Friday, August 29, 2008


The mini vacation went very well. I found out Sunday afternoon that my new schedule were to take affect immediately, which meant that this last week of summer I'd have 4 consecutive days off. With alot on my mind I decided a getaway was long over due.

We kicked off the getaway by stopping briefly at the cemetery to say hi to Dad. 4 months later and my wound still bleeds. This time in particular though, witnessing another burial in progress and seeing another family mourning their loved one renewed my pain as I wept for most of the hours that followed. I just don't get it, of all the family members I'm the toughest. I'm the one that others can consistently reply upon for helping keep you strong, but hiding inside is a little girl who still calls our to her Dad and misses him very much.

Soon after the cemetery, we did the typical girly thing and visited the outlets in Riverhead. Only problem is, I'm not like most chicks. I really don't like shopping and crowded malls so we didn't hang around there very long before leaving and getting lost finding out hotel. Eventually we found it though and settled down for the night.

The following morning we began our ride farther east. As east as you can get. Montauk Point is the very tip of Long Island and on it rest a beautiful lighthouse with a breath taking view. I've wanted to take Nick there after learning he likes the rocky shore too, so obviously he was on my mind as I hiked along the shore. Afterwards I took mom for a tour of the wineries in the Hamptons and then back to the hotel to enjoy some goofing around in the pool with the kids.

Have I mentioned how much joy I get from the profession I work in?! Well while at the pool I got to Ooooh and Ahhh the crowd as I pulled a disabled boy that accidental found himself in the deep end, or rather under it. My day wouldn't be complete without making a difference in someones life, today it just meant it would be more dramatic as the kids got to see first hand what their mommy does for a living. Ok back to the room for movies and pizza.

The following morning we woke up bright and early and headed out to the water park. The pain of walking up all them flights to reach the top of the lighthouse was present as we climbed the many stories of steps to get on the cool rides but the pain and burn was all worth it in the end.

All in all I really did enjoy myself, as did the kids and mom. It was nice to escape for a bit and end the summer off on a good note.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Savin Me

I promised you I'd be back tonight, and I am. I really wanted to share some thoughts and reflect on my mini vacation, but I'm just way too exhausted right now.

The trip had a very emotional kick off. Started off mourning my dad and soon after, I found myself saving the life of another. I'll get back to you asap to fill you in on the details, but for now I need to elevate my throbbing legs and cool my sun burnt boobs.

G'night Y'all!

Monday, August 25, 2008


As it turns out, after I make it through the next few hours here at work, I'll have 5 days off. I haven't had more than 2 consecutive days off all summer so this kinda excites me. Yeah I know, it doesn't take much to get me going. Anyway, If I'd known in advance I probably would've planned a cool trip for our last week of the summer.

It wont be a total waste though. We sat together and heard each others ideas. Gabby wanting to go to Splish Splash waterpark, Moms wanting to go to the cemetery and Arriana and I wanting to go to the lighthouse at Montauk Pointe. So... we just decided we'll do it all.

... be back Wednesday night!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

School Days

Can you believe the summers almost gone already? The kids are due back in school in a little over a week, which means every Mom in the tri-state area is busy gathering everything their little ones need to return.
I still remember those first days of school myself. Growing up in a house with 3 other siblings, I was far from spoiled. I remember having those reject shoes from that discount store or what it was like trying to play up the same three outfits in a way that no one would realize I've worn the same pants twice this week. But in doing so I came to appreciate what I had.

I'll be the first one to admit my kids are spoiled. But what parent doesn't want more for their kids than they had? I'm really excited for them, and me. While their in school I can finally spend time alone and watch my fav shows... if I could ever figure this Tivo thing out.

Take a picture, it'll last longer

This morning I came home after a really rough night at work ready to jump into the bed. Only problem was it was already being occupied by Gabby, which usually isn't a problem. The hundreds of pictures spread out around her however were. Grandma bought Gabby a locket and she was eager to put a family picture in it.

As I gathered the pictures and took a trip down memory lane I too looked for something she'd like. There were plenty of pictures of her and Arriana, but very few of me and even fewer of her Dad. Sadly enough Gabby doesn't remember much about her Dad, she once found a picture of a him in uniform and swore that it wasn't him, not remembering that he was in the military. She was too young to remember those days though. If I remember correctly, most children don't have memories before the age of 2 unless they experienced some traumatic situation. Seeing the pictures again hopefully brings some peace to her.

I really wish things didn't end the way they did. Looking at my wedding pictures, I never would've imagined it could've ended the way we did. I should've known though. The warning signs were there all along. I guess I just held onto the hope that he'd change for the sake of keeping the family together.

... I was wrong. Sometimes we need to learn that people are who they want to be, not what anyone else expects them to be.

Saturday, August 23, 2008


Friday, August 22, 2008

Keep in Prayers

Ask anyone who works in the field of EMS what kind of calls are most difficult and I'll bet you the vast majority will say pediatric calls. I'd rather be out of work for months with a strained back from lifting a 600 lb patient than to have to see another pediatric trauma. I may appear tough on the outside, but there's something about seeing an injured child crying that makes me lose my cool. I cant begin to tell you how many times I've walked in the door after work and crawled in bed with my kids, holding them tight and thanking God for blessing me.

Last year my supervisor and friend NYCWD lost his son in a drowning accident. Though his ex wife and him were trained in saving the lives of children, nothing could've prepared her for the day she'd pull her own child from the pool. Sadly DJ didn't make it that summer afternoon.

When I got a phone call this morning from Gary. I could tell by the tone of his voice that something was up. I pulled off the road (one ticket this week was more than enough for me) and braced myself for whatever it was he needed to tell me. Nick's son was hit by a truck. He said Nick was sorry he wasn't able to contact me himself right now, but would as soon as he could. He wasn't too sure of his condition but said that Nick and the family needed our prayers.

I finished my short drive home, walked in the door and lay in bed holding my child and praying for his.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Keep the Cool

I'd like to imagine that I'm a pretty cool person. Probably one of the best friends you'll ever have. But please don't take my friendly gesture for more than it really is. If I invite you into the crazy life I lead and to come along on a few outings, it doesn't mean I'm interested in being with you romantically. Truth is, I don't like being alone.

After the fall of my relationship with smiley, I chose to change partners. Like shoes, I tried on a few until I found someone that I'd feel comfortable spending my long nights with. First there was Ingrid, whom was fun at first but chasing down the scum guys got old quick. Then there were a few that just didn't know what they heck they were doing causing me to fear for my patients and even my own safety. Finally I tried on Jes' for size. How cool is a partner that watches porn while saving lives? I thought for sure we'd get along well.

Jes' is a 50 something yr old gentleman that is happily married and has kids my age. I didn't feel that he could possibly cause any kind of strain on my relationship (or whatever It was) with Nick. Jes' soon showed up everywhere though, seriously... everywhere! He started calling me all the time showing up with tennis raquet in hand, just always trying to get me to spend time off the clock with him. Fearing any unnecessary complications, I dropped him as a partner. We're still cool, but just don't want him to get the wrong idea.

Then I get this pic this morning....

Dude got a tattoo to match mine! Says he's always loved angels and is just happy to have one in his life. I felt the same once too, but now... I wish my angel were here to protect me from this crazed psycho. I know Nick will never read this, but I hope he knows just how much I miss my Angel.

It'll get Better in Time

I've been doing alot of thinking lately. It's been 7 days since I've heard from Nick. Alot has happened in that time, including his surgery. He must know I've gotta be worried sick about him, but yet somethings keeping him from calling me. The first 2 or 3 days I kinda learned with experience that he'd be busy catching up, but with 4, 5, 6 and now day 7 approaching my concern has turned to anger.

I was doing some thinking and couldn't think of any decent excuse for the lack of contact. The situation got worse when my text messages were returned to me after being timed out from being undeliverable. Every time I heard the phone ring I'd hope it was him on the other end... but it wasn't.

So how am I dealing? I spent the entire week alone cleaning and thinking. Avoiding phone calls from guys that've been trying hard to be in my life, while I push them away. Why? Because I see something in Nick that I've never seen before in a guy. Sure I've had some with a few things going for them, but they could never equal the total package I got with Nick.

Then I got to thinking about my tarot reading the other day. One thing that really stood out was her saying that he has no obligation to make me happy, nor would he want to. ..Only I can create my happiness.

She was absolutely right. I've spent my days thinking about what I could do to make others happy, but how much have I really done for myself?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


Ever wish you could go back in time and fix something you wish you hadn't done? Something totally stupid, totally careless?

I did!

I thought it would be cool to try out a darker shade of red....

Turned out it wasn't as cool as I thought. So I undid it. Thank God for a product that removes hair color if your unhappy with it. It washes away the color and reveals your natural hair color.

I'm happy with being au naturale! Lesson learned!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Doin' Me

While I cant control everything or everyone, I can control my choices. I've wanted to do some things for quite some time, and kept putting it off because of the dangers involved. But I've decided I've gotta "do me" right now.

Read Between the Cards

For weeks now a co-worker has been trying to convince me to allow her to practice her tarot reading skills on me. Granted I'm not really convinced that by reading a few strategically placed cards, you can tell me what the future holds for me. Nonetheless I still agreed. At the very least it should be entertaining.

So what did it say?

Well it starts off with you making a wish. What did I wish for? I cant tell you, not because it would be bad luck, but because... at that moment I couldn't think of just one thing I wanted. If nothing else it would be clarification, reassurance and happiness, even if it meant having to let go. I didn't wish to have him, but rather for him to have.

According to the cards, I must remain afloat while things fall into place, not rely on someone else to make me happy and most of all... I must trust. I cant worry about falling on my face, and if I do I must simply brush myself off and keep moving. See this is a major issue for me right now. The cards kinda contradicted themselves in one saying that I should remove my virtual veil and see things for what they are too. If that's so, then I can only see...

...I don't wanna go here right now. I just don't know if I can trust knowing what I've seen. Though according to the reading I must learn to. If anything, brush off and keep on. Right?!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Gonna Smile

You probably already know how much I love music. Take a look at my playlists and you'll see just how varied my taste is. Take a further look into the lyrics of my favorite songs and you'll see why I hold them close to my heart.

Today, Leona Lewis inspired me with a quote from her song "Better in Time" that's forced me to re-evaluate my current situation. Maybe instead of waiting patiently for something that was never really mine to begin with, I should simply see it for what its worth.

"Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile because I deserve to" ~ Leona Lewis - Better in time.

Monsoon Brewing

Did someone forget to tell me it was monsoon season?

I don't know maybe its just me, or maybe its just reminiscent of the storm brewing inside of me, but hasn't it rained everyday this week?! Not even just regular raining either... Power lines down, flash flooding and all.

Wanna know what I think? I think its symbolic of the storm brewing inside of me. Think I'm crazy? Your probably right! But I'm not alone. Throughout history various prominent writers have used rain as a symbolic reference to starting anew. Rain during a wedding for example wouldn't be viewed as a bad thing because it would symbolize their joining in marriage and starting a new life together. When the same wife is later laying in front of the corpse of her dead husband, the rain could then symbolize her freedom from years of marital abuse.

Ok, let me stop here. Just wanted to bring up the irony of the friggin monsoon season and my own struggle for happiness right now.

Good night Y'all!

Friday, August 15, 2008


Ugh.... some fucktard just cursed me out because I don't wanna send someone to take him for his narcotic fix. Dude goes to a different hospital every day, complains of back pain but is well enough to walk onto our bus. Why? I don't know. Maybe the excitement, maybe the buzz. Normally I don't care, take his call and send someone for his sorry ass. Tonight though since he felt the desire to call me all kinds of profanities, that same ass is where he'll sit and suffer.

...Dude's got me ready to bring out the green beast in me!

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Counting up my losses

So whats new? Well lets see... Ya win some and ya lose some, right?

Well, while I should be thrilled about getting my place, I'm kinda down about all the other loses.

Nicks gone, my sis is gone and now Ang too will be leaving me :(

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Quick Update

Sorry I haven't blogged much lately, not to say there hasn't been much going on. It's just I know my love life cant be all that entertaining to my readers, so I struggle trying to think of something else to write about. Lets see.... Without mentioning Him, what else is going on?

  • My new apartment is finally starting to feel like home. The dead cat smell and all the trash is just about gone. Now its time to start moving in!
  • I've been working my ass off at work lately. With Spyder being out for the next few weeks, I'll be able to keep from going insane missing my better half and earn some serious cash.
  • I've got some pretty awesome F*cking friends. Let me tell you. I'm used to being the one doing the helping, but having everyone pitching in to help means so much to me. I'm really touched. I'm working on a big thank you BBQ for sometime before the summers over.

Gotta get back to work now. Hope you have a good evening!!!

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Without You

I'm dying inside. I have this awkward pain that has nothing to do with the food poisoning. Its even worse. Its the pain I feel knowing that in a few days you'll be leaving and may not return.
I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant... I just cant imagine what life would be like without you.

...but I guess thats just the way the story goes!

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

If this is being Good, I dont wanna see Bad

Ironically just when I decided to follow Nick's advice and take better care of myself, things get messed up at work. With the other dispatchers either out on medical or vacation, I'm stuck helping pick up the slack. What exactly does that entitle me to? It means this week. just like last, I'll be working 72 hours.

Yesterday was my only day off and although I tried to turn Mom down nicely, I still got stuck driving her 3 hours away to NJ again, and another long dangerous 3 hours back. Usually when I get sleepy on road trips I "bug-out" to music on the I-Pod. Last night though, nothing seemed to be working. I just had too much on my mind and every song provoked an emotion. I pulled over, took a power nap and keep going till we crashed at the new house. The girls were excited to do that at the least.

Today we woke up and got to working right away, fixing up the girls room and the living room. In the end we did quite well... if you don't count Gabby, Mark and I getting food poisoning.

Sunday, August 03, 2008


A great, wonderful and wise man brought to my attention that I'm not good at being good to myself. I go days without sleep. Say yes to friends, family and co-workers more than I really should. Forget to take my medicine from time to time, and occasionally skip out on doctors appointments. Why? I'm not sure I know the answer to that.

Sometimes we need to shut up and appreciate someone else's input. When I'm called to a residence for an emergency, its my duty to observe for any signs of abuse or neglect of my patients and report it to the appropriate persons. So why cant I recognize the same for myself?

Your absolutely right. I'm being self-less.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

I got it. Now what?

Its official, I have my own place again. I should be excited about it, but to be honest its still kinda surreal. Maybe I'll feel different once I actually get to spend more than 2 hours in it, but my new apartment just doesn't do it for me.

I've got lots of cleaning and stuff to do to make it feel like home, but I'm just not feeling it right now. Why did I want this? So I could have my own space, give the kids their own, or was it because I was hoping it would help my love life? The truth is, my motivation was pretty lame. Now here I am with an apartment I'll never be in, because he cant be. The way I see it though is the next few months will either make us, or break us.

More on this subject later....