Thursday, January 31, 2008

Chicken Noodle Soup

I was brushing my teeth this morning. Sounds like something normal right?! Of course it is, but every morning I think about how I do it. Am I squeezing from the middle of the tube? Would I be driving Him insane? Little things like that in a relationship can either make it or break it. Either way, the feeling of trying to make or keep someone happy is a much missed feeling. Then I begin to yell at myself. I think way too much about people who dont reciprocate.

I've got one guy that seemingly only calls me when he's at work, one who makes weekly appearances and another that'll call for an ambulance just to hear from me at times. I can honestly say I love the people in my life. I once read an article about the people we choose to hold close to our hearts. Each person meets a need we have at any given moment.

I love many... though, am not in love.

On a day like today, when I'm feeling yucky and could use a hug and maybe some chicken noodle soup. Who do I call?

When I cant fall asleep at night because all I can think about is having to tell that poor kids mom that her only child may not make it through. Who do I call?

When I'm excited cause I got accepted to nursing school again. Who do I call?

Who can I go to for all those little things that add up to alot? In all honesty, I'm surrounded by lots of people who love me, but I wanna be in love. I want someone to cuddle with on the couch, someone to offer a hug when I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, some one to be the one for me, the whole package. I want it all!

Sunday, January 27, 2008


You cant miss something that was never really yours, right?! Wrong!

You can sit like a dork trying so hard to find something other than him to write about. Something to help you escape your thoughts while you wonder... am I in his?

Friday, January 25, 2008

When Your Mad

Apparently I'm cute when I'm mad?!

Thursday night after a heated email I came to work prepared to spend the entire night arguing with Smiley. I even imagined myself leaving him alone in the front cabin and me sleeping in the back just to avoid him. I asked the dispatcher to allow me to work in a spot close to home in case it got really heated and I wanted to walk away. Of course It would've put our bus out of service and I probably would've lost my job, but I was still preparing myself for the worst.

So I arrive and there he is at the counter getting the keys for our ambulance with a huge smile, like nothings wrong! I give him a rather awkward hello and walked away. I left to go upstairs and ask the dispatcher for the previous mentioned arrangement. Then I return to our bus only to find he's still friggin smiling! He compliments me and my hair as I coldly reply "thanks". Keep on trucking... O2 tanks checked, equipment checked, KED and short board (yeah as If I plan on pulling some drunk MF out of a car tonight anyway?!) nontheless they're here anyway...check. I continued inventory as he was gloating in his own thoughts. He asked if I wanted a newspaper or any magazines (WTF?!), "uh no thanks". Then were both ready and we handed our inventory sheet to the supv for approval.
K, were ready to save the day.

"Do you wanna talk now?" he asks.

"Yeah I guess so", I replied as he once again...smiles. By now I'm totally pissed and he's seriously getting off on this shit!

He starts explaining and justifying his actions lately, and it wasn't long before the tears starting rolling down his cheeks. After it all, I was feeling much better knowing the truth, but had to ask why he was amused by my anger? He replies "Your so damn cute when your mad".


Now I got this damn song in my head:

Smiley's no Nick though. He shows his age with his taste in music, he cant rock like we can. He probably wouldn't have any idea who Ne-Yo was... and Nick wouldn't piss me off just to see my cute mad face, would he?!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

My Point

Monday, January 21, 2008


I don't know why but I'm in a really bummed out mood. Hopefully it's just the winter blues or something and it'll be short lived. But since I really have no idea whats particularly bothersome, I'll blog about any or all of it.

I took the kids out to the store yesterday and fell even deeper into my thoughts. This time of year all the stores are surrounded with valentines day items intended to show that special someone in your life how much you love them. In my opinion though If you really loved them, you'd tell them every chance you get. I don't need Hallmark to remind me. Then I began to think about all the people I love, and most of them probably don't even know. My job forces me to put on my big girl panties and separate my emotions from my actions, but in doing so I've neglected to tell them just how I feel. Gheez now I feel like such a dude. K, maybe I'll say it with a Hallmark card :P

Next issue, Its tax season and I'll have the extra money I've needed for my own apartment. Only problem now is mom quit her job a few months ago and without my income I'm not exactly sure they'd be ok. Honestly I know its not fair for me to have such a burden, and even though all four of us kids are working and are capable of helping, no one can take care of them like I can. This worries me. Last time I moved away dad would call me begging me to come back to NY cause he missed having a home cooked meal everyday. Sure he intended it as a joke, but in all honesty I didn't get my Suzy homemaker skills from mom. Maybe I'll find something affordable close to home that'll still allow me to help them out.

I wish there was one thing I could point out as the culprit of my bad mood and get rid of it, but it seems like an accumulation of several emotions. I was depressed about being alone in bed last night, but didn't wanna be with any of the people that called. Maybe it's the one I wished I'd spoken with that's got my head in the clouds.

Or... this could all be hormonal since my friggen boobs are killing me!!!

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Unless you live under a rock, you probably already know that the NY Giants are headed to the SuperBowl.

I must say not being able to find a live feed to watch the game certainly had me going crazy. Big F'ing thanks to the NFL's corporate mongers and their blackout regulations, but thanks to Smiley giving me the last minute play by plays I was able to hear the official announcement.
Congrats guys!

Worse than a Dude

WTF is up with some lesbians? Seriously, some can be worse than dudes! Deb for instance is a Medic from my company I've known for over two years. That's about how long she's been trying to pursue me. Mind you, Deb's in her late 40's, has gray hair and is far from attractive.

To date, I am the only dispatcher that has not sent her home for her rude and obnoxious behavior, instead I found a way to communicate with her and convince her to get the job done. Maybe it's just a gift I have, but I seem to get along pretty well with just about anyone. Deb however still holds on to hopes of being able to "Wine & Dine me" and "treat me the way a woman should be treated".

Umm sorry Deb... it's strictly dickly for me!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

C'mon, It'll be Fun

I need a vacation, only problem is I cant decide when and where to go. I begin classes again in March so I'd better hurry and decide. I'm sorta torn between the whole Disney idea and an indoor waterpark/ski resort in the Pocono's. Right now I'm leaning towards the Pocono's idea. I'm working on convincing the kids that snowtubing down a mountain with mom is way cooler than standing in line at Disney during spring break. Besides, a trip to FL quickly turns into a chore having to drive all around the state visiting family.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Ambulance Driver

Just an ambulance driver......

Just an ambulance driver.......

Standing in chest deep water, freezing rain falling and stinging as it hits the exposed parts of my body. Holding her head above water to keep her from drowning until rescue could get there to cut her free---

Comforting a 89 year old woman who just watched me and my partner cover the face of her husband of 64 years as he lay dead on their bathroom floor---

On scene at an MVA with mom trapped upside down in her car and her dead sons body laying on top of her. Without a second thought for my own safety I crawl into the wreckage to take C-spine control and calm the frantic lady---

Called away from my just prepared meal to respond to the middle of B.F.E to a house with no numbers, no porch light on, nobody waiting to signal us in and they complain because we took too long only to find out the patient left in her own vehicle ten minutes we smile and walk away from the verbal lashing only because we are--

Standing in the middle of the street at midnight on the wrong side of town trying to patch the holes and stop the bleeding of a 19 year old shooting victim with the occasional bullet whizzing past our heads we never break stride because this kids life is in our hands---

Doing chest compressions on a 16 year old girl who decided this life was more than she could take. Her family screaming at us to help as though we are the ones who did this to her. Her lifeless body flailing about as the tube goes in and IV's being started, my arms and back burning from the pain of 30 minutes of CPR never once giving up, hoping she would make it through and over come whatever lead her to this bad decision----

Death is all around me and still I go home to live my life
I get kicked, hit, spit on, bled on, puked on...

I look into the eyes of a lifeless child at 7am and by 8 am I'm holding my child a little tighter and they know nothing about what happened.

I have hundreds of hours of classroom time
Years of in the field experience
I have challenged death and won
I've helped the helpless
I've neglected my family for yours
I find comfort in complete chaos
I eat cold meals if i eat at all
I work with no sleep for days at a time
I miss birthdays, holidays and school functions
I put myself in harms way for a total stranger on a daily basis


Thursday, January 17, 2008

Oxytocin Please?!

The past few days have been hell for me at work. Yesterday every single person I picked up lived in a building with no friggen elevator. Even though not one of them complained of leg pain or difficulty walking, I still had to follow protocol and not let them walk down stairs. Needless to say I was in quite a bit of pain when walking back into work last night, only to find that It was my turn to carry a special stretcher designed for patients up to 1500lbs. Yep, no rest for the weary. Oddly enough though, just about all my calls last night were for pediatrics. That certainly helped me balance out the extra weight of the stretcher so I didn't have to lift anymore than I've become used to.

The physical demands of my job can be quite bothersome, but for some reason the pain in my biceps and back don't compare to my emotional stress right now. I wont go into much detail now, but I will say that seeing a GA license plate on my street made me suddenly see hope. He always seems to appear when I need him the most. I'm seriously starting to show signs of withdrawal too. I came home to check for any new emails and oddly enough found the topic of hugs being discussed on MSN.

Talking when you should be touching
There’s more to communication than just using your mouth. Sometimes a simple touch takes us where words cannot go. Studies show that even a 20-second hug raises oxytocin levels in both men and women — oxytocin is the “cuddle hormone” — it helps us to feel calm and connected to our partner. According to the New Scientist, “Oxytocin also boosts trust, which is an important step in developing a loving relationship.” British scientist Andreas Meyer-Lindenberg and his team at the National Institute of Mental Health found that oxytocin release “reduced activity in the amygdala, a part of the brain that signals fear, and therefore helped them to bond to another person.”

So when words fail you, go for that 20-second hug. It may be just the fuel you need to fill up your tank for the relationship-road ahead.

So... that's it, I'm going through oxytocin withdrawal!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Cant Help you Fix Yourself, But atleast I can say I tried

I'm in a bitching mood so either sit back and read or walk away now.

I know you've become accustomed to the pleasant smile I put on 24/7, but today I'm gonna show you another side. There's been alot bothering me lately and I don't give a shit who reads this, I'm gonna let it all blow up. First on the FOAD list is the ever famous ex- husband. Despite what he may think, child support orders are not created as a means of disciplining bad parents. They are created to force your MF ass to actively participate in the financial burdens of raising the kids you've helped create. I never once called your ass to complain about not having money, instead I went and made it. Hello, dumb ass?! You don't get a job by sitting on your ass all day watching porn. Don't ask me to feel sorry for you now, when you didn't care when we were without a home. Oh and not calling your kids cause you feel bad about not being able to send them something on their birthday, Is a viscous cycle that'll bite you in the ass buddy.

Sigh... OK, next!

WTF is wrong with guys? I don't answer my phone when you call nor do I return your phone calls. Doesn't that tell you I'm not interested in speaking with your dumb ass?! Please stop calling and sending txt messages before I send my people on ya!

After sitting and re-reading that last line I've decided to stop calling Smiley. I've gotta follow my own advice. We're likely to be stuck together in the future with him being my partner and all but I'm not gonna be chasing you down to make sure your not huddled over in the corner crying somewhere anymore. I can help with your emotional needs, but your physical ones have to be addressed by one of the docs I've pointed you towards. I cant help you fix yourself, but atleast I can say I tried. Once again, sitting on the computer watching porn will not make your problems disappear. Gheez guys c'mon.

Then there's the ever popular myspace drama. I don't want your man, I leave him comments because were friends, and friends say hello to each other every once in a while. If your questioning his heart, ask him not me.

Then of course there's the ever popular work drama. I'm seriously considering getting out of EMS. Not because of the physical or emotional stress, but because of all the Extra Marital Sex. It's sickening! Seriously, I think I'm gonna recommend to our employee health nurse that in addition to our annual drug testing, they add an STD screening. **Ugh**

OK, I'm grossed out now but feel better having released all that tension. If you've read this far into it thanks, I owe you a bitching session.

Peace, Love & all that other Good Shit!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Go Giants

Taking a break from saving the world to report that the Giants have won!!!
We certainly left some heads spinning.
Well Bro,
there's always next year!


Last night I did the unthinkable, I went on a coffee date with an old friend. I'd like to say that it was wonderful and exciting and everything I'd hoped it would be. But the truth is I didn't expect anything other than two friends sitting and chatting. Honestly I'm quite distracted right now and still satisfied with Fridays surprise. But I still agreed to meet up.

So how'd it go? It was horrible. I can honestly say that last night was a disaster. It started with him being over three hours late which he blamed on accidentally falling asleep. Then us going to dunkin for coffee only to discover that it was closed due to an apparent robbery just prior to our arrival. So we went to a diner and sat, talked, sat some more and dude f*cking fell asleep. Picture this if you will... a 6'2" 400 lb puerto rican with bleached blonde hair sitting across from me snoring while I secretly wonder if I could walk back home from where we were.

Ugh... It was so bad. But thankfully it ended quickly. I climbed into bed still sore from Friday's adventure and began to think some more. My straight dawg would be happy to know I was good.
I'm an avid music person, as is he, but every song reminds me of something or some memory... I find myself holding back from tuning into the radio attempting to avoid the reality of my emotions. F*ck it today I'm gonna let it all loose and shake my ass with some music while I clean the house... If it makes me pause to think about him, then so what?!

I'd better hurry though so I can catch the game before work. TTYL!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Reason, Season or a Lifetime?

People come into our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need then to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. BELIEVE IT!!!! It is real!! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those you should build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway), and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

~Author Unknown~

Technical Difficulties

I know I really should be asleep right now. Its 11:00am which is probably the equivalent of 2:00am for those normal people that work 9-5 jobs and sleep at night. My typical morning consists of sending the kids off to school and quickly running home to bed. This morning however, I'm rather disturbed by what appears to be a misunderstanding between Nick and I and cant fall asleep. So what do I do to help clear my head? I blog!

K, see this morning Nick and I were sending text messages back and forth while I was busy with the kids. Looking back now I realize the argument was kinda stupid. I know I didn't do what I was accused of, but thats not what disturbs me. What's more disturbing is how long it took him to believe that I was telling the truth. I guess for our first disagreement, It went pretty well. It just bothers me that someone feels I have a reason to be dishonest with them. Hopefully I'll get to see him later and we'll discuss this a bit further.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Kicking Ass, NY style

Growing up my Dad and I never missed a sunday or monday night football game. I'd curl up and take over his bed, placing a small wager on the game... with the exception of the Giants, the only team we both favor. If your not a big football person, just know that the Giants haven't won a playoff game since 2001.

If you ask me some areas of Florida are nothing more than warmer versions of NYC, with a fairly large percent of the population migrating from here. So It comes as no surprise that a play-off game between the NY Giants and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers would turn out a rather large crowd. Despite all their efforts however, they were unsuccessful in keeping the spirit of NY from steeling their sunshine!

Stay tuned for next week when we gang up on my brother and kick some Cowboy ass!

Saturday, January 05, 2008

With Every Kiss & Every Hug

Music really means alot to me. Whether I'm just cleaning the house and need something to shake my ass to or just wanna lay in bed and cry, I always seem to find the right song to invoke my emotions.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Break it Down

Ok I know your probably eager to hear what the hell happened. On Dec 30th I had an awkward dream. I dreamt that for whatever reason I was once again in the hospital. On the eve of Dec 31st I began to feel short of breath and after some coaching and yelling I was convinced to go to the ER. I knew what was wrong, but was still in denial.

If you wanna do a little research about Pulmonary Embolism's your more than welcome to. But the awful reality of it is that if left untreated, approximately one third of patients who survive an initial PE die of a future embolic episode. I was treated thankfully, and having the support network I do to call me and send me text messages threatening to kick my ass if I don't go, is what I credit for saving me. The main focus of my doctors now has turned to finding the cause of all these embolism's rather than just treating them.

Pulmonary Embolism's aren't a disease in and of themselves. Rather, it is an often fatal complication of another underlying condition. Since I haven't been immobilized for an extended period of time its pretty safe to assume that there's something congenital causing these suckers. Over the next few weeks I will be feeding the blood thirsty vampires and injected with contrast that'll make me illuminate in the dark in an attempt to find the underlying cause of all this crap.

Oddly enough, I specifically requested New Years eve off so I could enjoy myself and not have to be stuck waiting in triage with some drunk who fell down. Instead... I was beside the drunks waving at my fellow colleagues bringing 'em in.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

How do you go on? How do you kiss your loved ones goodnight not knowing if this will be goodbye?

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Not A Good Start

I really don't know what to say... although I'm full of thoughts. The last thing I wanted to do was bring in the New Year alone in the hospital, but after three long & lonely days I'm just glad to be home.