Thursday, May 15, 2008

How do you know which way to go?

Ever wish we could stare into a crystal ball and see how you'll be in 5, 10, 20 years? What will you be doing? Who will you be doing it with, and are you happy?

I wish I knew all the right answers. All I know is I'm extremely unhappy with my situation right now. I've allowed my day to day activities to get a hold of me, and by doing so have avoided making any drastic changes. In fact every time I seem to move in that direction, I back out and 'disappear' for a bit. Afraid to trust, afraid to risk, to take chances and most of all afraid to love again.

Honestly, I didn't give my all at the interview for the sheriffs office and the position was offered to someone else. Although the kids and I enjoy it in FL, I knew that I wouldn't be able to pack up and leave all those I love here in NY. Now however I realize I need change. I need to make a decision. I have my days when I wanna stay and go back to school. Take advantage of the cheaper living here with mom, while sacrificing my social life. For the most part its really not all that bad here, eventually the girls will outgrow the space and I'll need to move, but technically we could make it a few more years. If I really tightened my spending I could even swing my own place here too.

Then I remember when days were better. When I lived the American dream and every day was warm and sunny. I'm full of nothing but warm memories of Florida. Sunday mornings in church, evening dog walks with the kids, swimming in the backyard, riding on the mower, petting the manatees at dusk, and the smell of dinner cooking on the grill while grabbing some beers for the guys. But more valuable than all of those things... was someone to kiss and hold at night.
Lets face it, I'm miserable alone. I've got tons of friends, I know I'm an awesome person to be around. I find my happiness through being there for them. I keep them close to my heart because the honest truth is... I'm afraid to be alone.

So... while it may not be clear to me just yet, I have faith that I'll make the right decision. In fact the applications are already in the mail. It'll take some sacrifices, and will likely upset some people. But the one person I need to do this for, is me.

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