Amazing

So Thanksgiving went pretty well. I kept busy the best way I knew how, cleaning and cooking. Preparing dinner without Dad around will never get easy, but keeping myself distracted seems to be the way to go.
Friday was my Birthday and I couldn't have asked for a better day. What did I do? Other than a little bit of shopping, absolutely nothing! So what made it so great? Nick. He's just amazing. I'm so glad he's finally feeling better and stronger than ever. To be honest I was quite overwhelmed with so many people wishing me a Happy Birthday. I have a whole lot to be thankful for this season!

Instant Replay

I don't care if you don't get it, we do. Cant wait for instant replays!

Woo Hoo

I never thought failing a test would be so exciting, but it is. I just don't need that headache right now.

I'm feeling like such a delinquent now. Ang, your a bad influence! We gave into peer pressure and skipped class to take the kids to Applebee's. How bad is that? Well... it was just tennis class. Is that ok? LOL

Duty to Act

So I get a phone call yesterday, but since I didn't recognize the number I sent it to voicemail. I checked the message only to discover it was the Brooklyn DA's office seeking help with a case I may have been a witness to. I returned the call only to discover my good deed on Valentines Day was coming back to haunt me.

I was stuck working with Smiley days after our nasty break up. Immediately after pulling out of the garage we were flagged down by 2 males for an apparent MVA across the street. Did I wanna check it out? No. I just wanted my damn coffee and any reason not to talk to him. We had to check it out though, not doing so would put our license in jeopardy. Now however, our responsibility and duty to act has me all stressed out. Dude was drunk, he misjudged himself on a turn and hit a friggen light post. He wasn't injured and since EMS was already on scene, it took PD longer than usual to respond. The guy wasn't injured and didn't want to go to the hospital. So with permission from the officers, we RMA'd him and released him in their custody.

8 months later, the District Attorney's office is trying to gather enough evidence to convict this repeat offender of DUI. Which brings Smiley and Myself in. We'll have to appear in court to testify on the patients mental status and scene sizeup. Grreeat!

Literal

Looking for a new post? Something that'll fill you in on the thoughts of this crazy chick?

Something to laugh at?

Sorry, I cant think of anything decent to write. So... I'll make you laugh!

Listen carefully:

Just what the Therapist ordered

I came to work last night feeling depressed and all teared-up thinking about missing Dads help preparing Thanksgiving dinner and giving me a birthday kiss this year. Add the stress of not being certain if I'll ever see Nick again, and you'll get a glimpse inside my dismembered heart.

The other night I decided to give into temptation though and pair up with a co-worker I've been otherwise avoiding. See many of the people here try to make nice with me so I wont work them too hard. However they fail, you cant beat me at my own game. This guy though came all the way from the Bronx just to deliver coffee and smiles and convince me to work with him if only just once. If I weren't happy, then he'd let me leave without question, much like Nick convinced me to go downstairs to meet him almost 2 years ago. So, I agreed to give it a try, and I'm so glad I did. We had a blast. The truth is, I've gone on a few dates recently but decided against them because I found I was comparing them to the man I would give anything to be with, who also happens to be the man I cant have and may never return to NY.

It was nice to forget the pain for just one night. To live as though I weren't dying inside and instead have someone to sing along to my crazy selection of music. Someone to call and make sure I got home ok knowing I'd be driving home tired. Someone to laugh at the bruises we woke up with the next morning. Anyway, I just got off the phone with him again and decided to make this a regular occurrence. Sometimes its easier to connect and open up to someone your disassociated with, for that reason I'm dubbing my new partner...the Therapist.

How long?

October? September? Maybe August. Certainly before August 11th, or April 26th.

I cant remember the last time I really honestly felt happy. There's a stranger living in my skin. She's doing things that I'd never do. Saying things I'd never mean.

PSI

I was on my way home last night when I came to the conclusion that I need help. Like seriously need help. Perhaps counseling would do... Perhaps.

I've really been through a whole lot in recent months. Without anyway to release, the pressure in my bottle is building up. I can honestly say, and many will agree, that I don't do enough for myself. In recent weeks, I've tried a few new things like meeting new people, but got turned off quickly. I realized that I just don't have the time for a personal life, nor do I have the will to change it. You wanna spend time with me, you'll either have to sign up for a shift working with me or help stuff and dress some bears.

I Proudly Salute You

Veterans Day, the day we salute and pay respect for the brave men and women that've paid the ultimate price. That without hesitation, have served this great country allowing you and I to live free.



Early morning, before the sunrise, they met and stood in formation to prepare their physical bodies for combat. After "PT" they'd return to their living quarters to shower and prepare for their work day. After dressing, they'd once again stand in formation displaying their respect and honor as their superiors address them, in which they'll again do several times throughout the day.


When I visit Dad at Calverton National Cemetery, upon entering the gates I immediately begin to tear up. The rows and rows of limestone headstones stand in this same manner, in formation. Just as in uniform, nothing significantly differentiates them from one another other than their names and rank. ...Still proudly saluting their country.



Thank you Silva, Roman, Moore, Caamano, Alvarez, Cruz, Rivera, Smith, Preston, Richard, Batista, Carmona, my neighbors and friends at Ft Polk, but most of all... thank you Daddy. I love you!

Whats going on

I'm feeling rather indifferent. I'm not sure what to make of these emotions. I cant remember the last time I felt so depressed. I crawled out of my old bed at mom's house and as I wipe my eyes and walk passed her, what she said made me realize part of what was bothering me. She talked about how she ordered trays of precooked items we often have for Thanksgiving. "But wait a minute Mom, I always cook". "I look forward to it every year" I replied.

That's when It hit me and I realized what was bothering me. Right about now Dad and I would begin our shopping list and discuss any changes to the Thanksgiving meal we'd like this year. I'd fight for a ham, and he'd argue how we should try adding some crazy ingredient in the stuffing like nuts or sausage.

When my Dad first got sick, there wasn't much he could do. When he couldn't take me with him to work any longer, instead he taught me to cook. We'd spend hours in the kitchen cooking just about anything, laughing and enjoying our unique sense of humor. It was our way of still bonding despite the changes. As time progressed as did his illness, he'd stay in his bedroom and only help on special occasions... like Thanksgiving.

This Thanksgiving though, with him not around I'm not so sure I know how I'll make it through. I stare at the announcement at work begging for someone to cover that shift, realizing that its the perfect opportunity to avoid dealing with my emotional stress that day. But I also realize that I need to be strong for the rest of the family that misses him too. I lost the man I loved the most, and with the second slipping away now too... I'm just not certain how I'll make it through this holiday season.

Starting with the man in the mirror

Sometimes I sit and wonder, what am I doing? I glance in the mirror but dont recognize the person looking back at me. The things she wants, the things she does, there not my desires there hers.
...I didn't do it Ang. As stupid as it sounds, I'm not ready to give up and move on.

Hurry up and Wait

I came to work yesterday ready to save the innocent victims from the streets on NYC. Yearning for some action, I began my journey to Harlem only to be interrupted half way there by a supervisor in need of assistance. Apparently they forgot to schedule anyone for a standby at a HS Football game on Long Island. The games often get so intense and with the over abundance they have from all their damn property and school taxes they pay out there, they can afford to pay me and my partner to sit on our asses and watch the game. So since none of the hotties were of legal age, this is what I stared at all evening...

Creating Happiness

I was doing some browsing after releasing some of my stored energy and came across an article I wanted to share about Creating your Own Happiness.
If you have the time, its a very good read. I'm gonna give a try and hope you will too!



I'm gonna start off a bit out of order with # 6: Think gratitude.

Count your blessings. Make a list of all the things you have to be thankful for: family, friends, home, etc. Then write a gratitude list, include everything that happened during the day, for which you can be grateful.

• I'm grateful first of all for God allowing me another day. Allowing me to wake up (even after hitting the snooze button 4 times) curled up next to Gabby whom somehow snuck into my bed last night. For allowing me another chance to kiss her and tell her of my love for her.
  

• For Arriana, the child of whom first showed me the true meaning of love. Although she'd rather spend last night rockin' on guitar hero at Grandma's house rather than coming home with her Momma, still, for being able to call and wake her up and pronounce my love to her too, I thank you.

My list can go on and on, so I'll cut it off here and add to it later. But if you care to check in and read this, then I'm thankful for your concern as well.

Most

"The most I can do
for my friend is
simply be his friend."

Source: Henry David Thoreau

Although I love you, this battle is one that I'll have to let you fight yourself. No one can create happiness for you, its up to you to find it yourself.

PVC's

Amongst the many things I must avoid to keep from having another SVT or PVC's, chocolate and coffee are some of them. Two days after the kids brought home pounds and pounds of Hershey's, Kitkats, Reeses and M & Ms, we're down to a fraction of what we started out with. Add yesterdays alcohol consumption and the few cups of coffee it took me to keep me from crawling back into bed today...

........I think I may have over done it!

Hott Mess

If you read my blog, you probably already know I'm full of emotions. However in person, many of the these are hidden. Co-workers for example don't get to see the Lisa that comes out when she mixes up all that love with a few drinks and some music to shake her ass to. I had a really good time last night, hope I didn't give Luz as many blackmail pics as I did at last years holiday party :P

Anyway, getting back to emotion. I decided I didn't want to go home to an empty house so I thought I'd crash at Mom's and snuggle up with the kids after leaving the party. The best route home would be the Grand Central pkwy, which passes what remains of a place that holds a special place in my heart... Shea Stadium. Unless you live under a rock, you probably already know the METS are getting a new stadium, Citifield. Driving on the highway passing Shea, I've become accustom to seeing the illuminated figures on the big blue Stadium known as William A. Shea Municipal Stadium. Now however, all I see is the glow of construction lights as they level my memories to the ground to make a parking lot for Citifield. Since the city no longer allows for use of explosives or wrecking balls, they must take it apart piece by piece. Ugh.. It feels like having all my teeth pulled out one at a time, invoking memories and bringing tears to your my each time I pass.

Yeah I know, I'm an emotional mess... but that's just me so get used to it, there's plenty more you'll get to see soon!

Here I Am

At work, I often sit for hours and stare at a blank computer screen as hundreds of thoughts escape me. Music... invokes my feelings or perhaps exacerbates them. Nonetheless like an addiction, its a drug I cant possibly live without. My world, my heart, would be silenced without it.

Today I was on YouTube and came across a song by the beautifully talent artist Leona Lewis:


...Always, Here I am!

Golden Rules

With tons of co-workers sending me emails, I sometimes cant find the time to read the chain letters and crazy stuff they fwd to everyone in the office. One email from Azure however caught my attention and captured my heart and mind:

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a
life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate
of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in
their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting married, they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the #1
mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never
be based on love.
Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a profound
Truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again:
'You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone'; you need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're
serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:
Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If
you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with
someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel,
eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful.
You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a
marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of
the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you
need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone
who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and
thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your
relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this
person. The
Basis of having good communication is trust - I.e.
Trust that I won't get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest
thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as
someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.
Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe
with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on
personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving
themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who
is always striving to be good and do the right thing'; so ask about your
Significant other what do they do with their time? Is this person
materialistic?
Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top
priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of
people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in
life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the
right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship
work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give
another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure
to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To
measure this, think about the following:
* How do they treat people whom they do not have to be
nice to, Such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.?
* How do they treat their parents and siblings?
* Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't
havegratitude for the people who have given them everything;
* Can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure
that someone
Who treats others poorly will eventually treat you
poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change
about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone
with the intention of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married.
As a colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to
change after marriage for the worse' if you cannot fully accept this
person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and
treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and
less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you
are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the
key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up
with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble
because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective. ...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance.... (some of yall may need to read that again)
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least
minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships.
Observe the relationships
around you. (This statement feeds into my thoughts on 'Do Not Make
Someone a Priority In Your Life, When All You Are Is Just An Option For
Them')

Pay attention... .
Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones
encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth
uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people
do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't
really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of
mind, love and
truth around you...the easier it will become for you to
decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the
balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep
both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get
involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity,
desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low
self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and
don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as
faults aren't really that important.
* Do you bring out the best in each other?
* Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or
do you
compete, compare and control?
* What do you bring to the relationship?
* Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past
mistrust, past pain?
* You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.
* You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
* If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life';
you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your
happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and
security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes),
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES
OF COMMITMENT
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will
erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace it.

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But.........Only God keeps You Going!
'In search for me, I discovered truth.
In search for truth, I discovered love and in search for love, I discovered God.
In God, I have found everything.'
'Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals....'
Author Unknown

Life in a Game

Sorry:

1 : feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence

2 : mournful , sad

3 : inspiring sorrow, pity, scorn, or ridicule : pitiful

Sorry... a word used too much, yet to many means so little.

I was in the local pharmacy picking up my meds when Gabby asked me to purchase a board game for her. As a family, the girls and I still enjoy some good old fashioned fun from time to time. Her choice today, the game Sorry. Ironically though the game really doesn't reflect anything you sincerely are sorry for doing. You bump someone out of their current status and simply reply "sorry" as you force them to return to start again.

How often we say were sorry and aren't truly sincere?

Dad

Although it was exactly 6 months ago, I remember the moment as if it were yesterday. I was driving home from Joe's, having just entered I-95 when my phone rang. It was Mom. I thought she was calling me to laugh again about how silly her day out with Dad was. Instead she was calling me to tell me that he was sick, very sick indeed. With the adrenaline pumping I did what I was taught to do, asking the appropriate questions. His chest pains and the fact that he had an unusual amount of physical activity told me this could be a heart attack. I gave Mom some quick instructions and told her to call 911 immediately.
I should've been there, I've feared this day since I was a little girl. The day the life I'd fight to save, would the one who gave me life. But I wasn't there... instead I was 1300 miles away.

When Mom arrived at the hospital and they ruled out any immediate life threatening problems, she called me so I could breathe a breath of relief. I thought he'd be ok and told her to call me later when he got admitted. The next morning the whole family went to visit, all except me. I'd planned on returning in 2 days and honestly thought he'd make it, but he didn't. Everyone got to say goodbye, everyone except me. If I'd got in the car right away and returned to NY I could've seen what was going on, I could've advocated for him. At the very least I could've said goodbye.