Thursday, April 24, 2008

Being Honest With Myself

Sometimes we take things forgranted assuming it'll always be there. Being completly honest and upfront from the beginning sorta allowed me to do the same. I can recall numerous times when I'd repeatidly tell myself I'd be fine if he decided to leave. The truth is I know he'd like to, but things are less than ideal at home. When I drive home and see he still hasnt returned, the reality hits me. The only difference now is that I realize now matter how much I've drilled it in my head, I know I wouldnt be.

... Oh and for all of you wondering. Yes I'm having a good time on my vacation! See ya soon!!!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

1200 miles to go

In about 7 hrs I'll be hitting the open road, cruising down I-95 with the girls in tow. I'll be going through extreme withrawl thinking of you often, but I'll be back...promise!

...Hope they realize I do it all for them.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Shake Whatcha Daddy Gave Ya

When selecting music to listen to I usually go with one of two options. Something I wanna listen to because the artists feelings reflect my own or sometimes I'm just simply craving something to shake my ass to. For instance when I'm home, I'll slap on the Ipod and grab one of the girls to dance with their crazy Mama, otherwise the broom will do just fine.

When I'm all alone however and cant fall asleep, I usually listen to the more emotional stuff. If you were to glance at my music selection, you'd probably think I'm bipolar with the selection of music I have. You'll find everything from Marc Anthony to 'Nsync and Eminem.

Tonight though I wanna share a favorite of mine:

Its full of everything a good song needs; emotion, dancing and an amazing voice.
...Makes me wanna say, I love you Daddy!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I'm sooo gonna need a vacation when I get back next week from Florida. Not only will I be enduring the battle of the ex and his family, but my entire week is being over-consumed by the application process at the Sheriff's office. Monday, shortly after our arrival I have an appointment with the Director of HR, Tuesday my polygraph, Wednesday my exam and interview followed by my medical exam on Thursday.
I guess this means only 2 days with Mickey?!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Slow Down

Remember how I made mention earlier about being able to finally workout again without spending time in the CCU? Well friday after seeing Nick I was compelled to work off some energy at the gym rather than sleep as he suggested. I had a pretty good workout too, but later realized my heart rate was still rather higher than usual. No biggie I thought and still went to work, but hours later I noticed I was still having some issues. I knew I was having PVC's but still insisted they'd go away on their own if I just relaxed.

Needless to say they didnt go away, instead I was being attached to cardiac monitors and carried into my very own ambulance and taken to the hospital. The whole experience was quite interesting I must say. But in all seriousness, I need to stop this shit. Its getting old. I need to find some way to balance all my responsibilities. Despite all attempts, the truth is I cant save the world. Somethings are just meant to be and I must accept that. If someone I love needs my help, I'll be there in a tachy heartbeat. But if work needs me on my day off, they'll just have to call someone else. I really dont need all the overtime I've been getting. Of course money is great, but being alive to spend it would be better.

So I promise, from this day on I vow to never again work another 26 hour shift guzzling down coffee's to stay awake. As a matter of fact, Doc wants me to stay away from coffee, sodas and even chocolate for a bit to see if this resolves itself. It'll be hard, but I've got two damn good reasons to comply.

Friday, April 11, 2008


Life is full of regrets. I regret not giving Nick the CD I stayed up till 1am making for him after rethinking some of my selections. I even regret not doing something just five minutes ago. But I dont wanna look back 2 years from now and regret either leaving or not. Life is full of decisions and compromises. I took a chance with my marriage and moved to Louisiana. Did I regret it when it ended abruptly? Not one bit. I have two beautiful children as a result. While somethings can be viewed as a disappointment or failure, the girls certainly out weigh any negativity resulting from the divorce.
So as a very wise man pointed out today. I really dont have much to risk by taking a plunge. If it doesnt turn out to be the greatest decision, I'd still have my family in NY to lean on.
I suppose I'm affraid to break through the comfort zone I've created for myself, fearing possibly falling head first. But hey... life is full of taking chances and the lessons they teach us.

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Sorry I've been kinda MIA for a while. I've been working my ass off trying to afford this vacation for me and the kids.

Well, lets see. What have you missed?

  • I actually bought myself something... A new car!
  • I've managed to get off early, which will add two more days to my vacation.
  • I've been able to comfortably work out at the gym again without having to spend 2 days in the CCU for every hour on the stairmaster.
  • I've decided to let the kids enjoy swimming again. We're back into our sunday routine of goofing around in the pool. But despite Gabby's plea's I just cant gain the courage to allow her to go in the deep end without me. Dave's tragedy has me traumatized.
  • Speaking of trauma, refresher class has been pretty fun. Last night I got to treat a sucking chest wound. WTF is a sucking chest wound you ask?! It's what you get when you've had a penetrating trauma to the lungs (usually a gun shot wound) that leaves you with a new whole to breath from. That shit is awesome. You cant just cover it, cause well... thats your new breathing hole. I instead get to do some pretty cool stuff to keep you from drowning in your own blood.
  • And finally.... I decided to go forward with the job offer with the Sheriff's office in FL. Sometimes we need to just shut up and take the advice of others around you. If for no other reason, I must do this for the kids.
Well, gotta run. Time to get the kids from school and head over to the Mets game.


Tuesday, April 01, 2008


I wish you could see the sadness of a business man

as his livelihood goes up in flames, or that family returning home,
only to find their house and belongings damaged or lost for good.

I wish you could know what it is like to search a burning bedroom
for trapped children, flames rolling above your head,
your palms and knees burning as you crawl,
the floor sagging under your weight as the kitchen below you burns.

I wish you could comprehend a wife's horror at 3 a.m.
as I check her husband of 40 years for a pulse and find none.
I start CPR anyway, hoping to bring him back,
knowing intuitively it is too late.
But wanting his wife and family to know everything possible
was done to try to save his life.

I wish you knew the unique smell of burning insulation,
the taste of soot-filled mucus,
the feeling of intense heat through your turnout gear,
the sound of flames crackling,
the eeriness of being able to see absolutely nothing
in dense smoke-sensations that I've become too familiar with.

I wish you could understand how it feels to go to work
in the morning after having spent most of the night,
hot and soaking wet at a multiple alarm fire.

I wish you could read my mind as I respond to a building fire
"Is this a false alarm or a working fire?
How is the building constructed?
What hazards await me?
Is anyone trapped?"
Or to an EMS call, "What is wrong with the patient?
Is it minor or life-threatening?
Is the caller really in distress or is he waiting for us with a 2x4 or a gun?"

I wish you could be in the emergency room
as a doctor pronounces dead the beautiful five-year old girl
that I have been trying to save during the past 25 minutes.
Who will never go on her first date
or say the words, "I love you Mommy" again.

I wish you could know the frustration I feel
in the cab of the engine or my personal vehicle,
the driver with his foot pressing down hard on the pedal,
my arm tugging again and again at the air horn chain,
as you fail to yield the right-of-way at an intersection or in traffic.
When you need us however,
your first comment upon our arrival will be,
"It took you forever to get here!"

I wish you could know my thoughts
as I help extricate a girl of teenage years
from the remains of her automobile.
"What if this was my sister, my girlfriend or a friend?
What were her parents reaction going to be
when they opened the door to find a police officer with hat in hand?"

I wish you could know how it feels to walk in the back door
and greet my parents and family,
not having the heart to tell them
that I nearly did not come back from the last call.

I wish you could feel the hurt as people verbally,
and sometimes physically,
abuse us or belittle what I do,
or as they express their attitudes of
"It will never happen to me"

I wish you could realize the physical, emotional and mental drain
or missed meals, lost sleep and forgone social activities,
in addition to all the tragedy my eyes have seen.

I wish you could know the brotherhood and self-satisfaction
of helping save a life or of preserving someone's property,
or being able to be there in time of crisis,
or creating order from total chaos.

I wish you could understand what it feels like
to have a little boy tugging at your arm and asking,
"Is Mommy okay?"
Not even being able to look in his eyes without tears from your own
and not knowing what to say.
Or to have to hold back a long time friend
who watches his buddy having rescue breathing done on him
as they take him away in the ambulance.
You know all along he did not have his seat belt on.
A sensation that I have become too familiar with.

Unless you have lived with this kind of life,
you will never truly understand or appreciate who I am,
we are,
or what our job really means to us...

I wish you could though.

-author unknown-

1 against 4

I've just purchased tickets for myself and 4 people for next weeks Mets Vs. Phillies game. I'll endure the teasing and taunting of those fans that'll wear the wrong team jersey initially. But while I may begin as the only Mets fan, I can guarantee I'll recruit Gabby and Tammy by the end of the game. C'mon girls...Wave! :P