The Beach is Officialy Closed for the Season

You've watched the sunrise and sunset.

Hope it was entertaining for you at the least! ...Now you guys owe me a movie ticket!

Go Back

Ever wish you could go back in time and make things right or do something differently? I've probably mentioned this about a million times, but I have a conscience that works overtime. When I do or say something, I do it with the intentions of causing as little pain as possible. In fact after consideration I decided to rewrite this post.

150 & Counting

Ok, today boys & girls is a rather special day in the blogosphere. Today I celebrate my 150th post here on my blog. I'd like to take a moment to thank all my readers for finding my bitching entertaining. Luv Ya! Today also just so happens to be Thursday, and what are Thursday's famous for?

Thats right today I get to bitch about everything and everyone who's crossed my path. Lets start with my promise to discuss my Stupid-visor, lord knows I keep my promises. This week Stupid-visor decided to take yet another vacation to sit at home and be depressed about not having a life. What does he do when he came back mid-week to check on things? He calls me at 6am asking where an assignment was that should've been completed by an ECRO. Asshole, I wasn't the ECRO last night. I dispatched! Call your stupid-visor and ask him who he gave the assignment to. Its not my fault you sorry excuses cant get your shit straight. Don't alert me at 6am, and don't send me 6 emails (on the company email system that I shouldn't be checking on my days off anyway) telling me you're gonna call me in a minute to discuss this. I didn't take the $1 raise you did and all the responsibilities that come along with it! So... FOAD!

Next in line? Touro college, step right up! I was enrolled in the Nursing program and one requirement was that I maintain at least a "B" average for the first semester. In one class in particular, not even a nursing class I might add, a got a "B-". What screwed me was that the class was only offered once a week and I missed 2 classes of the 6 week semester when I was in the hospital. At first the professor told me not to worry too much, that if she felt I was in jeopardy of falling behind, she'd offer assistance. Surprise, she didn't! Instead she bitched that more than half the class too were failing. Umm, I don't know about you but I see this as a major dent in the schools plans. Now half their nursing students will have to wait till next summer to retake the class and continue on, if they haven't already decided to transfer out like I am. So to Touro College...I offer a big $7,000 a semester FOAD!

Ahh, this certainly is therapeutic.

Ok my final FOAD goes out to... ironically, FOADT.com. WTF happened to the site? I suppose this means I'll have to actually read everyones blogs for their FOAD shouts?!

Oh well... Happy FOAD'ing!

Shut up & Go to Bed

Ever stop to look around you? Seriously, stop. Look at your kids and see them for what they are now, not what you remember them being. My oldest daughter is 10 now and is growing to be quite a cutie. The little one, well she's suddenly 6 and growing into her chubby little frame. My daughters are beautiful. No matter how mean these city streets can be, I pray they'll always be like they are now, my angels!

...been doing alot of thinking lately. I've got all this free time on my hands and nothing to do with it.

Ok, I'm tired as hell and doing that blabbing before bed stuff again, aren't I? You can close the page if you want to or just lay here in bed until we both talk each other to sleep. C'mon I'm a good listener.

I'll have a special FOAD tomorrow for my stupid-visor whom doesn't seem to grasp the whole 'I'm off duty so leave me the f*ck alone idea'. Thanks alot ass for waking me up at 6am and pretty much ruining my entire day! Hopefully I'll wake up on the better side tomorrow and end the day with a bang... quite literally of course ;)


Goodnight!

Where'd Yesterday Go?

Damn, time flies. Tomorrow is not only the first day of school for the kids, but also my baby's 6th birthday. I cant believe this summer went by so quickly. I sorta feel guilty for not being able to celebrate it like we usually do. Most summers we fly out of town and either visit FL or have come here to NY. The Friday nights at Coney Island to see the fire works on the beach, the trips to Riis Beach, goofing around at the pool every afternoon, the late night Carvel runs in our PJ's. We missed it all. This summer I was so caught up in school and other things. Now look... before I knew it, it was all gone. Oh well, the beaches may no longer be legally open, but I've got some catching up to do.


Wow.. Thinking even further, these past 6 years seemed to fly even faster. Seems like just yesterday I was chasing Gabby around the house.

Happy Birthday Baby!
XOXOXO

...Another boring night at work.

Nothing

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing at all. Not calling him everytime I think of him. Not wishing I was with him. Giving him the space he needs. Doing nothing...

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday the girls and I went to a waterpark to celebrate my daughters 6th birthday. I've gotta pat myself on the back, I think I'm a pretty damn cool mom. It doesn't take much to convince my kids to go on the scary water rides that even some of the adults chickened out on, and not too many parents can laugh off half the stuff we do. My daughters truly are and always will be my best friends and reason for waking up each and everyday.

Then of course the day ended much like it has for the past three years, with me having to leave them with Granny while I go to work. Only, last night I agreed to work on the road with Smiley. I had a great time too, we laughed just about all night cracking cheesy jokes at one another. I really enjoy breaking out of my normal routine and going on the road. If they'd give me the opportunity I'd do it everyday rather than dispatching.

One call in particular had me thinking last night though. We got a call for an elderly woman whom had an episode of choking prior to our arrival, but her daughter wanted her to be checked out anyway. Mom was 91 years old, blind and unable to function on her own. Her daughter, whom was at least 50 herself, had dedicated her entire life to caring for her mom. No husband, no children...just the two of them (which I might add is very uncommon for religious Jews as they were). After doing my assessment, I determined mom's lungs were clear & her vitals were stable and agreed to go the extra distance to their hospital of choice some 20 miles away in the city.

In those 20 miles, while mom slept comfortably, the daughter began to express her emotions and discussed her fears earlier in the evening. As her mom was simply having difficulty coughing, she honestly thought her mom was choking. She admitted to straddling her on the bed doing the Heimlich maneuver and praying that God wouldn't take her mom from her. Luckily he didn't this night... but what about tomorrow?

After the call was over, my greatest mommy buzz was gone. Replaced with worry for the daughter. What would she do if she ever really did lose her mom? Would she become one of the psych's or the dysfunctions that I deal with too?

You dedicate your entire life to serving someone else... and then they leave, sometimes unexpectantly.

Ok, I probably picked a really bad time, but I think successfully weaned myself off my heart meds. Seems like many people are choosing to turn their backs to me lately including my cardiologist. This week we were supposed to discuss slowly discontinuing my beta blockers, but since he's not around anymore and I don't want any new quack messing with me, I decided to do it myself. I'll be honest, there were some nights I was really uncomfortable and weren't sure I'd wake up. Now however, I'm feeling better with the exception of being in a real bitchy mood. Still... not in the mood for FOAD's tonight, sorry.

Ok I finally decided to post some blogs I was keeping private. Now, I use blogging as a way to deal with my everyday problems not entertainment for anyone else. If I wanna bitch and complain about being ejected from the nursing program or some ass that pissed me off at work, this is where I'll do it. Why anyone else would be interested in hearing any of it is beyond me, but there'll be no more holding back on my part.

I spent the entire evening writing a blog for tonight, but I'm not posting it. Sorry to disappoint you, seems I've been doing plenty of that lately. Anyway, I just don't feel the same as I did 2 hours ago. I'm hoping that this is an emotion that will be short lived, but much like drunk dialing (or drunk blogging in my case) What I say about how I feel now, may not reflect how I feel in the morning.

I'll get back at 'cha, k?!

I'm Sorry

Sometimes in life we do things we regret. I try not to hold regrets, mainly because each has taught me a valuable lesson and has made me stronger. Now however, I feel weaker than ever. My kindness and wanting to help people through tough times has backfired in my face. I know at this point there's probably nothing I can say to make things right again, but please know... I'm sorry!

They Do Exist

Would you consider being emotional a weakness? I've never told anyone this but on a regular basis I feel some very real cardiac symptoms at the onset of stressor's. I can deal with the stress of work just fine, its emotional stress that seems to take its toll on me. In fact the morning I was first carried away from my office in Tachycardia my divorce papers lay on top my desk for me to sign.

In my experience in the health care industry, I've heard of people dying of broken hearts but never until I've experienced my own have I truly believed it to be true. A recent study at Johns Hopkins confirms my fears, but offers hope too.

Two weeks ago I found myself in the hospital once again feeling some distress after learning that someone wasn't being completely honest with me. It broke my heart and the mold I envisioned. Still after that, I wasn't prepared for what I was told tonight.

I know that traditionally, with today being Thursday and all your probably expecting me to bitch and shout off my FOAD's. Today however I'm gonna write about all the great friends I have(real ones not myspace ones) that help turn my frown upside down regularly.

Last night I was stuck dispatching all night rather than studying for my psych final and getting some sleep. When my shift ended I was rather disappointed by a broken promise from Nick. But as soon as soon I stepped out of the office I was greeted by some morning staff whom I haven't seen in quite some time. I must say, somehow in all the mess in my mind I completely forgot how long its been since I've seen some of them. Then on my ride home I began to think about what we discussed in psych class. When we're going through difficult times, we often seek something or someone to make us feel better. Its part of a healthy healing process.

Feeling under the Weather

In literary works, rain typically symbolizes change. Although we're not being slammed with a hurricane like Mexico is, it has been cold and wet here in NY for the past two days. Hopefully its just the gloomy weather that has me feeling blue. I still cant help but feel like there's some changes that I'll have no choice but live with soon.

The Special FOAD

Ok, I know it's not FOAD Thursday, but I'm gonna bitch anyway. I'm seriously having the worst day I've seen in a long time. Lets see where should I start.

This morning started off as usual except before going to class I didn't nap today. For some reason, I've been unable to eat or sleep properly. Well anyway, I log onto myspace and check my emails and stalk some people. Today I chose to browse the Ex-husbands page and what I saw had me really pissed. I took a deep breath and kept moving though.

At school I scored 1 point lower than what's required of me on an A&P test. No biggie though, I can make up for it on the final next week. Then class was over and It was time to register for next semester, only they wouldn't let me because I still have a $3500 balance for this semester. They're giving me until Wednesday to get the loan that I applied for. Once again I took a deep breath and kept marching on. I'm a pretty strong woman and can tolerate most anything thrown my way.

After arriving home, I make the kids and my dad lunch. Made sure everyone would be ok If I took a nap. I was finally able to get some pretty decent sleep, when all of a sudden mom wakes me up and tells me that I should've been at work 15 minutes ago. Damn! I hurry to get ready and arrive 30 minutes late. Luckily no one complained, oh... but they are mandating me to stay 2 hours late in the morning. Thanks!

But wait... It gets better. After I arrived, I decided to get something from my car. Apparently someone decided to break into my car. They were probably looking for something of value, but were unsuccessful. They were however successful in putting me in this really bad mood I'm on now. F*cking crack heads have to make everyone else around them miserable, to satisfy their f*cking habits! WTF?! So now instead of going home to sleep in the morning, I've gotta go shopping for a new rear window.

So... to all you crack heads, bursars, supervisors who don't have the balls to confront me in person and instead send an email and the ever-so-popular Ex's. A big F*ck Off And Die to ya!

Parenting

As parents we often wonder if were doing a good job raising our children. I'm told quite often that I'm doing quite well. But until I see the actual results in motion, It's hard to contemplate.

My children have seen way more than they've deserved. They've packed up and started over again three times before the age of 8 and 3 respectively. As a child, I cringed at the idea of moving and having to make new friends again. Arriana on the otherhand has been a real trooper, she's come through quite well. Gabby, well... she was so young that her collective memory really wouldn't allow her to remember much thankfully, or maybe not so.

Anyway I bring this up because, the kids are now at daycamp. As I lay here alone in bed and grabbed the covers, I remember what Gabby did to me this morning. In the past three days I've gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep. Between work and school, I've had little time to spend sleeping after first making sure their needs are being met. This morning I arrived home at 6:30 and decided I'd try to sneak in a quick nap. I layed on the sofa purposly not using a blanket, affraid i'd get too comfortable and oversleep. Well a few minutes later Gabby comes from her room and covers me with her blanket, like the sweet little girl does with her baby dolls. Making sure my feet were covered and even kissed me on the forehead. I suppose this means I'm doing a good job teaching her love, and how to make others feel good.

Then there's Arriana. She's exactly as I was at her age. Most of her friends are boys, because well.. there's too much drama from the girls, besides its more fun to challange the boys to video games anyway! Arriana puts on a tough face. She rarely shares her true feelings. During the divorce, I'd often find her fighting to hold back the tears... just as I did. Apparently I was so afraid of scaring the kids by crying in front of them, that instead it taught her to try to hide her own too. I laugh at her every morning when I drop her off at camp or school, being the grown girl she thinks she is, she wont kiss me goodbye in public anymore, lol. But last night she sent me an email at work. She wrote me a song. A sweet little song about her being thankful for all I've done for her. My babies have me an emotional wreck as I write this. I love them so much! I'll tell you one thing I'm certain of, there's nothing in the world compared to the love I have for my daughters.

Takes One to Know One

I took my psychology mid term today, even stayed a bit late to get it graded. How did I score? I got an A+. Woo hoo! How could you expect anything less?! It takes a psych to know one! It's no secret that I've got some qualities of an EDP. Me and my psych patients/friends actually get along quite well, in fact I saw one just a few minutes ago.
...Nothing like your demented neighbor asking you for the 20th time about your marriage and having to explain once again that I'm single now. Or how about the patient that had severe Alzheimer's and Dementia that wanted to enjoy the breeze during one of Florida's famous hurricanes? And me letting her!

Ma'am, Can I Have Another Please?

Last night I was in yet another bridal party. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for seeing two people happily in love with one another and all, but when the last of your friends is married off and someone jokingly asks who's left and they all look at me?! That's when I drink up some more and get my ass away from the table. I've been there, done that. Not to say I wouldn't do it again. I just don't see it in the foreseeable future. C'mon, I'm still paying for my divorce.

I'd be lying if I said that I don't miss being married though. Its what I miss about the marriage that might surprise you. I miss laying in bed at night and having someone to talk to. Someone to listen to my babbling as I would his. Someone to make all my troubles disappear with a simple kiss. To remind me that no matter how bad we want to, we cant stay in bed all day as he turns off the snooze button in the morning.

...Now that I think about it, what I miss the most has nothing to do with a legal document.

Anyways, best of luck to Jim & Ronnie!

Expect the Unexpected

I took sometime today to discuss my concerns about school with my advisor. I'm worried that if I dont get at least a "B" in all classes that I'll be kicked out of the Nursing Program. I sent an email to the professor as she suggested.

Damn, If a Tornado can touch down in Brooklyn...I should be able to do this. Anything's possible!