Thursday, August 30, 2007

Ok, I probably picked a really bad time, but I think successfully weaned myself off my heart meds. Seems like many people are choosing to turn their backs to me lately including my cardiologist. This week we were supposed to discuss slowly discontinuing my beta blockers, but since he's not around anymore and I don't want any new quack messing with me, I decided to do it myself. I'll be honest, there were some nights I was really uncomfortable and weren't sure I'd wake up. Now however, I'm feeling better with the exception of being in a real bitchy mood. Still... not in the mood for FOAD's tonight, sorry.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Ok I finally decided to post some blogs I was keeping private. Now, I use blogging as a way to deal with my everyday problems not entertainment for anyone else. If I wanna bitch and complain about being ejected from the nursing program or some ass that pissed me off at work, this is where I'll do it. Why anyone else would be interested in hearing any of it is beyond me, but there'll be no more holding back on my part.

Monday, August 27, 2007

I spent the entire evening writing a blog for tonight, but I'm not posting it. Sorry to disappoint you, seems I've been doing plenty of that lately. Anyway, I just don't feel the same as I did 2 hours ago. I'm hoping that this is an emotion that will be short lived, but much like drunk dialing (or drunk blogging in my case) What I say about how I feel now, may not reflect how I feel in the morning.

I'll get back at 'cha, k?!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

I'm Sorry

Sometimes in life we do things we regret. I try not to hold regrets, mainly because each has taught me a valuable lesson and has made me stronger. Now however, I feel weaker than ever. My kindness and wanting to help people through tough times has backfired in my face. I know at this point there's probably nothing I can say to make things right again, but please know... I'm sorry!

Saturday, August 25, 2007

They Do Exist

Would you consider being emotional a weakness? I've never told anyone this but on a regular basis I feel some very real cardiac symptoms at the onset of stressor's. I can deal with the stress of work just fine, its emotional stress that seems to take its toll on me. In fact the morning I was first carried away from my office in Tachycardia my divorce papers lay on top my desk for me to sign.

In my experience in the health care industry, I've heard of people dying of broken hearts but never until I've experienced my own have I truly believed it to be true. A recent study at Johns Hopkins confirms my fears, but offers hope too.

Two weeks ago I found myself in the hospital once again feeling some distress after learning that someone wasn't being completely honest with me. It broke my heart and the mold I envisioned. Still after that, I wasn't prepared for what I was told tonight.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

I know that traditionally, with today being Thursday and all your probably expecting me to bitch and shout off my FOAD's. Today however I'm gonna write about all the great friends I have(real ones not myspace ones) that help turn my frown upside down regularly.

Last night I was stuck dispatching all night rather than studying for my psych final and getting some sleep. When my shift ended I was rather disappointed by a broken promise from Nick. But as soon as soon I stepped out of the office I was greeted by some morning staff whom I haven't seen in quite some time. I must say, somehow in all the mess in my mind I completely forgot how long its been since I've seen some of them. Then on my ride home I began to think about what we discussed in psych class. When we're going through difficult times, we often seek something or someone to make us feel better. Its part of a healthy healing process.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Feeling under the Weather

In literary works, rain typically symbolizes change. Although we're not being slammed with a hurricane like Mexico is, it has been cold and wet here in NY for the past two days. Hopefully its just the gloomy weather that has me feeling blue. I still cant help but feel like there's some changes that I'll have no choice but live with soon.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

The Special FOAD

Ok, I know it's not FOAD Thursday, but I'm gonna bitch anyway. I'm seriously having the worst day I've seen in a long time. Lets see where should I start.

This morning started off as usual except before going to class I didn't nap today. For some reason, I've been unable to eat or sleep properly. Well anyway, I log onto myspace and check my emails and stalk some people. Today I chose to browse the Ex-husbands page and what I saw had me really pissed. I took a deep breath and kept moving though.

At school I scored 1 point lower than what's required of me on an A&P test. No biggie though, I can make up for it on the final next week. Then class was over and It was time to register for next semester, only they wouldn't let me because I still have a $3500 balance for this semester. They're giving me until Wednesday to get the loan that I applied for. Once again I took a deep breath and kept marching on. I'm a pretty strong woman and can tolerate most anything thrown my way.

After arriving home, I make the kids and my dad lunch. Made sure everyone would be ok If I took a nap. I was finally able to get some pretty decent sleep, when all of a sudden mom wakes me up and tells me that I should've been at work 15 minutes ago. Damn! I hurry to get ready and arrive 30 minutes late. Luckily no one complained, oh... but they are mandating me to stay 2 hours late in the morning. Thanks!

But wait... It gets better. After I arrived, I decided to get something from my car. Apparently someone decided to break into my car. They were probably looking for something of value, but were unsuccessful. They were however successful in putting me in this really bad mood I'm on now. F*cking crack heads have to make everyone else around them miserable, to satisfy their f*cking habits! WTF?! So now instead of going home to sleep in the morning, I've gotta go shopping for a new rear window.

So... to all you crack heads, bursars, supervisors who don't have the balls to confront me in person and instead send an email and the ever-so-popular Ex's. A big F*ck Off And Die to ya!

Thursday, August 16, 2007


As parents we often wonder if were doing a good job raising our children. I'm told quite often that I'm doing quite well. But until I see the actual results in motion, It's hard to contemplate.

My children have seen way more than they've deserved. They've packed up and started over again three times before the age of 8 and 3 respectively. As a child, I cringed at the idea of moving and having to make new friends again. Arriana on the otherhand has been a real trooper, she's come through quite well. Gabby, well... she was so young that her collective memory really wouldn't allow her to remember much thankfully, or maybe not so.

Anyway I bring this up because, the kids are now at daycamp. As I lay here alone in bed and grabbed the covers, I remember what Gabby did to me this morning. In the past three days I've gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep. Between work and school, I've had little time to spend sleeping after first making sure their needs are being met. This morning I arrived home at 6:30 and decided I'd try to sneak in a quick nap. I layed on the sofa purposly not using a blanket, affraid i'd get too comfortable and oversleep. Well a few minutes later Gabby comes from her room and covers me with her blanket, like the sweet little girl does with her baby dolls. Making sure my feet were covered and even kissed me on the forehead. I suppose this means I'm doing a good job teaching her love, and how to make others feel good.

Then there's Arriana. She's exactly as I was at her age. Most of her friends are boys, because well.. there's too much drama from the girls, besides its more fun to challange the boys to video games anyway! Arriana puts on a tough face. She rarely shares her true feelings. During the divorce, I'd often find her fighting to hold back the tears... just as I did. Apparently I was so afraid of scaring the kids by crying in front of them, that instead it taught her to try to hide her own too. I laugh at her every morning when I drop her off at camp or school, being the grown girl she thinks she is, she wont kiss me goodbye in public anymore, lol. But last night she sent me an email at work. She wrote me a song. A sweet little song about her being thankful for all I've done for her. My babies have me an emotional wreck as I write this. I love them so much! I'll tell you one thing I'm certain of, there's nothing in the world compared to the love I have for my daughters.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Takes One to Know One

I took my psychology mid term today, even stayed a bit late to get it graded. How did I score? I got an A+. Woo hoo! How could you expect anything less?! It takes a psych to know one! It's no secret that I've got some qualities of an EDP. Me and my psych patients/friends actually get along quite well, in fact I saw one just a few minutes ago.
...Nothing like your demented neighbor asking you for the 20th time about your marriage and having to explain once again that I'm single now. Or how about the patient that had severe Alzheimer's and Dementia that wanted to enjoy the breeze during one of Florida's famous hurricanes? And me letting her!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Ma'am, Can I Have Another Please?

Last night I was in yet another bridal party. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for seeing two people happily in love with one another and all, but when the last of your friends is married off and someone jokingly asks who's left and they all look at me?! That's when I drink up some more and get my ass away from the table. I've been there, done that. Not to say I wouldn't do it again. I just don't see it in the foreseeable future. C'mon, I'm still paying for my divorce.

I'd be lying if I said that I don't miss being married though. Its what I miss about the marriage that might surprise you. I miss laying in bed at night and having someone to talk to. Someone to listen to my babbling as I would his. Someone to make all my troubles disappear with a simple kiss. To remind me that no matter how bad we want to, we cant stay in bed all day as he turns off the snooze button in the morning.

...Now that I think about it, what I miss the most has nothing to do with a legal document.

Anyways, best of luck to Jim & Ronnie!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Expect the Unexpected

I took sometime today to discuss my concerns about school with my advisor. I'm worried that if I dont get at least a "B" in all classes that I'll be kicked out of the Nursing Program. I sent an email to the professor as she suggested.

Damn, If a Tornado can touch down in Brooklyn...I should be able to do this. Anything's possible!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Taste of Brooklyn? :P

Everyone deserves a day off. Well today I decided to escape it all and spend the day with BeachBoy at... you've guessed it, the beach. We shared a few spots in Brooklyn including Coney Island. I really had a good time. As usual, spending the day at the beach has left me literally wiped out. There's so much I wanna say and so much I wanna tell you about us, but right now I need to wash the sand out of my crack and open my nutrition text books before I get my ass kicked out of school.
Have a Good Night.

-Oh and on a side note. Congrats Ang on creating your own blog. Hope it's as therapeutic for you as mine is for me!

Monday, August 06, 2007

I don't get it, I had so many great ideas to write about today. Now however, I cant think of a damn thing to discuss.
Oh well... I'll try again later!

Thursday, August 02, 2007

FOAD or Lack There Of

Ok, don't be disappointed. Although today is FOAD Thursday, and I have every right to bitch about anyone and everyone who's pissed me off lately, I'm just not feeling it. I took a long walk along my favorite beach today and took time to reflect on some things; One being school. I had a horrible day in class today after learning that I may not be doing well enough to continue in the nursing program. I need to kick my ass into gear and seriously study if I wanna prove that old people can do this college thing too.

Next was the renewed desire for my own place to call home. If it weren't for me being in school right now, I'd probably be moving into another apartment.

Finally... the walk in its self brought about pleasant memories that hold a special place in my heart. Other than the kids and their 5 minute walk with me, there's only one other person I've walked that path with. I hope I never forget how lost in the moment I felt as we tried to make our way back to the car.

Ok I'll stop, I know... today's a day of bitching, sorry!

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Potential & Kinetics

Potential energy is stored energy. A drawn bow, stores energy from the pull as potential energy until it is released.

Kinetic energy alternatively is the actual energy in use or motion.

Why the science lesson? Well... I feel like I'm living a life with lots of potential, but doing nothing to use it. In school, at work and in relationships. I know I have the potential to do better in school if I could find the right balance at work and home. As for relationships, I already find myself avoiding calls from all the people of whom I have no concern for anymore. I need to stay on track and turn my potential energy, thats been stored away for 3 years, into kinetic energy.