Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

I wanna start by wishing every one a Merry Christmas. Today as your gathered around your loved ones, take a moment to really soak in the true meaning of the holidays.

To me Christmas is about taking even just a brief moment to let the ones you truly care about know just what they mean to you. Sure we'll get loads of gifts we didn't ask for that we'll probably re-wrap and give away to cousin Paul next year. But for now, just being surrounded by my family is all I could've asked for. Sure I could've asked for a new digital camera to replace the one that fell in the toilet, or maybe an I-pod to keep my fat ass motivated at the gym. But that's not what really matters to me.

I'll be honest. I spent most of my day yesterday crying. On what would've been my 7th wedding anniversary, as I put the finishing touches on my divorce papers, all I could think about is all the disappointment from years past. This year I decided to make a change. I'm not getting out of my PJ's today, instead I'll spend the rest of this holiday putting together the kids toys and cooking one hell of a dinner for us. Maybe I'll share a drink or two with Grandma as we watch "A Christmas Story" for the 10th time, or perhaps a few episodes of "Orange County Choppers" with Grandpa, but at least I can honestly say, I enjoyed myself this holiday season.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

FOAD, the X-Mas edition

I wrote so many blogs in my head last night before bed, and now I cant think of anything to write. Ok so for now I'll stick to the damn holiday songs that play over and over, that make me want to throw my damn radio out the window.

I remember the days when I loved holiday music. But those days are now long gone. They've been replaced with depression. The feeling of loss I feel when I look back at the holiday pictures I took from the years past. The feeling of emptying out my bank account purchasing gifts for family and loved ones that don't return the love. This years extra special, while I finish doing my divorce papers the right way, I'll send them with a big FOAD to all the deserting family down in FL that had no care in the world when me and my children lost our home and had no where to stay. Then have the nerve to claim that I ran away from my husband with our children without his consent. FOAD! You know damn well that none of you were willing to help. We lost our house because he stopped paying for it when he moved in with his "friend Mark" who later turned out to be his F*cking girlfriend Mary, whom might I add was first discovered by our 5yr old daughter that walked in on them in bed together. Where were you guys then?

Next... I wanna take some time to bitch about Ray. Ok lets start where the fun began, on my birthday. He forgot it, and has yet to make up for it over a month later. Prior to that he was in Boston visiting family for thanksgiving which was ok'd with me prior. As was the returning for Christmas when he asked me a few weeks ago, telling me he'd be back on Christmas Eve. I reluctantly agreed, being pissed of at him anyway. Now just this past thursday he told me he'd changed his mind and had decided to stay here with me and do something special with the kids. While I was in the girlscout party friday night at 8:50 I get a text message telling me that he's hitching a ride to Boston with his family and will be leaving at 9:00. A ten minute notice? It thats not enough yesterday he tells me that he wont be back until tuesday because the bus wont be running on Christmas day. Bull Shit!!! Im ready to cut him off.

So please forgive me for having such a bitter heart. This is an extra special time of year for me. With all this shit running through my head, I'm not exactly having "the most wonderful time of the Year".

Monday, December 18, 2006

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of year. However I know I'm not alone in saying that for me, its a rather depressing time of year. I know first hand that a lot of people get depressed this time of year. I'm one of the lucky ones to haul their asses off to the damn ER. But on a personal note, with the caroling and sipping hot cocoa in front of the Christmas tree, comes the painful reminder of all that I've lost. I once had what I felt was the ideal lifestyle. I was a stay at home mom, with 1.5 children, a dog and a house of my own. This time of year we'd be shopping at walmart for this years holiday decorations. Maybe choosing a new set of lights to adorn the roof molding and spending way too much on a new lawn decoration. But in the end seeing the house lit up every night as we pulled in from our evening outings and feeling the sense of pride that comes along with the accomplishments was indescribable. All I know is, ever since It's been taken away by the ex, its been hard to see it ever happening again. I would love to have it all back, but to get there again I would have to get remarried and to get there I would... well, have to open my heart again.

Speaking of which, I seriously almost broke up with Ray last night. I'm still upset that he hasn't made up for forgetting my birthday. Ok so maybe I did tell him that I didn't know what I wanted for my birthday, but damn that doesn't mean you should skip it all together!!! WTF? One things for sure, no relationship can possibly survive without communication. I need to tell him that I'm still upset about this, and the other issues that I have with him. I personally need to hear him say "I Love You". Throw all the BS macho-man image crap out the window and flex your heart muscle not just your biceps.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Maybe I Was Wrong

Ok maybe I was wrong, I wasn't getting any better, in fact I got worse. I don't know if it was the lack of sleep or just all the germ ridden children I was surrounded by over the weekend, but I've got a whopper of a cold. I'm still not quite over the stomach bug, but can now chug some vicks down with my pepto (yes quite tasty I must add). Anyway, I slept longer last night than I could ever remember in my life. With the exception of the 20 minutes it took me to call out sick, I slept 20 hours. Of course the kids interruppted a bit, but still 20 hours? WOW. That was some good shit!!! And honestly if I layed down again, I'd be out for a few more.

I'm forcing myself to stay up and get better though. Tomorrow night is my company Christmas party and I really , really wanna go. So, I'm putting my ass through viral boot-camp. Doing everything proven to speed up recovery of a cold. I've had chicken soup, tea, plenty of rest and all the other good stuff.

Ya know, its amazing what your mind thinks of when your under the influence (yes...even pepto and vicks cocktails). I had some pretty wild dreams. One in particular was of a person I know well, and I know that we both have a liking of rollercoasters. How we both ended up on one together and what went down later in that wild dream will have me looking at him differently for a bit. Speaking of which let me stop blabbing away and check out my work emails, make sure I still have a job after all this being sick shit. I'll check ya laters!

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Doing Much Better

I made it through the weekend, and I'm starting my work week off with a 16 hour shift. Im not feeling completly better, but i'll be fine.

.... I've stared at this next empty line trying to see where to take the conversation from here, but I seem to be in a bit of a block. Im actually at work now, which obviously isnt all that difficult if I could find the time to blog. Im sorta here to answer any questions that may come up. Hopefully this is a rather un-eventful night so I can get some sleep.

Thursday, November 30, 2006


I didn't want you to think I forgot you or anything. I've just been feeling kinda yucky the past few days and am trying to get some rest. Being that us single parents cant really take sick days, I manage to find a few moments in between to check my emails and spend sometime doing things I enjoy.
So... Brief it may be, but at least I made an effort in between the frequent trips to the porcelain god. Peace Out!!!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Birthday Drama

First I'd like to thank those who made me feel special on my day. My wonderful co-worker's suprised me and turned my frown upside down with lunch and an ice cream cake. My family who made me a wonderful dinner that had me hugging not only them but the porclean god all night too. Even the clerk at the counter at my gym caught me by suprise. Im sure some automated message popped up on her screen to point it out to her, nontheless it cheered me up for even that slight moment.

I really don't like putting my personal life out there like this and I try not to because I usually don't make it through without shedding a few tears. My Ex husband and I had some major issues, one was him forgetting special days. I don't expect every man to remember every day or anniversary, but birthdays are pretty important. The Ray is on my shit list now too. He knew that my birthday was coming last weekend when he asked me what I wanted, so why were the words "Happy Birthday" far from his lips? Ray is famous for sending text messages expressing his love, but has yet to tell me in person that he loves me, even though we've been together for about 6 months. However even that method wasn't used. Absolutely nothing!!! He forgot, And I seriously hope that when he does realize that he messed up big time, that he apologizes appropriately. Otherwise I'm almost positive he'll be gone soon. He started by spending Thanksgiving away in Boston. The fact that he chose to be so far away isn't what bothered me, its the fact that he chose to send me text messages throughout the entire time rather than actually calling. Why couldn't he take the extra effort to even just key me up on the nextel if he weren't able to carry on a conversation? ...Makes me a bit suspicious.

Yeah ok, I see where this is going. The decision isn't so easy this time around though. There are kids involved with this one. My kids absolutely adore Ray. I'm not in a very good position here. I wont however let it ruin my holiday. I think instead I've been venting by being in a super-holiday mood. I've been decorating every room in sight.

I don't know, maybe I'm bipolar or something!!!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Woo Fukin Hoo!

I don't know why or how it all started, but I'm suddenly feeling something vaguely familiar. The same something that ended my relationship with Big dawg, just may end my current relationship as well. I wont go into details, because... well I just cant tell anyone yet. If I write it here, then I can no longer doubt myself and run the risk of telling the culprit. Yes, I do for whatever reason actually have people reading. God help them!

Anyway, tomorrow's my birthday. I should be excited, I should tell the world I want a nice carvel cake with those yummy crunchies and all. But the truth is I'd rather just lay here and listen to my depressing music. Woo Fukin Hoo!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Left Over Turkey

Happy Left Over Turkey Day to ya'll! I really don't have a valid excuse for not blogging earlier. So I'll spare you any lies. I started my holiday shopping, and yes on black Friday. I even skipped out of work early to get to those 5am sales. Although I justified the daylong venture as a trip to shop for my own birthday present, I didn't exactly do just that. But hey I got some pretty cute toys for the kids.

Well... The Ray has been gone for almost a week now and I must say, I kinda don't miss him. As sad as it may sound, I've been enjoying the freedom. No phone calls every few hours, no guilting me into squeezing in visits, and no sleepless days. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with him and all, but I'm starting to have thoughts of doubt again. I honestly never expected to be where we are today, but at the same time I see myself having to make a decision soon about our possible future and whether it'll be together or apart. I haven't found any bad about him, but then again maybe that's what scares me.

On a brighter note, I think I've finished training the Fucktard. See honestly, I personally have trained many people. Including clueless chicks, kids getting their first real job, and then there's just the plain old retards. This latest trainee, the Fucktard, has been by far my most difficult of them all. We should've been done a long time ago. He's just so damn stubborn. For example, if I try to reprimand him, and explain why not to do stupid shit, he'll do his best to justify himself. He's driving us all insane, oh and heaven forbid he come to work ontime. Sigh.... Anyway tonight Is the last night I will be working the overnight shift. I've taught Fucktard everything he needs to know. Where he takes it is completely up to him, but my babysitting days are over. Hopefully I'll get a few weeks away before he gets himself fired and I have to come back to Overnights.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Bah Humbug

Well Its almost that time of year again. I've just gotta get the brown sugar and Karo syrup for my sweet potatoes and then I'll be all set for my turkey dinner. YUM YUM!

Its what follows the dinner that I'm usually all excited about. This year however I'm not as thrilled as usual. Before we moved back to NY, we would fly around the country and visit our friends and family for the holidays. Now that I'm in a rather different circumstance, I really wont be traveling anywhere except maybe to see friends here in NY. The shit head ex wants to visit with his trashy chick, of course he'll call 2 days before the kids are expecting him and come up with some lame excuse for not being able to show up. Then there's his family, whom have become just as reliable. They'll call and leave me messages asking why I don't call them. HELLO... You guys are part of the equation too. Don't blame your lack of interest on me!!! Oh and this year you guys aren't getting presents from us. Call me cheap, call me what ever you want but since you guys have failed to send to us for any holiday or birthday for the past three years, I've decided to boycott. Bah Humbug to you and your family.

Although my expectations aren't very high this season, I still cant help but hope for a Christmas (0r even birthday)miracle this year.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

New & Improved

I'm sitting here tonight prouder than I've been in a while. My day started out with cleaning the big mess the kids left while I worked yesterday, then followed up with my employee evaluation at work. As I prepared, I practiced my "shove your 30 cents up your ass speech" and I was ready to tell them what I really felt about shit, much to my surprise it wasn't necessary. See TP'ing my supervisors car the other night had absolutely no negative bearing on my evaluation, and I was graciously rewarded an awesome raise. We did however agree that I need to toughen up a bit. So...l got to working on it right away and made myself darn proud.

I started out with my sister whom woke me up at 6 am and didn't even apologize. Lets go back 6 weeks, when my mother lay on the operating table "bleeding out" and us getting the call that we need to come the hospital ASAP to be with her, not knowing if she'd be alive when we got there. Well, my sister's abusive boyfriend was strongly against her leaving the house that evening. I handed my sister some brass balls and we were quickly on our way despite his objections. Thankfully mom pulled through and is back to her old pain-in-the-ass self. Ironically though, I get a call while I'm at work yesterday about his mother. See karma's a wonderful thing! He got word that his mom and her roommate were both involved in a fire and the cat lovers refused to leave their apartment without their feline friends. The roommate is currently in a burn unit listed in critical condition, while his mother is listed as either missing or presumed to be dead. A body was pulled from the ruble two days after the structure collapsed however was so badly burned that they cannot determine the sex nor the identity.

Please forgive me for not crying, but rather rejoicing. The lady and her demon seed of a son have tormented my sister for over 10 years. When I heard he said she wished to be cremated without any special service, I joked at how she even took care of her final arraignments for us. Now my sister says that I was all heartless and shit, I disagree. I guess I just have a different outlook on death being in my profession. When we pull up on scene and someone's obviously dead, were usually relieved because we can hand our stiff over to someone else and go finish our lunch. Even when I worked hospice, knowing that my patients were never gonna be in pain again, was a relief. So call me f*cked up if you will, but I see her dying as a good thing. The world is one bitch shorter now!

Next victim was the Ex- husband. I gave him a bad taste that he'll be shitting out for days. I don't care If you lie and tell me that you've been trying to call your kids for weeks and haven't been able to get through. No voicemails left = no f*cking calls. But don't tell me, tell the kids that have already forgot what you look and sound like you ass wipe. Yes it hurts to know that they don't miss you anymore, but hey at least they know I wont forget their birthdays!

I'm sure there were a few more instances today, but damn it, it's 3am give me a break. **Sigh** I love this feeling! I'm on a roll baby, who'll be my next subject?

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Same Shit Different Day

I'm back from outerspace. Sorry I didn't drop off the face of the planet, just blogger. The damn site was down when I finally got around to posting a few days ago, hopefully this time it works!!!

Well where do I get begin to get caught up? I'm officially cancer free and fully functioning. I'm pretty much having a good time with the exception of the situation with my mom. Nothing like a good scare to force you to make changes in your life. A few weeks ago my mom went to the hospital for a fairly routine procedure, however due to complications she began to what we call 'bleed out' and almost died. She was forced to quit smoking secondary to being hooked up to numerous machines in the ICU for a week. In my eyes, this is great (the smoking that is)! I've been trying to get her to quit smoking and drinking and begin to generally take care of herself, if not for her own sake, then for the sake of all the people that love her.

Well the good news is that mom has been officially smoke free for over a month now. The bad... she's more than making up for it with her drinking. We got into another huge argument tonight over this. See I work the overnight shift and leave my kids in her hands. But when she's drunk off her ass like tonight, I cant do it. Of course I really have no choice right now, all I could do is hope and pray that if something were to really happen and the kids needed someone, that my brother could step in and help them. I work very close, and could be home in less than 5 minutes if needed, but this uneasy feeling has got me to the point where I'm ready to quit my job if I cant be moved to a different shift.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Just me Babbling

I dont really have anyting in particular to blog about today, but i'll force myself to babble about something anyway. Last night was Elena's wedding rehersal. Nothing like a wedding when your depressed. I'm really happy for her though. I love Elena and would do anything for my Bridezilla. I do however find myself doubting my feelings for Ray. I dont know why I do, I've never had a man quite as sincere as him. Last night he came along for the rehersal, fit right in with our friends and family, and then what happened last night is what has me spinning. I had my period and wasnt feeling very well, so what does he do? he layed there all night with his arms around me. I may not admit it, but one of the 'tricks' I play in determining wether a guy really adores me, is the whole 'turning away and see if he reaches for me trick'. What scares me is that he passed, as a matter of fact, he's passed just about every test so far. I know Elena's wedding is gonna be a memorable moment for the two of us, I just wish I wasnt so scared to love again myself.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Depression Making A Comeback

Sorry I've been gone so long. A lot has happened in my absence. Where should I begin? Well lets start with the fact that I'm depressed beyond belief.

Last week I received a phone call from my doctor. He was calling to break my euphoria. Just like every other time I felt like I was actually happy, someone has to come and deliver bad news that breaks me. He was calling to tell me that one of my tests came back positive for cancerous cells on my cervix....

My sister's gone through this so I sorta know what to expect. I still however cant help but to be overcome by emotions. I was finally at a point in my life where I was accepting my current status. I try not to, but I cant help but worry about the 'what if's?'. What if the biopsy shows to be worse than expected?

I know I shouldn't think this way, but I cant help but feel a need to re-examine my life right now. I'm not as happy as I could be. I was starting to think I could actually love again, but now I see myself subconsciously sabotaging my relationships with not only Ray but everyone else for that matter. I'm falling deep into depression again, only I don't want to. I love the people in my life, I just wish they all knew and could help me somehow.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Today's Lesson

Woo hoo I just realized until now, I've had exactly 69 posts. That's a pretty good number. Ok back on subject. Today boys and girls I want to take sometime to speak about sex and work. Sex should never have to be work, and work should never involve sex. Got it? Good?
I noticed the other day, just how many people I flirt with at work. But none, I can honestly say have had the "Li*a experience". My life is complicated enough, I don't need any help exhasterbating it further. Ok so I'm not getting any right now, that doesn't mean I need to shit where I work. We need the very few good people we have left there, and I've vowed to not be personally responsible for anyone else turning in their resignation. Got it, good! Just please remind me from time to time. I seem to get lost in the moment and may need the constant reminder. Thanks!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Challenge Completed

Ok It seems I've succeeded at managing to eliminate all the baggage out of my life. Well, the guys at least. Eddie and the crush have finally decided to stop talking to my voicemail and Joe (who was my final challenge)much to my surprise, sent me an email asking me to break up with him. Ok, sure no problem, except that we were never really dating. But whatever, I can now focus on the one guy who holds my heart.
I must say, it's quite strange feeling the way I do about him. I was at a point in my life where I was holding back my emotions, where I felt I couldn't trust my heart in anyone's hands. I've been burnt, Lied to, cheated on and emotionally abused. Allowing another man into my life has been a fairly difficult task. When the past few attempts at a relationship began to get serious, I bailed and ran away scared. I took some time off to reflect, and to recover. Now just as I was convinced I didn't need a man to make me feel complete, one comes along and challenges everything I believed.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Take A Hint

After two weeks of being sent to my voicemail, this guy still doesn't get the hint that I don't want to talk to him anymore. Ok maybe I'm a chicken for not being able to tell him upfront, but I just cant tell him I'm gone. I've always chosen to sabotage the relationship and have the guys decide to leave when I wanted out, Its just easier that way. I wouldn't have to fess up to my emotions and don't have to feel like shit for breaking someone's heart.

Two weeks ago I decided that there was something about Eddie (new name's gonna be Stalker) that just wasn't clicking. He only calls when he's at work down the street. The convenient pit stop for the occasion fill-up was nice, it wasn't great but then when we were done, he'd go home and I wouldn't hear from him again until he was at work. I've got a pretty good sense that he's going home to a wife or someone else. And my suspicions almost always prove to be true.

But back to the subject, for two damn weeks now I've been sending his 5 calls a day to voicemail. With the exception of early Saturday morning when I answered without first looking at my caller-id. But even then, I told him that I was sleeping and to call back later. Come on now. Maybe I should get a male friend to answer my phone one day and tell him to stop calling me, damn it!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

I did It, and It Feels Soooo GOOD!

Well, I did it. I gathered up the courage to get a tattoo. I decided to go with something small so I could 'get the feel of it' before getting the one I really want. Here's a pic of what I got.

Sorry about the crappy quality. I took the pic with my camera phone. The Tat's nice and decent sized though, wrapping around my wrist.
I felt like a rebel when I came home and had to face my parents though. Mom says I'm crazy and it was a waste of money. Dad says I should've gotten the words stupid tattooed across my forehead. Ahh... making the parents mad, just like the good ole days, LOL.
The only gripe I have about the whole idea is not being able to submerge in the bath or swim for a few weeks. I could deal with the pain, I could deal with the arguing with my parents and staying out of the sun, but not being able to swim for a few weeks.. this will be tough. I didn't even stay out when I had any of my many broken bones with the water soluble casts. I could so see myself swimming with my arm in a plastic bag again, LOL.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Friday Drama

Why does it hurt so bad? I'm not good at this whole rejection stuff. I'm trying so hard to end things with Eddie and The Crush, but cant help but feel really guilty. I really do like them both, but I'm not able to carry on more than one relationship at a time. When I first met Eddie, I was immediately drawn to his personality and his flirtacious ways. It sorta balanced out what Ray was lacking. I took the opportunity to use Eddie for exactly what the two of us needed. I didn't mind that he only called during business hours, I didn't care. Now however, I've got a suspicion that there's more to him than he's be letting me in on. It's kind of strange that he doesn't call me when he's home. This makes me suspect that he's going home to a wife or significant other. What hurts me, is ignoring his phone calls. He's called at least 3 times a day for the past few days, each time begging me to call him back. I wanna crawl into a hole and die each time, I really liked him and cant seem to live with the idea of breaking his heart. **Sigh**

The Crush on the other hand, I've only spoken to again recently because yesterday was his birthday. I'm proud of myself for resisting the temptation, but we didn't celebrate.

Now as for Ray, I'm hoping this weekend will be a big weekend for us. I really would like to get closer to him. Hopefully he's worth all this drama I've created in my life reserving a space in my heart for him.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

I Dont Wanna Do This Anymore

I've allowed a whole week to go by without blogging. Why? Mainly because I don't want to listen to myself. A few months ago I was upset that I didn't have a significant other in my life, now I have 4. Yes that's right 4. I never intended to go as far as I have with 3 of them. The 4th is the one I really like and really want to be with. He's the one I spend most of my free time with and really connect with. The other three on the other hand met my needs temporarily and I'm struggling with the task of letting them go.

It was never easy for me to break up with a great guy. Each one has the prospect of becoming something I would've liked to explore more. As shallow as it sounds I was kinda hoping to keep the friendship with them so that if I ever needed their benefits again, it would still be available to me. But then again thats what has got me in the mess that I'm in.

I'm trying the 'lets pretend I dropped off the face of the earth' routine. But feel so bad when they call and send emails that go unanswered, remember I'm a person with a conscience that works overtime. This isn't very easy for me.
**Sigh** Hopefully I'll have some better news after this weekends visit with Ray. If he could confirm what I already know, then that would change a whole lot for me.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

FOAD Thursday

Last minutes FOAD to the Ex-husband...

I just informed him that we will not be going to FL like I had casually mentioned a few weeks ago. Funny how he could remember me telling him that, but cant remember to call his kids and say hello at least once or twice a month, or even better remember to send presents for birthdays and holidays.
See the fuck face owes them several thousand dollars in over due child support. Had he been helping with the financial aspect of raising the kids, I would've been able to make it happen this summer. But since he hasn't, I had to call off the plans. I could've worked my ass off and come up with the money, but then again, I shouldn't be the only person working at making this happen.
So just for you Richie....FOAD so we could atleast get survivor benefits!

Rules and Regulations

I just finished having a conversation with the Nick and Rick about sex and relationships. Being that I've lived under a rock the past ten years, catching up with all of the new rules of dating hasn't been the easiest to say the least.

Apparently there's a big difference between making love, having sex and simply F*cking. When you F*ck someone, its just that, serving no other purpose but to satisfy one another's physical needs. When you like someone perhaps as a friend with benefits, you'll have sex with them which includes a bit more contact than a plain F*ck ie: kissing. Making love on the other hand is something that you share with a person to whom you have a special relationship with, maybe you significant other.

What makes this even more strange is that we all tend to agree that we could f*uck just about anyone, but yet will not put our tongue in another mouth unless we knew the person well enough. We could have sex with a friend or other interest without any reserve, however If we truly like someone that we're dating we tend to hold off on the sex for a bit longer than usual. This holds so true for my current status. I just allowed the secret admirer some special access but yet am taking things really slow in my current relationship with Ray. He and I have barely kissed, never made out, but have shared some naughty chat.

Why is it that we do this? Is it because I fear having a meaningless relationship with Ray like I do with the others in the picture?

Sigh...sometimes I think dating isn't worth the drama it creates. I get these mixed feelings and tend to subconsciously sabotage the relationship.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Running Everyone Away

Ok let the games begin. In an attempt to rid my self of unnecessary additional resources, I've decided to give a few guys the boot this week. Starting with Eddie the mechanic who will be getting no booty calls, at least for now. Then there's the secret admirer and "Ish", both of whom I've had to piss off to get them to stop calling and leave me the hell alone.

I don't know why its so hard for me to tell people that their services are no longer needed. I didn't sleep with any of them, but yet they all were hoping to get some from me. Sorry guys, but I'm holding out for someone special. Hopefully he'll have the guts to go for it soon.

Also of mention is my good friend Joe from FL. See Joe and I were neighbors in FL, he being a single dad and my being a single mom, we both helped each other through many difficult times. Now Joe has began expressing interest in me and has asked if I'd consider moving back to FL to be with him. Our kids get along great seeing them is always a pleasure, but I just cant see myself having a relationship with him for some reason. Call me crazy but even though I'd have it all, a loyal husband, a house a few cars and a wonderful family, I don't think I could love Joe like that. So... because of this and the additional drama that a visit to Florida this summer would cause, I've decided to cancel all my plans.

Once again I'm doing what I do best, avoiding the situation so I don't have to deal with it.

Monday, August 07, 2006

What If?

If you loved someone, how soon after you met them would you let them know?
What if they couldn't love you? What if they were afraid of loving again? Would you help them overcome their fear, or leave them for someone who could love you back?

Friday, August 04, 2006

Friday Drama Update

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Apparently the incident that I had last week with my mom, that led to me taking a drive late at night, and then getting a flat tire. Was supposed to happen. If it didn't, then I wouldn't have taken the car to the tire shop and have been seduced by Eddie the mechanic. I'm actually pretty happy I did too. My relationship with Ray has been a bit well... slow. Three dates and It took a special trip with an ambulance at 2am to get a kiss out of him. Eddie on the other hand was trying to get one out of me after maybe 3 minutes. With Eddie being so close to the home, its been very easy to pop in for a quick hello and to receive the managers special.
Initially I was struggling with the decision of whether or not to involve myself with two relationships at once. However thanks to the advice from the Nick, I've justified my actions. See neither of the guys are actually looking for a long term relationship. Eddie's too busy running three businesses and is afraid of a commitment after coming out of a marriage for 9 years. While Ray is still recovering from a traumatic incident in his past. My relationship with Eddie seems to be headed towards that of friends with benefits. I really like Ray, and even if he's afraid to give me his heart, I'm willing to give mine. If and when we do decide take the relationship to the next level, I will with out a doubt cut off the benefits with Eddie.
God just thinking about this whole mess I'm caught up in makes me feel sick. I just don't feel right about this, even though the Nick says its ok since both guys have made their intentions clear from the start. So why does it feel so strange?

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Hot, Hot, Hot

It so damn hot in NYC. Another hot day in the City that never sleeps. It truly has lived up to its name. Apparently I'm not the only one that cant sleep in the heat.
Gonna go take shower #4 for the day!

Good night, Stay Cool!!!

Monday, July 31, 2006

265 Where are You?

I did somethings last night that I haven't done in a very long time. I went out on the road with my buddy. Why the supervisors felt secure about sending two nut jobs out on an ambulance together to save the day, is beyond me :) Sunday morning after working all night together, we casually mentioned how we should go out on the road together. I really missed being out there. Call me crazy but the manual labor that comes with the job is far more rewarding than sitting on my ass all day in the office. I just hoped no one had any plans to go into cardiac arrest last night, being that given our history together we'd be sound asleep.

I also got to do something else I haven't done before... I drove the beast! See technically I shouldn't have, considering I'm not yet qualified. However she was more worried about crashing and parking that thing than getting in trouble for letting me drive. All together it was a very good night. What made the night most memorable was the pit stop we made in between calls, but I'll spare the details of that for the day I decide to blog about my personal drama.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Another (action-less) Movie Night

Well... last night went pretty well I suppose. Ray and I went to the movies again, however our night was cut short when his family called and asked him to baby-sit. Once again we sat in front of his apartment for over an hour. To my surprise we didn't kiss tonight either. Maybe it has to do with the fact that his mother was pulling up in her car as we were saying our good bye's. After I left however I couldn't help but feel this uncontrollable urge to go back to his house on a code one and plant one on him. Call me crazy, or a hopeless romantic, but I'd like for our first kiss to be special. Hopefully I'll be blogging about it soon!

Hard not to be loyal?

I've been doing some serious thinking about Eddie the mechanic. See apparently he's been doing some thinking of me too. I cant help but feel guilty for talking with him tough. Although Ray and I are dating, he's mentioned in the beginning of our relationship that he isn't looking for a relationship right now. That he's only looking for someone to go out and have a good time. I doubt that there's anyone else in the picture. We speak all day, everyday. I think he's afraid to open his heart due to his history with his ex. So... my question is would it be ok to agree to go out with Eddie too?

I'm afraid that if I do, that given my history with men, I may fall for both and not be able to say good bye to either. I don't want to hurt anyone, but both men have great personalities and I would enjoy seeing each one. I have so many people to please and keep happy right now, would I really be able to juggle two men? Would I be able to let one go if I were to get serious with the other?
*Sigh*... this dating stuff sucks!

Friday, July 28, 2006

Go Me, Go Me!

Apparently kicking my ass at the gym is paying off. Today I went to get the tires replaced on my car from the incident the other night. The guy at the shop actually caught me off guard and beat me at my own game. He initiated the flirts and in the end I got a great deal in exchange for giving up my telephone number. He seems to be a pretty nice guy, and sorta balances out what Ray lacks... the courage to try to kiss me. Of course I didn't let him touch these sensual lips of mine. I don't share them with just any hot Latin car mechanic... No matter how tempting.

Then after finally escaping the yard, I was on a high. I decided to go shopping briefly down the street. Where I was approached by yet another guy. This time however I brushed him off. I already have enough drama to add another person to avoid on my caller id.

So... What I don't understand is why the sudden attention? Ok maybe because I don't get out alone very often, but I couldn't help but feel the least bit attractive today. I was wearing my sweat pants and a t-shirt, with flip flops, hair in a pony tail with no make up what so ever. How could anyone possibly find me attractive like that? Maybe I should show him what I look like when I shower!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Another Scar

Why does life always seem so complicated?

Last night I cut my blogging short because my brother was calling me telling me that my mother was drunk... again. Not so out of the ordinary considering her past. However this time she was acting out trying to attract even more attention. Why she does this shit is beyond me. I could never go into the mind of an alcoholic. What I can do is take my kids out of the equation.

I try my hardest to provide my kids with a stable atmosphere, and there's always some damn ass hole that has to fuck things up. Their dad decided to leave us and has yet to realize just how much its affected them. I lost everything that I fought so hard to get. I had what I believed to be the perfect life. The house, two cars, and a happy family. Obviously It wasn't his dream though....

So two years ago we packed up and came to NYC to be with my family. I could no longer care for the kids alone. I came for the financial and emotional support, but I cant help but feel even more overwhelmed right now. My mother is an alcoholic who is supposed to be caring for my disabled father. She works days and I, nights. He's always got someone home if he should need it. Sounds like a great plan? Yea except mom is always drunk when it's her turn to care for him and watch my kids so I can go to work. WTF? Then to top it all off, she now spends all her earnings from work on her "habits". She spends a good $50-60 a day on alcohol, lotto and cigarettes. I'm working my ass of to pay to feed a family of 7 now, while she's wasting her life away. It's just not fair.

So last night, instead of scooping her off the floor and carrying her to bed, I decided to try a new approach. I grabbed the kids at 10 pm and told her that I refused to let my kids grow up like I did, with a drunk! I hope this approach helps.

But wait, this is my life we're talking about. So... It gets better. I drove to my fav spot just under the bridge and stared out to sea. When I finally decided to go back home, I avoided the construction on the highway and took the dark service road instead. A road that was full of pot holes. SO... Of course I hit one and got a flat tire. No problem, I've changed them before. Except the damn locking mechanism that holds the spare in place wouldn't open. I was stuck there for over three hours waiting for someone to help me. I finally got home at 330 am and have been silent about the whole event. The one person I wished I could call, mom, was too drunk to help. Give me a few more days of this bullshit and I'm sure I'll sink into a deep depression.

Monday, July 24, 2006

I've tried staying away from blogging for a week now. I wanted to see if I could possibly think of something worth while to write that didnt have anything to do with my personal drama. I had so many thoughts come into my head, and by the time I sat down to blog about them, I couldn't remember any of it.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Another Hot Day

Ok...I took a break from blogging, mainly because I find that I blog way too much about my personal life and think it's probably boring the hell out of anyone else who casually comes across my site. But oh well.. This is my life!
I started this whole blogging thing as a way to vent my own emotions. Not to entertain anyone else...

So here I go....

I spoke with Ray about the whole Boston trip. Apparently what I was told was something completely different. Ray wasn't going to Boston for anything other than visiting his sister and family. Although his Ex does in fact live in Boston, he had no intentions of re-kindling their relationship. Apparently all he seems to talk about is me and our friend Angie was jealous. She's over it now and says we make her sick, lol. Im glad we cleared things up with that. I cant help but wear a kool-aide smile all day myself. No matter what happens with this relationship, the one thing that I'll be most proud about, Is the fact that I never sold myself as something I wasn't. I'm just being me and hopefully I don't drive anyone into the 'G' bldg (Brooklyn Psych hosp) again.

Ok. I'm off to the pool again. Another HOT day in the city!

Stay cool! Have a Good Day!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Where's That Pint of Rocky Road I had Stashed?

I cant help but feel like such an ass right now. Why does it hurt so bad? I find myself doing something today that I haven't in a very long time, crying. See my Ray of Sunshine, has a few clouds that he neglected to share with me. I find myself here in the middle of his storm, hating myself for allowing this to happen again. See this same mutual friend that hooked me up, just casually mentioned that his family trip to Boston this weekend was also an attempt to rekindle things with his ex. WTF? He never told me about any drama while I was busy falling face first again. And WTF did Angie feel it was ok to hook us up knowing this shit?

Now here I am balling my eyes out once again, hating myself for being so naive to believe what a guy tells me. For not holding back and falling face first into the pile of shit layed in front of me. I cant help but wonder, where the hell did I go wrong to deserve this shit? Why cant people just be honest, and stop messing with my emotions. Is this what living life is really supposed to be about?

I'm contemplating going back through my blog and deleting all of the thoughts that I've had of any guys since I began this therapy session. Maybe that'll be a good place to start. Fucking wipe the slate clean and forget about all these assholes that have each taken away a bit of me emotionally.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Oops who was I mad at again?

I missed FOAD Thursday but that's because I was too busy feeling like a giddy ole kid and forgot all about what was bothering me earlier in the week. The Ray has been my ray of sunshine. He heard I was feeling down and also just so happened to need someone to chat with. I don't know what it is about this one, perhaps the way we met through a mutual friend. I was initially attracted to his personality and great sense of humor. Thanks to myspace we've been exchanging some pretty funny stuff. Then the day came when we finally decided we needed to meet each other and hear each others voices.

Well that was last night, all of last night as a matter of fact and it continued through most of the day as well. The Ray has all the qualities I've known to appreciate in a friend. I've also made the decision to stop treating myself like I couldn't handle a relationship right now. I've had this attitude with men lately and just didn't want to be bothered with all the details and complications of a relationship. In light of some recent feelings, I've decided to stop fighting it and jump right into the pool of dating again, of course I'll do the cannon ball jump... gotta have fun :)

I will not fear love anymore. I want to live life to the fullest and not hold back anymore. I'm a firm believer in the theory that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all. For we cannot have truly lived, unless we gave it our all.
K... I'm off to return some well overdue phone calls. Have a Great Weekend!!!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Stay or Go?

I've been doing some serious searching this week. Digging deep into my head and wondering what the future may hold for me. The past few years haven't been the easiest to say the least. I know deep down inside that I haven't wanted to be in a relationship and have subconsciously sabotaged every last one, fearing love. I have a love that burns deep inside for my kids. I would do anything for them, even if at the cost of my own personal happiness.

See, when I made the decision to come back to NY two years ago shortly after splitting with their dad, I insisted that it would only be a temporary set back. I loved life down south, and always wanted to raise them down there. When I found it hard to make it on my own and was falling behind both financially as well as emotionally, I decided to come home to NY for a bit. My parents have been a true blessing and for them I'll always be grateful.

Up until a few weeks ago, I had intentions of going back to FL when I felt the time was right. I didn't want to be with the ex husband anymore, but still loved him enough to allow him to see the kids. He may not be supporting them financially, but he'll always be their dad, no matter what happens between us. Do I love him? Absolutely. But I refuse to allow him to walk all over me anymore.

Reflecting on the two years that we've been here. I've gone to class to become an EMT, which I could do in FL. I've transferred to dispatch with the intentions of using the training for the offer I've already received to come back to the sheriffs department for a increase in salary. I've done everything but search for a house. I truly wanted to go back, and I was using the opportunities I had here in NY to better myself and advance myself to allow for a better life when I was ready to make the choice to come back.

Then a few weeks ago, my oldest daughter saw me online looking at houses. That's when she shared her own feelings. She says she doesn't want to go back to FL. That she wants to stay here with Grandma and Grandpa. This shattered my heart. Not only because she too had made the decision to look down upon her fathers choice to abandon his obligations, but because at that very moment I'd realized that I've been neglecting her too. All of the trips to amusement parks, the weekend get-aways, trips to the toy stores... They were all my own way of buying her love and avoiding discussing own feelings and aspirations.

I'll do anything for my kids. Including taking them to FL to see their dad next month. But I cant help but wonder. With me being very un happy with my current status in life, If I could avoid the depressing feelings that come along with these visits to my old friends and family. I know this time around I could technically make it happen. I could get that house, land that job, and they could return to their old schools. I'm finally ready to make the decision. I could only hope that my little angels step in and help me make the right decision. Whether to stay or go...

Man I've Got Red Cheeks

Apparently I've still got that good ole' touch. See my FOAD request to the 'MAN' actually caused him some sort of misery this week. He's in bed sick! Good for you ya damn ass... Don't mess with this chick!

Now if only I could figure out how the hell I got sun burn on my ass... Its really kinda funny looking.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Living it Up

Ok so I didn't exactly have the great weekend I'd planned. But I did have a good time anyway. I've made a few cool friends that have kept me busy and fed my wacky humor.
I don't care anymore that I'm still single and cant seem to find a decent guy. I'm having fun! If someone happens to come into my life, then great but until then, I'm going to enjoy life and live it to the fullest.

I'll save the details of who screwed up my weekend plans for FOAD Thursday!

Friday, July 07, 2006

Out with the Old, In with the New

I was driving home today from BigDawg's house and chatting with my mom about my love life. See it seems she liked BigDawg. Well she seems to like most of the guys I bring home so her opinion really doesn't hold much power. However she mentioned how much she thinks my kids liked BigDawg too. I know that they did, I wanted them to. But when our relationship turned from just friends to him wanting more... well that's when I lost it and things went from bad to worse. Maybe after the conversation that I had with him today, we could possibly patch things up between us and still hang out every so often.

Ok now on to some great news. There's this guy that I've had my eyes on for a while. He's had my heart in his hands for a while but we never took it anywhere because he was in a relationship. What I like most about him, is the fact that he was honest from the beginning. He told me that he was in a relationship and although it was in the early stages, he still felt he needed to tell me before I got the wrong idea. Wow.. A guy with a conscience and morals? Does it get any better? YES!!! He's cute, funny, is surprisingly good with kids and now SINGLE. Oh yeah, I had to jump on this one. Here's a good guy that I cannot let slip away. So after some really hot talk last night and again tonight, we've decided to give the real thing a try this weekend. Cant wait to blog about this one....

63 to Guam MAN

I have a very special FOAD Thursday although a few hours late. But oh well at least its remotely close. I wanna send my Fuck Off And Die request to the shit head medic at work that cant think with anything other than his dick. Sorry "Man" I need a little more than you have to offer, and I will not allow myself to be involved with a "playa". So you can go FOAD and oh yeah 63 to Guam!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


I feel like shit!!! I've been feeling like crap for a few days now. I know that colds usually start with the sore throat so I was preparing myself and fighting it all weekend. I drank tea until I could drink no more, got enough rest and kept my spirits up. I did all of my own remedies, that is except for make myself my famous chicken noodle soup. Now I get home this morning after work, and crawl into bed for a brief nap before I sent the girls off to the babysitter. Not even an hour later I woke up in severe pain. It feels like someone shot me in the damn head. I think I've got a bacterial infection that's spread into my ear. Damn me for laughing at that Russian calling an ambulance for the ear ache last night. I should've known better....

Now here I am crying in pain. This is so not F*cking fair. Not only does my ear hurt like hell, but I've lost some hearing too which makes this even more fun.
k, the meds are kicking in... Maybe I'll get some ZZZZZZZZZ after all.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy 4th...

I was gonna be lazy and just leave that quick pretty picture wishing you a happy 4th. However thanks to a great post from WD I've been inspired to leave a bit more. See on the 4th of July many Americans gather together with friends and loved ones, often BBQ'ing and drinking. When the sun goes down the skies are filled with firework displays. However for the most loyal of us Americans, their skies are filled with the bright flash of mortars flying over head.

Tonight just like every night for the past few months, they'll defend our freedom.

They'll kneel down and say a prayer before going to formation at 5am. They'll dodge enemy fire and bombs in defense of our great nation. Some may not agree with the cause, but don't question why... They're just following orders.

I know all too well what its like to have them not come home the same way they left. But in my case they did at the very least come home, some didn't even get that...

So tonight when you watch that great light show in the sky... Take a moment to see those flashes in their eyes.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Elmo and Oral Intake

Yesterday I took the girls and their girl scout troop to Sesame Place which was very exciting. I don't know who enjoys that place more, me or the kids. Although at that point I had already been awake for some 36 hours, I still stayed on top of my toes and under the water. What made this time extra special was the fact that now Gabby's old enough to go on the "big girl slides" without riding along with me. Now if only I could get my kids to gain enough courage to go on the coasters with me too.
Needless to say, last night after coming back from the long day in the sun, I was exhausted. But yet still needed to work. Thank god nothing major happened last night, cause I was working on half a brain minus 48 hours of sleep.
Now what usually happens after those marathons? I get sick! I woke up this afternoon feeling like crap. My throat is sore as hell and I just felt, well... yucky! Tonight I wanted so bad to take advantage of my night off and finally go meet the new guy in person for some much talked about action. I don't know why, but as much as I fight it, I cant get this guy out of my mind. I don't wanna fall head first again, but I don't want to seem like I'm being too distant either. Well... tonight when he called, he asked what I as up to and I explained that I was sick in bed tonight. I was expecting the usual, the "I'm just a guy, I don't care" attitude. However, I didn't get that. Instead I got a bit of our usual talks in addition to some instructions from my new favorite medic. Advising me of what I need and what I should take orally. ;)
But seriously... He sincerely cares. Our conversation was even followed up by an email wishing me well.

So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank him very much. Since it appears he's a keeper, I'm going to spend some of my time in bed thinking of a rather cool name for him on my blog.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Look Ma' the Sky is Falling

Yesterday I decided to go lay out in the sun while the kids swam in the pool. Hoping to get some color on my cheeks. Just as I finally get comfortable, what happens? The sky starts to f*cking fall. The rain began and the thunderstorm soon followed. Oh well...
I also wanna briefly mention that I think I over-reacted the other night when mentioning my new love interest. See it seems he too has a life and since we both work different hours for the most part, we were both worried about calling while the other was asleep. Well I guess with time, we'll see where this one goes. Maybe what I should do is stay away from myspace. I know that I personally have a few friends on myspace that I send innocent flirts to. But I suppose for the overly jealous type like myself, we tend to take them to the extreme.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

FOAD o->

I waited patiently all night to write this one. In honor of FOAD Thursday I wanna send a special salute to all the men in my life. If your a good guy and reading this, then damn it... call me and we could very easily set this straight. But for all of those other fellows that wanna mess with this chick...
Free Image Hosting at
You can FOAD! Enough Said!

Have a good day... Im off to bed!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Mood swings, Damn U Men!

I'm sitting here feeling pretty crappy, maybe I'm bipolar or something but I'm thinking back to my feelings earlier this week and how I was hooked on this guy from work, now I wanna send him to f*cking Guam! I 've taught myself through experience never to fall quickly. I may write about it here in my blog, but probably wouldn't tell you.
Now I cant help but feel like a victim of some joke at my expense. I'm starting to see a pattern in his wanting to call me. I haven't heard from him since Sunday night when we had our erotic phone conversation. I'm so glad I didn't give in and allow him to come over here for the real thing that night. Totally not my style to jump in bed with just anyone anyway, but he sure did almost win me over. Well, now thanks to the wonderful power of myspace once again, I have a good suspicion that I'm just another attempt at his own personal collection of booty calls.
what's even more bothersome is the fact that although I don't necessarily think that I could manage anything more than a booty call right now, I still cant help but feel heartbroken.

Re-organize This!!!

I just learned of some rather disturbing news from work. It seems that there's a bit of "re-organization" going on. In other words layoffs. What's happening to our nation? Today most large companies are out-sourcing to countries outside of the US. Even my very own company has decided that having a large call center in a distant location answering our emergency calls, would be a cost effective solution.
When I call my cell phone company, I get to speak to Joe Smith from India. I called to order a CD from Time Life, and got Linda Smith from India. When I order my damn uniforms and kids clothes from the same retailer I have for years, The Childrens Place, The damn labels read 'made in Madagascar' or some other third world country. Now when I'm dying and in need of an ambulance, who knows who the hell I'll be calling.
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for fair market and helping these other countries develop into nations and becoming self sufficient. But not at the expense of every single one of us Americans. When we have our people standing in line at the unemployment lines with three kids in tow, forced to accept a minimum wage job because anything else is being out-sourced... I think we've gone too far.

Monday, June 26, 2006

3rd Times a Charm

I have these strict rules that I place down when it comes to dating. For some reason I'm very attracted to Hispanic men. Call me crazy but thanks to the Ex, I'm hooked for life. Next he must be a funny guy and have a damn good smile. Then throw in a bit of kinky and freaky... chi' ching I'm hooked.

However another major issue that I have is that I'd prefer not to date within my company. But seeing all of these tall and handsome guys in uniform ready and willing... damn how could I resist? I try very hard and have succeded thus far. I've only dated people who I knew for sure I wouldn't have to see daily if the deal went bad. Well needless to say both of the previous inter-office flings went bad and ended.

Now I'm attempting a third. I've met this guy on one of those dating sites a while back whom I thought was very attractive, also an EMT and a single parent. Well since I've moved into the dispatch dept at work, I've discovered that he too works for my company now. Except now he's a paramedic and guess who gets to give him orders and have fun at his expense? Yours truly... damn, did I tell you how much I love my job? well actually only one night a week. Funny as it may be, we lost contact a while back :P and ever since I've been on dispatch he's been flirting big time. However I've come to learn that many of the guys are just trying to earn brownie points to ensure I'll let them go home on time.

Well... this one has progressed a bit further. I have really good feeling about this one. I'm getting the butterflies and all. The late night calls, the erotic chat, it all has me hooked on him like hooked on phonics. I'm reluctant only because I wonder about the what if??? What if things did go wrong, could I still feel comfortable working with him? I think I could. I'm pretty good at separating my personal feelings from work, thanks to the good practice from Big(pile of)Dawg(shit).

Either way I think I'll give it a try, maybe third times a charm...

Friday, June 23, 2006

blah blah blah

Its 3am and and Im sitting here watching the letters spin while I make an attempt to decide what to write about. Do I complain some more about my love life or lack of?
Nah I think I'll spare my self the pity today. Today is friday, which just so happens to be payday. After the long work week I had last week this was a much anticipated check. Now... how shall I spend this extra bit of change this week? I think I'll finally get that tattoo I've wanted. Now if only I could decide on a design....

**I promise to keep you updated and will post pics as soon as I can!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Carpe Diem

My heart breaks more and more each day. Of opportunities not taken, Of not taking chances, not telling people how I really feel. I just dont know If I should even bother with relationships any more.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Just Say No

Why do I find it so hard to say no? When my co-worker and friend called me today and asked if I could come help out for a while, I wanted so hard to say no. I had the day planned out, I was gonna go work out for a bit, then swim a few laps and lay in the sun. I had the entire day planned out. Why cant I do it? Why is it so damn hard to say no?
On a bright side I got to see some other friends that decided to stop by, which also brought some much needed insight. I finally got to see what someone I've had my eye, or rather ears open for, lol. Which BTW was quite pleasant to the cornea's. I may not have learned my lesson when it comes to dating co-workers but atleast now I have the sense to screen them ;)

Sunday, June 18, 2006

My Friday has Finally Arrived

After the working the craziest week on record, I'm ready for some much neaded R & R. Today I opted to skip out on the morning nap after work and head straight for the pool with the girls. Now Im ready to crash...


Saturday, June 17, 2006

I wanna Fly Away

Another long week and I'm still not through. I still have tonight to spend in that lonely dispatch center. Well maybe I'll find someone strange enough to still be awake at 3am for some quality chatting.
I woke up the other day and realized, damn... Summers almost here and I haven't decided on my vacation plans yet. I'm drawn between taking the girls back to FL to see their dad again like last year, or maybe a cruise this time. Hmmm then again I could probably pull off both. Looking back to our trip to Orlando last summer, I remember doing the theme park thing and all which was great, except for the mixed emotions of feeling like an incomplete family. Its really hard to explain, but If I did decide to do the cruise thing, I'd like to try a Disney cruise that offers a nice day camp program for the kids, while the parents enjoy some time alone. Except what would I do alone? Grandma's always an option too If I could find someone to take care of Grandpa while were gone. But shit I've only got a few weeks to plan any of this.... All the damn overtime I've been getting for these 60+ hour work weeks will help motivate me to plan an escape.

Damn I think too much.... I spend way too much time in my head. Ok I'll shut up and stop thinking out loud now.

Bye for now!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Day off, What Day Off?

I was up all night last night working a double shift, ironically on my day off. But I enjoyed myself. I don't know why, but I get pleasure from making guys want me. Even If I don't necessarily want them. I love a good challenge, call me strange. The past week or so I've had a few guys bellowing at my feet. None of whom I gave in to. Maybe I'm holding out for the right guy. Who he is or what I'm looking for... I truly don't know. I'm sure that I'll know when the time is right.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

A Kick in the Ass

I was in the shower this morning kicking myself in the ass for not taking time to write in my blog the past few days. After being unable to think of a good enough excuse, I've come to the conclusion that I've just been too damn lazy.
Blogging is sorta my very own way of expressing myself. It's the special someone I wish I could lounge with on the couch and cuddle while watching a movie. Or sharing a drink and discussing our long day's.

...Sigh. I need a real someone!

Saturday, June 03, 2006

A Bird Pooped on Me

Ok Today I was supposed to get lucky. I walked the kids to school this morning and a bird pooped on me. Doesn't that mean that I was entitled to good luck today?

Tonight I went to a co-workers wedding and was hoping to get lucky, but didn't. GO figure. Nothing lucky about today. Instead I think I've had a change of heart. Since the Ex and I split two years ago, I really haven't opened my heart to anyone else. I guess I'm trying to prevent from hurting again. However after tonight, seeing the newlyweds in love makes me think about my own love life, or the lack there of. I really miss feeling that way about someone. I'm really lonely, and didn't even realize it until tonight.

Ok, ok.... I'm gonna start dating again. I promise!

Monday, May 29, 2006

Just My Luck...

I skipped out of work early today, hoping to spare the last few hours of this holiday weekend and do something special with the girls. We went to this nice area off the belt pkwy here in Brooklyn. It's a really nice place to relax and enjoy nature at its finest, which is rare in NYC. I know the spot mainly because it was a spot I'd go to as a frisky teen with my dates. But that's another story. :)

We watched the wind surfers take advantage of the wonderful breeze, grilled some grub and collected a few sea shells. I must say it was very nice to visit a piece of the ocean that hasn't been transformed for tourists. Just like our favorite spots in FL, there were no boardwalks or crowds. However this is my life were talking about here, so what could possibly rain on my parade? RAIN!!!

Yep, it doesn't rain all week, until I decide to soak up sum of the sun. Nonetheless I even enjoyed the thunderstorm... Hope you had a very enjoyable day too!

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Goodbye BigDawg

I regret blowing off my plans with Elena Friday night. If only I had known what the rest of the weekend would've looked like. Saturday I volunteered to go into work for a bit for some overtime. Then we get a phone call from BigDawg saying he's too tired to come in tonight. We made several attempts to call for someone to cover, but were unsuccessful. Guess who got to stay all night? Yours truly. Wonderful!

Now as if that wasn't bad enough, at about 1am I get an Instant Message from BigDawg wanting to chat. At this point I've had it with the lies that he's filled my head up with for months now and just wanted to vent. I had plans this weekend. I wanted to do something special to un-wind and forget about the week from hell I had... but here he was playing hooky at my expense.

I warned him that I was not in a very good mood, and that If he continued to poke and mess with me, I may say something that I regret. Well now, I did say some pretty mean things, although not half as bad as I wished. I think the end of our friendship has come....

Friday, May 26, 2006

Did U Miss Me?

Three whole days without blogging? Wow where do I begin? Well I blew off my plans with Elena tonight. We've been trying to plan a day to go see a movie together for a few weeks now. Sorry Elena, love ya but I've had one hell of a week.
The week started off bad, pretty much because of shit head. He's upset that Im not willing to pull him out from the whole he's dug up for himself. Ice was a stupid geek that thanks to the power of the internet, created this whole character that my naive self, fell for.
Next...BigDwag came to work the same shift as me the other day and was casually asked by a co-worker if he had a date to her wedding yet? She then, in an attempt to be economical, suggested we go together. I said ok, but BigDawg found offense to it. He thought that meant that he could get what he wants, a real date with me. Sorry to disappoint you, But your still not getting any BigDawg. SO now he says he'll let me know if he decides to let me go with him. Ya know it would be really F'ucked up if he says no. I think that alone would be enough to drop him from my list of friends since he knows how much I really want to go.
Then there's Kenny, who I've given up on. HE told Elena that he's ashamed to ask me out, being that he's unemployed at the moment. Yeah what ever... I've given up on him too. So what???
All this was followed up by a crazy ass week at work, but on a brighter note...Armando is still alive, lol.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

It's Started Early Today

When will this drama end? I was feeling rather good this morning, checking out my favorite website and a few good laughs. When the Ex had to call and ruin my day... Couldn't give me a break. Apparently he's upset because he's been caught by child support enforcement. He owes our children $3,000 in un-paid support.

He wants me to spare him. Help him?? When he left us, we were evicted from our home, I lost my car, was homeless for two weeks, and had to lose everything and move to NY to be with family. Where the hell was he when I was crying for help? Why should I give a damn now. The judge spared him at our initial child support hearing, because he was an ex-service member who was currently unemployed. All he has to pay for his share of support is a whopping $60 a week, for 2 kids. That's insane, and he still refused to pay even though he's been gainfully employed for well over a year.

So why am I digressing over this? Well it's not so easy to hate someone you've loved for so long. We met in High School and started a family very early, he joined the military and we moved down south. There were many good times, but then somehow things took a turn for the worse. Don't get me wrong I never wanna be with him again, but I still cant find it within me to cause pain to someone else. So excuse me guys, but I may be in a rather bad mood all day!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Monday Drama, with the Weekend Leftovers

Where Do I start? I've had the weekend from hell, and just when I thought it would get better, It took a turn for the worse today.

Lets see, Saturday I was sitting down doing some math and figuring out just how much I'll be able to afford for a new apartment for me and my daughters. So... I decided to call everyone that owes me, including the Ex. He give me the same old story about how he's barely making ends meet himself right now. I don't wanna hear anymore excuses, I just wanna know if you'll be paying back any of the thousands of dollars that you owe your children. No, ok good bye!!!

Then his sister calls me later and tells me that she and the rest of the family are concerned that he may be using drugs. Just great sure does explain a lot. Of course I'm all emotional at this point and just want some to lean on. That's when good ole' Joe comes in. He has impeccable timing, as always. He sends me a quick text message on my phone telling me that he and the kids are at universal studios and was just thinking about me. I swear we have this telepathy thing going.

See, I met Joe in FL after my husband left me, and his wife left him. We were both left with children and a household to run alone, living a few blocks away from each other. Ever since the day we met on the playground with the kids, Joe was always the one to turn to for comfort, until that is, when I left for NY. Needless to say, we chatted until 2 am. As long as I needed to. He did what he does best, turned my frown upside down.

Then this morning came and I'd realize that Armando had been MIA all weekend following his own bout of depression, leaving me worried for him. I wrote to his ex-wife who reassured me that he was ok. Sigh... What a relief. Next in the timeline is ICE, who finally after chatting on AIM for a few weeks, finally gets the courage to call me. This ass was caught in too many lies to even be mentioned in my blog anymore. He's not worthy any longer, once I catch a man in a lie...He's gone. Major ones at that, like age, having kids and occupation...Oh come one, atleast try to remember the lies you've told. SHIT!!! Oh... And NO I DON'T SOUND LIKE A RED-NECK!!!
Then the ex-husband has to top the icing on the cake and call me at work. He wants me to contact the child support office and tell them that we're agreeing to settle the debt that he owes and in return he will promise to pay on time in the future. God, please tell me when this day will end???? I'm honestly afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I'd call Joe, but I don't want to burden him anymore, besides Florida is too far away to drive for a much needed hug. :(

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Did I Say That?

I want to take a brief moment to share this awesome forum that I've found on a friends page. Im so addicted to this place now. Go see for yourself what's going on.

Did I Say That?

...Tell them SxyMom sent ya!!!

To Share or Not to Share

I'm dealing with a struggle that I'm sure most blogger's deal with. Whether or not to allow your blog to be found by friends and family. I want so bad to share my thoughts with the world, but I'm worried that something I say could offend someone. This blog was created with the intent of venting my inner most feelings, feelings that perhaps should stay just that, mine.
Sigh....What to do, what to do?

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Woo, Hoo....I have an actual person reading and commenting on my blog! I hope this doesn't mean that I need to censor anything. I find this blog to be more along the lines of a journal. Maybe even a meager attempt at venting my emotional rollercoaster.

I'll just play it safe and keep my url address from friends and family...
...Boring Friday night. No where to go, and no one to do :(

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Dont Eat Where You Sleep

Nothing noteworthy to mention today. No contact with the outside world other than work today. Which by the way, is part of my problem.

One note to all of you who think dating co-workers is a good idea......ITS NOT!!! I've always been against the idea. However since just like today, I don't get to have real interaction often, meeting someone at work always seems to come when I'm feeling lonely. I've dated two guys at work in the several years that I've been there. One worked at another office about 30 miles away, and on another shift. The other on the same shift, but once again in another office. Both relationships went bad and now worse. See this new position that I have in the company forces me to work with not one, but both of them in the same office often at the same time. Phew... Talk about making someone a bit uncomfortable? It's just not possible to avoid those awkward moments anymore.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Currently Accepting Applications

I'm getting that 'I need to feel loved by someone other than my kids' feeling again. I don't know why I prefer not to be in a relationship now. Im enjoying the freedom. I guess after being with someone for as long as I was, It should take some time to move on. After our separation, I felt like I needed to find a replacement quickly. I dated some guys for all the wrong reasons, and broke some hearts along the way. I suppose I must be a good catch if I'm still friends with all of them to this day. I could have anyone of them by simply making a call, but I don't want that. I want something that I couldn't find in any of them, and until now, had given up hope. I think I may begin accepting applications again...

Monday, May 15, 2006

Same Shit Different Day

Happy Belated Mother's Day!!!

Sorry I've been kinda MIA the past few days. No really good excuse, just been too damn lazy to blog, and really nothing magical to blog about.
Work 's been getting better, Im still single and having fun. Same shit, different day...

Catch You Later!!!

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Ice Ice Baby

I had yet another great night of chatting with ICE . I came home depressed and upset that It was so late and thought I had possibly missed him tonight. I began to get very frustrated at myself for not meeting him on time as planned. This is usually when my recent relationships went bad, trying to make and keep plans. However I did catch him, he was actually getting ready for bed when he decided to check for me first.
So, here's what I've learned of ICE so far: He's hot, funny, hot, sexy, thoughtful, hot, a great dad, hot, very family oriented and oh yeah hot. Where It goes from here...Who knows, but I sure do like having someone to turn to to make me laugh when I'm feeling depressed, I really I hope I don't screw this one up too. Between family and work, my life's very complicated, but perhaps I just haven't had the right motivation for a lasting relationship. For sure, one thing I lacked in the past was the physical attraction....Which is very obviously there in ICE. So... Lets see!!!!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Ding Ding... Do We Have a Winner?

Why do I always fall head first? A few days ago someone winked at me on one of those online dating sites. I replied, even though I don't normally respond unless they have a picture.

Well...After chatting for a few, he finally sent me a picture. OMG what a hunk.... And he too is a single parent. DING DING I think I've found a winner. He's so funny and really gets my strange humor.

But I cant help but wanna kick myself in the ass. Why am I doing this to myself? I'm falling fast again. Too fast? I hope not. I don't want to have high hopes again, and get them torn away along with a piece of my heart again.

Is is better to have loved and lost, or to have never loved at all?

I say love....Sure it hurts but it feels so damn good. I'll take him up on the second date offer.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Work Hazards

Ouch I've got a boo-boo and no one to kiss it for me!!!!

Working on the road Tech'ing has its hazards. We are constantly lifting, and exposing ourselves to hazardous conditions. But today I worked in dispatch. A job that has next to no risk of injury. However leave it to me and my luck to get hurt, I GOT A PAPER CUT :(

Ouch... boo boo hurt!!!

Otherwise It was a pleasant day. I started the day doubting myself, but it went rather smoothly.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Migraine's, Drama and Ice Cream

Sorry I skipped out on my blog last night. I had the worst migraine since as far back as I can remember. Yesterday was my first day on the day shift working in my dispatch center. OMG what a difference in pace. I was given all of about 40 minutes training before they threw me out to the wolves, Its amazing...I applied for this position 6 months ago, was called in 3 months ago for a "try out", and was given all of about 5 days notice to begin. One of those hurry up and wait kinda scenario's, and now they expect me to just be thrown out there and do the same job as someone who's been doing this for years. Hence the migraine.

Well... On a better note, today went better. After a full nights sleep and a better understanding of what's expected, I made it through. Tonight I'm feeling well enough to blog about it all, and throw in a little Ben and Jerry's (I'll hate myself in the morning) while I curl up and read some great postings. I would call Kenny and chat for a while, but its probably too late. Besides this blog stuff is really great. Some of this stuff is reminiscent of skimming through my sisters diary, talk about drama!!!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Weekend Drama Update

I just got back from my Sunday swim with the girls and wanted to blog my weekend of drama. This weekend was quite interesting. It all started Friday night. I went out with Elena, her fiance and their best friend Kenny. How convenient would it be if me and Kenny hooked up since were always together every weekend anyway? Well apparently Elena's been trying to work her magic, and hook us up. Only problem is that he's too shy to approach me. My problem is that I'm not into shy guys. I need a "whisper in my ear: come lets go sneak to the bathroom for a minute" kinda guy. I'm not so sure that he could live up to that. Or... Maybe I'll have to help him a little.
Ok so Friday night was a bust, all we did was go to a loud bar and play pool and stuff... Couldn't exactly chat. I guess we'll have to chat on the next date this weekend. Yes I'm allowing a second!

Then Saturday and Sunday consisted of mostly house work, cooking, cleaning and other related chores. Sometime in between I discovered that I was being played by the BigDawg.

Thanks to the power of myspace, I discover that I'm not the only one he's been trying to win. See there's some chick that happens to be advertising that she's going to the Bahamas conviently at the same time that BigDawg is. She's not a sister, and not his ex-wife either, but they both have one another in 1st place in the top friends area. I'm not sure why this pisses me off, considering I don't want him. I knew all along not to mess with someone who's been trying to cheat on his wife for over a year. I'm sure he did too, but thankfully not with me.

Ok I'm off... When I'm pissed off I tend to wanna cook. Maybe I'll bring a nice batch of oatmeal cookies to the new co-workers in the morning.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Lets GO Mets!!!

Free Image Hosting at
OH Yeah take it off Beltran!!!

Free Image Hosting at

...Probably fake, but oh well. A girl can dream cant she, lol.


Happy Get Drunk Friday!!!

...And Yes I plan on celebrating. Elena's pretty much forcing me to go out with her and the guys tonight. Hang out with a bunch of single, hot cops...Absolutely. So, given the special occasion, we've decided to skip dinner and the movie and go directly to the bars, so we'll pass go, do not collect $200, get drunk off our ass and maybe if Im lucky I'll be handcuffed and put into a private cell by the end of the night.

I've learned through time not to get my hopes up though, and to just go with the flow. Anyone that knows me, knows that I wouldn't wander off with a guy that I just met anyway. Although now that Im finally feeling some closure with the Big Dawg situation, Im ready to have a great night. Working with him all week and having to spend long nights together again at work, has brought back the old buddy I thought I'd lost. We laughed, joked and had a great time, just like the old days. SO ...In response to my previous post, yes It is possible to go back to "just friends".

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I don't care who's winking on

Why does it seem like now that I have cancelled my subscription to those online dating sites, that I've been getting more emails and winks then ever. I'm telling you, I'm addicted. They're drawing my curiosity. The "what If" is driving me crazy. I'm gonna be strong and resist the urge to reinstate my subscriptions. I'm just so damn tired of wasting my money on these places. So far I've had nothing but bad luck with these sites. We never really show our true selves on these sites. We write what we hope someone else wants to hear. Otherwise I would've never bothered with a few like the Turkish man that stalks me every day for a year now in attempt of getting what I believe to be a green card, and the military captain that wants to punish me If the sex is bad by making me sleep on the floor and drink from a bowl. LOL... All that on just the first date!!! Hello... Can you say wierdo's? Maybe that's why I'm not really interested in dating right now. I'm sure there really are some great guys out there, but until I can tell if he's playing with a full deck of cards first... I'm much better off where I am now.

Of course my friends beg to differ. You see Elena, my best friend, is kidnapping me and forcing me out on a double date this weekend. Despite last weekend's mishap and accidentally falling asleep beforehand, I'm actually a bit optimistic this time. Kenny's a bit shy and asked Elena to please set up a double date. We'll do the whole movies and dinner thing, then they want to go back to the city for drinks and dancing. I'm into the dinner and movie, but depending on how the first half of the night goes, I'll have to let you know where I allowed it to go from there.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Valuable Lessons

I did it!!! I stayed focused on work all night and didn't let my emotions get the better of me. I love BigDawg very much... but as a friend. I don't know where the path started to sway in the other direction, but I'm going to do my best to get that friendship back.

As for my new work assignment, I'm loving it. After spending another day in the office, I realized just how awesome this group of people are. I do have one qualm though.... I'm wondering if I'll miss being on the road tech'ing. It may not be glorious. We may not get a great deal of recognition for the hard work we do, nonetheless seeing the look on the faces of people whom I've made happy, even if only for a few minutes or so, has made all the difference. My reward is that smile when I wish them well and say good bye. The smile from the 85 year old stroke survivor who has no family and is forced to live in a nursing home. The chemotherapy patient going for yet another round of draining therapy just to prolong her life to attempt to make it to her daughters wedding. For the new mother who's baby stopped breathing...

Why you ask do it do this? I have seen first hand how important a good care provider is to the quality of life of these sick people. After working hospice and helping to make the most of my patients last days, I've come to appreciate not only what I do for them, but what they do for me. I may not have made the best of choices in my life, but I don't regret any of them. Each one has taught me a valuable lesson.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Can you really go backwards?

I get a phone call today from Bigdawg, asking if I wanted to come by and earn some extra credit from the teacher. You see, tonight I begin my new training at work, and guess who's training me? Don't get me wrong he's a great guy and it made me smile, but I couldnt ....

Let me take you to where it all began a little over a year ago...

I walk in to work one night and discover a new face. He was very funny and stocky, just the way I like 'em. After sharing many laughs and treating him to a 2am frosty from Wendys, I discovered the man was married. Just my luck!!! Ok, well we didn't do anything wrong and enjoyed the new friendship. We would bring each other snacks and share a lunch together and stay up all night chatting. It was great. Until Valetines day came around and other co-workers began to wonder why we were exchanging gifts, especially given he was married. Granted there was nothing more than that. Then before I knew it a whole year went by and we drifted apart. I began working the day shift and he began school. Until one day he calls me crying, his wife wants him out of the house... Naturally being the good friend I am, I offered help. He moved in with his best friend and I took him to walmart for house wares and all that stuff. I took my kids along, and treated him to Chuck E Cheese too, figuring it would cheer him up. Well he got the impression that I was trying to begin a relationship with him. I'm sure what we did in his room didn't help any either, but that was so not what I had intended.... sigh.
I really liked the friendship we had, and miss the innocent flirting. But now its all gone because In my opinion, It is impossible to be friends with benefits, and then go back to just being friends. Now for tonight, I'm gonna sit there all night and attempt to be trained by him. I know I can do it, I'm pretty good at hiding my emotions. But can he? I'll have to update you in the AM...

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Weekend Warrior

My weekends can always be compared to a great marathon. Being a single mom has got to be the hardest job in the world, but trying to squeeze in time to save the world, makes it that much more interesting.

Here's a brief timeline of my weekend.


My best friend calls and asks me to go out with her and her fiance tonight, and of course Kenny. I reluctantly agreed. Figured I could use some adult time.
10:45pm: I fell asleep in bed with my 4 year old watching a movie. So much for the night out.....


: I wake up and realize that I'm in bed and didn't go out. Quickly call Elena and apologize. She's a great friend. Says that she'll take a raincheck for next Friday night.
9:30am: While making breakfast for the girls, my sister calls and asks what time I'll be swinging by to pick her up for the blood drive I've recruited her for earlier in the week.
11:00am: Checking emails and browsing messages on myspace when my daughters best friend calls and asked if she could come over today. Great one less kid to tote into the city.
12:00pm: Showered and ready to go, drop her off at her friends house. Get in the car with only one kid today and grab my sister. Then we're off to the city for the blood drive to benefit a co-worker.
3:00pm: Minus one pint of blood, light-headed and full of apple juice and oatmeal cookies, begin making my way back home. However I couldn't resist the urge to stop at a few stores along the way.
3:30pm: Old Navy
4:00pm: KB toys for the good girl who's put up with mommy all day.
5:30pm: Back in Brooklyn, food shopping and take sister home.
6:30pm: Quick dinner
8:30pm: pick up daughter from friends house and hang out there for a bit.
10:00pm: In the shower and getting ready for work.


midnight to 8:30am:
Worked all night long, no rest for the weary. Most of the calls ironically we're for psych patients, so very entertaining to say the least.
9:30am: Back home, cooking breakfast for the girls.
11:00am: checking emails and browsing myspace ( I think I'm addicted to it)
1:00-6:30pm: Swimming with the girls ( we do this every Sunday, couldn't take that away from them)
7:30pm: Late dinner
8:30-10:00: Laundry and bath time.
10:30: blog my crazy weekend, to share with you.

Sleep ....Hopefully soon. 36 somewhat hours and counting. Thank God for Dunkin Donuts Iced hazelnut with milk & 2 Splenda!!!

Friday, April 28, 2006

The Thrill of the Chase

I love a good challenge. Call me weird, but I actually enjoy being tested. The thrill of victory is probably the only thrills I'll get in a while. I've finally landed the transfer at my company that has been in the works for quite some time. I was more than qualified for the position, but for other reasons my transfer was being delayed, B.S. reasons. So how do I feel about the change? Honestly I'm a bit nervous. I will face life and death situations several times a day, and I will make the choice that determines how soon an ambulance will be dispatched, and which calls are prioritized. I have now doubt of my abilities, I'm just hoping that I get a little assistance from above.
Now there's another challenge that I've been working on for quite some time as well, almost a year to be exact. This one in the form of a man. He's a great guy, but driving me insane. Now the problem I have now is that the new job will interfere with my ability to have what I was looking for from him. I wont go into any further details, for risk of my inner secrets being made known. I'm not the type of person he's used to dating. In fact neither is he. That's what makes it even stranger. In fact its kinda exciting having a teenage like crush on him. It sorta keeps me sane, in a weird way. I cant begin to tell you how crazy it is to join one of those online personals sites in hopes of finding someone to take my mind off him, and guess who I find? Yes...You've got it... My crush. Tell me that wouldnt drive you crazy!!!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Sorry..Not Accepting Applications

So... I get this text message from Bigdawg this morning: "I miss your hot body, please come see me and call me". What the Hell? This is coming from someone that I broke up with over a month ago. News flash guys. We ladies don't wanna be called hot, especially from someone we haven't cared enough to visit for over a month.
Why does it seem like now that I actually want to be single for a bit, that I have all these applicants? I have the shit-head ex, that after being together for 10 years decided to leave, and now 2 years later wakes up and realized he wants me back. Then my old neighbor Joe is flying from FL for a date, oh and lets not forget Bigdawg, Turkish dude, Armadillo and now Kenny. What the hell's going on here? Cant a girl spend some time alone with out getting texted or called at all hours of the day? I just wanna be left alone. I don't want to be with any of them right now, no booty calls, no text replies, no nothing. Just me enjoying the new found freedom.