sometime and knew exactly what to look for, a small breed that would enjoy being treated like a big baby.

I'll never forget the look on my daughters face when I met her afterschool and told her of our taking a trip to the pound. This is something she's wanted since we left our home in FL. Soo.... Off we went.

At the shelter we met several breeds, but seemingly all were suffering with some type of illness. Our timing was rather late, they had an adoption fair in the days prior when the local news channels were announcing their rescuing 200+ dogs from a puppy mill in Tennessee. The 20 something dogs that were left behind were not adopted because families didn't want sick dogs. Some dogs had seizure disorders, others diabetes and heartworm. One small shaking Dauschund however was simply underweight for no apparent reason and feared strangers and children. The Vet in fact insisted he not be adopted by someone whom has children in their household.

If you know me well enough, you know my feelings about doctors and their suggestions. So... I took the dog for a test run. First in the play yard with me, then mom and the kids. He did remarkable. He was coming home with us! Of course since the shelter was reluctant, we insisted he would live alone with granny.

He layed on the girls laps in the back seat, still shaking and scared but quickly warmed up to them when they shared potato chips with him. Alas they decided to name him Chip. When Chip arrived in the house he quickly became another dog. The quiet, timid dog turned to this wild animal chasing moms cat everywhere. Having no social experience and being afraid of people certainly proved to be a challenge for me. I knew somehow I needed to gain his trust before I could begin to train him.

Now, two weeks later, the same dog that was nearly euthanized simply because no one would give him a chance, is living happily ever after. I wonder now if this dog is somehow a sign. God loves throwing things like this in my direction to ponder.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Secret Revealed?

I've spent weeks struggling, trying figure it out. Why though I physically see you standing in front of me, I still don't quite see you there anymore. I think I get it now... Or maybe just a piece of it. I was browsing PostSecret and found someones secret that makes me wonder. Is this whats they've done to you?

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Purest of Pain

Ang... I cant believe you dont know Son By Four?! Here's the English version:

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I surrender

I don't know how or where... but somehow know you'll lead me there.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dont Forget

The girls and I enjoyed Camp Rock, which stars a talented young girl that I'd gladly let my kids admire, Demi Lovato. I just learned that she's released a new single and well... it struck a chord so I thought I'd post it. Hope you enjoy it too!

Demi Lovato - Don't Forget - Official Video (HQ)


Has every ER attending lost their mind? How can you comfortably put your life in the hands of a doctor that asks what you think he should do?!

I've fired my old doctor for the same reason, asking me for advice about my own and even other patients care. Doc... your the one with extensive education and experience. You make the decision!
Why not go with the usual routine: ECG, enzymes, and x-ray initially to rule out any acute coronary episode. If negative, lets check PT INR and D-Dimer for the presence of a thrombo-embolism. If all else fails... send me to CT and light me up like a glow worm.

So here I am radioactive, but happy to be home with my girls. Thank you Lord for another day!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Stock up

The only kinda love I need right now, requires AA batteries!

Guaranteed to never let me down... unless the batteries fail me of course.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Up to You

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Life's Lesson # 234:

When you fall off the bike, brush yourself off and try again.

Learning to ride a bike is alot like life. It scares the heck out of you, filling your head with thoughts of falling. If you don't give it a try however you'll never really know your full potential.

When Gabby fell yesterday while trying to learn to ride her "big girl" bike, it broke my heart. Although seeing my kids hurt probably does more damage to me than it does them, I knew I had to get her to try again. I wanna teach my daughters that its OK to fail. Sometimes despite our best effort, things still go wrong. If we learn to wipe away the dirt & tears and stay strong however, we'll do just fine.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Up to Me

"God determines who walks into your life.... its up to you to
decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Puro Dolor

I came across an old favorite song of mine. I really never related to the song, but still felt the strong emotion Angel Lopez put into it. He really is an awesome artist! Today though, It brought about a new meaning to me. I love it even more now.
I thought I'd share it with you briefly and as I searched youtube for a decent video. I remembered however just how many different variations there were to this song. There was the ballad, the salsa version as well as the English one. None however were as cool as my final choice.

Hope you enjoy!

Wednesday, March 04, 2009


Despite our efforts, somethings in life are beyond our control. I wake up every morning and thank God for another opportunity to share my love with my kids. When Arriana was born, I learned a new love. A love that couldn't be tarnished by anything the world may throw at me.

Next week my baby turns 12. Am I scared? Yes and no. I know I've given her everything she needs to grow into a responsible young lady. We still have our talks and for some reason she still thinks I'm cool. She has a relationship with me as strong, if not stronger, than the one I have with my mother. I pray that it remains that way always

So... where am I going with this?

I came to notice something else about her last night. My baby was on the phone with a guy friend (dare I call him a boyfriend) of hers for exactly 73 minutes yesterday. THAT scares the crap outta me! Boys are EVIL!!! LMAO

My baby's growing :(

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Give him all my love

The Fool

With a heart as full of love as mine, its hard to imagine the tough me on the streets of NYC. The white chick running into the bad neighborhoods when everyone's running away from the flying bullets. But that's just me... at work at least.

In my private life however I'm probably the softest of anyone you know. If I love you you'll know it. I'll admit I've made mistakes in my past, only caring about my own happiness, but I know better now. Or do I really?!

I feel like such a fool. You haven't called in weeks. You ignore my texts. You essentially are doing what I've done to others in the past. It was easier to ignore my problems than to deal with them. So you'd think I'd stop trying right?! Wrong. I stand here looking out the window hoping to see you even if just for a few seconds while you walk into the building. To know your alive and well. When my phone rings I run to it hoping its you. I lay in bed wondering if you paused for even one second to think of me.

I want so bad to go on with my life. I've never felt this way before and swore I'd never let it get to this. I'm absolutely certain I couldn't trust you with my heart. So why now does it lay in your hands?! I feel like such a fool.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

No Doubt

"Don't Speak"

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Goodbye With No Words

For many reasons, this is currently my favorite song. Tamia sings of someone whom still looks the same, but for some reason isn't the man she once knew. He's changed so much that she doesn't recognize him anymore.

"He would adore me, he wouldn't ignore me".

Two years ago I met someone that helped me more than he'll ever believe. We've been very close since then and rarely go days without talking. Now however It seems he's not the same man. The man that left the note on my car that morning. The only man that crashed down the walls I put up around me. Instead now, a stranger who stands in his place. And just as the song starts with... I dont understand.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Your belly's finally bigger than mine :P

I have many things to be thankful for. Amongst them are my two beautiful daughters, a loving family and best friends that mean the world to me. When any of them hurt, I hurt. When I hurt time and time again they come through for me, so it's only fair I return the favor.

I love you Ang. We'll make it through this, stay strong!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Fight or Fright

Imagine this for a moment if you will; As a child the very first time you caught a football, you knew you wanted to play for the NFL. You studied hard to stay on the team throughout High School. You continued on to College and helped make a name for yourself by excelling. Though the school isn't all that popular amongst the professional scouts your name however remains on their tongues.

You get an invite to the combine, which is essentially an audition to make a career out of playing football, and when you get there before anything else, they tell you you have no chance in making a career out of playing football. As it turns out, a physical exam reveals you have a heart valve defect. While the defect its self is not life threatening, it could nonetheless result in sudden cardiac arrest upon exertion, like playing football.

What do you do now? Do you give up on all your dreams or risk dying for what you love? Good luck with your decision Brian!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Not Me, Not Now

Ever see or hear something that makes you re-evaluate everything you've ever believed? Well about a year ago Ang gave me a particular book that advised; if a man really were into you, you'd certainly know it. He'd want you to know he was thinking about you and would call or at the very least send you a message every so often. The book was her attempt to help me see things for what they truly are and not assume it to be something its not.
It's no secret I've been burned in past relationships, because of that I suppose I keep my heart guarded. That doesn't mean it doesn't break...

If I wanted to go out and have a good time, believe me the opportunities are endless. Do I? No I don't. Its not just fun I'm after nowadays. I did however agree to a date with an ex co-worker the other night, to which I made him bring me to see the movie about the above referenced book. The movie shed some light on a few things for me. I've purposely kept certain people in my life knowing I can count on them, but haven't been giving them any of my time because its being consumed by someone who doesn't deserve it. I cry myself to sleep days and weeks before I finally hear from him. I now see though... He's probably just not that into me.

What else did I get from this movie? Well one character was telling that Myspace is the new booty call. I laughed and kinda agreed, noting to myself the need to delete my profile. Last night at 2Am I get a call from a friend of mine that I once confessed a sexual fantasy of mine to. He calls and wakes me up to ask for my address. Apparently he and a friend were on Myspace and came across my profile, to which the discussion of DP came about. They wanted to come and make my dreams come true. Thanks but no thanks guys, I'd rather be alone than to be another booty call. I love myself better than that now.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

...Just Don't Get It

 Why do we spend time adoring the ones who ignore us, and ignore the ones that adore us?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I'm a Dork

Think it would be corny if I bought myself flowers for Valentines day? I've been spammed by so many companies with some beautiful bouquet's. Not to mention going to CVS all week for things and walking through the Valentines day isle. I know it's torture and depresses the crap out of me, but I love reading the various cards they've got on display. I saw one in particular that I might go back for tomorrow. It really says more about how I feel than I ever could.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sad Sad Times

Nothing says I love you for Valentines day like the closure of two major hospitals in the area:

February 9, 2009
Effective 0001 hours, Tuesday, February 10, 2009, St. John’s Queens Hospital (H 39) is no longer an authorized 911 ambulance destination for PEDIATRIC patients. These patients shall be transported to an appropriate 911 ambulance destination.
Effective 0001 hours, Saturday, February 14, 2009, St. John’s Queens Hospital (H 39) is no longer an authorized 911 ambulance destination. As such, NO PATIENTS shall be transported to this hospital. Patients shall be transported to an appropriate 911 ambulance destination.
Affected EMS units shall familiarize themselves with this directive, and utilize alternate receiving facilities when transporting patients.
2.1 EMS OGP 115-08, Delivery of Patients to an Appropriate Hospital



February 9, 2009
Effective 0001 hours, Tuesday, February 10, 2009, Mary Immaculate Hospital (H 36) is no longer an authorized 911 ambulance destination for patients requiring Psychiatric care. These patients shall be transported to an appropriate 911 ambulance destination.
Effective 0001 hours, Saturday, February 14, 2009, Mary Immaculate Hospital (H 36) is no longer an authorized 911 ambulance destination. As such, NO PATIENTS shall be transported to this hospital. Patients shall be transported to an appropriate 911 ambulance destination.
Affected EMS units shall familiarize themselves with this directive, and utilize alternate receiving facilities when transporting patients.
2.1 EMS OGP 115-08, Delivery of Patients to an Appropriate Hospital



Now how do I react when not only my colleagues and I are affected by the closure, but my patients lives now too are being affected? If you live in S Queens and have a life threatening condition, God help you as you wait in line at the already over-burdened ER's that remain.

And from the Queens Chronical:

The two facilities provide healthcare to about 200,000 residents annually and employ 2,500 medical professionals and healthcare service workers.
A study by Marshall’s office in 2006 found that Queens is already lacking in services compared to other boroughs. Manhattan, with a population of 1.5 million, has 7.4 beds per 1,000 people. Queens, with a population of 2.3 million, has 1.4 beds per 1,000 people. That does not include the loss of the 250 beds following New Parkway Hospital’s closure in November.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Taking its toll

I wish I didnt worry as much as I do. I just wish I knew whats going on.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

I just dont get it. I guess I imagined it to be so different...

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Where Ya Been?

I'm sooo sorry. I know I've neglected my duties of updating the blogosphere on the chronicles of my so called life. Gheez I loved that show growing up...

Ok so since I cant decipher between which topic to roll with I'll opt for the bullet post once more.

  • Nicks back!!! I really hope things start getting better for him. It hurts me so much to see what he's been going through. Hopefully the flight back to NYC will be symbolic of his liberation from all that's been troubling him. Nonetheless I have the utmost confidence in his ability to overcome most anything thrown in his direction.

  • My being thrilled about his return was quickly clouted by a call from the DA's office yesterday. Apparently the DWI case was adjourned in light of their finding a new key witness, me. So the only way to convict this man, who so happens to live in my neighborhood, Is by my testifying that we did indeed witness him driving the vehicle he crashed. While all the phone calls and communication sure does make me feel wanted, I wish it would all just go away.

  • I'm supposed to go on vacation in 2 weeks and was hoping for a road trip. Lord knows I need to escape. However since I'm not sure If my legal dept will be successful in helping me out of this trial, I may be forced to cancel and do something local with the kids.

  • Lastly, I'm not regularly irregular any longer. While I don't expect you to understand what the heck that means, just know: I'm almost normal again :P

Monday, February 02, 2009

Gotta love this place

Think my job is safe from budget cuts? Think not!

NYC Mayor Bloomberg is proposing budget cuts that'll eliminate 30 EMT shifts and leave dozens of us without work. That's only a small piece however, of the proposed effort to bounce back NYC's tremendous budget deficit. He also wishes to cut the number of firefighters and police men responding to our cries for help.

Why not throw in the ever so stable career of public school teaching? We could possibly see 15,000 of them applying for unemployment along with us... Until they realize they've exhausted that benefit too. With that in mind apparently, he's decided it'll be necessary to increase the cities revenue, so we'll be seeing higher sales taxes now too.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Just for a Day

Just for a day I'd like to forget how much it hurts when the phone rings and your not there to answer. Just for a day, I'd like to forget how it tore me apart to hear you'd never again come home. Just for a day, I'd like to forgive myself for not protecting you. No more crying for you Dad, if only... just for a day.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

We Just Get It

I listen... but even without words, I hear you. Somehow helping you through your pain, brings about relief of my own. Helping you overcome depression too, somehow relieves my own.
You once told me God knew exactly what he was doing when he brought us together. I thank him everyday now for doing so.

I understand why your withdrawing, because I'm doing it too.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


Snow's fun to play in, but certainly not commuting. Unfortunately New Yorkers are stubborn and still try to go about their everyday business despite the hazardous road conditions.

That being said, there's a higher than usual need for superheros today and I'm being forced to put my cape on too.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Oh No not Again

6 days no snow, 6 days no slipping on my butt. 6 days without 911 calls for people that've induced massive MI's while shoveling the snow or others that've busted their butt's as I have.

Driving to work and seeing the dept of sanitation spreading salt on the roads though kinda makes me wonder. Do they know something I don't? I cant take another snow storm. Not now, wait till I'm in Florida next month... Please!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

S' Moore... YAY!

Friends fill a void in your heart. Help cleanse your soul and heal your wounds. Today I'm going to see a very special friend of mine that I'd consider a sister. My sister Moore.

One day God, quite literally, brought the wonder woman to my doorstep. In the months that followed we became inseparable as she even coached me through Gabby's birth. Looking back now, I went through some really tough times in Louisiana. Without her I doubt I'd be the strong person I am today. With my marriage slowly failing and nearly loosing my daughter, Michelle stood by me as our husband's were often away serving our country.

Being an Army wife isn't as glamorous as Lifetime makes it seem, but the bond that us spouses share is stronger than any I've come to know. Our time together seemed short lived, but I pray the ties between us will carry us forever.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

'Miracle on the Hudson'

God has a plan for every single one of us. Whether we choose to acknowledge it or ignore it is solely our choice. If you've ever doubted his will before then I seriously hope the events of US Airways Flight 1549 touched your heart and made you reconsider.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

No Thanks

Today's January 15th, the day I was supposed to meet with my academic counselor at BMCC to discuss my schedule for the spring semester. Instead, I'm skipping out. It's not what I want, just something I thought I'd feel comfortable doing.

I need to step out of this comfort zone and live my dreams. Stop making poor choices that make me happy today, and instead look towards tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


I'm not gonna give you the speech about how much I love music again. Instead just gonna post something a friend put me onto:

Someone - Musiq Soulchild

I never wanted a woman that wanted
Me for my name or material things
I always hope for a woman that's so sure, emotionally secure
With spiritual faith
A woman that I can trust with all of my secrets
And even listen to all of my issues
A woman who never judge
Me or how I was
She deals with me strictly through love

Someone who will put up with the things
Loving me can bring
But still be there to see us through
Someone who would put up
With the strange and complicated things
Cause I would do the same for her too
Someone who I can be real with
Aint gotta be perfect
Because loving one another is all that matters
It's not hard to explain
So believe me when I say
That I found all of that in you

All that I hope for a friendship that's so pure
A girl I can talk to bout whatever is on my heart
A woman that needs me
That trust and believes me
That wont take my kindness as some kind of weakness
A woman who bares her soul who is willing to let go
That wants me to lead her but knows how to take control
And when I am feeling down
Cause things are going wrong
She fills me up and makes me feel strong


You are that someone who loves me
Through all my inperfections
You know my heart is filled with nothing but good intentions
You are the one that told me
Long as we got us
Nothing matters
You are the one that sees the joy through the pain
You are my light through the rain
Here and now
Girl I am saying
It's you
You're my heart
It's you
Your that someone I can truly say that I'll never find another love like you

Repeat Chorus Til End...

Monday, January 12, 2009

Hero's Have Heart

So I'm sitting here chatting with my buddy Roman, when he sends me some pics of him in Iraq. I've got the tough guy poses and his flirty ones that drive his myspace chicks crazy... but then he sent me one that made me cry. It didnt scare me, but it made me realize... he really is my hero. I love you man!

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
A part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay
~Jordan Hill: Remember me this way.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

New Years Clout

Starting a new year is supposed to be a exciting right? Well for me its complicated by my bad-luck-month of January. For as far back as I can remember something has always happened in the month of January to clout my New Years joy. My earliest memory is from losing my friend in a tragic accident in junior high.

In the many years that followed I'd lose numerous friends and loved ones all in the month of January. In fact, I left my cheating husband... in the month of January.

So here we are just 11 days into the month, and how am I doing? Well I think I pissed off Nick or something cause I'm just not feeling the love right now. I've had to calm my hysterical co-worker and explain why some people just don't want to be saved as we chat over our first DOA of the new year. I've learned that I've lost another co-worker who suffered a massive heart attack while on scene tending to persons injured in an MVA. And lastly I've learned that my daughters coach recently succumbed as well.

Can you comprehend now, why I view this month from inside a foxhole?!

Thursday, January 08, 2009


All I want is something real, that I can feel.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Ahh Choo

There's one major downfall to working with sick people. They share their germs!

So here I lay in bed for 2 days now, drugged up and miserable. I make some pretty awesome homemade chicken noodle soup, but cant make it for myself. The girls love my soup and would obviously want some, but I'm afraid of passing on my germs... ugh. I need a man!