Monday, February 26, 2007

I'm Sorry!

Sorry Its been a while, but I've been in and out of the hospital the past few weeks and well its hard enough to get a decent phone at my bedside, yet alone Internet access. But I'm back. This whole situation has really began to take its toll on me.

I've never told anyone this, but growing up in a large family, I used to struggle for the attention of my parents. I did just about anything to get a few minutes of their time. I can even remember this one time I faked a fall and had my mom rush me to the ER. Much to my own surprise they actually diagnosed me with a broken wrist and set my arm in a cast. From broken bones to accepting winning medals without my own loud family members in the audience, I've always struggled with feeling un-important. I can remember learning about illnesses and wishing I had a brief one that would turn the focus on myself.

Now however, I find the exact opposite. Now that I really am sick, all I can do is cry. Cry for the family I have to call to tell that mommy's not coming home tonight because the doctors aren't so sure I'm stable to go home. Cry for the overwhelming pain that I endure every minute of every hour. The feeling of my heart burning from working too hard for the past few weeks. The painful injections that I have to give myself. The feeling of not being able to fall asleep because the cardiac monitor keeps alarming that my heart rate has dropped below 45. And finally the fear...Fear that one night I may close my eyes and never wake up. That my kids would be forced to go back to live with their father in FL and that my own messed up problems have been the cause for pain and worry in other peoples lives too.

For all that I've put everyone through, for all this and more... I'm sorry!

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