Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Whats going on

I'm feeling rather indifferent. I'm not sure what to make of these emotions. I cant remember the last time I felt so depressed. I crawled out of my old bed at mom's house and as I wipe my eyes and walk passed her, what she said made me realize part of what was bothering me. She talked about how she ordered trays of precooked items we often have for Thanksgiving. "But wait a minute Mom, I always cook". "I look forward to it every year" I replied.

That's when It hit me and I realized what was bothering me. Right about now Dad and I would begin our shopping list and discuss any changes to the Thanksgiving meal we'd like this year. I'd fight for a ham, and he'd argue how we should try adding some crazy ingredient in the stuffing like nuts or sausage.

When my Dad first got sick, there wasn't much he could do. When he couldn't take me with him to work any longer, instead he taught me to cook. We'd spend hours in the kitchen cooking just about anything, laughing and enjoying our unique sense of humor. It was our way of still bonding despite the changes. As time progressed as did his illness, he'd stay in his bedroom and only help on special occasions... like Thanksgiving.

This Thanksgiving though, with him not around I'm not so sure I know how I'll make it through. I stare at the announcement at work begging for someone to cover that shift, realizing that its the perfect opportunity to avoid dealing with my emotional stress that day. But I also realize that I need to be strong for the rest of the family that misses him too. I lost the man I loved the most, and with the second slipping away now too... I'm just not certain how I'll make it through this holiday season.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Its a hard time to go through without your dad..holidays. He'll be there in spirit and he'd want you to celebrate in honor of him. Wounds like these never heal but with time they become easier to deal with. You'll make it through esp. for his beautiful grandkids. I love you & Im there for you.