Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

I wanna start by wishing every one a Merry Christmas. Today as your gathered around your loved ones, take a moment to really soak in the true meaning of the holidays.

To me Christmas is about taking even just a brief moment to let the ones you truly care about know just what they mean to you. Sure we'll get loads of gifts we didn't ask for that we'll probably re-wrap and give away to cousin Paul next year. But for now, just being surrounded by my family is all I could've asked for. Sure I could've asked for a new digital camera to replace the one that fell in the toilet, or maybe an I-pod to keep my fat ass motivated at the gym. But that's not what really matters to me.

I'll be honest. I spent most of my day yesterday crying. On what would've been my 7th wedding anniversary, as I put the finishing touches on my divorce papers, all I could think about is all the disappointment from years past. This year I decided to make a change. I'm not getting out of my PJ's today, instead I'll spend the rest of this holiday putting together the kids toys and cooking one hell of a dinner for us. Maybe I'll share a drink or two with Grandma as we watch "A Christmas Story" for the 10th time, or perhaps a few episodes of "Orange County Choppers" with Grandpa, but at least I can honestly say, I enjoyed myself this holiday season.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

FOAD, the X-Mas edition

I wrote so many blogs in my head last night before bed, and now I cant think of anything to write. Ok so for now I'll stick to the damn holiday songs that play over and over, that make me want to throw my damn radio out the window.

I remember the days when I loved holiday music. But those days are now long gone. They've been replaced with depression. The feeling of loss I feel when I look back at the holiday pictures I took from the years past. The feeling of emptying out my bank account purchasing gifts for family and loved ones that don't return the love. This years extra special, while I finish doing my divorce papers the right way, I'll send them with a big FOAD to all the deserting family down in FL that had no care in the world when me and my children lost our home and had no where to stay. Then have the nerve to claim that I ran away from my husband with our children without his consent. FOAD! You know damn well that none of you were willing to help. We lost our house because he stopped paying for it when he moved in with his "friend Mark" who later turned out to be his F*cking girlfriend Mary, whom might I add was first discovered by our 5yr old daughter that walked in on them in bed together. Where were you guys then?

Next... I wanna take some time to bitch about Ray. Ok lets start where the fun began, on my birthday. He forgot it, and has yet to make up for it over a month later. Prior to that he was in Boston visiting family for thanksgiving which was ok'd with me prior. As was the returning for Christmas when he asked me a few weeks ago, telling me he'd be back on Christmas Eve. I reluctantly agreed, being pissed of at him anyway. Now just this past thursday he told me he'd changed his mind and had decided to stay here with me and do something special with the kids. While I was in the girlscout party friday night at 8:50 I get a text message telling me that he's hitching a ride to Boston with his family and will be leaving at 9:00. A ten minute notice? It thats not enough yesterday he tells me that he wont be back until tuesday because the bus wont be running on Christmas day. Bull Shit!!! Im ready to cut him off.

So please forgive me for having such a bitter heart. This is an extra special time of year for me. With all this shit running through my head, I'm not exactly having "the most wonderful time of the Year".

Monday, December 18, 2006

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of year. However I know I'm not alone in saying that for me, its a rather depressing time of year. I know first hand that a lot of people get depressed this time of year. I'm one of the lucky ones to haul their asses off to the damn ER. But on a personal note, with the caroling and sipping hot cocoa in front of the Christmas tree, comes the painful reminder of all that I've lost. I once had what I felt was the ideal lifestyle. I was a stay at home mom, with 1.5 children, a dog and a house of my own. This time of year we'd be shopping at walmart for this years holiday decorations. Maybe choosing a new set of lights to adorn the roof molding and spending way too much on a new lawn decoration. But in the end seeing the house lit up every night as we pulled in from our evening outings and feeling the sense of pride that comes along with the accomplishments was indescribable. All I know is, ever since It's been taken away by the ex, its been hard to see it ever happening again. I would love to have it all back, but to get there again I would have to get remarried and to get there I would... well, have to open my heart again.

Speaking of which, I seriously almost broke up with Ray last night. I'm still upset that he hasn't made up for forgetting my birthday. Ok so maybe I did tell him that I didn't know what I wanted for my birthday, but damn that doesn't mean you should skip it all together!!! WTF? One things for sure, no relationship can possibly survive without communication. I need to tell him that I'm still upset about this, and the other issues that I have with him. I personally need to hear him say "I Love You". Throw all the BS macho-man image crap out the window and flex your heart muscle not just your biceps.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Maybe I Was Wrong

Ok maybe I was wrong, I wasn't getting any better, in fact I got worse. I don't know if it was the lack of sleep or just all the germ ridden children I was surrounded by over the weekend, but I've got a whopper of a cold. I'm still not quite over the stomach bug, but can now chug some vicks down with my pepto (yes quite tasty I must add). Anyway, I slept longer last night than I could ever remember in my life. With the exception of the 20 minutes it took me to call out sick, I slept 20 hours. Of course the kids interruppted a bit, but still 20 hours? WOW. That was some good shit!!! And honestly if I layed down again, I'd be out for a few more.

I'm forcing myself to stay up and get better though. Tomorrow night is my company Christmas party and I really , really wanna go. So, I'm putting my ass through viral boot-camp. Doing everything proven to speed up recovery of a cold. I've had chicken soup, tea, plenty of rest and all the other good stuff.

Ya know, its amazing what your mind thinks of when your under the influence (yes...even pepto and vicks cocktails). I had some pretty wild dreams. One in particular was of a person I know well, and I know that we both have a liking of rollercoasters. How we both ended up on one together and what went down later in that wild dream will have me looking at him differently for a bit. Speaking of which let me stop blabbing away and check out my work emails, make sure I still have a job after all this being sick shit. I'll check ya laters!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Doing Much Better

I made it through the weekend, and I'm starting my work week off with a 16 hour shift. Im not feeling completly better, but i'll be fine.

.... I've stared at this next empty line trying to see where to take the conversation from here, but I seem to be in a bit of a block. Im actually at work now, which obviously isnt all that difficult if I could find the time to blog. Im sorta here to answer any questions that may come up. Hopefully this is a rather un-eventful night so I can get some sleep.