Thursday, October 30, 2008

Golden Rules

With tons of co-workers sending me emails, I sometimes cant find the time to read the chain letters and crazy stuff they fwd to everyone in the office. One email from Azure however caught my attention and captured my heart and mind:

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a
life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate
of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in
their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting married, they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the #1
mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never
be based on love.
Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a profound
Truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again:
'You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone'; you need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're
serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If
you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with
someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel,
eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful.
You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a
marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of
the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you
need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone
who wants the same thing.

Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and
thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this
person. The
Basis of having good communication is trust - I.e.
Trust that I won't get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest
thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as
someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.
Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe
with the person you plan to marry.

Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on
personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving
A teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who
is always striving to be good and do the right thing'; so ask about your
Significant other what do they do with their time? Is this person
Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top
priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of
people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in
life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the
right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship
work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give
another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure
to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To
measure this, think about the following:
* How do they treat people whom they do not have to be
nice to, Such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.?
* How do they treat their parents and siblings?
* Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't
havegratitude for the people who have given them everything;
* Can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure
that someone
Who treats others poorly will eventually treat you
poorly as well.

Is there anything I'm hoping to change
about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone
with the intention of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married.
As a colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to
change after marriage for the worse' if you cannot fully accept this
person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and
treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and
less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you
are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the
key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up
with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble
because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective. ...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance.... (some of yall may need to read that again)
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least
minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships.
Observe the relationships
around you. (This statement feeds into my thoughts on 'Do Not Make
Someone a Priority In Your Life, When All You Are Is Just An Option For

Pay attention... .
Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones
encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth
uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people
do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't
really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of
mind, love and
truth around you...the easier it will become for you to
decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the
balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep
both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get
involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity,
desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low
self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and
don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as
faults aren't really that important.
* Do you bring out the best in each other?
* Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or
do you
compete, compare and control?
* What do you bring to the relationship?
* Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past
mistrust, past pain?
* You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.
* You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
* If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life';
you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your
happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and
security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes),
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will
erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace it.

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But.........Only God keeps You Going!
'In search for me, I discovered truth.
In search for truth, I discovered love and in search for love, I discovered God.
In God, I have found everything.'
'Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals....'
Author Unknown

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