Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Stay or Go?

I've been doing some serious searching this week. Digging deep into my head and wondering what the future may hold for me. The past few years haven't been the easiest to say the least. I know deep down inside that I haven't wanted to be in a relationship and have subconsciously sabotaged every last one, fearing love. I have a love that burns deep inside for my kids. I would do anything for them, even if at the cost of my own personal happiness.

See, when I made the decision to come back to NY two years ago shortly after splitting with their dad, I insisted that it would only be a temporary set back. I loved life down south, and always wanted to raise them down there. When I found it hard to make it on my own and was falling behind both financially as well as emotionally, I decided to come home to NY for a bit. My parents have been a true blessing and for them I'll always be grateful.

Up until a few weeks ago, I had intentions of going back to FL when I felt the time was right. I didn't want to be with the ex husband anymore, but still loved him enough to allow him to see the kids. He may not be supporting them financially, but he'll always be their dad, no matter what happens between us. Do I love him? Absolutely. But I refuse to allow him to walk all over me anymore.

Reflecting on the two years that we've been here. I've gone to class to become an EMT, which I could do in FL. I've transferred to dispatch with the intentions of using the training for the offer I've already received to come back to the sheriffs department for a increase in salary. I've done everything but search for a house. I truly wanted to go back, and I was using the opportunities I had here in NY to better myself and advance myself to allow for a better life when I was ready to make the choice to come back.

Then a few weeks ago, my oldest daughter saw me online looking at houses. That's when she shared her own feelings. She says she doesn't want to go back to FL. That she wants to stay here with Grandma and Grandpa. This shattered my heart. Not only because she too had made the decision to look down upon her fathers choice to abandon his obligations, but because at that very moment I'd realized that I've been neglecting her too. All of the trips to amusement parks, the weekend get-aways, trips to the toy stores... They were all my own way of buying her love and avoiding discussing own feelings and aspirations.

I'll do anything for my kids. Including taking them to FL to see their dad next month. But I cant help but wonder. With me being very un happy with my current status in life, If I could avoid the depressing feelings that come along with these visits to my old friends and family. I know this time around I could technically make it happen. I could get that house, land that job, and they could return to their old schools. I'm finally ready to make the decision. I could only hope that my little angels step in and help me make the right decision. Whether to stay or go...

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