It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

This is supposed to be the most wonderful time of year. However I know I'm not alone in saying that for me, its a rather depressing time of year. I know first hand that a lot of people get depressed this time of year. I'm one of the lucky ones to haul their asses off to the damn ER. But on a personal note, with the caroling and sipping hot cocoa in front of the Christmas tree, comes the painful reminder of all that I've lost. I once had what I felt was the ideal lifestyle. I was a stay at home mom, with 1.5 children, a dog and a house of my own. This time of year we'd be shopping at walmart for this years holiday decorations. Maybe choosing a new set of lights to adorn the roof molding and spending way too much on a new lawn decoration. But in the end seeing the house lit up every night as we pulled in from our evening outings and feeling the sense of pride that comes along with the accomplishments was indescribable. All I know is, ever since It's been taken away by the ex, its been hard to see it ever happening again. I would love to have it all back, but to get there again I would have to get remarried and to get there I would... well, have to open my heart again.

Speaking of which, I seriously almost broke up with Ray last night. I'm still upset that he hasn't made up for forgetting my birthday. Ok so maybe I did tell him that I didn't know what I wanted for my birthday, but damn that doesn't mean you should skip it all together!!! WTF? One things for sure, no relationship can possibly survive without communication. I need to tell him that I'm still upset about this, and the other issues that I have with him. I personally need to hear him say "I Love You". Throw all the BS macho-man image crap out the window and flex your heart muscle not just your biceps.