Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Year in Review

Well this is it. This is the last night of what was the hardest year by far for me. It's often said that God doesn't place anymore on your shoulders than he knows you can carry. Well I just wish God hadn't trusted me so much.

Here's recap:

The year kicked off on a somber note. Alone & crying in the my hosp bed. Having to once again call Gabby and break the news that her Mommy wasn't coming home tonight. I vowed to never break my little girls heart again and finally make a change.

Thanks to Nick's coaching I decided to take a huge step towards my goal and submit an application to WPB, FL sheriff's office. I "didn't have anything to lose". Not very long after that, I was planning our trip to FL for vacation while somehow squeezing in time for my interview and hiring credentials. Our trip was cut short however by a phone call from Mom.

On April 25th Dad began to complain of feeling pain in his chest. Their immediate response was to call me and ask for help. What could I do though? I felt so helpless being 1300 miles away. I cut my trip to Joe's short and stood by waiting for reassurance that Dad was ok. Mom called hours later and said he was stable to which I breathed a sigh of relief. So it came to much of a surprise when she called me hours later to tell me of his passing.

In the very instant I felt my strength melt away. No longer stood this tough super hero that held herself together. I cried with Mom and then for Mom. I'll never forget, my very first phone call was to Nick. I don't know why looking back now, but somehow I knew that I needed him. Next I called Mom's best friend and asked her to go to the house to help. I called my sister whom too arrived in minutes.

To make a long story short, I wish I hadn't taken that vacation. The guilt tore me to pieces. But thanks to some nice long talks with The Rock Star again, I was able get through it. Somehow his struggling with the guilt of not being there for his daughters and my feeling like I let Dad down seemed to come together aw we offer one another peace of mind as many of our difficulties seem to do.

A few weeks later Arriana graduated elementary school. I once again felt I failed. I made a promise to myself that I'd be back down south by the time she entered Junior High School. I don't want my children to experience growing up on the rough streets as I did. I wanted them to grow up to be these cute little southern belle's with proper manners and all. But we couldn't leave Grandma, not now not yet.

No sooner than I decided though, my sister, under the directives of her boyfriend decides that she's leaving NY and moving to PA. I gladly take over her lease and soon after move in. The months to follow were spent mostly working to maintain two households now while I spent the majority of my days alone, not by choice.

To sum up the year, I've lost the one man I loved unconditionally since the day I was born. The one man I would do anything for. However it allowed me to open up about my feelings to another, something I swore I'd never do again. In times of need its often said we seek the comfort of our loved ones. We keep the friends we have because each and every one of them fills a need we have within us, something we're lacking, that they can provide us with. Thank you my friends for filling the voids.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Doctors Order

I hold in my hand a note, an order in fact.

After spending 8 hours in the ER for palpitations and determining that I'm not in any immediate danger, I've been given the only thing sure to help ease my discomfort... a note ordering me to take a few days off at work. Do I pretend I didn't get this and return tomorrow anyway? Or use it to chill at home with the kids on their holiday break? Sigh...

Fuck It! I've got all this unused vacation time at work, the bills will still get paid. I'm following Doc's orders.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas Memories

The packages are all opened. The toys all put together. Other than needing to recruit someone to put Gabbys bike together, Christmas is done in the Flores/Carmona household.

I crashed really early last night since I wasn't feeling well, luckily mom stayed up to play Santa for me. The girls certainly had no problem waking early, though they struggle on school days. With coffee in hand, we began unloading the gifts from under the tree. In the end seeing the joy on their face's and being able to spend another Christmas with the ones I love was worth all the trouble of making it happen. Sure not having Dad this holiday was though, probably tougher than any other holiday thus far, but yesterday I accidentally stumbled upon his collection of home movies. Seeing him again and hearing us interacting with one another was a little overwhelming. Its just... all still so surreal.

Sometimes I hope this is just another bad dream. That I'll wake up and he'll be calling me to ask me to get him a drink. Or that he'll be just a phone call away when I'm lost and cant find my way. Merry Christmas Dad thanks for the many cherished memories you left behind.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

My Wish List

Dear Santa,

I realize you've already begun your journey of bringing smiles to many deserving boys and girls. However if you still have room in that magical red sack, can you squeeze one more in for me?
Since I cant get world peace, or all my friends and loved ones back. I'll take a new heart. The one I've got isnt being very cooperative.

Thanks Santa!


Sunday, December 21, 2008

Happy Hanukkah

Growing up I was very aware of my various ethnicity's. Although we were pretty much raised Catholic, we were exposed to Dad's family and their Jewish customs too. When Dad was well I can remember going to many holiday dinners with family we didn't see again until his funeral. Although we really didn't comprehend the whole miracle of Hanukkah, we still celebrated by lighting the menorah and exchanging gifts.

Tonight although Dad wasn't with us in body, I could feel him in spirit as Gabby lit her Grandpa's menorah and we shared a few laughs. Hopefully the next 7 nights will be just as pleasant. Happy Hanukkah Daddy. I love you!

Facing my Fears

I did it again. Its certainly not something I'm proud of, nor do I wish to see it happen again. I made another person cry.

I've got a conscience that works overtime and couldn't possibly hurt anyone. However by protecting some of them from the truth, I've ultimately hurt them. I've got a long list of friends and colleagues that've been trying to get me to go out with them. I almost never do though. Many of them have bad habits that I'd rather not pick up, but some of them are genuinely good people that I still fear.

Last night while reassuring BigDawg that he's not the reason why I cant be with him, and instead explaining the truth (the whole truth), I realized why I walk this path. Going to the car show and playing in the new cars is a much more pleasurable experience than going to the dealer and being pressured into opening my purse and buying said car.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Gods got a good sense of humor, thought you should know that. K?!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Letter

In June I mentioned that I'd applied to a particularly difficult program at a local college. Last week I was browsing online classifieds and opportunities in the south, when mom called to tell me I got a letter from the school. I remember from my days in high school, to ask if it were a large envelope or a small one. The larger ones usually confirmed your acceptance and included additional needed documents, while the smaller envelopes contained a letter thanking you for applying and regretting to inform you that you were not selected.

Well Mom answered that the letter was a small one. I knew what it meant, It meant I could consider the move now without that detail to consider. When I got home a few days later though I was going through the mail and noticed there were quite a few letters from the college. I opened one, and sure enough I was accepted. In fact because I already have many of the pre-requisites needed, they've agreed to allow me to enter the program mid- year.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Giant Love for You

If your a regular reader and remember back to last year, you remember how much I enjoyed catching a Giants game with Dad. No matter how hectic the week was, I always ended it with a nice dinner and game with Dad on Sundays. Even bigger than the Superbowl in our house, was the game where they played my brothers favorite team, the Dallas Cowboys. Our house would split in two as Dad and I watched my Mom and Marks team succumb to ours.

It may surprise you to know that I haven't watched a single game this year. If it weren't for Nicks telling me he was busy watching the game, I wouldn't have known they were even playing. I was at work and couldn't tune in, but when I checked online and discovered that OUR game was being played, I was overcome with grief. There are so many things that I haven't done, so much I've avoided, so many people and things I once enjoyed are been neglecting... and it's not getting any easier.

Immediately after leaving work and taking the kids to school, I got in my car and drove the 70miles to see Dad. I never imagined the pain would still be so strong, but it is. The holiday season has been especially difficult. Making the transition from shopping for the perfect present for him to now shopping for a holiday decoration for his gravesite, isn't something I'd wish on anyone.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Wrong Hands

Everything I've dreamed of having, is in the wrong hands. She's got everything I've wanted and doesn't even know it nor does she appreciate it. If only she knew... what some would do to have a love like the one she's pushing away.

Monday, December 08, 2008


There are very few things that make me weak to the knees, even fewer people. My kids, my Dad and the other I'll try not to name today. But last night I was sitting in the office when I suddenly hear small high pitched cries in the corner. It was an itty bitty mouse stuck to a glue trap.

I absolutely hate to see suffering, whether it be a drunk who deserved the pain for making a bad choice or a child who cant tell you why he hurts. A piece of me goes out to every patient, every friend and yes even that mouse that kept me up all night.

Now you'd think the guys at work would be tough and come to my rescue when I cried? Instead they scurried away at the site of a live mouse fighting to break free. We scoop brain matter off the streets, put our gloved fingers on an arterial bleed, place an amputated limb on ice and deliver babies that leave us out of service for hours for decon. Yet an entire garage full of super hero's couldn't stand to remove a trap with an itty bitty mouse for me. Go figure...

Friday, December 05, 2008

Sir, Stop the Ride Please

Its been fun, we've had some awesome times. But In the end there's nothing fun about standing alone in an empty room. What started out as a friendship, grew into a physical relationship and has now turned to a beautiful disaster. He came to me at a time when I honestly didn't expect to live through the remainder of the year. I'd just broken up with Ray and was fighting my own personal battle. We bonded through our misery and laughed through our similarities. Today though, I've decided the tears are no longer welcome. I'm electing to get off this emotional roller coaster and make a change. I deserve someone to love, someone to hold, someone to make me feel less alone. I deserve someone as good as me.

Oddly enough... it was you that told me the signs were all there, I just chose to overlook them.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Just Me

Think you know the real me? Well guess what... your wrong! Sure some of you know bits and pieces, but no one knows the real me. I cant even be honest on my own blog without fearing I'll upset someone who reads it.

So what is it tonight?

Dad? Feeling lonely and left in the dark? Worrysome? Indecisive? Maybe, just maybe, it's ...


Wednesday, December 03, 2008


Sorry I've been MIA. I've been sick the past few days. Normally I wouldn't allow it to interfere with my day to day activities, but my co-workers sent me home last night saying I looked like crap. I decided not to argue though and instead took their odd display of affection and went home, crawled into bed and that's where I stayed. Stayed, but didn't sleep... all night!

I took the day off today too and was able to get a little bit of sleep in between trips to the porcelain god, hopefully it'll pass soon. Thanks for stopping by and checking on me though!

Saturday, November 29, 2008


So Thanksgiving went pretty well. I kept busy the best way I knew how, cleaning and cooking. Preparing dinner without Dad around will never get easy, but keeping myself distracted seems to be the way to go.
Friday was my Birthday and I couldn't have asked for a better day. What did I do? Other than a little bit of shopping, absolutely nothing! So what made it so great? Nick. He's just amazing. I'm so glad he's finally feeling better and stronger than ever. To be honest I was quite overwhelmed with so many people wishing me a Happy Birthday. I have a whole lot to be thankful for this season!

Monday, November 24, 2008

Instant Replay

I don't care if you don't get it, we do. Cant wait for instant replays!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Woo Hoo

I never thought failing a test would be so exciting, but it is. I just don't need that headache right now.

I'm feeling like such a delinquent now. Ang, your a bad influence! We gave into peer pressure and skipped class to take the kids to Applebee's. How bad is that? Well... it was just tennis class. Is that ok? LOL

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Duty to Act

So I get a phone call yesterday, but since I didn't recognize the number I sent it to voicemail. I checked the message only to discover it was the Brooklyn DA's office seeking help with a case I may have been a witness to. I returned the call only to discover my good deed on Valentines Day was coming back to haunt me.

I was stuck working with Smiley days after our nasty break up. Immediately after pulling out of the garage we were flagged down by 2 males for an apparent MVA across the street. Did I wanna check it out? No. I just wanted my damn coffee and any reason not to talk to him. We had to check it out though, not doing so would put our license in jeopardy. Now however, our responsibility and duty to act has me all stressed out. Dude was drunk, he misjudged himself on a turn and hit a friggen light post. He wasn't injured and since EMS was already on scene, it took PD longer than usual to respond. The guy wasn't injured and didn't want to go to the hospital. So with permission from the officers, we RMA'd him and released him in their custody.

8 months later, the District Attorney's office is trying to gather enough evidence to convict this repeat offender of DUI. Which brings Smiley and Myself in. We'll have to appear in court to testify on the patients mental status and scene sizeup. Grreeat!

Thursday, November 20, 2008


Looking for a new post? Something that'll fill you in on the thoughts of this crazy chick?

Something to laugh at?

Sorry, I cant think of anything decent to write. So... I'll make you laugh!

Listen carefully

Monday, November 17, 2008

Just what the Therapist ordered

I came to work last night feeling depressed and all teared-up thinking about missing Dads help preparing Thanksgiving dinner and giving me a birthday kiss this year. Add the stress of not being certain if I'll ever see Nick again, and you'll get a glimpse inside my dismembered heart.

The other night I decided to give into temptation though and pair up with a co-worker I've been otherwise avoiding. See many of the people here try to make nice with me so I wont work them too hard. However they fail, you cant beat me at my own game. This guy though came all the way from the Bronx just to deliver coffee and smiles and convince me to work with him if only just once. If I weren't happy, then he'd let me leave without question, much like Nick convinced me to go downstairs to meet him almost 2 years ago. So, I agreed to give it a try, and I'm so glad I did. We had a blast. The truth is, I've gone on a few dates recently but decided against them because I found I was comparing them to the man I would give anything to be with, who also happens to be the man I cant have and may never return to NY.

It was nice to forget the pain for just one night. To live as though I weren't dying inside and instead have someone to sing along to my crazy selection of music. Someone to call and make sure I got home ok knowing I'd be driving home tired. Someone to laugh at the bruises we woke up with the next morning. Anyway, I just got off the phone with him again and decided to make this a regular occurrence. Sometimes its easier to connect and open up to someone your disassociated with, for that reason I'm dubbing my new partner...the Therapist.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

How long?

October? September? Maybe August. Certainly before August 11th, or April 26th.

I cant remember the last time I really honestly felt happy. There's a stranger living in my skin. She's doing things that I'd never do. Saying things I'd never mean.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


I was on my way home last night when I came to the conclusion that I need help. Like seriously need help. Perhaps counseling would do... Perhaps.

I've really been through a whole lot in recent months. Without anyway to release, the pressure in my bottle is building up. I can honestly say, and many will agree, that I don't do enough for myself. In recent weeks, I've tried a few new things like meeting new people, but got turned off quickly. I realized that I just don't have the time for a personal life, nor do I have the will to change it. You wanna spend time with me, you'll either have to sign up for a shift working with me or help stuff and dress some bears.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I Proudly Salute You

Veterans Day, the day we salute and pay respect for the brave men and women that've paid the ultimate price. That without hesitation, have served this great country allowing you and I to live free.

Early morning, before the sunrise, they met and stood in formation to prepare their physical bodies for combat. After "PT" they'd return to their living quarters to shower and prepare for their work day. After dressing, they'd once again stand in formation displaying their respect and honor as their superiors address them, in which they'll again do several times throughout the day.

When I visit Dad at Calverton National Cemetery, upon entering the gates I immediately begin to tear up. The rows and rows of limestone headstones stand in this same manner, in formation. Just as in uniform, nothing significantly differentiates them from one another other than their names and rank. ...Still proudly saluting their country.

Thank you Silva, Roman, Moore, Caamano, Alvarez, Cruz, Rivera, Smith, Preston, Richard, Batista, Carmona, my neighbors and friends at Ft Polk, but most of all... thank you Daddy. I love you!

Whats going on

I'm feeling rather indifferent. I'm not sure what to make of these emotions. I cant remember the last time I felt so depressed. I crawled out of my old bed at mom's house and as I wipe my eyes and walk passed her, what she said made me realize part of what was bothering me. She talked about how she ordered trays of precooked items we often have for Thanksgiving. "But wait a minute Mom, I always cook". "I look forward to it every year" I replied.

That's when It hit me and I realized what was bothering me. Right about now Dad and I would begin our shopping list and discuss any changes to the Thanksgiving meal we'd like this year. I'd fight for a ham, and he'd argue how we should try adding some crazy ingredient in the stuffing like nuts or sausage.

When my Dad first got sick, there wasn't much he could do. When he couldn't take me with him to work any longer, instead he taught me to cook. We'd spend hours in the kitchen cooking just about anything, laughing and enjoying our unique sense of humor. It was our way of still bonding despite the changes. As time progressed as did his illness, he'd stay in his bedroom and only help on special occasions... like Thanksgiving.

This Thanksgiving though, with him not around I'm not so sure I know how I'll make it through. I stare at the announcement at work begging for someone to cover that shift, realizing that its the perfect opportunity to avoid dealing with my emotional stress that day. But I also realize that I need to be strong for the rest of the family that misses him too. I lost the man I loved the most, and with the second slipping away now too... I'm just not certain how I'll make it through this holiday season.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Starting with the man in the mirror

Sometimes I sit and wonder, what am I doing? I glance in the mirror but dont recognize the person looking back at me. The things she wants, the things she does, there not my desires there hers.
...I didn't do it Ang. As stupid as it sounds, I'm not ready to give up and move on.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Hurry up and Wait

I came to work yesterday ready to save the innocent victims from the streets on NYC. Yearning for some action, I began my journey to Harlem only to be interrupted half way there by a supervisor in need of assistance. Apparently they forgot to schedule anyone for a standby at a HS Football game on Long Island. The games often get so intense and with the over abundance they have from all their damn property and school taxes they pay out there, they can afford to pay me and my partner to sit on our asses and watch the game. So since none of the hotties were of legal age, this is what I stared at all evening...

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Creating Happiness

I was doing some browsing after releasing some of my stored energy and came across an article I wanted to share about Creating your Own Happiness.
If you have the time, its a very good read. I'm gonna give a try and hope you will too!

I'm gonna start off a bit out of order with # 6: Think gratitude.

Count your blessings. Make a list of all the things you have to be thankful for: family, friends, home, etc. Then write a gratitude list, include everything that happened during the day, for which you can be grateful.

  • I'm grateful first of all for God allowing me another day. Allowing me to wake up (even after hitting the snooze button 4 times) curled up next to Gabby whom somehow snuck into my bed last night. For allowing me another chance to kiss her and tell her of my love for her.
  • For Arriana, the child of whom first showed me the true meaning of love. Although she'd rather spend last night rockin' on guitar hero at Grandma's house rather than coming home with her Momma, still, for being able to call and wake her up and pronounce my love to her too, I thank you.
My list can go on and on, so I'll cut it off here and add to it later. But if you care to check in and read this, then I'm thankful for your concern as well.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008


"The most I can do
for my friend is
simply be his friend."

Although I love you, this battle is one that I'll have to let you fight yourself. No one can create happiness for you, its up to you to find it yourself.

Monday, November 03, 2008


Amongst the many things I must avoid to keep from having another SVT or PVC's, chocolate and coffee are some of them. Two days after the kids brought home pounds and pounds of Hershey's, Kitkats, Reeses and M & Ms, we're down to a fraction of what we started out with. Add yesterdays alcohol consumption and the few cups of coffee it took me to keep me from crawling back into bed today...

........I think I may have over done it!

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Hott Mess

If you read my blog, you probably already know I'm full of emotions. However in person, many of the these are hidden. Co-workers for example don't get to see the Lisa that comes out when she mixes up all that love with a few drinks and some music to shake her ass to. I had a really good time last night, hope I didn't give Luz as many blackmail pics as I did at last years holiday party :P

Anyway, getting back to emotion. I decided I didn't want to go home to an empty house so I thought I'd crash at Mom's and snuggle up with the kids after leaving the party. The best route home would be the Grand Central pkwy, which passes what remains of a place that holds a special place in my heart... Shea Stadium. Unless you live under a rock, you probably already know the METS are getting a new stadium, Citifield. Driving on the highway passing Shea, I've become accustom to seeing the illuminated figures on the big blue Stadium known as William A. Shea Municipal Stadium. Now however, all I see is the glow of construction lights as they level my memories to the ground to make a parking lot for Citifield. Since the city no longer allows for use of explosives or wrecking balls, they must take it apart piece by piece. Ugh.. It feels like having all my teeth pulled out one at a time, invoking memories and bringing tears to your my each time I pass.

Yeah I know, I'm an emotional mess... but that's just me so get used to it, there's plenty more you'll get to see soon!

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Here I Am

At work, I often sit for hours and stare at a blank computer screen as hundreds of thoughts escape me. Music... invokes my feelings or perhaps exacerbates them. Nonetheless like an addiction, its a drug I cant possibly live without. My world, my heart, would be silenced without it.

Today I was on YouTube and came across a song by the beautifully talent artist Leona Lewis:

...Always, Here I am!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Golden Rules

With tons of co-workers sending me emails, I sometimes cant find the time to read the chain letters and crazy stuff they fwd to everyone in the office. One email from Azure however caught my attention and captured my heart and mind:

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a
life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate
of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in
their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting married, they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the #1
mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never
be based on love.
Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a profound
Truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again:
'You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone'; you need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're
serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If
you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with
someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel,
eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful.
You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a
marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of
the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you
need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone
who wants the same thing.

Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and
thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this
person. The
Basis of having good communication is trust - I.e.
Trust that I won't get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest
thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as
someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.
Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe
with the person you plan to marry.

Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on
personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving
A teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who
is always striving to be good and do the right thing'; so ask about your
Significant other what do they do with their time? Is this person
Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top
priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of
people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in
life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the
right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship
work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give
another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure
to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To
measure this, think about the following:
* How do they treat people whom they do not have to be
nice to, Such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.?
* How do they treat their parents and siblings?
* Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't
havegratitude for the people who have given them everything;
* Can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure
that someone
Who treats others poorly will eventually treat you
poorly as well.

Is there anything I'm hoping to change
about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone
with the intention of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married.
As a colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to
change after marriage for the worse' if you cannot fully accept this
person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and
treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and
less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you
are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the
key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up
with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble
because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective. ...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance.... (some of yall may need to read that again)
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least
minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships.
Observe the relationships
around you. (This statement feeds into my thoughts on 'Do Not Make
Someone a Priority In Your Life, When All You Are Is Just An Option For

Pay attention... .
Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones
encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth
uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people
do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't
really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of
mind, love and
truth around you...the easier it will become for you to
decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the
balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep
both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get
involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity,
desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low
self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and
don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as
faults aren't really that important.
* Do you bring out the best in each other?
* Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or
do you
compete, compare and control?
* What do you bring to the relationship?
* Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past
mistrust, past pain?
* You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.
* You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
* If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life';
you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your
happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and
security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes),
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will
erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace it.

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But.........Only God keeps You Going!
'In search for me, I discovered truth.
In search for truth, I discovered love and in search for love, I discovered God.
In God, I have found everything.'
'Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals....'
Author Unknown

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Life in a Game


1 : feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence

2 : mournful , sad

3 : inspiring sorrow, pity, scorn, or ridicule : pitiful

Sorry... a word used too much, yet to many means so little.

I was in the local pharmacy picking up my meds when Gabby asked me to purchase a board game for her. As a family, the girls and I still enjoy some good old fashioned fun from time to time. Her choice today, the game Sorry. Ironically though the game really doesn't reflect anything you sincerely are sorry for doing. You bump someone out of their current status and simply reply "sorry" as you force them to return to start again.

How often we say were sorry and aren't truly sincere?

Sunday, October 26, 2008


Although it was exactly 6 months ago, I remember the moment as if it were yesterday. I was driving home from Joe's, having just entered I-95 when my phone rang. It was Mom. I thought she was calling me to laugh again about how silly her day out with Dad was. Instead she was calling me to tell me that he was sick, very sick indeed. With the adrenaline pumping I did what I was taught to do, asking the appropriate questions. His chest pains and the fact that he had an unusual amount of physical activity told me this could be a heart attack. I gave Mom some quick instructions and told her to call 911 immediately.
I should've been there, I've feared this day since I was a little girl. The day the life I'd fight to save, would the one who gave me life. But I wasn't there... instead I was 1300 miles away.

When Mom arrived at the hospital and they ruled out any immediate life threatening problems, she called me so I could breathe a breath of relief. I thought he'd be ok and told her to call me later when he got admitted. The next morning the whole family went to visit, all except me. I'd planned on returning in 2 days and honestly thought he'd make it, but he didn't. Everyone got to say goodbye, everyone except me. If I'd got in the car right away and returned to NY I could've seen what was going on, I could've advocated for him. At the very least I could've said goodbye.


I have a great deal of respect for my elders. Having already survived numerous battles, their guidance and words of wisdom have helped me become the person I am today.

In his drunken stupor, without knowing the details, he tells me:

“Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about. ”

The strong independant woman inside me tells me to stop calling, stop texting, stop worrying about him... but my heart silences their voices.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

2nd Try

I haven't done many things that I'd be proud of lately, but last night I did pretty good. It took 6 months to get another date outta us, but Ang and I made it through the night without incident. Given our history, a natural disaster was expected but other than almost having to walk down the mountain for gas, the night went surprisingly well.

Big thanks to my Baby Momma for making it all happen and giving me a new fav song!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Time for Me

So if date #1 was a disaster, having to walk the dark streets of NYC in the rain at 3 am to get my car from the impound lot, why would I agree to another? Cause I love her, but Ang... lets opt for valet parking this time, k?!

Next week on the rehab campaign is the TC (any reason for my alcoholic co-workers to get together and party) Baby shower. As Luz and a few others pointed out that I haven't partied with them since last years holiday party, so I've agreed to stay and shake my ass with them through the night.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

All in a Days Work

I pondered it all weekend. Truth is it scares the crap out of me, but its something that could (not absolutely sure) make us happy.

What scares me? I'll tell you one thing, Its not the questions on the application...

Are you willing to tolerate abusive or threatening language from people who, because of their problems, take out their emotions on you?

Are you able to remain emotionally detached in order to respond to situations in a positive, mature and helpful manner?

Are you able to deal with life and death situations multiple times during a shift?

Are you able to listen to a person while their child or parent is dying in their

Are you willing to respond back to work in the case of an emergency, even though you just finished an eight hour shift?

Are you willing to talk to a person who wants to commit suicide?

Are you willing to take directives and orders and abide by them even if you don't agree with them?

...But rather the thought of its location.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Shut it Down

When I give a crew a call, they eagerly rush to the aid of someones cry for help. Very often the calls get cancelled for various reasons. When they do, I instruct them to "shut it down", turning off the lights and sirens.

This morning I grabbed a friends new phone and read a quote he had as his wallpaper:

"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. "
C. P. SnowEnglish novelist & scientist (1905 - 1980)

Its absolutely correct. If your searching for happiness in something or perhaps someone, you'll never find it. You've gotta go out there and create your own happiness. Whether it be goofing around at the park with the kids or cooking someones favorite dinner, maybe even a night of dancing with friends. Nonetheless only you can create your own happiness. Don't sit around waiting for someone else to do it, you'll only find yourself disappointed. Shut it down girl.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Shea Family Restroom

So I get this email from the METS, advertising the various items their auctioning off from whats left of Shea Stadium before they level it and turn it into a parking lot for the new CitiField Stadium. Look what I found:
There's only one other person that would understand why this auction excites me. I wont bid on it though, it stayed just a thought. We should've done it!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

If I Were a Boy

If I were a boy
even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it
cause they stick up to me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrooong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Good Humor

You think its a bad sign if the ice cream man is trying to set you up on a date? I've known the guy all my life. It was flattering to hear the 60 something yr old describe me as being a sexy red-head and a responsible mom that works her ass off for her family, but what made the situation even more entertaining was Nicks Aunt passing by and saying hello.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

How are You?

Hows everything? Everything OK?

Of course not, but "okay" is the right answer, right?! Why do we give the conditioned answer yes, rather than the truth? Is it that we don't wanna get into the details, or do I doubt you care enough to really wonder how I'm doing anyway?

Nonetheless, I'm OK.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

No Hay Dia Que Pase...

When I first got my car, Ang made me a cd with a bunch of music she'd know I'd like. She threw everything from NKOTB to Alicia Keys, Tarzan and Patrick Swazye. But there was one song that she mistakingly chose from the selection of Marc Anthony.

After work tonight, I kinda wasnt in a hurry to get home. I decided to pop the cd in and see what random song would play.

I dont think this rehab thingy is going very well.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008


Music... Its one of many great gifts God's given us. The ability to thank him and express millions of other emotions through the lyrics. Like the strings of a harp, each song has a way to tug on our heart. Now though... I'll be checking into rehab.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Gonna Smile Cause I Deserve to

2 weeks and no word yet. 2 Weeks that I've called and sent messages to no avail, with every single one being returned because they've expired. Every time the phone rings my heart skips a beat, hoping that one day it'll be you on the other end. But as time passes, it becomes vaguer and as what little hope I had left slips away.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Running in Circles

Ang left me this comment on my profile . I havent told her yet, but it really struck a chord in my heart. We're always offering each other support and insight. Sometimes the advice others give though isn't exactly what we necessarily wish to hear, nonetheless its probably true. Reality sucks like that!

Here I sit on the locker room bench looking down at my running shoes. The soles are all worn out from abuse and neglect. I have two options now, I can either stop the running or toss them out and get new ones.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

A Dream is a wish your heart makes

Its happening again. I'm getting that itch to get outta NYC again. I guess I'm just stressed and have so much going on, that the idea of escaping it all rather than dealing with it seems much more appealing.

On a side note. The girls started their kids college classes at Kingsborough yesterday. While they were in class I toured my old school and rekindled some wonderful memories. As soon as I walked into the Marine Academic Center, I was taken away by the shark tank that still stands in the lobby. It was there at that very moment that I knew that Gabby wasn't the only one who should be in marine biology class. Afterwards I took her to the research lab and like a little kid at a fair, I gleamed at the exhibits.

It was then that I realized what I needed to do. Maybe Nick was right, maybe I can be a world famous Marine Biologist. Its not too late to switch majors...

Perhaps It'll motivate me to hang around here a bit longer.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Everything, Everywhere

What am I to do. Where am I to go when everything reminds me of you?

...Every song
...Every movie

Everywhere I turn a memory, a smile, a wish.

Hope you know just how much your missed!

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

My soldier, My Hero

My buddy Sgt Roman just left for tour # 3 in Iraq. He came to visit NY last week but had his leave time unexpectedly cut short. We weren't able to physically see each other like we'd hoped, however we were able to spend some time chatting. It's always nice to have someone completely out of the "loop" look at your problems and offer insight.

Anyway at 2am he'll be catching his first of many flights that'll lead to his return to the front line. He'll be joining other buddies of mine, former neighbors, colleagues and more that hold a special place in my heart. Lord I pray you keep them safe in your hands as well as the many loved ones they leave behind.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Shea Goodbye

Ok unless you live under a rock, you probably already know that the Mets blew their chance again this year. The final game at Shea stadium was awesome though, full of everything I'd expected it would be, with the exception of Marc Anthony surprising me and making an appearance to sing the national anthem. He totally threw me over the top. I was flying!

The Mets may have blew a few chances this season, but I still love them. This was the first game I attended and didnt make my walk down the ramp in victory. It really upset me to hear other so-called-fans expressing their anger and renouncing their being Mets Fans. Love is unconditional. It may not be great all the time, but making it through the rough times shows just how true it really is.

Thanks to BigDawg for making it all happen. Love ya big Bro ^_^

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Final Day

... Going to Shea to take my damn wildcard!

You've Got Mail

I was just sitting here chatting with a friend who's trying to get me to work for a hospital in Queens, looking for my resume in my email box when I came across a special collection of emails. Yes I'll admit it, I'm a dork. I saved every email we've ever sent each other.

Some made me laugh, some made me cry. But every last one reminded me of how much we've enjoyed one another. While I'm not certain of the future, our past is full of nothing but wonderful memories. I remember when the last thing I'd do before bed was send you an email and hope for a reply when I woke up. When I couldn't go more than an hour or two without stopping to see if I had a surprise waiting in my inbox. We've gone mobile now, but still very little has changed. I keep the text messages that hold special meaning to me and still reach for you when I wake up.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Yay... Shea!

So I'm sitting here all stressed out at work and shit when suddenly I get a text message from Big Dawg. Apparently his friend bailed out on him leaving him with an extra ticket to the final game at Shea Stadium. I've been trying to get my hands on tickets to this particular game for months. I'm so excited!

Friday, September 26, 2008


Ok I know I've been talking smack about Starbucks for years now. The idea of paying 5 bucks for a cup of coffee was a huge turn off for me. Two weeks ago I was sent on a special assignment at work, taking a patient to a hospital way out east on Long Island. I was craving coffee. I needed it bad! I drove for miles and all I could find was a new Starbucks along the service road. In this case, sacrificing my personal beliefs for one of those $5 cups of coffee was much more appealing than the idea of the news reporting a tragic crash involving an ambulance on the expressway.

Looking at the menu it was easy to see I wasn't part of the Starbucks clique. Do I really need to get the Starbucks for dummies just to be able to understand their damn menu?! All I wanted was a simple cup of coffee! Then like a child I was attracted to the pretty colors. They had this nifty chalkboard and on it someone drew this months featured flavor, Pumpkin Spice Latte.

My new crack...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Name Changes

I finally had the patience to wait on hold with CUNY to find out what happened to my application for re-admission. Apparently my leaving Kingsborough to follow my new husband down to the bayou confused the admission staff. After faxing some additional documents, I should be all clear to return but 4 months later than I hoped.

This morning I was listening to my favorite radio station as they discussed divorce. One of the radio personalities got the guts to publicly announce his divorce. He spoke of how miserable he'd been for years, sleeping in his car to avoid coming home, turning off his phone to avoid madness and his deep depression. I began to think about my own life before the separation too. I think the military worked quite well for us because we had a good excuse not to be together. If were not together then we cant fight, right?! When he was home though, all I asked of him was to go to church as a family just once a week. I cried my eyes out to God asking that he dealt with my husbands heart, but he still refused to join us. Richie wouldn't do anything with the Family. We'd do all the family outings alone while he stayed home and did whatever he enjoyed. When the fighting stopped and I thought things were getting better I discovered he was being unfaithful. Still I stood by my husband and prayed for better days. When he felt I was close to leaving, he'd suddenly show affection. We'd pretend things were good for a few days but before we knew it, were right back where we started again.

Even after my husband and I separated he messed with my head for years. He'd pick up the girls on weekends and say just what he knew would work at keeping my heart in his hands. Would use me and leave me again, in pain. The same pain and renewed head games kept me from allowing anyone else in. I went out on a few dates, but still couldn't commit. In the back of my head I seriously thought he was going through a phase and would soon come around. I wanted so desperately for my family to be whole again.

Thankfully years later I came to realize his love was all wrong. By no means am I placing all the blame on him. I realize now what I could've or should've done differently. I'm not one to give up on something I have my heart into, but I should've done it years ago. If he doesn't make you feel good, doesn't make you happy, doesn't make you want to tell the whole world how much you love him... then he's not the one for you. Sure we may not realize it at first, being blinded by the image of love we imagine to see. Eventually we see what love really is and recognize it never was there to begin with. If I'm lucky enough to find it again, I can only hope that my hearts not too scarred to recognize it.

Ohh yeah... back to the application for admissions and searching for the reason my name changed from Flores.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Friday, September 19, 2008

Lights & Sirens

If you care enough to keep in contact with me, you probably already know I'm in a bad mood. I've got alot going on right now and am not really good at solving problems at an instant. What I am good at though is my work.

Yesterday I was so uncomfortable that I seriously contemplated calling out, instead I worked through the pain and jumped on board. Right out of the base I was given a code one emergency for a hypotensive crisis. Great... all I imagined the entire way was the risks associated with me being involved in a high speed crash. Ironically my Dr just finished discussing the risks of my job and how I could bleed to death if I were in a major traumatic incident. Still, it didn't stop me from swerving in between cars with my lights and sirens blaring, rushing to save the day. In fact I did it a few more times yesterday as well. I did however end the day on a rather funny note. Nothing hotter than a redheaded EMT with her ass hanging out right?!

... I split my pants on my last call. LOL