Saturday, March 29, 2008

A Change is Due

I'm starting to worry about myself. I've been in this "mood" for a few weeks. Looking at it from the outside, I don't think its anything to be alarmed about. Sure I've been depressed for more than two weeks, and been a bit withdrawn from things I'd normally associate myself with, but still don't see any alarms going off suggesting I seek help. For the most part the everyday people that I associate with don't see my pain. I still smile and offer my assistance, even goof around with a few. But for the most part right now I'm working on taking care of myself.

Having to see Smiley just about everyday whether at work or in class now is certainly proving tough, but I'm doing it. I've even got a few guys that are trying very hard to work their way into my life, but I just cant do it. As corny and retarded as it may sound, I'm just not emotionally available right now. Nick's probably the only other person who would understand that, but he's part of the equation too.

Anyway, with the warm weather comes change. As the flowers bloom and the coats shed from our backs, I too hope these feeling will be removed.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Gotta Pocket Full of Sunshine?

Apparently my kids and I share everything, including germs. Yes, I too am now infected. Oddly enough though I'm stuck at work on my night off covering for someone who too has been infected. But his large ogre frame cant handle a little sniffle so my ass is stuck covering for him. No worries though, I'm as relaxed as I could possibly be. Got my pillow and blanket, portable heater and my bottle of alcohol containing cold meds. Why do they put alcohol in it anyway?! Do they wanna make you feel all warm and toasty inside, or goofy and horny like it does to me?

Anyway I promised I'd write a little something, and so I shall. I don't get Nick. I mean seriously, the more I try to understand him, the less I seem to actually comprehend. I know he's very intelligent, has a genuine heart and how messed up this whole thing at home has got him. But I also know that for whatever reason he seems to be avoiding me. He can deny it all he wants, but the truth is in his actions. Whatever his reasoning, I just hope he's doing ok and realizes that no matter what the outcome, he'll always have someone on his side. I've got lots of pleasant memories, dreams and even a few videos to help me "be good".

Ok my buzz is starting to wear off and I'm getting depressed... better go ask Ang to drop something in my pocket ;)

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Random Ramblings

While I didn't exactly have the relaxing day I was hoping for, at the very least it ended well. I came home from work with the hopes of getting the kids off to school and climbing into bed. Instead both the girls were sick, so needless to say, I spent the day at the docs with them. I was finally able to sneak in a nap just before getting their meds from the pharmacy. I hate going to that place, I tell ya, Its not safe for me to go anywhere without being approached by some jerk.

Anyways last night I had class, got there just to discover that I tested out of last nights particular lesson. Actually I did quite well and only need to go to a few classes to keep my license to save the world. One lesson however interferes with my vacation plans next month. I'll have to plan something out, otherwise I'll play sick and make it up. Speaking of playing sick. Saturday I have a very special visitor coming. Joe will be in town for Grannies 90th birthday. He'll only be here for an overnight trip, so I agreed to play hookie and give him a tour of the city.

While were on the topic of being back in town... Nick's back. Well, kinda sorta. His car is, but who knows if I'll get to see him?! I'd really like to, but I know there's so many others that do too. I've just learned to stop stressing over it, if he finds the time then good, if not... oh well. I feel like such a dork when it comes to him. I think about him way more than I'd like to admit. There's so much I wanna say about that...

Maybe since I just learned that I'll be working tonight while under the influence of Nyquil, I'll be willing to spill it all out.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Easter Goodies

Yesterday morning at 7am rather than rush home and into bed before the kids woke up, I went to toys r us and did my Easter shopping. Now although my kids do realize the true significance of Easter, I enjoy the whole traditional egg hunts and giving them baskets full of goodies.

The joyful surprise on their face when they crawl out of bed and discover whats waiting for them on the table, is all worth it in my opinion. I love them more than anything and will do everything I possibly can to keep them happy. I'll go all weekend with very little sleep, cooking and dying eggs with one eye closed just to make sure this Easter will be like every other they've become accustomed to. I'll hopefully recover while their in school tomorrow, and be able to sit down and really put together a decent post. Until then, good night! Hope your day was just as wonderful!

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Day by Day

Just out of curiosity the other day I decided to fill out an application for a position at the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office. The very next day I got a reply asking me to move along to the next part of the application process. If I pass the background check, which unless masturbation is illegal I undoubtedly will, then I'll have to go down there for my oral interview and psych eval.

I'm not exactly sure I want the position. I know I want a change, just not sure what yet.

Somethings missing in my life and I just cant figure out what it is. I feel like I'm living my life day by day, without seeing the big picture and afraid I may look back 10 yrs from now and regret today.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

He'll Never Know

He'll never know just how much. He'll never know how disappointed she was that she waited all week for this very moment and with the push of a button it was gone. He'll never know that she sat on her bed and undressed as she wondered if there was a hidden message between his words. She quickly threw her clothes back on as she ran down the steps in hopes of finding him waiting for her. Wanting too for a hug and a warm smile before he left again.

She arrived however, just in time to see him drive off into the dark...

But... He'll never know.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Do they Exist?

Angels... Do they really exist? I personally believe strongly that they do. While they may not be wondering the streets of NY with their feathered wings, they are amongst us. I accidentally stumbled upon this video that pretty much contradicts my belief, but still seems awesome.

Check it out!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Crumbled Letters

I just don't get it sometimes. Why do the little things people do make such a big impact on me? For instance, something as simple as a text message or a quick 30 second phone call from Nick brightens up my day, while the same from someone I'm less than pleased with has the exact opposite effect. I was called an Angel tonight by someone who just 3 weeks ago fucked things up for us. Smiley mis-used my trust and caused me a great deal of grief. However he's still my co-worker, classmate and for whatever reason someone I still care to know is doing well.

Now why is something as simple as an email calling me an angel upsetting me? Because below the brief statement he posted a video of a song he said he wanted me to hear. If you know me, you know how deeply I listen to the words. I wanna invoke the feelings of the artist or perhaps even my own. Anyway the song is about having hope and not giving up.

Sorry to say it Smiley... but I already have!

Quick Status Update

Sorry I've been kinda MIA for a while. I've had so many ideas of topics to discuss over the past week or so, but I've just been too damn lazy to post. I'm really tired and have a huge friggin migraine so I'm gonna do this quickly and with very little effort.

First, my baby... well, isn't much of a baby anymore. She turned 11 last night. My mini me is fastly growing into my shoes... quite literally. I love you Baby!

Next, I've hit the books again. I went into my refresher class not realizing just how much I've forgotten. Thankfully on the first night they gave us a diagnostic test to see what topics need to be reviewed, otherwise I'd be pretty disappointed not remembering how to save the world.

I still haven't had any luck with the apartment hunting. Apparently kids aren't a welcome addition in many households. If Arriana had her way though, we'd be returning to the burbs in Florida.

And finally... I need a vacation. The whole ski lodge thing didn't happen this winter so next month I'll be planning at least one road trip. I promised the kids we'd go to Florida and do the whole Disney thing while I do the one thing never seen in a Disney flick... file for divorce.

K, I'm out!


Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Seeing You Hurt

"I don't wanna confuse things, But I just can't keep lying to myself"

Saturday, March 08, 2008


What can possibly be worse than your Dad finding your myspace page?!

How about your Pastor finding your facebook page?!!

Shit... better remove the dirty stuff now!

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Having a Fit

I'm not very good when it comes to temptation. Throw something appealing in my face and saying no is, well... not very easy. Yesterday I took Ang to the Honda showroom to help her shop for the car she so desperately wanted. I listened to the sales person's pitch and even sat with them as they discussed the numbers.

Can ya guess what happened next? Umm yeah... I got one too. After spending the night thinking about it though. I've come to the conclusion that If I really do go this morning to pickup the vehicle, that getting my own apartment now with this car payment would be nearly impossible. What was I thinking? I was too self-less to buy myself a $30 book, and now I purchased a 2008 Honda?!

...Maybe I'll sleep on it some more.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Doctors Orders

After running out of meds 4 days ago, I finally hauled my ass over to the doctor today. Considering the length of time and the fact that I feel fine, we're suspecting my Pulmonary Embolism may have finally dissolved. We'll wait a few more months before sending me to glow in the dark again just in case.

I really like my new doc, not only is he really cool but is totally family oriented as well. His wife is his Nurse and runs his practice from the first floor of his house. He's always there if I need him, no matter the time. He gives that small town feel in the heart of Brooklyn.

Anyway, today we somehow got into the conversation of my personal life. He asked about my having a boyfriend. If it were any other man, I'd say yes. It's just so much easier that way since I'm not looking right now. But I cant lie to the Doc, so I said no. I didn't have one. I cant imagine what it had to do with a blood clot in my lungs.... Oh wait we were talking about my going back to the gym. Ok, I was asking about cardio and stuff, maybe he wanted to let me know sex was ok too. So back on topic, Doc's final suggestion; I get a man.

Umm...Can you write a prescription for that?

Sunday, March 02, 2008

My Champs

It wasn't about being the best,

or knocking down the competition.

It was about being a team player

...and having a good time

But having all that gold in their hands must feel awesome!
I'm proud of you girls. Great job!

Saturday, March 01, 2008

If Home's Where my heart is, Then I'm Out of Place

I know I'm a bit crazy, ok maybe... a bit more than most, but music really means alot to me. It's soothes me when I need it. It embraces an emotion I need to feel or quite simply allows me to be goofy and shake my ass with the kids. But have you ever heard a song that's moved you? I mean seriously moved you? This one song in particular brings me to tears for so many reasons:

The first time I heard this song I'd just moved back to NY from FL. My husband left me and abandoned our family. I lost everything, my house, my car, most of my possessions and my faith as I packed up and moved back to NY. This song somehow gave me hope. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know which path to choose or even how to get there. All I knew was that I was broken and needed to feel like someone was on my side.