Monday, July 31, 2006

265 Where are You?

I did somethings last night that I haven't done in a very long time. I went out on the road with my buddy. Why the supervisors felt secure about sending two nut jobs out on an ambulance together to save the day, is beyond me :) Sunday morning after working all night together, we casually mentioned how we should go out on the road together. I really missed being out there. Call me crazy but the manual labor that comes with the job is far more rewarding than sitting on my ass all day in the office. I just hoped no one had any plans to go into cardiac arrest last night, being that given our history together we'd be sound asleep.

I also got to do something else I haven't done before... I drove the beast! See technically I shouldn't have, considering I'm not yet qualified. However she was more worried about crashing and parking that thing than getting in trouble for letting me drive. All together it was a very good night. What made the night most memorable was the pit stop we made in between calls, but I'll spare the details of that for the day I decide to blog about my personal drama.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Another (action-less) Movie Night

Well... last night went pretty well I suppose. Ray and I went to the movies again, however our night was cut short when his family called and asked him to baby-sit. Once again we sat in front of his apartment for over an hour. To my surprise we didn't kiss tonight either. Maybe it has to do with the fact that his mother was pulling up in her car as we were saying our good bye's. After I left however I couldn't help but feel this uncontrollable urge to go back to his house on a code one and plant one on him. Call me crazy, or a hopeless romantic, but I'd like for our first kiss to be special. Hopefully I'll be blogging about it soon!

Hard not to be loyal?

I've been doing some serious thinking about Eddie the mechanic. See apparently he's been doing some thinking of me too. I cant help but feel guilty for talking with him tough. Although Ray and I are dating, he's mentioned in the beginning of our relationship that he isn't looking for a relationship right now. That he's only looking for someone to go out and have a good time. I doubt that there's anyone else in the picture. We speak all day, everyday. I think he's afraid to open his heart due to his history with his ex. So... my question is would it be ok to agree to go out with Eddie too?

I'm afraid that if I do, that given my history with men, I may fall for both and not be able to say good bye to either. I don't want to hurt anyone, but both men have great personalities and I would enjoy seeing each one. I have so many people to please and keep happy right now, would I really be able to juggle two men? Would I be able to let one go if I were to get serious with the other?
*Sigh*... this dating stuff sucks!

Friday, July 28, 2006

Go Me, Go Me!

Apparently kicking my ass at the gym is paying off. Today I went to get the tires replaced on my car from the incident the other night. The guy at the shop actually caught me off guard and beat me at my own game. He initiated the flirts and in the end I got a great deal in exchange for giving up my telephone number. He seems to be a pretty nice guy, and sorta balances out what Ray lacks... the courage to try to kiss me. Of course I didn't let him touch these sensual lips of mine. I don't share them with just any hot Latin car mechanic... No matter how tempting.

Then after finally escaping the yard, I was on a high. I decided to go shopping briefly down the street. Where I was approached by yet another guy. This time however I brushed him off. I already have enough drama to add another person to avoid on my caller id.

So... What I don't understand is why the sudden attention? Ok maybe because I don't get out alone very often, but I couldn't help but feel the least bit attractive today. I was wearing my sweat pants and a t-shirt, with flip flops, hair in a pony tail with no make up what so ever. How could anyone possibly find me attractive like that? Maybe I should show him what I look like when I shower!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Another Scar

Why does life always seem so complicated?

Last night I cut my blogging short because my brother was calling me telling me that my mother was drunk... again. Not so out of the ordinary considering her past. However this time she was acting out trying to attract even more attention. Why she does this shit is beyond me. I could never go into the mind of an alcoholic. What I can do is take my kids out of the equation.

I try my hardest to provide my kids with a stable atmosphere, and there's always some damn ass hole that has to fuck things up. Their dad decided to leave us and has yet to realize just how much its affected them. I lost everything that I fought so hard to get. I had what I believed to be the perfect life. The house, two cars, and a happy family. Obviously It wasn't his dream though....

So two years ago we packed up and came to NYC to be with my family. I could no longer care for the kids alone. I came for the financial and emotional support, but I cant help but feel even more overwhelmed right now. My mother is an alcoholic who is supposed to be caring for my disabled father. She works days and I, nights. He's always got someone home if he should need it. Sounds like a great plan? Yea except mom is always drunk when it's her turn to care for him and watch my kids so I can go to work. WTF? Then to top it all off, she now spends all her earnings from work on her "habits". She spends a good $50-60 a day on alcohol, lotto and cigarettes. I'm working my ass of to pay to feed a family of 7 now, while she's wasting her life away. It's just not fair.

So last night, instead of scooping her off the floor and carrying her to bed, I decided to try a new approach. I grabbed the kids at 10 pm and told her that I refused to let my kids grow up like I did, with a drunk! I hope this approach helps.

But wait, this is my life we're talking about. So... It gets better. I drove to my fav spot just under the bridge and stared out to sea. When I finally decided to go back home, I avoided the construction on the highway and took the dark service road instead. A road that was full of pot holes. SO... Of course I hit one and got a flat tire. No problem, I've changed them before. Except the damn locking mechanism that holds the spare in place wouldn't open. I was stuck there for over three hours waiting for someone to help me. I finally got home at 330 am and have been silent about the whole event. The one person I wished I could call, mom, was too drunk to help. Give me a few more days of this bullshit and I'm sure I'll sink into a deep depression.

Monday, July 24, 2006

I've tried staying away from blogging for a week now. I wanted to see if I could possibly think of something worth while to write that didnt have anything to do with my personal drama. I had so many thoughts come into my head, and by the time I sat down to blog about them, I couldn't remember any of it.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Another Hot Day

Ok...I took a break from blogging, mainly because I find that I blog way too much about my personal life and think it's probably boring the hell out of anyone else who casually comes across my site. But oh well.. This is my life!
I started this whole blogging thing as a way to vent my own emotions. Not to entertain anyone else...

So here I go....

I spoke with Ray about the whole Boston trip. Apparently what I was told was something completely different. Ray wasn't going to Boston for anything other than visiting his sister and family. Although his Ex does in fact live in Boston, he had no intentions of re-kindling their relationship. Apparently all he seems to talk about is me and our friend Angie was jealous. She's over it now and says we make her sick, lol. Im glad we cleared things up with that. I cant help but wear a kool-aide smile all day myself. No matter what happens with this relationship, the one thing that I'll be most proud about, Is the fact that I never sold myself as something I wasn't. I'm just being me and hopefully I don't drive anyone into the 'G' bldg (Brooklyn Psych hosp) again.

Ok. I'm off to the pool again. Another HOT day in the city!

Stay cool! Have a Good Day!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Where's That Pint of Rocky Road I had Stashed?

I cant help but feel like such an ass right now. Why does it hurt so bad? I find myself doing something today that I haven't in a very long time, crying. See my Ray of Sunshine, has a few clouds that he neglected to share with me. I find myself here in the middle of his storm, hating myself for allowing this to happen again. See this same mutual friend that hooked me up, just casually mentioned that his family trip to Boston this weekend was also an attempt to rekindle things with his ex. WTF? He never told me about any drama while I was busy falling face first again. And WTF did Angie feel it was ok to hook us up knowing this shit?

Now here I am balling my eyes out once again, hating myself for being so naive to believe what a guy tells me. For not holding back and falling face first into the pile of shit layed in front of me. I cant help but wonder, where the hell did I go wrong to deserve this shit? Why cant people just be honest, and stop messing with my emotions. Is this what living life is really supposed to be about?

I'm contemplating going back through my blog and deleting all of the thoughts that I've had of any guys since I began this therapy session. Maybe that'll be a good place to start. Fucking wipe the slate clean and forget about all these assholes that have each taken away a bit of me emotionally.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Oops who was I mad at again?

I missed FOAD Thursday but that's because I was too busy feeling like a giddy ole kid and forgot all about what was bothering me earlier in the week. The Ray has been my ray of sunshine. He heard I was feeling down and also just so happened to need someone to chat with. I don't know what it is about this one, perhaps the way we met through a mutual friend. I was initially attracted to his personality and great sense of humor. Thanks to myspace we've been exchanging some pretty funny stuff. Then the day came when we finally decided we needed to meet each other and hear each others voices.

Well that was last night, all of last night as a matter of fact and it continued through most of the day as well. The Ray has all the qualities I've known to appreciate in a friend. I've also made the decision to stop treating myself like I couldn't handle a relationship right now. I've had this attitude with men lately and just didn't want to be bothered with all the details and complications of a relationship. In light of some recent feelings, I've decided to stop fighting it and jump right into the pool of dating again, of course I'll do the cannon ball jump... gotta have fun :)

I will not fear love anymore. I want to live life to the fullest and not hold back anymore. I'm a firm believer in the theory that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all. For we cannot have truly lived, unless we gave it our all.
K... I'm off to return some well overdue phone calls. Have a Great Weekend!!!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Stay or Go?

I've been doing some serious searching this week. Digging deep into my head and wondering what the future may hold for me. The past few years haven't been the easiest to say the least. I know deep down inside that I haven't wanted to be in a relationship and have subconsciously sabotaged every last one, fearing love. I have a love that burns deep inside for my kids. I would do anything for them, even if at the cost of my own personal happiness.

See, when I made the decision to come back to NY two years ago shortly after splitting with their dad, I insisted that it would only be a temporary set back. I loved life down south, and always wanted to raise them down there. When I found it hard to make it on my own and was falling behind both financially as well as emotionally, I decided to come home to NY for a bit. My parents have been a true blessing and for them I'll always be grateful.

Up until a few weeks ago, I had intentions of going back to FL when I felt the time was right. I didn't want to be with the ex husband anymore, but still loved him enough to allow him to see the kids. He may not be supporting them financially, but he'll always be their dad, no matter what happens between us. Do I love him? Absolutely. But I refuse to allow him to walk all over me anymore.

Reflecting on the two years that we've been here. I've gone to class to become an EMT, which I could do in FL. I've transferred to dispatch with the intentions of using the training for the offer I've already received to come back to the sheriffs department for a increase in salary. I've done everything but search for a house. I truly wanted to go back, and I was using the opportunities I had here in NY to better myself and advance myself to allow for a better life when I was ready to make the choice to come back.

Then a few weeks ago, my oldest daughter saw me online looking at houses. That's when she shared her own feelings. She says she doesn't want to go back to FL. That she wants to stay here with Grandma and Grandpa. This shattered my heart. Not only because she too had made the decision to look down upon her fathers choice to abandon his obligations, but because at that very moment I'd realized that I've been neglecting her too. All of the trips to amusement parks, the weekend get-aways, trips to the toy stores... They were all my own way of buying her love and avoiding discussing own feelings and aspirations.

I'll do anything for my kids. Including taking them to FL to see their dad next month. But I cant help but wonder. With me being very un happy with my current status in life, If I could avoid the depressing feelings that come along with these visits to my old friends and family. I know this time around I could technically make it happen. I could get that house, land that job, and they could return to their old schools. I'm finally ready to make the decision. I could only hope that my little angels step in and help me make the right decision. Whether to stay or go...

Man I've Got Red Cheeks

Apparently I've still got that good ole' touch. See my FOAD request to the 'MAN' actually caused him some sort of misery this week. He's in bed sick! Good for you ya damn ass... Don't mess with this chick!

Now if only I could figure out how the hell I got sun burn on my ass... Its really kinda funny looking.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Living it Up

Ok so I didn't exactly have the great weekend I'd planned. But I did have a good time anyway. I've made a few cool friends that have kept me busy and fed my wacky humor.
I don't care anymore that I'm still single and cant seem to find a decent guy. I'm having fun! If someone happens to come into my life, then great but until then, I'm going to enjoy life and live it to the fullest.

I'll save the details of who screwed up my weekend plans for FOAD Thursday!

Friday, July 07, 2006

Out with the Old, In with the New

I was driving home today from BigDawg's house and chatting with my mom about my love life. See it seems she liked BigDawg. Well she seems to like most of the guys I bring home so her opinion really doesn't hold much power. However she mentioned how much she thinks my kids liked BigDawg too. I know that they did, I wanted them to. But when our relationship turned from just friends to him wanting more... well that's when I lost it and things went from bad to worse. Maybe after the conversation that I had with him today, we could possibly patch things up between us and still hang out every so often.

Ok now on to some great news. There's this guy that I've had my eyes on for a while. He's had my heart in his hands for a while but we never took it anywhere because he was in a relationship. What I like most about him, is the fact that he was honest from the beginning. He told me that he was in a relationship and although it was in the early stages, he still felt he needed to tell me before I got the wrong idea. Wow.. A guy with a conscience and morals? Does it get any better? YES!!! He's cute, funny, is surprisingly good with kids and now SINGLE. Oh yeah, I had to jump on this one. Here's a good guy that I cannot let slip away. So after some really hot talk last night and again tonight, we've decided to give the real thing a try this weekend. Cant wait to blog about this one....

63 to Guam MAN

I have a very special FOAD Thursday although a few hours late. But oh well at least its remotely close. I wanna send my Fuck Off And Die request to the shit head medic at work that cant think with anything other than his dick. Sorry "Man" I need a little more than you have to offer, and I will not allow myself to be involved with a "playa". So you can go FOAD and oh yeah 63 to Guam!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


I feel like shit!!! I've been feeling like crap for a few days now. I know that colds usually start with the sore throat so I was preparing myself and fighting it all weekend. I drank tea until I could drink no more, got enough rest and kept my spirits up. I did all of my own remedies, that is except for make myself my famous chicken noodle soup. Now I get home this morning after work, and crawl into bed for a brief nap before I sent the girls off to the babysitter. Not even an hour later I woke up in severe pain. It feels like someone shot me in the damn head. I think I've got a bacterial infection that's spread into my ear. Damn me for laughing at that Russian calling an ambulance for the ear ache last night. I should've known better....

Now here I am crying in pain. This is so not F*cking fair. Not only does my ear hurt like hell, but I've lost some hearing too which makes this even more fun.
k, the meds are kicking in... Maybe I'll get some ZZZZZZZZZ after all.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy 4th...

I was gonna be lazy and just leave that quick pretty picture wishing you a happy 4th. However thanks to a great post from WD I've been inspired to leave a bit more. See on the 4th of July many Americans gather together with friends and loved ones, often BBQ'ing and drinking. When the sun goes down the skies are filled with firework displays. However for the most loyal of us Americans, their skies are filled with the bright flash of mortars flying over head.

Tonight just like every night for the past few months, they'll defend our freedom.

They'll kneel down and say a prayer before going to formation at 5am. They'll dodge enemy fire and bombs in defense of our great nation. Some may not agree with the cause, but don't question why... They're just following orders.

I know all too well what its like to have them not come home the same way they left. But in my case they did at the very least come home, some didn't even get that...

So tonight when you watch that great light show in the sky... Take a moment to see those flashes in their eyes.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Elmo and Oral Intake

Yesterday I took the girls and their girl scout troop to Sesame Place which was very exciting. I don't know who enjoys that place more, me or the kids. Although at that point I had already been awake for some 36 hours, I still stayed on top of my toes and under the water. What made this time extra special was the fact that now Gabby's old enough to go on the "big girl slides" without riding along with me. Now if only I could get my kids to gain enough courage to go on the coasters with me too.
Needless to say, last night after coming back from the long day in the sun, I was exhausted. But yet still needed to work. Thank god nothing major happened last night, cause I was working on half a brain minus 48 hours of sleep.
Now what usually happens after those marathons? I get sick! I woke up this afternoon feeling like crap. My throat is sore as hell and I just felt, well... yucky! Tonight I wanted so bad to take advantage of my night off and finally go meet the new guy in person for some much talked about action. I don't know why, but as much as I fight it, I cant get this guy out of my mind. I don't wanna fall head first again, but I don't want to seem like I'm being too distant either. Well... tonight when he called, he asked what I as up to and I explained that I was sick in bed tonight. I was expecting the usual, the "I'm just a guy, I don't care" attitude. However, I didn't get that. Instead I got a bit of our usual talks in addition to some instructions from my new favorite medic. Advising me of what I need and what I should take orally. ;)
But seriously... He sincerely cares. Our conversation was even followed up by an email wishing me well.

So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank him very much. Since it appears he's a keeper, I'm going to spend some of my time in bed thinking of a rather cool name for him on my blog.