Another Scar

Why does life always seem so complicated?

Last night I cut my blogging short because my brother was calling me telling me that my mother was drunk... again. Not so out of the ordinary considering her past. However this time she was acting out trying to attract even more attention. Why she does this shit is beyond me. I could never go into the mind of an alcoholic. What I can do is take my kids out of the equation.

I try my hardest to provide my kids with a stable atmosphere, and there's always some damn ass hole that has to fuck things up. Their dad decided to leave us and has yet to realize just how much its affected them. I lost everything that I fought so hard to get. I had what I believed to be the perfect life. The house, two cars, and a happy family. Obviously It wasn't his dream though....

So two years ago we packed up and came to NYC to be with my family. I could no longer care for the kids alone. I came for the financial and emotional support, but I cant help but feel even more overwhelmed right now. My mother is an alcoholic who is supposed to be caring for my disabled father. She works days and I, nights. He's always got someone home if he should need it. Sounds like a great plan? Yea except mom is always drunk when it's her turn to care for him and watch my kids so I can go to work. WTF? Then to top it all off, she now spends all her earnings from work on her "habits". She spends a good $50-60 a day on alcohol, lotto and cigarettes. I'm working my ass of to pay to feed a family of 7 now, while she's wasting her life away. It's just not fair.

So last night, instead of scooping her off the floor and carrying her to bed, I decided to try a new approach. I grabbed the kids at 10 pm and told her that I refused to let my kids grow up like I did, with a drunk! I hope this approach helps.

But wait, this is my life we're talking about. So... It gets better. I drove to my fav spot just under the bridge and stared out to sea. When I finally decided to go back home, I avoided the construction on the highway and took the dark service road instead. A road that was full of pot holes. SO... Of course I hit one and got a flat tire. No problem, I've changed them before. Except the damn locking mechanism that holds the spare in place wouldn't open. I was stuck there for over three hours waiting for someone to help me. I finally got home at 330 am and have been silent about the whole event. The one person I wished I could call, mom, was too drunk to help. Give me a few more days of this bullshit and I'm sure I'll sink into a deep depression.