Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Year in Review

Well this is it. This is the last night of what was the hardest year by far for me. It's often said that God doesn't place anymore on your shoulders than he knows you can carry. Well I just wish God hadn't trusted me so much.

Here's recap:

The year kicked off on a somber note. Alone & crying in the my hosp bed. Having to once again call Gabby and break the news that her Mommy wasn't coming home tonight. I vowed to never break my little girls heart again and finally make a change.

Thanks to Nick's coaching I decided to take a huge step towards my goal and submit an application to WPB, FL sheriff's office. I "didn't have anything to lose". Not very long after that, I was planning our trip to FL for vacation while somehow squeezing in time for my interview and hiring credentials. Our trip was cut short however by a phone call from Mom.

On April 25th Dad began to complain of feeling pain in his chest. Their immediate response was to call me and ask for help. What could I do though? I felt so helpless being 1300 miles away. I cut my trip to Joe's short and stood by waiting for reassurance that Dad was ok. Mom called hours later and said he was stable to which I breathed a sigh of relief. So it came to much of a surprise when she called me hours later to tell me of his passing.

In the very instant I felt my strength melt away. No longer stood this tough super hero that held herself together. I cried with Mom and then for Mom. I'll never forget, my very first phone call was to Nick. I don't know why looking back now, but somehow I knew that I needed him. Next I called Mom's best friend and asked her to go to the house to help. I called my sister whom too arrived in minutes.

To make a long story short, I wish I hadn't taken that vacation. The guilt tore me to pieces. But thanks to some nice long talks with The Rock Star again, I was able get through it. Somehow his struggling with the guilt of not being there for his daughters and my feeling like I let Dad down seemed to come together aw we offer one another peace of mind as many of our difficulties seem to do.

A few weeks later Arriana graduated elementary school. I once again felt I failed. I made a promise to myself that I'd be back down south by the time she entered Junior High School. I don't want my children to experience growing up on the rough streets as I did. I wanted them to grow up to be these cute little southern belle's with proper manners and all. But we couldn't leave Grandma, not now not yet.

No sooner than I decided though, my sister, under the directives of her boyfriend decides that she's leaving NY and moving to PA. I gladly take over her lease and soon after move in. The months to follow were spent mostly working to maintain two households now while I spent the majority of my days alone, not by choice.

To sum up the year, I've lost the one man I loved unconditionally since the day I was born. The one man I would do anything for. However it allowed me to open up about my feelings to another, something I swore I'd never do again. In times of need its often said we seek the comfort of our loved ones. We keep the friends we have because each and every one of them fills a need we have within us, something we're lacking, that they can provide us with. Thank you my friends for filling the voids.

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