Monday, December 31, 2007


Ever have a dream that stayed in your thoughts all day? Last night I had a rather awkward one that's caused some confusion on my part. It started out with me in an ER. I don't believe I was there initially as a patient, I believe I was there bringing one in, but soon there after I became one. I seemed a bit short of breath and was experiencing palpitations. The doctor convinced me to have an EKG performed which revealed I was in SVT with a heart rate of 233. Soon I was undressed and being prepped for a dose of adenosine. The drugs successfully reset my rate to a normal rhythm.

Afterwards I remember having to call home and being upset about having to tell Gabby that mommy wouldnt be coming home tonight, a ritual that time after time brought tears to my eyes. Distraught and upset I returned to my hospital bed. It was there that the most surprising thing of all happened. I was consoled by a good friend who's loved me all along, I was just too damn blind to see it. I knew him to be a good friend although I didn't see his face in the dream... only a mustard yellow colored wrinkled shirt that dried my tears. It felt so good to be in his arms, but who was it?

I've got an idea. I'll try-out hugs with every friend I have (like prince charming and his glass slipper in search for cinderella) until I find my true love.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

All or Nothing in '08

With 2008 creeping up on us, I decided to begin to think about my resolutions. In doing so I've come up with the theme of All or Nothing. I don't want someone who meets my emotional needs, and another who meets my sexual... I want it all or nothing. I want a partner not just a lover or a friend. If you cant meet the demands, then please refrain from applying.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Dear Santa

Thanks for all the wonderful memories I have of you as a child. As an adult now, I'm not asking for a beautiful doll or a super fast race car... Nothing that your elves would be able to make themselves. Instead I'd like you to gather the support of all your other magical friends and spread some joy this holiday season.

It's no secret that this has been the toughest year thus far for me. In an instant, everything I've done and all I've lived for made no difference as my life lay in the hands of strangers. Nonetheless I've made it through. I will never again take this life for granted. I will live, love and laugh often.

What I ask of you tonight is that you please send some of the same magic to the ones I love. Send the power to overcome their battles. For Nick, I wish for him happiness. After so many years of sacrifice, he deserves to be happy too... even if it means no more sharing beef w broccoli. For Smiley, I ask that you help him realize that some things are beyond our control. Help him learn to accept them and not let them overpower every decision he makes. Take chances, even if it means we may fall on our face. For 'Nena to realize that marriage is a union of two souls... yes including your bank accounts!
For GI JOE, I want the biggest bubble custom made to keep him safe in Iraq, being equipped with AIM and Myspace would be a much appreciated feature too. As a matter of fact, lets make that a double order, one for the Moore's too. Keep their families safe until Daddy returns!

I could go on and on with this list, but I know you have some work to do, so lets just agree to keep the lines of communication open between us, k?! Merry Christmas and have a safe trip spreading your love and joy to children around the world!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Random Babblings

Apparently I had nothing to fear at work. What's my punishment? I get to train a few new employees. I suppose I'm doing a good job then, huh?!

On a side note, Smileys ignoring my calls and I really couldn't care less. Nick's probably in Atlanta... at least I hope so. Even with the less than ideal situation at home, enduring Christmas without his kids would be devastating for him. I really hope he finds happiness, he deserves it for all he does.

Remember Beachboy? He made a special appearance at our companies Christmas party. It was great to see him again, but if what I read is true then there wont be anymore surprise run-ins. Guess we wont be doing standbys in New Rochelle again anytime soon.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Mental Heath Holiday

In life we make choices of our own choosing. The reasoning for these choices is usually something simple or maybe instinct. We do it because somewhere along the line we thought it was the better option. Apparently my decision making skills are now too being questioned.

After barely surviving through the night from hell and having my partner taken out with chest pains after dealing with a fraction of my daily drama, I left with the decision not to come back. I decided that after an 80 hr work-streak, I was well over due for a mental health holiday. After coming home and sending the kids off to school I check my emails and apparently some shit- heads don't agree with how I handled a few situations. The first was quite simple, an Nursing Home patient was being sent out to the ER with complaints of fever of 101.0. When we arrive, no signs of abnormal temp, no distress however has some neck pain. The patient was already receiving oxygen per her DR's orders at 2 liters. My quality control director now questions why I didn't increase her oxygen intake? Well quite simply, she wasn't in any apparent distress, no complaints of difficulty breathing and in her case as all other patients with COPD, by increasing her blood oxygen levels I'd be decreasing her co2 levels and thus interrupting her hypoxic drive possibly causing more harm than good. What the number one rule of EMS? Do No Harm! Excuse me for knowing more than my scope of practice expects me to. ...But I'll smile and nod my head.

The next incident was a bit more serious and complicated. A burn patient lay in the burn unit of a nearby hospital. With his outcome not looking so great, it was decided to hurry and send him to a neighboring hospital's cath lab for quick harboring of his organs for possible donation. Problem is... every minute counts. As requested I sent my closest paramedics whom later call to advise me that their ventilator wasn't functioning. Given the circumstances, my options were to either send another crew whom was standing by, not on a call, or let the patient die because of our failed equipment. Of course I sent the neighboring unit.

Remember this is my life we're talking about here, k. So what do you think happened next. Someone in the area that the crew should've been covering was having a massive heart attack and needed to get to a cath lab too. I did however have a backup plan and sent a crew that took a but longer than the Dr would've liked, but thankfully the patient made it.

Needless to say tomorrow with be an interesting day as I kiss ass and insist that I'll try to think more like the people telling me what to do, though they've never performed my job function in their life. But hey their my superiors and I need to respect their dumb asses.

If it weren't for Nick, my mental health day would've been a total waste. I know he may not believe it or see it in comparison with his own problems, but he really does help me more than he'll ever know.

Sunday, December 16, 2007


Sometimes it feels like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm never comfortable with the idea of watching helplessly as my loved ones endure their own battles. I try to, at the very least, lift some of their weight. The problem now though, is the heightened stress is beginning to take its toll on my own well being. I've been feeling some PVC's and other not so welcomed symptoms. How do I find the right balance before I'm forced to return to the cath lab?

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Always Good

First off let me say, I'm feeling like shit. I seriously hope no one has to rely on me to save their life tonight. I'm too sore and extremely exhausted!

Your probably wondering how the party went. Was it the event of the year? Not exactly. Remember this is my life, so here's how it went... due to emergency repairs and a gas main break I had no hot water to bathe with and had to shave with hot water boiled from the stove. After more than two hours prepping and stumbling to my car in my stiletto heel's, I was finally ready to roll. Within an hour or so of my arrival I was already feeling pretty good and ready to party.

To make a long story short, I drank, I danced and drank some more. The party was really nothing more than a night out with the gang. Nothing magical of mention.

The after party with Nick however... was what made my night special. I finally got the story behind the drunk dialing incident and got to spend some well overdue time with him. Being with Nick and rockin' with Chris Brown and the Backstreet boys till dawn... C'mon who else could I do that with?! But seriously, I may not remember a whole lot about my evening, but I'll always remember the way I felt in his arms and the promises that were made.

... me, I'm always good! And after reminiscing, could go for a nice serving of beef w broccoli!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007


Tonight I'll be attending the annual Christmas party at work. I dont really get to go out and do grown up things, so this is kinda a big deal to me. Got a new outfit and hair done... the whole nine yards. I wish I had someone to share it with though. Last year I took a date and felt obligated to stay with him all night. This year I wanted to enjoy myself with my co-workers and I all getting drunk and stupid so I decided to go solo. However I think it back fired on me. I really don't know many cool people that'll be coming. Smiley will be working, Ang is too! Will there be any cool people left?

I guess I'll have to wait and see!

Saturday, December 08, 2007


What is it about love that makes you act like a total dork?

I'll admit, I'm the biggest dork of em all. From spilled glasses of wine, to tripping on the dance floor. From awkward quiet moments to awesome high fives, I'm the reigning Queen of Dorkville. I'll even be the first to make fun.

Last night my partner and I stayed in the office hung Christmas lights around the office and watched movies. One the them being Good Luck Chuck . It was pretty hilarious to see a character much like myself and being able to laugh about it. Good Luck Chuck fed my need for a romantic tale and his need for a comedy. Then I began to wonder, why cant I have that too?!

In Good Luck Chuck, Charlie is viewed as a good luck charm. The guy who gets all the girls but can never honestly say he'd fallen in love with them. One girl however changed all of that. He suddenly finds himself an honorary member of the dorks in love tribe. I wont kill the movie for you, but I will say... I'm totally feeling my dork meter raising!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Key to What?!

K, I'm cheating today. I know I owe you a real post, but this poll just has me sooo pissed:

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is high. You can't resist desire and lust.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

WTF?! I totally disagree with this crap! I am not afraid of marriage. True I do want a lasting relationship, but cheating. Me? Are you serious, FOAD blogthings post crapper!

You mean to tell me, by answering 10 multiple choice questions about animals you can determine all that about me?! Hmm... nice try.

K, now I kinda feel like an ass. After proof reading and sitting here with my cursor on submit... I realize that this damn thing may be partially right. I did tell someone just the other day that my ideal relationship would be a live-in-boyfriend kinda thing. That I was screwed with marriage before and wouldn't jump into it too fast again. But I'm still strongly against the cheating part. I'm good at resisting desire and lust, just ask all the guys I send to voicemail!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


Wow can you believe it, I've posted 200 blogs to date?!

Why'd I start? I accidentally came across NYCWD's blog one day. I must say I was rather surprised to read that he actually had a personality. The guy I saw sitting across from me everyday, screaming at me for doing things the less favored way, actually had a soft side. The more I read, the more I liked. Then I began to wonder... Would I better cope with the stresses of the day if I began to blog?

Blogging was fairly new to me. I've written in personal journals before and after the 3rd or 4th entry lost interest in it, but for some reason this blog has stayed strong for nearly two years now. I've had alot happen to me in that time. Had it not been for my blog... I'd probably be in the "G" building with padded walls.

So a special thanks to NYCWD for inspiring me to bitch about everyone and everything that pisses me off, so I can remain the peaceful redhead who nods and smiles at the world then later throws them into my word bank. Special thanks to the few people who have for whatever reason actually find my blog entertaining. It's like finding your sister's diary, isn't it?!
And finally a special thanks to blogger for keeping my shit up here for the world to read and keeping me interested in more than just my usual 3 or 4 entries.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Drunk Dialing

It's 6:45 am and I'm suddenly awoken by my ringing cell phone. I was reluctant to answer, besides not recognizing the telephone number I told myself that if the person on the other end really knew me, they'd know I should be sleeping. So... I let it go to voicemail.

10 minutes later the annoying dinger alerts me to let me know I have a new message. Here's how it went:

Nick: Hey Lisa its Nick. Whats up?
Guy #1: No Answer?
Nick: I'm returning your call. Yo, I'm here at my boys house and uh, we're inviting you over to like chill and stuff. It's uhh (speech slurring)
Guy #1: (in background shouting) 6:45.
Nick: Yeah it's 6:45. Call me when you get this message ok? So we can uhh chill and hang out at my boys house, k?

...Here's when it really gets interesting:

Nick thinks he ended the call, little did he know... Its still recording.

(in the back)

Nick: Yo man this shits really getting to me.
Guy#2: Yeah ya think?!
Nick: What the F*ck did you put in my drink?
Guy#1: Yo anyone got one for Al?
Nick: Yo I'm gonna try my chick Lisa. I'm gonna try my chick. I'm tired of you being the F*cking super hero!
Guy#1: I can get in my car and go to the airport.
Nick: No I'm gonna try Lisa. Here call her back. (hands guy #1 phone)
Guy#1: Yo she's on the phone.
Nick: What? (takes phone back). Lisa, Lisa are you there? (to guy#1) She's not there.
Guy#1: She must've called back.
Nick: Call her I dont give a F*ck.

Uhh.. did he tell someone I was his chick?! Aww

Of course I never called back. Who knows what the hell was going through their heads. I really would've liked to have taken advantage of him and seen what he was offering. There's nothing better than hot sloppy drunken sex :P
I didn't though, I just wanted to know he made it home safe after all that.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Birthday Drama

Ok It's official. I hate my birthday! It's full of disappointment and broken dreams. Obviously it didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. I'm a hopeless romantic that's been left feeling hopeless. Is it too much to ask for the whole package? A good heart, great sense of humor, honesty, strong sex drive and remembers birthdays?

I guess I was still in fairytale mode and hoped my prince charming would swoon me. I secretly wanted to walk in to work tonight and find flowers on my desk. I wanted a copy of Post Secret with a post-it saying the sender wished to his identity to remain a secret. I wanted him to ask me what I wanted so I can tell him... tell him that he's all I want. Him wrapped up in a bow for me to hold onto all night long.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Cant wait to die!

Wanna plan your death? Can you believe they actually sell casket's on! But the funniest part is reading the reviews!
Product Reviews
Overall Rating: Overall Rating 5 out of 5
Great Casket!!!, Nov 5, 2007 from Pine Bluff, AR
We buried Uncle Joe in this casket last Spring. You won't go wrong on this one. Beautiful ebony exterior, and luxurious velvet within. And roomy? Heck yes! Uncle Joe was not a small man, by any means. But we were able to fit him and three cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon (his favorite) into the casket without any problem whatsoever. In fact, I liked this casket so much, I just bought one for myself. Now, I can't wait to die!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Happily Ever After

I don't normally write about movies here on my blog, but yesterday Ang and I took our little princesses to see Enchanted the movie. It's really been a while since any classic worthy material has been created by Disney. With the new age came new technology that made it easier to create and animate movies in a relatively short amount of time. In 2004 Disney closed their animation studios in Florida leaving more than 250 animators without work. Since then, I cant recall seeing a single "old fashioned" animated movie created by Disney. I could be wrong, remember I dont get out very often. Nonetheless, the creators of Enchanted found a rather brilliant way to incorporate good old fashioned animation with tangible warm blooded characters.

not only enchanted me with the pretty colors on the big screen, but more importantly fed my need for a romantic tale. I wont go too far into details but I definatly recommend anyone with a thirst for romance and happy endings see it. It's so easy for us to get caught up in the craziness of the world today and want to protect our feelings. We sorta put up this invisible barrier not wanting to grant anyone access to our hearts. Our fear of heartache and need for protection prevents us from falling into a G rated fairytale love.

One quote in particular stands out in my mind though. At one point the evil witch attempts to prevent the princess from marrying the prince and throws her into a dark hole where she tells her she's going to a place where there are no "happily ever afters". Can you guess where she ends up? New York City! From what I've observed she's right. A place where divorce rates are steadily climbing and infidelity is more common than monogamy, not just locally but internationally. While I should realize that this is reality, I cant help but hold on to the hope that their all wrong and my prince will come rescue me too.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Giving Thanks

With today being Thanksgiving and all I've decided it's only appropriate to give thanks. Since there's really no cool way to roll between each, i'll use the bullet post idea.

Thank you:

  • For allowing me to overcome my personal illnesses with few complications.
  • For being able to spend another wonderful year with the ones I love.
  • For giving me the opportunity to challenge myself intellectually.
  • For the wonderful support network I've had all year long.
  • For having someone to share my heart with once again.
  • Being able to spend another year with the ones I love.

I used to be a very religious person and give thanks daily. Now however I find it rather easy to get distracted. Before you know it a holiday sneek's up on ya' and you realize its been an entire year since you've verbalized your gratitude.

Have a Happy Turkey Day!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Lil' Angels

Ask me what I love most about my job and I'll tell you saving lives. What I dislike the most however is watching helplessly as some lose their battle. Sometimes no matter how hard I pound on someone's chest or breath air into their lungs, there's just no fighting God's will.

Nothing touches my heart more than watching a child being taken from their parents. While some lose their battles with illnesses, others are mere victims of fate. I've never told anyone this before but my kids and I used to gather at a local sporting club on weekends to swim, but since Watchdog's tragedy we've neither gone to the pool nor the beach. Now I of all people should realize that we cant predict or prevent tragedy, but how do we deal when a child is stricken with something like cancer?

On Saturday my neighbor, little Samantha lost her battle with cancer. When most of her graduating kindergarten class were celebrating with parties and such, she was burying her mother whom lost her battle with a lifelong illness. The "miracle child" her grandma called her, stayed strong despite it all and strived through elementary school. Suddenly one day she was struck with a rather complicated illness which was later diagnosed as leukemia. Still as she endured daily chemo treatments she greeted me every morning with a smile as she left in her ambulette. As the days turned into months, she progressively worsened and could no longer walk. The only wheels she'd ever have under her feet again were that of her child sized wheel chair.

While most of my experience only allows me the chance to spend and hour or so at the most with these little angels, the impact they leave on the lives of those around them lasts a lifetime. I wont take another moment for granted. Tonight hug the ones you love a little tighter and hold them a little closer... for you may not have another opportunity.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


The Lovers
The Lovers represent a powerful union and the harmony of opposites. It represents the combining of two elements to create an even greater entity. This card often represents the formation of a new relationship or the strengthening of a current one. Love can come your way at anytime. There are difficult decisions to be made and conflict may arise when temptation and desire overcome morals and ethics.

Chuck E Please

On our ride home from Chuck E Cheese with the girls, Ang and I had a conversation that I keep pondering. She mentioned how she'd never date another hispanic man because they all cheat. K, I don't know of one whom hasn't, but still wont give into my latin passion. Then later she mentioned that she's starting to come to the realization that all men cheat. Some get caught while other's don't. Some relationships end while others overcome or even support the swingers lifestyle.

Then I began asking myself, If I would've accepted this lifestyle, where would I be today? Would I still be in my 1/2 acre ranch home in Florida? Would I still be with one of the other otherwise decent guys that just couldn't stay faithful? Where exactly would I be and would I be happy? Sure having wild and passionate sex with a stranger sounds appealing, but call me old fashioned I'd rather it stay between the man I chose to spend my life with rather than someone else with some other communicable disease that I'd be bringing home to my family.

To be honest though, I really doubt now that I'd let something like a one time affair end a relationship with someone I really loved. Sure I'd be heart broken if I were on the receiving end, but if there was enough invested in the relationship, wouldn't it be worth saving?

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Bullets and Vibes

No you perv's, I'm not talking about the stuff you see in that Adam & Eve catalog. I'm sitting here staring at the blinking cursor, wanting to find something to motivate me to write today. Since I just cant decide on one topic, I'll adopt WatchDog's bullet post idea and throw together a bunch of random shit to tickle and tease you.

  • Dating as a single parent certainly has it's challenges, but dating a fellow single parent is about as easy as trying to end world hunger. We never get to see each other and it's really starting to get to me.
  • Thanksgiving is creeping up quickly. Along with that comes my birthday which I never look forward to. I'm always secretly hoping someone would do something spectacular and blow my world away, but instead find myself disappointed and blogging.
  • I've decided to try a weight loss regime again. I don't care if the guys I date think I look ok, I don't! I'm not one to ask for their approval anyways!
  • I need a vacation. Other than my brief stays in the CCU, I haven't taken time off for nearly 2 years.
  • I'm 5 months into my 6 month recovery stage from my last PE and still haven't seen an improvement in my lung function. In fact the past week or so I've seen a pretty significant decline. I need to call my DR, but need someone to remind me. Believe it or not, I don't always think about myself.
And that boys and girls was a brief synopsis of whats going through the mind of a mad woman this evening. Stick around, I'm hoping to use this method and the idea behind PostSecret to reveal some rather random and interesting facts about me.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

'Nuff Said

Do you believe in fortunes and stuff? I added an application on Crackbook that gives you daily tarot card readings as well as horoscopes. It's been getting kinda creepy though. Sure most of the time, I've seen the statements so generalized that they could probably apply to even my 6yr old daughter, but these lately have been kinda freaky.

You might be in charge, but that doesn't give you the right to work other people beyond their capacities. Try not to become intimate with your co-workers. A strong attraction may be there, but it should not be acted upon. Your love life will improve if you get out and enjoy the company of friends and relatives."

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


What do you say when someone asks you how your doing? Do you give the standard, "fine thank you" or do you give them an ear full? Why do we ask how someone's doing if we really don't care what their reply is anyway? Maybe it's just the my up bringing (which is far from perfect), or my morals, but even If I don't care... I'll still ask.

I'll admit however that sometimes I find myself answering questions about myself and not politely returning the question. Maybe I just don't care too much for the questions being asked, or maybe I just don't care to hear your reply. I don't give a shit what you had for breakfast and when you had your last bowel movement so please don't ask me, K?!

It's quite possible that I'm just PMS'ing right now and can look back at this post next week and laugh, but tonight I'll leave you with that shit on your plate.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

5yr plan

Beware: I've been thinking alot again lately. First my annual evaluation at work went quite well. With the timing & Bipolar being fired, I honestly was quite concerned but apparently had no reason to be. I'm a pretty straight forward person. If you have a problem with me, tell me. I'll fix it! Anyway, I'm told I keep a low profile. Apparently so low that the damn president and half the managers don't know my name?! Do I give a shit? Of course not. Keeping a low profile probably isn't a bad idea in that place. But if you ask me to reach out more frequently to them, then I'll do it. The one thing I found most useful however during my meeting was a comment Jeff made about my reply to the "where do you see yourself in 5 yrs" question. I gave him the politically correct "furthering my education to advance my opportunities" answer that any boss would expect to hear, his reply however is what has me thinking.

Jeff suggested that I reconsider my wishes and make sure I'm doing it because I really want it for me, not for any other reason. Is he for real? He's seriously asking me to think some more?!

Ask me now where I want to be in 5 yrs and... I'll tell you otherwise. I want to be as far away from NYC as possible. I want a family again, someone to wake up next to in the morning. Walk to the other end of our Victorian style home to cook Sunday morning breakfast. The kids must've smelled the bacon cooking as they stumble in and offer a hand in the kitchen... So and and so forth.

More than a career, more than furthering my education, more than anything else... I want love and the lifestyle back again. I'll need to sit down and consider just how to make this happen. Unfortunately its not as simple to shop for a companion as it is to apply to a school dropping an application and $25 fee in the mail.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Wake Up Call

Allow me to paint a pretty picture in your head.

The alarm clock goes off, as usual I beg for mercy and press the snooze button. 5 minutes later it goes off again and I realize I need to get my ass out of bed to get the kids to school on time. I sit up and start my day like I do every morning, walking with one eye barely open, as I leave my room and head to the bathroom to pee. Along the way I pass my living room with brand new ashley leather sofa's and a BUM sleeping on them?!

WTF?! Am I dreaming or did I really just see the same homeless guy who begged me for some change in front of dunkin donuts sleeping on my sofa? Hang on, let me wipe my ass and go back in there. Yes, it's true! Apparently my brother says he was out with him last night and felt bad that he had no where to go. With it being cold and raining he agreed to let the bum sleep on my sofa, without my consent!

See mom... I'm telling you I don't beat the crap out of my little brother for no reason!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Your Fired

I started bitching and blogging about how upset I am with him right now, but then was interrupted by a phone call from Bipolar. Apparently our company decided to "eliminate" his position as my supervisor. I must say he had to have seen if coming though. Seriously, we've watched in awe as nearly half of the supervisors and managers were handed their walking papers in recent months. When the advertisement for Dispatch Supervisor was posted, I immediately knew better than to apply. They're famous for hiring people to help fix things and like the greedy people they are, will drop your ass as soon as they feel they can take control. So what was the incentive for Bipolar to accept the position? A measly $1! Yup you've got it, one whole dollar and three times the work.

I could say I told him so. Seeing as I warned him prior, but he's my friend and I kinda feel for him.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

A Groovy Kinda Love

Ever love someone so much that you'd do anything for them? Would you do something totally spontaneous like fly 1000 miles to help him/her?
Ok, so your probably wondering how my road trip went with Nick. I couldn't possibly have gone any better.
It started rather rough with my flight being delayed 2 hours, which made my brief sightseeing tour run through the dark hours of the night. Nonetheless the trip was full of wonderful surprises and two goof-balls having a blast. When the jokes grew old we spent a few hours talking about our personal situations and reminiscing about childhood in the hood, and then as always ending it with smiles and our famous hugs.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Road Trip

I did it! I told Ray off so hopefully he'll stop leaving me all those nasty comments on myspace, but more importantly I told Nick yes! I'm flying out tonight and should arrive in Atlanta around 10-ish. I'm so excited. Nick and I always have a good time together, if I could only choose one friend to be with me through a difficult time, I'd have to choose him. We both have gone through so much recently and have been the only person we could be completely honest to without conviction. We always seem to get caught up like two kids rolling in the mud in their church clothes and then return home to mom's questioning.

Anyway I'll be leaving here around 5pm, should hopefully be back tomorrow afternoon. If all goes well I'll be back to blog about it later in the day. If for some reason I'm not back, it's safe to assume we were arrested for some lewd and lascivious behavior on I-95.

Monday, October 15, 2007


How do you do it? How do you see countless lives torn apart. Babies born too early, mom's and dad's, brother's and sister's that'll never come home? How do you see pain and heartache everyday and lay your head on your pillow at the end of it all expecting to fall asleep?!

When you find the secret, please share!


900 miles and 14 hours! That's how long it'll take Nick and I to get back to NY from Atlanta. That leaves a whole lot of in between time for the two of us to get caught up.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Road Rage

So I get a letter in the mail today from the Dept of Motor vehicles advising me that I failed to respond to a ticket issued to me for what they label as improper use of a cell phone while driving. WTF?! I was issued a ticket in July for allegedly talking on my phone while driving. I didn't feel I should've been ticketed in the first place, however I have total respect for authority so I took the ticket rather than starting a riot, and did what I was instructed to do. I mailed the ticket in with my not guilty plea and requested a court date. So why three months later do I get a letter in the mail telling me that my drivers license will be suspended by the end of the month unless I either pay or appear in person to request a hearing? Asswipes... I did what I was supposed to do! So needless to say I'll be spending an entire day in the DMV office sometime this week.

Speaking of driving. I'll be taking a bit of a road trip with Nick this week. Last month when he went back to Atlanta he took his car with him wanting to return and accept a transfer back home. Being back home full time however began to once again cause some tension so he'll be coming back to NY. He's asked me to help him make the drive back, so he'll be flying me out there and we'll drive back together...eventually. I must say I'm quite excited I love long road trips and it'll give us the opportunity to catch up on lost times. We've got lots of catching up to do which is why he says he couldn't think of anyone else he'd rather be stuck with... aww I feel so loved :P

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Look Out Below

Sometimes I wonder If I should toughen up some more. Lets face it with my occupation, I've learned to suck things up and keep moving. But why with relationships do I like to keep things civil after the breakup? This is certainly not as much of a problem for me as it is for some of the guys I've dated. Seriously guys If we're no longer together it was either because you were either unfaithful, non trustworthy or just plain old disrespectful, with the exception of the captain, where we just mutually agreed to end it for more difficult reasons. So tell me why? Why do I get text messages and myspace comments from your ass 6 months later telling me that you miss me and think of me often? Why do you invite me to come over knowing that I'll say no just like every other time? Why cant you just understand that I have no intentions of being with you again and need to move on?!
Seriously, It's driving me to the point where I'll explode and it wont be pretty. I don't wanna be nice and lead them to believe there's hope, when in a reality I really wouldn't mind if they dropped off the face of the earth!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Simplified Beauty

Ever stop to really notice how beautiful life is? Seriously. Living in the city we have just about everything we could ever need within a 5 mile radius. Need a hospital? In NYC we've got plenty. Have a taste for some exotic cuisine? Yep we've got all of them too! What you don't find here very often though, is nature and it's simplified beauty. Spending these past few days driving to and from Rockland County has certainly fed my fascination of nature. The leaves turning with the season, the deer hoping not to be disturbed, the mountains and the way the clouds braze the very top of them... who could ask for anything more beautiful that the sun's rays reflecting over the hudson river?! I could! I would ask for a home out there to enjoy it all on a regular basis. Seriously, I've built rapport with the staff of Rockland County Sheriffs office and have been certified with their 911 operators, damn I've even got certification from the National Crime Information Center. I'm fairly confident I could get decent employment if I ever wanted to...

Gives me yet another thing to think about. Besides, with all signs of the fall of my current company, it may be wise to start thinking outside the box.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

I've got one monster of a headache this morning. I don't know whether to crawl back into bed or seek help. It started last night at work, now it's becoming almost unbearable. So much so, that I don't feel like staying online which for me is pretty rare.

Anyway, hope you have a good day!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

I'm never comfortable with the idea of watching someone I care for go through something alone. We've all had our fair share of personal battles. Had it not been for my friends and family supporting me through my own, I'd probably be a big mess.
I wish I could say the magic words and make things all better, but the truth is this time I have very little control. This particular physical problem is not as bad as the psychological impact it leaves. So although I cant help heal him, I can at least do my best to bring my Smiley back!

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Bad news to the parent's that swear on Dimetapp to modify your child's behavior. The Feds are on ya! Apparently they think it's a bad idea?!

What a surprise?!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

If you could wave a magic wand and suddenly have the life you've always wanted, what would it look like?

There are many popular games on the market that allow you to do just that; create a lifestyle of your choice. You can build a house to live in, choose a career and eventually settle down and have a family if you wish to do so.

What makes these games so popular? See, in life we may think we have total control of these things, but the truth is we don't. Sometimes we lose our jobs, the ones we love leave and other not so pleasant things may happen.

I'm gonna wave a magic wand and make my wish.

I'd wish for a lake front home with a wrap around porch. The kids playing touch football in the back yard while I bake in my humongous kitchen. I finally have a pretty good idea of who I'd like to share it all with too, but I'll save that for a later post.

I guess I mention this because of all the time I've been spending alone lately. I have four days a week off from work now which unfortunately happen to be school days. The kids are away at school and rather than watch Jerry Springer I sit and think about whats really important in life and where I want to be. The last thing I want is to look back 10 years from now and wonder where my life went.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

My Baby You

My life's full of freaky surprises but yesterday when my daughter and I were listening to a favorite song of mine from Marc Anthony, My Baby You, we noticed something weird at the very end of the song. Although I've listened to this song hundreds of times before, I never noticed at the end however that he makes reference to his daughter Arianna and her making him feel so alive.

Take a listen:

When the walls around me seem to be caving in and the future is uncertain, My daughter's Arriana and Gabriella remind me of the true meaning of love. I will soothe them if they right there if they call. They're My greatest love of all!

Friday, September 21, 2007

How Accurate is This?

K, I took one of those survey things about my personality on Facebook and this is what it told me:

dependent Personality Disorder

You think you have dependent personality disorder

You need to be taken care of. You can`t make even small decisions without consulting someone else first, and letting them take responsibility for the consequences. If a close relationship ends, you urgently seek another, because how else can you take care of yourself alone? You will volunteer to do the most horrible tasks just to show how grateful you are to your close friends for being there for you.

Do you think its possible to be too nice for your own good? I cant begin to tell you how many times I've heard someone tell me that I shouldn't allow myself to be so freely available. With experience I've learned to seize the moment and take advantage of an opportunity. Especially seeing that very often tomorrow never comes.

I should've told my job I couldn't come in to work last night when they called me for a last minute opening. I should've stayed in my PJ's browsing CrackBook , But then again I wouldnt have had the awesome night I did either. Am I really supposed to play hard to get just to stay home alone and be miserable again?! ...Doesnt sound like very good advice if you ask me! If someone needs me tonight and I technically have the ability to make it happen, then why not do it? It's all way too complicated...I never was good at following rules anyway!

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Worst Patients

Why do health professionals make the worst patients?

Seriously, I've heard it time and time again and have to agree. Look at me, I'd rather shoot myself up with Heparin injections than to spend another day in the hospital.

Another thing that bothers me occasionally is the stupid advice people have come to ask us. The calls for someone with chest pain that just wants to know if his blood pressure is elevated and refuse medical attention either way. The gastric tubes that wait till 2am to fall out and finally the ambulance calls for someone with a toothache. WTF?!

Anyway I mention this because tonight, as I got out of the shower and nice and comfy in my PJ's, my dad called me. I could tell by the tone of his voice something was really wrong. Mom was having chest pain and breathing difficulties. "Damn Mom! I just got ready for bed", I replied. Mom's famous for being a drama queen, so I proceed to ask the appropriate questions and could pretty much rule out any dangers. Just to be sure I took her vitals, hooked her up with some o2 and gave her some Nitro. 45 minutes later she's feeling fine, sound asleep and I can return to blogging in my PJ's. Would I recommend this to anyone else? Absolutely not! I wouldn't let them refuse attention and would certainly use all my power to convince them to get checked out by someone who really knows what the hell their doing. So why cant I follow my own advice?

Monday, September 17, 2007

Nothing like a call from your DR in the middle of the day telling you to rush your ass over to see him. Apparently I've hit an all time low with my coumadin level being down to a 1.2 even though I've been taking my meds on schedule as promised.

After being lectured and my words once again being dis-trusted I left with an awful feeling in my stomach. I'm sick of being sick. When I got news like this in the past I'd get emotional and break down as I ultimately haul my ass over to the hospital for treatment. Tonight however I feel different, I feel nothing at all. No fear, no concern, just wanting to be left alone. I know where I should be right now, and its certainly not blogging. My body is defenseless against embolism's now and I cant help but feel disconcerned.

I hate writing depressing post's like this. Seriously. I have a handful of readers that for whatever reason read these thoughts that I otherwise wouldn't have shared with anyone. I try hard not to conceal my true thoughts in person or get anyone else involved in my personal battles. Even some of my closest friends have no clue what's going on in my head. For you my readers welcome to my dark side!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Should Be A Mess, But Not

Sometimes in life we make decisions we later wish we didn't. If I could go back in time, sure I'd probably change a few things I've done but for the most part I don't regret anything. I've spoken to quite a few people that have been concerned about me. At first I was frustrated that they were bothering me, wishing they didn't know, but now I've come to appreciate their concern. Seriously, I'm fine! This has surely been one hell of a year! In all reality I probably should be a mess, but I'm not. Instead I've been thinking about my future and where I'd like to be in a few years.

I'd like to have my own place again by the end of the year. Sure living with mom and dad and saving a few bucks can be nice, but I've gotta move on and live a normal life again. Next would be going back to finish school. I'm famous for starting shit and not finishing, but school needs to be made a priority. Finally... who do I share it all with? I cant begin to tell you how many times I've heard things like "your a sweetheart" or "you don't need a man to make you happy". Yeah OK... Thanks Dr Phil!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Whats up Doc?!

I'm on my way to work today to take my EVOC roadtest when suddenly I get a call. Much to my surprise It was my doctor's office calling to ask me to come in right away.

Doc reluctantly agreed to wait until after the test to see me. Apparently my last round of blood work came back a bit screwy. My coumadin levels have dropped to an unsafe level once again. WTF? I'm taking my meds (well... that one at least) & eating what I should be. So why the changes again? Seriously, If my body were to throw another embolism my way, I'd have no defense right now. Guess I'd better cancel my plans for the night...the last thing I need is to spend another week in the hospital :(

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Beach is Officialy Closed for the Season

You've watched the sunrise and sunset.

Hope it was entertaining for you at the least! ...Now you guys owe me a movie ticket!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Go Back

Ever wish you could go back in time and make things right or do something differently? I've probably mentioned this about a million times, but I have a conscience that works overtime. When I do or say something, I do it with the intentions of causing as little pain as possible. In fact after consideration I decided to rewrite this post.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

150 & Counting

Ok, today boys & girls is a rather special day in the blogosphere. Today I celebrate my 150th post here on my blog. I'd like to take a moment to thank all my readers for finding my bitching entertaining. Luv Ya! Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketToday also just so happens to be Thursday, and what are Thursday's famous for?

Thats right today I get to bitch about everything and everyone who's crossed my path. Lets start with my promise to discuss my Stupid-visor, lord knows I keep my promises. This week Stupid-visor decided to take yet another vacation to sit at home and be depressed about not having a life. What does he do when he came back mid-week to check on things? He calls me at 6am asking where an assignment was that should've been completed by an ECRO. Asshole, I wasn't the ECRO last night. I dispatched! Call your stupid-visor and ask him who he gave the assignment to. Its not my fault you sorry excuses cant get your shit straight. Don't alert me at 6am, and don't send me 6 emails (on the company email system that I shouldn't be checking on my days off anyway) telling me you're gonna call me in a minute to discuss this. I didn't take the $1 raise you did and all the responsibilities that come along with it! So... FOAD!

Next in line? Touro college, step right up! I was enrolled in the Nursing program and one requirement was that I maintain at least a "B" average for the first semester. In one class in particular, not even a nursing class I might add, a got a "B-". What screwed me was that the class was only offered once a week and I missed 2 classes of the 6 week semester when I was in the hospital. At first the professor told me not to worry too much, that if she felt I was in jeopardy of falling behind, she'd offer assistance. Surprise, she didn't! Instead she bitched that more than half the class too were failing. Umm, I don't know about you but I see this as a major dent in the schools plans. Now half their nursing students will have to wait till next summer to retake the class and continue on, if they haven't already decided to transfer out like I am. So to Touro College...I offer a big $7,000 a semester FOAD!

Ahh, this certainly is therapeutic.

Ok my final FOAD goes out to... ironically, WTF happened to the site? I suppose this means I'll have to actually read everyones blogs for their FOAD shouts?!

Oh well... Happy FOAD'ing!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Shut up & Go to Bed

Ever stop to look around you? Seriously, stop. Look at your kids and see them for what they are now, not what you remember them being. My oldest daughter is 10 now and is growing to be quite a cutie. The little one, well she's suddenly 6 and growing into her chubby little frame. My daughters are beautiful. No matter how mean these city streets can be, I pray they'll always be like they are now, my angels!

...been doing alot of thinking lately. I've got all this free time on my hands and nothing to do with it.

Ok, I'm tired as hell and doing that blabbing before bed stuff again, aren't I? You can close the page if you want to or just lay here in bed until we both talk each other to sleep. C'mon I'm a good listener.

I'll have a special FOAD tomorrow for my stupid-visor whom doesn't seem to grasp the whole 'I'm off duty so leave me the f*ck alone idea'. Thanks alot ass for waking me up at 6am and pretty much ruining my entire day! Hopefully I'll wake up on the better side tomorrow and end the day with a bang... quite literally of course ;)


Monday, September 03, 2007

Where'd Yesterday Go?

Damn, time flies. Tomorrow is not only the first day of school for the kids, but also my baby's 6th birthday. I cant believe this summer went by so quickly. I sorta feel guilty for not being able to celebrate it like we usually do. Most summers we fly out of town and either visit FL or have come here to NY. The Friday nights at Coney Island to see the fire works on the beach, the trips to Riis Beach, goofing around at the pool every afternoon, the late night Carvel runs in our PJ's. We missed it all. This summer I was so caught up in school and other things. Now look... before I knew it, it was all gone. Oh well, the beaches may no longer be legally open, but I've got some catching up to do.

Wow.. Thinking even further, these past 6 years seemed to fly even faster. Seems like just yesterday I was chasing Gabby around the house.

Happy Birthday Baby!

...Another boring night at work.

Sunday, September 02, 2007


Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing at all. Not calling him everytime I think of him. Not wishing I was with him. Giving him the space he needs. Doing nothing...

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday the girls and I went to a waterpark to celebrate my daughters 6th birthday. I've gotta pat myself on the back, I think I'm a pretty damn cool mom. It doesn't take much to convince my kids to go on the scary water rides that even some of the adults chickened out on, and not too many parents can laugh off half the stuff we do. My daughters truly are and always will be my best friends and reason for waking up each and everyday.

Then of course the day ended much like it has for the past three years, with me having to leave them with Granny while I go to work. Only, last night I agreed to work on the road with Smiley. I had a great time too, we laughed just about all night cracking cheesy jokes at one another. I really enjoy breaking out of my normal routine and going on the road. If they'd give me the opportunity I'd do it everyday rather than dispatching.

One call in particular had me thinking last night though. We got a call for an elderly woman whom had an episode of choking prior to our arrival, but her daughter wanted her to be checked out anyway. Mom was 91 years old, blind and unable to function on her own. Her daughter, whom was at least 50 herself, had dedicated her entire life to caring for her mom. No husband, no children...just the two of them (which I might add is very uncommon for religious Jews as they were). After doing my assessment, I determined mom's lungs were clear & her vitals were stable and agreed to go the extra distance to their hospital of choice some 20 miles away in the city.

In those 20 miles, while mom slept comfortably, the daughter began to express her emotions and discussed her fears earlier in the evening. As her mom was simply having difficulty coughing, she honestly thought her mom was choking. She admitted to straddling her on the bed doing the Heimlich maneuver and praying that God wouldn't take her mom from her. Luckily he didn't this night... but what about tomorrow?

After the call was over, my greatest mommy buzz was gone. Replaced with worry for the daughter. What would she do if she ever really did lose her mom? Would she become one of the psych's or the dysfunctions that I deal with too?

You dedicate your entire life to serving someone else... and then they leave, sometimes unexpectantly.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Ok, I probably picked a really bad time, but I think successfully weaned myself off my heart meds. Seems like many people are choosing to turn their backs to me lately including my cardiologist. This week we were supposed to discuss slowly discontinuing my beta blockers, but since he's not around anymore and I don't want any new quack messing with me, I decided to do it myself. I'll be honest, there were some nights I was really uncomfortable and weren't sure I'd wake up. Now however, I'm feeling better with the exception of being in a real bitchy mood. Still... not in the mood for FOAD's tonight, sorry.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Ok I finally decided to post some blogs I was keeping private. Now, I use blogging as a way to deal with my everyday problems not entertainment for anyone else. If I wanna bitch and complain about being ejected from the nursing program or some ass that pissed me off at work, this is where I'll do it. Why anyone else would be interested in hearing any of it is beyond me, but there'll be no more holding back on my part.

Monday, August 27, 2007

I spent the entire evening writing a blog for tonight, but I'm not posting it. Sorry to disappoint you, seems I've been doing plenty of that lately. Anyway, I just don't feel the same as I did 2 hours ago. I'm hoping that this is an emotion that will be short lived, but much like drunk dialing (or drunk blogging in my case) What I say about how I feel now, may not reflect how I feel in the morning.

I'll get back at 'cha, k?!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

I'm Sorry

Sometimes in life we do things we regret. I try not to hold regrets, mainly because each has taught me a valuable lesson and has made me stronger. Now however, I feel weaker than ever. My kindness and wanting to help people through tough times has backfired in my face. I know at this point there's probably nothing I can say to make things right again, but please know... I'm sorry!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

They Do Exist

Would you consider being emotional a weakness? I've never told anyone this but on a regular basis I feel some very real cardiac symptoms at the onset of stressor's. I can deal with the stress of work just fine, its emotional stress that seems to take its toll on me. In fact the morning I was first carried away from my office in Tachycardia my divorce papers lay on top my desk for me to sign.

In my experience in the health care industry, I've heard of people dying of broken hearts but never until I've experienced my own have I truly believed it to be true. A recent study at Johns Hopkins confirms my fears, but offers hope too.

Two weeks ago I found myself in the hospital once again feeling some distress after learning that someone wasn't being completely honest with me. It broke my heart and the mold I envisioned. Still after that, I wasn't prepared for what I was told tonight.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

I know that traditionally, with today being Thursday and all your probably expecting me to bitch and shout off my FOAD's. Today however I'm gonna write about all the great friends I have(real ones not myspace ones) that help turn my frown upside down regularly.

Last night I was stuck dispatching all night rather than studying for my psych final and getting some sleep. When my shift ended I was rather disappointed by a broken promise from Nick. But as soon as soon I stepped out of the office I was greeted by some morning staff whom I haven't seen in quite some time. I must say, somehow in all the mess in my mind I completely forgot how long its been since I've seen some of them. Then on my ride home I began to think about what we discussed in psych class. When we're going through difficult times, we often seek something or someone to make us feel better. Its part of a healthy healing process.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Feeling under the Weather

In literary works, rain typically symbolizes change. Although we're not being slammed with a hurricane like Mexico is, it has been cold and wet here in NY for the past two days. Hopefully its just the gloomy weather that has me feeling blue. I still cant help but feel like there's some changes that I'll have no choice but live with soon.