Unsaid

Somethings are better left unsaid. So I write em. But what if I know that you know now? Should that change how I write? No, this is my blog, my thoughts, my therapy.

Got a Date... Woo Hoo!

Damn, 300 posts so far....


Anyway, I know I was just talking shit about not being able to date again and stuff, but I gave into the pressure. Of course single parents cant just get up and hit the streets so it'll take a whole week to plan... and then some.

Who you ask is the mystery person? Well lets just say there will be lots of boob-age, hopefully lots of drinking to get us to put 'Dirty Dancing' to shame, and if your lucky a few embarrassing pics for Myspace.

Oh and Ang, I expect a corsage damn it!!!





P.S. I dont put out on the first date either, K?!

Is this what I want?

I don't care what anyone else says, I'm pretty fucking awesome. Seriously, I do it all. I cook, clean, do laundry, play the whole soccer-mom role, shit I'll even work to help keep the finances in order to keep off some of the pressure. I'll blow your mind away in bed, and walk through the streets like a total woman.
There are a few things however that you will never see me do. I would never disrespect someone. That alone can be discussed over a 15 page essay, but seriously I wouldn't do anything to ever hurt the ones I love.

Now with all that being said, why am I single? Honestly I think I fear dating. Lets be honest, its pretty scary out there. Ive seen it all. The druggies, the players, the stalkers... oh shit yeah, the stalkers! OMG my experience with Nurettin alone should've given me reason to give up on men. But they didn't. I still hoped that one day I'd accidentally meet my Mr. right. Don't get me wrong, I realize that no ones perfect, but I want my someone...

...someone who's eyes I can look into and through all his imperfections still see the one who's perfect to me.

Distant

If nothings changed, then why does everything feel so different?!

Gone But Never to be Forgotten

Sure I may bitch and complain alot, but one thing I will never stop doing is showing my love and respect for the brave men and woman who gave their all for you and I.


Today while your lighting the BBQ and sipping on a nice cold beer with your buds... remember their sacrifices.

Ok its pretty safe to assume that you'll be hearing alot from me in the next few hours or days. As the walls come crashing down and it feels like I'm losing control of everything in my life, all I can do is relay my emotions.

Today marks the one month anniversary since my fathers death. As if that wasnt enough to put me in an emotional uproar, I've been struggling with some other smaller issues too, but until this morning I was managing. Now however with Nick asking for space and ending what we had I've just given up. Fuck it!

I'll admit, I'm really messed up right now...

Letting go

If you really love someone, you'd do anything to see that their happy.

...Even if it means letting them go. No one said it would be easy, in fact its probably the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

No Doubt

Its often said that Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to. If that's the case, then what I thought was mutual was apparently not. Maybe I should take a moment to look at the obvious, before I hurt myself any further. I cant be in a relationship with someone who feels he cant trust me, but then again we're not really in a relationship either now are we?!
Ugh... I'm a fucking pathetic mess.
I've loved him for so long and haven't told him, fearing it would complicate things for him. Instead he probably feels I've been distant because I'm messing around on him. What do I do now?

No pain no gain

Actually thanks to the pain, hopefully there shall be no gain. I've decided I need to start doing more for myself. I don't wanna live the rest of my life miserable. Its so easy to get too involved with day to day functions and easily miss seeing the long term picture. The very first thing I'm starting with is using my membership to the gym. Sure I've popped my head in and out from time to time, but from now on I'm dedicating 2hrs to enhancing my ass... I mean assets.
Yesterday I had a great workout, I wanna set exercise goals too. Something that'll make all this aching seem worth while.

Im not the Only One

Ever hear a song that strikes a chord for you? See Marc Anthony is my absolute favorite singer. He's full of everything a good singer should be, emotion. For that and so many other reasons, Nick reminds me of him.

So when I finished the last part of my exam last night and left work, with no where to go but home, I spent some time alone in my car. I actually do that quite often. A few friends that were aware of my having the night off offered to take me out, to which I turned down. I just wanted to sit and think, to lay and listen to music that puts a hand on my heart.

My car is full of Marc Anthony Cd's thanks to Jes. I took the first one I could reach and popped it in the stereo, the first few songs were familiar but for some reason invoked a different emotion. Thanks to Izabell, I've began to put things into a different prospective, seeing things through his eyes.

And I heard this...




I love him so much. So much...that I have to help him.

How do you know which way to go?

Ever wish we could stare into a crystal ball and see how you'll be in 5, 10, 20 years? What will you be doing? Who will you be doing it with, and are you happy?

I wish I knew all the right answers. All I know is I'm extremely unhappy with my situation right now. I've allowed my day to day activities to get a hold of me, and by doing so have avoided making any drastic changes. In fact every time I seem to move in that direction, I back out and 'disappear' for a bit. Afraid to trust, afraid to risk, to take chances and most of all afraid to love again.

Honestly, I didn't give my all at the interview for the sheriffs office and the position was offered to someone else. Although the kids and I enjoy it in FL, I knew that I wouldn't be able to pack up and leave all those I love here in NY. Now however I realize I need change. I need to make a decision. I have my days when I wanna stay and go back to school. Take advantage of the cheaper living here with mom, while sacrificing my social life. For the most part its really not all that bad here, eventually the girls will outgrow the space and I'll need to move, but technically we could make it a few more years. If I really tightened my spending I could even swing my own place here too.

Then I remember when days were better. When I lived the American dream and every day was warm and sunny. I'm full of nothing but warm memories of Florida. Sunday mornings in church, evening dog walks with the kids, swimming in the backyard, riding on the mower, petting the manatees at dusk, and the smell of dinner cooking on the grill while grabbing some beers for the guys. But more valuable than all of those things... was someone to kiss and hold at night.
Lets face it, I'm miserable alone. I've got tons of friends, I know I'm an awesome person to be around. I find my happiness through being there for them. I keep them close to my heart because the honest truth is... I'm afraid to be alone.

So... while it may not be clear to me just yet, I have faith that I'll make the right decision. In fact the applications are already in the mail. It'll take some sacrifices, and will likely upset some people. But the one person I need to do this for, is me.

I See it Now

Alrighty... we were finally able to sit down and lay it all out, so to speak. I must say though, that although some of what I heard struck me as a surprise for the most part I anticipated what was spoken. It seriously bothers me to see him so upset. He's such a great man and doesn't deserve the BS he goes through. I haven't decided how yet, but I'm gonna help him find a way through this.

As for me, as difficult as it may be, I need to start seeing outside the box. I need to stop living in a fantasy world and let the reality of the situation sink in.

Wish I Knew

One year ago this month, someone left a note on my car. Curiosity got the best of me and I gathered the courage to contact that mystery person. Through out this year we've gone through some pretty significant stuff and offered support to one another. I've known that I've cared very much for him, but wasn't sure until recently just what it meant.

I've spent the past two days in a gloomy mood because I knew something was bothering him. He sent me a vague message, to which I offered my support, though I never knew just what it was that was particularly bothersome. I figured if he wanted me to get involved then he would involve me. The fact that two days have gone by and he still hasn't shared seriously bothers me. Tonight some mutual friends and I went to dinner, I really would've loved for him to be there but knew that he may not be feeling up to it, which I could sort of understand.

Not knowing whats going on however, and being left in the dark, for those that know me isn't exactly a good idea. When I'm left alone to sit and put all the clues together I begin to look beyond the obvious and assume things. I can only imagine that because he hasnt filled me in, that he doesnt want me to know.

Well you know what? I have some things I want you to know too... but I cant tell you, because your leaving again.

Broken and dysrhythmic it may be... he still managed to find his way in.

Jon B. - Someone To Love (Featuring Babyface)

Don't even like to think about it
I don't know what I would do without it
I only know I live and breathe for your love
Baby you came to me in my time of need
When I needed you, you were there for me
Baby, the love from you is what got me through
It's because of you I was able to
Give my heart again, you gave me

Someone to love
Someone to touch
Someone to hold
Oh someone to know
Someone to love
Someone to trust
Someone to hold
Oh someone to know

I thought I'd never love again
I thought my life was over and
I didn't want to face nor even see another day
Suddenly from no where, baby you appeared
You dried my tears, you cared for me
Maybe your love for me, truly rescued me
It's becuase of you, I was able to
Fall in love again, you gave me

[HOOK]

For so long in my life, I wouldn't let love inside
But I swallowed my pride the day you arrived
Now that you're by my side
Everything is all right
It's because of you, I was able to
Give my heart again, you gave me

[HOOK]

Lo Hicimos

Saving the world ain't easy. In fact every three years I must endure continued medical education classes and testing, most commonly known as refresher class, in order to keep my license to save the world. While many see this occasion as a time to cry and whine about failing a particular scenario, I enjoy the pain. Well... ok maybe not. But thanks to some pep talk from friends and stress relief on the roof landing, I went in to last nights skills station ready to take on anything they threw my way.

First scenario was a car accident, after immobilizing the c-spine and strapping him into my nifty device I was on my way to the next scenario... a cardiac arrest. Pushed hard, pushed fast... and yes even involved heavy breathing :P
(U pervs! Thats exactly how its stated in the protocol though!)
Ended my night with a young girl who couldn't take the blow of a quarterback tackling her and ended up with a closed head injury and a gross swollen deformity of the mid thigh, AKA femur fracture.

All in all it was a relatively cool night, thanks to the support of my peeps and daddy watching over me I'll be able to continue doing what I do best for another three years. We did it. Love you guys!!!

Gone

I tried cleaning out some of the clutter in Dad's room today, but I just couldn't do it. Going to his room several times a day to check on him became second nature to me. So much so that I still find myself accidentally walking in, and once again reliving the painful truth that he's never gonna be there again.

Guilt

I realize that guilt is a normal part of the grieving process, but please tell me when I'll get over it and move along to the acceptance phase.



I should've been there. I've known this day would come. But with no clear indication that he was ill, I thought it would be ok to take a vacation. I've spent the last 17 years learning how to take care of Dad, what to look out for and how to treat him... but everything I learned, of everyone I've saved. The one who inspired it all was ironically the one I couldn't help from 1200 miles away.



I'm sorry Dad. I should've been there. I should've been the one to make sure they were taking appropriate actions. I should've been daddy's little angel...

I wish I'd Known

If only I would've known that our last goodbye would really be goodbye.... I would've held you a little tighter, a little longer. I would've reminded you of my love for you. I would've told you that I couldn't have asked for a better father.



Dad,

I'm not sure of what the future has in store for me, but I know you'll still be here to help me. To be the extra hand I need while I learn to ride this bicycle of life.

The extra hand I need in the kitchen

...and the hand that will always be there to walk me through tough times as this.

I love you Daddy!