Monday, September 29, 2008

Shea Goodbye

Ok unless you live under a rock, you probably already know that the Mets blew their chance again this year. The final game at Shea stadium was awesome though, full of everything I'd expected it would be, with the exception of Marc Anthony surprising me and making an appearance to sing the national anthem. He totally threw me over the top. I was flying!

The Mets may have blew a few chances this season, but I still love them. This was the first game I attended and didnt make my walk down the ramp in victory. It really upset me to hear other so-called-fans expressing their anger and renouncing their being Mets Fans. Love is unconditional. It may not be great all the time, but making it through the rough times shows just how true it really is.

Thanks to BigDawg for making it all happen. Love ya big Bro ^_^

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Final Day

... Going to Shea to take my damn wildcard!

You've Got Mail

I was just sitting here chatting with a friend who's trying to get me to work for a hospital in Queens, looking for my resume in my email box when I came across a special collection of emails. Yes I'll admit it, I'm a dork. I saved every email we've ever sent each other.

Some made me laugh, some made me cry. But every last one reminded me of how much we've enjoyed one another. While I'm not certain of the future, our past is full of nothing but wonderful memories. I remember when the last thing I'd do before bed was send you an email and hope for a reply when I woke up. When I couldn't go more than an hour or two without stopping to see if I had a surprise waiting in my inbox. We've gone mobile now, but still very little has changed. I keep the text messages that hold special meaning to me and still reach for you when I wake up.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Yay... Shea!

So I'm sitting here all stressed out at work and shit when suddenly I get a text message from Big Dawg. Apparently his friend bailed out on him leaving him with an extra ticket to the final game at Shea Stadium. I've been trying to get my hands on tickets to this particular game for months. I'm so excited!

Friday, September 26, 2008


Ok I know I've been talking smack about Starbucks for years now. The idea of paying 5 bucks for a cup of coffee was a huge turn off for me. Two weeks ago I was sent on a special assignment at work, taking a patient to a hospital way out east on Long Island. I was craving coffee. I needed it bad! I drove for miles and all I could find was a new Starbucks along the service road. In this case, sacrificing my personal beliefs for one of those $5 cups of coffee was much more appealing than the idea of the news reporting a tragic crash involving an ambulance on the expressway.

Looking at the menu it was easy to see I wasn't part of the Starbucks clique. Do I really need to get the Starbucks for dummies just to be able to understand their damn menu?! All I wanted was a simple cup of coffee! Then like a child I was attracted to the pretty colors. They had this nifty chalkboard and on it someone drew this months featured flavor, Pumpkin Spice Latte.

My new crack...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Name Changes

I finally had the patience to wait on hold with CUNY to find out what happened to my application for re-admission. Apparently my leaving Kingsborough to follow my new husband down to the bayou confused the admission staff. After faxing some additional documents, I should be all clear to return but 4 months later than I hoped.

This morning I was listening to my favorite radio station as they discussed divorce. One of the radio personalities got the guts to publicly announce his divorce. He spoke of how miserable he'd been for years, sleeping in his car to avoid coming home, turning off his phone to avoid madness and his deep depression. I began to think about my own life before the separation too. I think the military worked quite well for us because we had a good excuse not to be together. If were not together then we cant fight, right?! When he was home though, all I asked of him was to go to church as a family just once a week. I cried my eyes out to God asking that he dealt with my husbands heart, but he still refused to join us. Richie wouldn't do anything with the Family. We'd do all the family outings alone while he stayed home and did whatever he enjoyed. When the fighting stopped and I thought things were getting better I discovered he was being unfaithful. Still I stood by my husband and prayed for better days. When he felt I was close to leaving, he'd suddenly show affection. We'd pretend things were good for a few days but before we knew it, were right back where we started again.

Even after my husband and I separated he messed with my head for years. He'd pick up the girls on weekends and say just what he knew would work at keeping my heart in his hands. Would use me and leave me again, in pain. The same pain and renewed head games kept me from allowing anyone else in. I went out on a few dates, but still couldn't commit. In the back of my head I seriously thought he was going through a phase and would soon come around. I wanted so desperately for my family to be whole again.

Thankfully years later I came to realize his love was all wrong. By no means am I placing all the blame on him. I realize now what I could've or should've done differently. I'm not one to give up on something I have my heart into, but I should've done it years ago. If he doesn't make you feel good, doesn't make you happy, doesn't make you want to tell the whole world how much you love him... then he's not the one for you. Sure we may not realize it at first, being blinded by the image of love we imagine to see. Eventually we see what love really is and recognize it never was there to begin with. If I'm lucky enough to find it again, I can only hope that my hearts not too scarred to recognize it.

Ohh yeah... back to the application for admissions and searching for the reason my name changed from Flores.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Friday, September 19, 2008

Lights & Sirens

If you care enough to keep in contact with me, you probably already know I'm in a bad mood. I've got alot going on right now and am not really good at solving problems at an instant. What I am good at though is my work.

Yesterday I was so uncomfortable that I seriously contemplated calling out, instead I worked through the pain and jumped on board. Right out of the base I was given a code one emergency for a hypotensive crisis. Great... all I imagined the entire way was the risks associated with me being involved in a high speed crash. Ironically my Dr just finished discussing the risks of my job and how I could bleed to death if I were in a major traumatic incident. Still, it didn't stop me from swerving in between cars with my lights and sirens blaring, rushing to save the day. In fact I did it a few more times yesterday as well. I did however end the day on a rather funny note. Nothing hotter than a redheaded EMT with her ass hanging out right?!

... I split my pants on my last call. LOL

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Math Sucks!

1%. That seems to be my lucky number. The number 3 has long been my favorite number, but it seems the number 1 should be instead.

The doctors told me there was a 1% chance that the procedure I had to correct my heart condition would result in an Pulmonary Embolism, which it did. The chances of a subsequent clot were less than 1%, yet... once again, It did. Now thanks to my Dr and I doing some blind research we've accidentally discovered the possible cause of my clotting problem. During a CME class he learned about Protein S and C and their involvement in coagulation. We learned that 1% percent of all thromboembolic episodes are due to a rare disorder in which patients are deficient in these particular proteins. Tests confirmed I fit into that 1%.

Great, right? I should be excited to finally learn of the culprit, but I'm not. This is all still so new to me and even my doctor for that matter, so were sending me to a specialist for further care. I was doing some more research online and learned alot more about the disorder but still not enough to help me make a sound decision about how to proceed from here. My taking blood thinners isn't a fool-proof way of cheating death from another life threatening clot, but it does bring me back to number 3. If I continue on my current approach I stand a 3% risk (increasing every year) of having a major hemorrhage, of which approximately 1/5 are fatal.

Math never was my favorite subject but this is a seriously fucked up equation. I feel like I'm choosing between two paths that both lead to death anyway. Either stop taking the meds and take the risk of throwing another clot or remain on the meds and risk bleeding out.

...Don't expect a decent post from me for a while while I get through the anger.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Craving Some

I don't care what anyone says, NY has the best pizza. Ask any New Yorker and they'll tell you about their one spot. The one place they believe has the best pizza. With pizzerias on just about every corner, trying someone else's isn't all that difficult. In fact you may be offered some on a regular basis.

But one menu in my drawer is all I need. His pizza rocks my world and is worth waiting weeks for. But I seriously doubt I'm the only one he's been serving. Now what?!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Crumbling Foil

12 years ago I was in my senior year of High School eagerly anticipating graduation and going to Texas A & M in Galveston, TX to major in Marine Biology. Ever since my first trip to the NY Aquarium in kindergarten, I've dreamed of one day becoming a marine biologist, saving dolphins and other marine mammals from extinction. However amongst other things I learned as a child, I also learned to read. As a child, especially a little girl, were influenced by stories and fairy tales that make us want what Cinderella had, a prince charming.

When I became pregnant with Arriana in my senior year, I realized that I wanted the fairytale more than a career at sea and opted to get married. My prince charming however, turned out to be an ass in tinfoil.

Anyway, I mention this today because I've been thinking alot lately about myself and my happiness. I've been struggling to do whats right for my kids, but not really giving myself a fair share. Galveston, TX was just hit with a major hurricane and so has my life. I'm tired of riding out the storm, I wanna dance in the rain (amongst other things).

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Can I make a Comeback?

Tomorrow I make my return to working "on the road" after deciding I needed a break. Honestly I'm not so sure I have this in me anymore. I've been working in the medical field for nearly 10 years, even longer if you consider what I've done for Dad. I made the decision to step away after having a few emotional incidents following his death.

Soon after Dad's death I made the decision to switch to days. By doing so I'd be less likely to get real emergent calls and deal mostly with hospital transfers and other crappy not so difficult tasks that wouldn't require my absolute best. The truth is I wasn't sure if I had the strength for the job any longer. The strength to separate my emotions from my work. The strength to laugh at the drunks, stabilize a tension pneumothorax or offer a grieving family hope. By going back to days though It seemed as though I were dealing with a larger number of people suffering from the same ailments as Dad. I saw his pain in everyone I dealt with. I just couldn't do this yet, I wasn't ready and made the decision to sit on the sidelines for a bit longer. I needed an emotional vacation.

I revisited the site of my first cardiac arrest the other day. I can recall every single action my partner and I took to revive grandma seconds after seeing her new granddaughter. The house was full of family members celebrating her return home. While in the hospital battling cancer her daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. After arriving home she decided to lay down for a nap, not much longer a family member discovered she wasn't breathing. Luckily my partner and I were close enough to offer her a good chance of survival. I did everything I could, but despite years of training and education nothing was working.

With each round of chest compressions and being unable to get a shock-able rhythm, I knew she wouldn't make it. Still I wouldn't give up hope. See somehow I knew that eventually I would be the family member watching on in fear as people work on saving my Dad. In a way I'm kinda glad I wasn't there to witness his final moments, but my doubt in the care and effort given into saving him has left me in this awkward position.

Can I get over this? Can I be absolutely certain that I'll be able to overcome this and provide the best care for my patients, or is it time for a career change?

Tuesday, September 09, 2008


Sorry I haven't posted in a few. Been feeling kinda yucky.

...Just my luck to actually get sick after playing hookie. Careful what you say, God's got a good sense of humor!

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Goodbye for Now

Its hard to put into words how I feel. While my body screams of pleasure, my heart and soul silences me. I've loved before, but none like I feel for you. Loving you comes easy to me, though saying goodbye tears me up.

I've said goodbye to my ex husband for weeks and months on end, not knowing if I'd have the Army Chaplain knocking on my door with somber news. Waking up day after day and carrying on not knowing if I'd see him again was difficult, but doesn't come close to how I feel without you here. It's especially hard when I cant comfort you when I know you need it most.

This feeling is all so new to me, I honestly don't know what to make of it. When you ask why I'm being so quiet, its cause the sound of my love has silenced me and nothing I say could possibly make sense to anyone but me.

Thursday, September 04, 2008


Today I had the opportunity to help kick off the 2008 NFL season by playing a part in the medical staff. When the opportunity arose, I declined. When shopping at the local sports store the other day, it hit me. The Giants and Jets jerseys hanging on the racks reminded me that football season was quickly approaching. What It also reminded me, was that I wouldn't be watching the games with my favorite buddy this year... Dad.

We'd taunt and tease all season long with him keeping his loyalty to the Jets while my Giants kick ass. Comparing stats and sharing good eats. This season however I think I'll skip the games all together, watching from a far. I realize that distracting myself isn't the best way to deal with the pain, but it works for now.

FYI: Dad, my Giants started the season off by kicking ass :-P
Love you Daddy!

Wednesday, September 03, 2008


Ok, I'm feeling much better today. Got some practicing to do... but for now I thought I'd make you laugh. I've had this song in my head since getting twisted and musical at the BBQ. Still couldnt get the damn thing out, when I decided to look for it on Youtube.

Ever see those Geico commercials with the caveman?

Are you feelin' me?!

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Just not me

I really wanna post something tonight. Something funny, something charming, something inviting you in.

Instead I'm not so sure I have much of anything left in me. Just 1,000 of thoughts.

Monday, September 01, 2008


Coincidentally I had a weekend evening off from work just days before Gabby's birthday. So I decided to throw a little birthday BBQ for my baby. It went quite well if you ask me. Although it really only had a hand full of kids and really catered to the adults, we all had a blast. It's been a while since I've made a fool of myself and got silly and twisted.

On Wednesday night I heard my sister would be in town for the last weekend of the summer, and Azure asked me to swap nights with her, so... since all the stars were aligned, I decided to go for it. It was a last minute thing I threw together. If you showed up, thank you! If you couldn't come, don't worry they'll be plenty more!