Monday, February 26, 2007

I'm Sorry!

Sorry Its been a while, but I've been in and out of the hospital the past few weeks and well its hard enough to get a decent phone at my bedside, yet alone Internet access. But I'm back. This whole situation has really began to take its toll on me.

I've never told anyone this, but growing up in a large family, I used to struggle for the attention of my parents. I did just about anything to get a few minutes of their time. I can even remember this one time I faked a fall and had my mom rush me to the ER. Much to my own surprise they actually diagnosed me with a broken wrist and set my arm in a cast. From broken bones to accepting winning medals without my own loud family members in the audience, I've always struggled with feeling un-important. I can remember learning about illnesses and wishing I had a brief one that would turn the focus on myself.

Now however, I find the exact opposite. Now that I really am sick, all I can do is cry. Cry for the family I have to call to tell that mommy's not coming home tonight because the doctors aren't so sure I'm stable to go home. Cry for the overwhelming pain that I endure every minute of every hour. The feeling of my heart burning from working too hard for the past few weeks. The painful injections that I have to give myself. The feeling of not being able to fall asleep because the cardiac monitor keeps alarming that my heart rate has dropped below 45. And finally the fear...Fear that one night I may close my eyes and never wake up. That my kids would be forced to go back to live with their father in FL and that my own messed up problems have been the cause for pain and worry in other peoples lives too.

For all that I've put everyone through, for all this and more... I'm sorry!

Monday, February 19, 2007

My 100th

This is probably going to be the most emotional post of all so If you cant take it, please leave now. This being my 100th post and all, I've decided to go all out and stuff.

On Friday I finally had the EPS/RFA to repair the malfunction in my heart. Theoretically, the method is a rather radical procedure intended to cure the problem with some major risks. A few being the risk of damaging the AV node thus requiring an pacemaker, the risk of the tachycardia's over working my tender heart, and well... the risk of perforating the heart muscle it's self. Either way, these risks were minor compared to the risk of not doing anything about the problem. See, the form of Tachycardia I had causes these sudden rapid heart rhythms as well as sudden heart failure. If you ask me, the treatment was the only option. Even with a lifetime of meds, I'd be uncertain if my life came to an abrupt stop.

Now lets fast forward to the part where I'm lying on the cath lab table surrounded by the best of the best in cardiology (well, at least Brooklyn's best) whom have all taken a special interest in this 27 yr old single mother who spends her life saving others. This time it was time to save her own. As they place the catheters in not one but both of her femoral arteries, that would make their way to her heart, she didn't moan despite only given a mild sedative. Instead she couldn't help but hold back tears. Not for the pain she now feels, but instead for the pain it would cause her two beautiful daughters if mommy never came home.

Suddenly she feels short of breath. They've passed electrodes into the area suspected of causing her troubles, and the nurse makes the announcement that "she's in Tachycardia with a pulse of 180". Amazed at how quickly they've been able to locate it, they pierce her groin once again with the ablation tool that will make its way to the spot and zap it. Only, it doesn't work. As she lets out a moan, they try again... it works. Her heart rate returns to normal and she says she's feeling ok. How else should she answer?! They need to be sure they were successful, so the doctor passes more electrodes, which are followed up by even larger tachycardia's. At this point she's starting to feel the little hope she had left literally drip away with the blood running down her thigh. With every burn she feels as if a piece of her heart is being ripped apart inside of her.

As she focuses her attention on the ceiling panel above the nurse whom placed the pads on her chest to defibrulate or jump start her heart should she have a sudden cardiac arrest, all she could think about was whatshe's already made it through in her short life. As a young child she nearly lost her dad. Although he's here in spirit, he's not exactly here in body. When most girls her age were preparing for Jr High and boys, she was giving up her favorite sports to stay home and make sure dad was taken care of. Becoming a teen mom was even more tough, but she made it work and saw new meaning in life. Her daughter's smile filled any need that she could've possibly had and well, nothing else mattered.

When she decided to move off and get married she still was thinking with her daughter's best interest at mind. Always sacrificing her own needs for those of her family. Just when she felt she couldn't possibly have anymore love to give, she nearly dies bringing life to yet another beautiful daughter. (The nurse shouts "she's tachy again @ 220"and she finds it harder and harder to breath) The next year was filled with grief as she loses several military friends to the war on terror. But when she had to breath life into the lungs of her baby girl who'd suddenly stopped breathing she then began to cry out. If God supposedly doesn't lay any more on your shoulders than you can carry, why did she deserve to carry such a large load?

The following years weren't much better off, after her husband nearly died, the military decides to discharge him and they mutually agree to move to FL. There they attempt to live the American dream. Just when all seems to be going well, it once again falls apart. Shortly thereafter, her husband has walked out on her and the kids. She doesn't earn enough to carry the household alone. She loses her house, her car and most importantly her pride and self worth as she packs up what little she was able to salvage and moves back to NY.

Lately she's tried ignoring her problems, hoping that maybe, just maybe they'll disappear. Until one day she realizes that everything she's worked so hard for, meant nothing compared to seeing the smile on the faces of her two beautiful little girls. That's when she knew she'd make it through. She'd go through it all over again God, If you just let her go back home to those two little girls.

At that very moment the Dr interrupted her thoughts as he withdrew the catheters. Saying, "well Lisa, I think we finally got it. It took several tries, but I think you'll never have to worry again".

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I've been tagged


It's probably not a good idea to play with dog's, but oh well I find him very interesting and doggy style just so happens to be my favorite. So here I go:

The game: Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tag backs!

So here it is...

1) I like filling in these crazy surveys.
2) I can still sing all the songs from the Little mermaid with my five year old.
3) I crank up the music and dance around my room naked every morning after getting out of the shower.
4) I live in a second floor apartment with a nice view of my bedroom from the street.
5) I'm a friggin magnet to married jerks that wanna have a good time.
6) I swim all year round, and still hate drying my hair.
7) I have a broken heart, seriously.
8) I like peanut butter and fluff or banana sandwiches.
9) I get along quite well with my pysch patients.
10) I used to wipe asses for a living. Hey, FL nursing homes are always looking for some good CNA's.

Now, I'm not gonna tag anyone because well... thankfully I've been able to keep this blog a secret. For the most part many people have accidentally stumbled upon my blog, after correcting themselves they don't usually come back. C'mon this is my life, it doesn't get much boring than this so who can blame them for not coming back.

But for those who do actually care to read, you'll wanna tune in for my 100th blog tomorrow. I promise to make it special and if I'm really daring, I'll make a special mention of the guys in my life and why I love 'em all. But only, only if I have enough of my aphrodisiac...Chocolate baby!!!!

Monday, February 12, 2007

Oops, I'm Blabbing Again

Oops. I didn't think I'd actually win when I played around on Ebay earlier today. I decided to play with some of the numbers on a pretty decent looking car just to see where they (the seller) placed the reserve price. So I typed in $1000. Then bam, I was the highest bidder and had met the reserve price. I've never won an auction so easily before. Seriously, every time I go on Ebay to bid on something, someone at the last minute out bids me. It's very rare that I actually win something I really didn't mean to. But oh well, I still think its a pretty good deal regardless. I'll have to let you know once I actually see it in person.

Next, my damn hormones must be raging this month. My boobs are seriously sore. C'mon Doc cant you see how much more harm than good abstinence is doing for me?! My ticker just needs a good workout, or... well since I work for a private company, maybe I could hire a medic to be on standby. Ya know... just in case, LOL! ***sigh***

A girl can dream cant she. Speaking of dreaming. I've had a few more of mention. One was of another co-worker whom I think quite fondly of, we were both on the road transporting a psych patient when all of a sudden the Dr decided to admit me. Thankfully not for psych reasons but instead for cardiac complications. Which has me thinking. Will I be able to live a normal life after all of this? If the ablation procedure goes well, if should rid me of my current problem, but that doesn't ensure that another (second circuit) wouldn't occur in the future. I may not admit it right now, but I'm pretty damn worried. Not for me, but mostly for the kids. If something were to happen to me, they'd likely have to return to their father in FL. I don't wanna compare my shit to Ana Nicole, but it makes me think and worry even more.

If I were to die, they'd likely be forced to leave their family here in NY and live with their father and his trailer park trash girlfriend. Seriously, my mom's no Carol Brady and I couldn't expect her to care for both my sick dad and the girls. Don't get me wrong she loves the girls, but she'd undoubtedly have problems giving up lifetime and Budweiser for bowling leagues and swimming practice.

Ok, I'm gonna shut up now and get my ass in the shower and ready for bed. My sugar daddy will be her bright and early in the morning to take me to work. Later's!!!

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Finally...I'm Worth Saving

Ok, it's finally been figured out. I'm scheduled for my EP study & ablation procedure for next friday. I've also got an excuse to get out of jury duty too, hopefully It'll work otherwise I'll be in big trouble.

Well I still don't have a car. I haven't decided if I wanna bother putting another transmission in my current one, or reward myself with a new car after going through all the BS that I have lately. We'll see. Its probably best that I don't drive right now anyway. My doctors want me in bed all day waiting like a good patient should for my damn HMO to decide I'm worth saving. So much for that idea. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm not doing anything strenuous or anything, I'm just not laying in bed all day watching Maury and Jerry Springer. Seriously, I sit on my ass all day at work anyway, and if I begin to feel sick, I do whatever I need to calm down. Hey... worse case scenario, I'm in an office filled with some damn good EMT's and Medics. I'm probably better off at work than at home, so there :-P

Sunday, February 04, 2007


I feel so violated... They made me switch to the new blogger! I hope this doesn't make it any more difficult. Hey maybe I'll actually take some time to spruce things up on my layout. Very unlikely, but hey, I'm a dreamer.

Anyways, today my friend is a rather special day for us good ole Americans. See today is Superbowl Sunday. The showdown between the two top performing teams of the National Football league, oh and the day we get to watch some deliciously large men dressed in very tight (usually white) pants, with the camera's positioned just right for all of us sexually crazed ladies as myself. Now don't go jumping down my throat and all, If you've been a faithful reader, you'd see I get sidetracked rather easily. K?!

So moving right along, the Superbowl is as much a tradition in my house as... well, almost as much as Thanksgiving. Except I usually get to spend the evening with my daddy watching the game rather than hours in the kitchen. Of course daddy really has no idea what my real interest in watching the game is, but we always get a good laugh at the awesome commercials that are displayed. Some father daughter bonding time. Half time used to be rather enjoyable too, until a few years ago when Justin and Janet gave the world a good show. Since the nipple incident, they've been rather careful. I wonder what this years show will be like?! My giants aren't in the game this year, so I really don't care who wins. I'm just in it for the show!

Hope you enjoy it too!
'nuff said!

Friday, February 02, 2007

FOAD Take 2

Yes I know its Friday, I don't care. I'm not done with the bitching. So lets move along, shall we?

Today was the day was to have my Catheter Ablation procedure to locate and zap the damn malfunction in my heart. However in today's world, hospitals are business' that need to ensure payment before they can authorize a doctor to perform a procedure that cost tens of thousands of dollars. So My next FOAD goes out to those special people at my HIP HMO insurance company.

My PCP had to squeeze in an appointment for me to get authorization from him for the procedure, but then the insurance company changed the game plan on me. Now, hospital A treated me, but cannot perform the actual procedure within their hospital because their cath lab is closed for renovations. So hospital A, has decided to send me to their sister hospital, we'll call hospital B. Now since the procedure will be done at a different hospital, a different hospital provider Id number must be authorized and billed. In order for hospital B to receive payment, a new prior approval must be issued from my insurance company. To do this, we must waste more of my time and everyone else's time, by making me physically see said Dr first. Even though he's already been involved in my care at hospital A, he is now represented and paid by hospital B, who wants to in turn get paid too. So my biggest FOAD goes to the lovely people at HIP insurance co. who put patient care last. They don't consider the risk of sudden heart failure an emergency... Hey does that mean they want me to FOAD?

Ok, next I wanna take some time to bitch s'more about crack head. I no longer need to worry about squeezing in time on weekends for some adult companionship. See Crack Head has just taken a second job. I know the reason behind it, but I don't give a damn about the future. I care about today. When I need someone to hold me and make me feel better about all the shit I'm going through today, you wont be there. When I need someone to make me laugh and forget about all the pain, your once again... not there. So why should I stick around? I'm not!

Ok I just deleted a good 20 minutes of writing from what would've been the next paragraph... because well, I'm not ready to admit somethings to myself. Maybe another time. I'm gonna go slip into something a bit more comfortable, make some awesome hot cocoa and cuddle up on my sofa with a nice non-G-rated movie.
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Thursday, February 01, 2007

Yup, Yup, Its Finally Here!!!

Ok boys and girls, the moment we've all been waiting for has finally arrived. It's FOAD Thursday!!

Now who shall we victimize first? Well lets start with the Ex who I'd like to believe caused this whole shit with my heart last week. See shit head called me bright and early in the morning on Friday. Apparently FL courts are coming down hard on him for his lack of responsibility. He's very far behind on his child support payments and has till march 2 to appear in court with a valid excuse. The only problem is, he doesn't have one. Just like last year and the year before, he calls pleading with me to allow him to claim the kids on his taxes so that he'll get a large sum of money back and try to catch up to the thousands of dollars he owes. Why the hell would I let him do that? Take money from our pocket to forgive a debt that you owe my children? Have the children pay your bill? Fuck no! So to you Richie, FOAD!

Ahhh... I'm starting to feel better already.

Next while we're on the topic of Ex's. I'll take a stab at crack head. I give him the title crack head because he's taking all this shit to try and build up muscle to look like some huge Puerto Rican hulk. Seriously C'mon guys. We don't like that shit. I like my men large, having the ability to have me up against the wall is a big plus, but the other side affects of the crack/ anabolics that you jockeys use prevent you from doing shit with the one muscle I wanna utilize. Oh and lets not forget skipping out on visiting me in the hospital because you had to go to the fucking gym. For that, I absolutely can not and never will forgive you. Seriously though, if this is what you'd consider "trying to make things right again", then I don't wanna see what its like to be neglected. So to the Big Crack Head, FOAD! ... Maybe I'll take the D back, gabby thinks your kinda funny. So for only you, I'll settle for a big FO!

Next is the nasty ass nurse on the telemetry floor that jumped down my throat for having a cell phone on the cardiac floor. Yes I know that we're not supposed to have 'em, yes I know that it'll interfere with my telemetry box, and yes I know I was in possession of one, but C'mon. This is 2007, who the hell knows people's phone numbers off hand? If I didn't have my cell phone to look up the numbers, no one would've known where the hell I was. Its not like I was speaking on the damn thing (like the CNA who came to ask if I needed more ice), so leave me the hell alone, FOAD!

I'm sure I'll add to this before the end of this blessed day, so sit back and relax while I take a brief intermission.