Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Name Changes

I finally had the patience to wait on hold with CUNY to find out what happened to my application for re-admission. Apparently my leaving Kingsborough to follow my new husband down to the bayou confused the admission staff. After faxing some additional documents, I should be all clear to return but 4 months later than I hoped.

This morning I was listening to my favorite radio station as they discussed divorce. One of the radio personalities got the guts to publicly announce his divorce. He spoke of how miserable he'd been for years, sleeping in his car to avoid coming home, turning off his phone to avoid madness and his deep depression. I began to think about my own life before the separation too. I think the military worked quite well for us because we had a good excuse not to be together. If were not together then we cant fight, right?! When he was home though, all I asked of him was to go to church as a family just once a week. I cried my eyes out to God asking that he dealt with my husbands heart, but he still refused to join us. Richie wouldn't do anything with the Family. We'd do all the family outings alone while he stayed home and did whatever he enjoyed. When the fighting stopped and I thought things were getting better I discovered he was being unfaithful. Still I stood by my husband and prayed for better days. When he felt I was close to leaving, he'd suddenly show affection. We'd pretend things were good for a few days but before we knew it, were right back where we started again.

Even after my husband and I separated he messed with my head for years. He'd pick up the girls on weekends and say just what he knew would work at keeping my heart in his hands. Would use me and leave me again, in pain. The same pain and renewed head games kept me from allowing anyone else in. I went out on a few dates, but still couldn't commit. In the back of my head I seriously thought he was going through a phase and would soon come around. I wanted so desperately for my family to be whole again.

Thankfully years later I came to realize his love was all wrong. By no means am I placing all the blame on him. I realize now what I could've or should've done differently. I'm not one to give up on something I have my heart into, but I should've done it years ago. If he doesn't make you feel good, doesn't make you happy, doesn't make you want to tell the whole world how much you love him... then he's not the one for you. Sure we may not realize it at first, being blinded by the image of love we imagine to see. Eventually we see what love really is and recognize it never was there to begin with. If I'm lucky enough to find it again, I can only hope that my hearts not too scarred to recognize it.

Ohh yeah... back to the application for admissions and searching for the reason my name changed from Flores.

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