Thursday, November 30, 2006


I didn't want you to think I forgot you or anything. I've just been feeling kinda yucky the past few days and am trying to get some rest. Being that us single parents cant really take sick days, I manage to find a few moments in between to check my emails and spend sometime doing things I enjoy.
So... Brief it may be, but at least I made an effort in between the frequent trips to the porcelain god. Peace Out!!!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Birthday Drama

First I'd like to thank those who made me feel special on my day. My wonderful co-worker's suprised me and turned my frown upside down with lunch and an ice cream cake. My family who made me a wonderful dinner that had me hugging not only them but the porclean god all night too. Even the clerk at the counter at my gym caught me by suprise. Im sure some automated message popped up on her screen to point it out to her, nontheless it cheered me up for even that slight moment.

I really don't like putting my personal life out there like this and I try not to because I usually don't make it through without shedding a few tears. My Ex husband and I had some major issues, one was him forgetting special days. I don't expect every man to remember every day or anniversary, but birthdays are pretty important. The Ray is on my shit list now too. He knew that my birthday was coming last weekend when he asked me what I wanted, so why were the words "Happy Birthday" far from his lips? Ray is famous for sending text messages expressing his love, but has yet to tell me in person that he loves me, even though we've been together for about 6 months. However even that method wasn't used. Absolutely nothing!!! He forgot, And I seriously hope that when he does realize that he messed up big time, that he apologizes appropriately. Otherwise I'm almost positive he'll be gone soon. He started by spending Thanksgiving away in Boston. The fact that he chose to be so far away isn't what bothered me, its the fact that he chose to send me text messages throughout the entire time rather than actually calling. Why couldn't he take the extra effort to even just key me up on the nextel if he weren't able to carry on a conversation? ...Makes me a bit suspicious.

Yeah ok, I see where this is going. The decision isn't so easy this time around though. There are kids involved with this one. My kids absolutely adore Ray. I'm not in a very good position here. I wont however let it ruin my holiday. I think instead I've been venting by being in a super-holiday mood. I've been decorating every room in sight.

I don't know, maybe I'm bipolar or something!!!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Woo Fukin Hoo!

I don't know why or how it all started, but I'm suddenly feeling something vaguely familiar. The same something that ended my relationship with Big dawg, just may end my current relationship as well. I wont go into details, because... well I just cant tell anyone yet. If I write it here, then I can no longer doubt myself and run the risk of telling the culprit. Yes, I do for whatever reason actually have people reading. God help them!

Anyway, tomorrow's my birthday. I should be excited, I should tell the world I want a nice carvel cake with those yummy crunchies and all. But the truth is I'd rather just lay here and listen to my depressing music. Woo Fukin Hoo!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Left Over Turkey

Happy Left Over Turkey Day to ya'll! I really don't have a valid excuse for not blogging earlier. So I'll spare you any lies. I started my holiday shopping, and yes on black Friday. I even skipped out of work early to get to those 5am sales. Although I justified the daylong venture as a trip to shop for my own birthday present, I didn't exactly do just that. But hey I got some pretty cute toys for the kids.

Well... The Ray has been gone for almost a week now and I must say, I kinda don't miss him. As sad as it may sound, I've been enjoying the freedom. No phone calls every few hours, no guilting me into squeezing in visits, and no sleepless days. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with him and all, but I'm starting to have thoughts of doubt again. I honestly never expected to be where we are today, but at the same time I see myself having to make a decision soon about our possible future and whether it'll be together or apart. I haven't found any bad about him, but then again maybe that's what scares me.

On a brighter note, I think I've finished training the Fucktard. See honestly, I personally have trained many people. Including clueless chicks, kids getting their first real job, and then there's just the plain old retards. This latest trainee, the Fucktard, has been by far my most difficult of them all. We should've been done a long time ago. He's just so damn stubborn. For example, if I try to reprimand him, and explain why not to do stupid shit, he'll do his best to justify himself. He's driving us all insane, oh and heaven forbid he come to work ontime. Sigh.... Anyway tonight Is the last night I will be working the overnight shift. I've taught Fucktard everything he needs to know. Where he takes it is completely up to him, but my babysitting days are over. Hopefully I'll get a few weeks away before he gets himself fired and I have to come back to Overnights.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Bah Humbug

Well Its almost that time of year again. I've just gotta get the brown sugar and Karo syrup for my sweet potatoes and then I'll be all set for my turkey dinner. YUM YUM!

Its what follows the dinner that I'm usually all excited about. This year however I'm not as thrilled as usual. Before we moved back to NY, we would fly around the country and visit our friends and family for the holidays. Now that I'm in a rather different circumstance, I really wont be traveling anywhere except maybe to see friends here in NY. The shit head ex wants to visit with his trashy chick, of course he'll call 2 days before the kids are expecting him and come up with some lame excuse for not being able to show up. Then there's his family, whom have become just as reliable. They'll call and leave me messages asking why I don't call them. HELLO... You guys are part of the equation too. Don't blame your lack of interest on me!!! Oh and this year you guys aren't getting presents from us. Call me cheap, call me what ever you want but since you guys have failed to send to us for any holiday or birthday for the past three years, I've decided to boycott. Bah Humbug to you and your family.

Although my expectations aren't very high this season, I still cant help but hope for a Christmas (0r even birthday)miracle this year.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

New & Improved

I'm sitting here tonight prouder than I've been in a while. My day started out with cleaning the big mess the kids left while I worked yesterday, then followed up with my employee evaluation at work. As I prepared, I practiced my "shove your 30 cents up your ass speech" and I was ready to tell them what I really felt about shit, much to my surprise it wasn't necessary. See TP'ing my supervisors car the other night had absolutely no negative bearing on my evaluation, and I was graciously rewarded an awesome raise. We did however agree that I need to toughen up a bit. So...l got to working on it right away and made myself darn proud.

I started out with my sister whom woke me up at 6 am and didn't even apologize. Lets go back 6 weeks, when my mother lay on the operating table "bleeding out" and us getting the call that we need to come the hospital ASAP to be with her, not knowing if she'd be alive when we got there. Well, my sister's abusive boyfriend was strongly against her leaving the house that evening. I handed my sister some brass balls and we were quickly on our way despite his objections. Thankfully mom pulled through and is back to her old pain-in-the-ass self. Ironically though, I get a call while I'm at work yesterday about his mother. See karma's a wonderful thing! He got word that his mom and her roommate were both involved in a fire and the cat lovers refused to leave their apartment without their feline friends. The roommate is currently in a burn unit listed in critical condition, while his mother is listed as either missing or presumed to be dead. A body was pulled from the ruble two days after the structure collapsed however was so badly burned that they cannot determine the sex nor the identity.

Please forgive me for not crying, but rather rejoicing. The lady and her demon seed of a son have tormented my sister for over 10 years. When I heard he said she wished to be cremated without any special service, I joked at how she even took care of her final arraignments for us. Now my sister says that I was all heartless and shit, I disagree. I guess I just have a different outlook on death being in my profession. When we pull up on scene and someone's obviously dead, were usually relieved because we can hand our stiff over to someone else and go finish our lunch. Even when I worked hospice, knowing that my patients were never gonna be in pain again, was a relief. So call me f*cked up if you will, but I see her dying as a good thing. The world is one bitch shorter now!

Next victim was the Ex- husband. I gave him a bad taste that he'll be shitting out for days. I don't care If you lie and tell me that you've been trying to call your kids for weeks and haven't been able to get through. No voicemails left = no f*cking calls. But don't tell me, tell the kids that have already forgot what you look and sound like you ass wipe. Yes it hurts to know that they don't miss you anymore, but hey at least they know I wont forget their birthdays!

I'm sure there were a few more instances today, but damn it, it's 3am give me a break. **Sigh** I love this feeling! I'm on a roll baby, who'll be my next subject?

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Same Shit Different Day

I'm back from outerspace. Sorry I didn't drop off the face of the planet, just blogger. The damn site was down when I finally got around to posting a few days ago, hopefully this time it works!!!

Well where do I get begin to get caught up? I'm officially cancer free and fully functioning. I'm pretty much having a good time with the exception of the situation with my mom. Nothing like a good scare to force you to make changes in your life. A few weeks ago my mom went to the hospital for a fairly routine procedure, however due to complications she began to what we call 'bleed out' and almost died. She was forced to quit smoking secondary to being hooked up to numerous machines in the ICU for a week. In my eyes, this is great (the smoking that is)! I've been trying to get her to quit smoking and drinking and begin to generally take care of herself, if not for her own sake, then for the sake of all the people that love her.

Well the good news is that mom has been officially smoke free for over a month now. The bad... she's more than making up for it with her drinking. We got into another huge argument tonight over this. See I work the overnight shift and leave my kids in her hands. But when she's drunk off her ass like tonight, I cant do it. Of course I really have no choice right now, all I could do is hope and pray that if something were to really happen and the kids needed someone, that my brother could step in and help them. I work very close, and could be home in less than 5 minutes if needed, but this uneasy feeling has got me to the point where I'm ready to quit my job if I cant be moved to a different shift.