Math Sucks!

1%. That seems to be my lucky number. The number 3 has long been my favorite number, but it seems the number 1 should be instead.

The doctors told me there was a 1% chance that the procedure I had to correct my heart condition would result in an Pulmonary Embolism, which it did. The chances of a subsequent clot were less than 1%, yet... once again, It did. Now thanks to my Dr and I doing some blind research we've accidentally discovered the possible cause of my clotting problem. During a CME class he learned about Protein S and C and their involvement in coagulation. We learned that 1% percent of all thromboembolic episodes are due to a rare disorder in which patients are deficient in these particular proteins. Tests confirmed I fit into that 1%.

Great, right? I should be excited to finally learn of the culprit, but I'm not. This is all still so new to me and even my doctor for that matter, so were sending me to a specialist for further care. I was doing some more research online and learned alot more about the disorder but still not enough to help me make a sound decision about how to proceed from here. My taking blood thinners isn't a fool-proof way of cheating death from another life threatening clot, but it does bring me back to number 3. If I continue on my current approach I stand a 3% risk (increasing every year) of having a major hemorrhage, of which approximately 1/5 are fatal.

Math never was my favorite subject but this is a seriously fucked up equation. I feel like I'm choosing between two paths that both lead to death anyway. Either stop taking the meds and take the risk of throwing another clot or remain on the meds and risk bleeding out.

...Don't expect a decent post from me for a while while I get through the anger.

Craving Some

I don't care what anyone says, NY has the best pizza. Ask any New Yorker and they'll tell you about their one spot. The one place they believe has the best pizza. With pizzerias on just about every corner, trying someone else's isn't all that difficult. In fact you may be offered some on a regular basis.

But one menu in my drawer is all I need. His pizza rocks my world and is worth waiting weeks for. But I seriously doubt I'm the only one he's been serving. Now what?!

Crumbling Foil

12 years ago I was in my senior year of High School eagerly anticipating graduation and going to Texas A & M in Galveston, TX to major in Marine Biology. Ever since my first trip to the NY Aquarium in kindergarten, I've dreamed of one day becoming a marine biologist, saving dolphins and other marine mammals from extinction. However amongst other things I learned as a child, I also learned to read. As a child, especially a little girl, were influenced by stories and fairy tales that make us want what Cinderella had, a prince charming.

When I became pregnant with Arriana in my senior year, I realized that I wanted the fairytale more than a career at sea and opted to get married. My prince charming however, turned out to be an ass in tinfoil.

Anyway, I mention this today because I've been thinking alot lately about myself and my happiness. I've been struggling to do whats right for my kids, but not really giving myself a fair share. Galveston, TX was just hit with a major hurricane and so has my life. I'm tired of riding out the storm, I wanna dance in the rain (amongst other things).

Can I make a Comeback?

Tomorrow I make my return to working "on the road" after deciding I needed a break. Honestly I'm not so sure I have this in me anymore. I've been working in the medical field for nearly 10 years, even longer if you consider what I've done for Dad. I made the decision to step away after having a few emotional incidents following his death.

Soon after Dad's death I made the decision to switch to days. By doing so I'd be less likely to get real emergent calls and deal mostly with hospital transfers and other crappy not so difficult tasks that wouldn't require my absolute best. The truth is I wasn't sure if I had the strength for the job any longer. The strength to separate my emotions from my work. The strength to laugh at the drunks, stabilize a tension pneumothorax or offer a grieving family hope. By going back to days though It seemed as though I were dealing with a larger number of people suffering from the same ailments as Dad. I saw his pain in everyone I dealt with. I just couldn't do this yet, I wasn't ready and made the decision to sit on the sidelines for a bit longer. I needed an emotional vacation.

I revisited the site of my first cardiac arrest the other day. I can recall every single action my partner and I took to revive grandma seconds after seeing her new granddaughter. The house was full of family members celebrating her return home. While in the hospital battling cancer her daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. After arriving home she decided to lay down for a nap, not much longer a family member discovered she wasn't breathing. Luckily my partner and I were close enough to offer her a good chance of survival. I did everything I could, but despite years of training and education nothing was working.

With each round of chest compressions and being unable to get a shock-able rhythm, I knew she wouldn't make it. Still I wouldn't give up hope. See somehow I knew that eventually I would be the family member watching on in fear as people work on saving my Dad. In a way I'm kinda glad I wasn't there to witness his final moments, but my doubt in the care and effort given into saving him has left me in this awkward position.

Can I get over this? Can I be absolutely certain that I'll be able to overcome this and provide the best care for my patients, or is it time for a career change?

Bleh

Sorry I haven't posted in a few. Been feeling kinda yucky.



...Just my luck to actually get sick after playing hookie. Careful what you say, God's got a good sense of humor!

Goodbye for Now

Its hard to put into words how I feel. While my body screams of pleasure, my heart and soul silences me. I've loved before, but none like I feel for you. Loving you comes easy to me, though saying goodbye tears me up.

I've said goodbye to my ex husband for weeks and months on end, not knowing if I'd have the Army Chaplain knocking on my door with somber news. Waking up day after day and carrying on not knowing if I'd see him again was difficult, but doesn't come close to how I feel without you here. It's especially hard when I cant comfort you when I know you need it most.

This feeling is all so new to me, I honestly don't know what to make of it. When you ask why I'm being so quiet, its cause the sound of my love has silenced me and nothing I say could possibly make sense to anyone but me.

Kickoff

Today I had the opportunity to help kick off the 2008 NFL season by playing a part in the medical staff. When the opportunity arose, I declined. When shopping at the local sports store the other day, it hit me. The Giants and Jets jerseys hanging on the racks reminded me that football season was quickly approaching. What It also reminded me, was that I wouldn't be watching the games with my favorite buddy this year... Dad.


We'd taunt and tease all season long with him keeping his loyalty to the Jets while my Giants kick ass. Comparing stats and sharing good eats. This season however I think I'll skip the games all together, watching from a far. I realize that distracting myself isn't the best way to deal with the pain, but it works for now.


FYI: Dad, my Giants started the season off by kicking ass :-P
Love you Daddy!

LOL

Ok, I'm feeling much better today. Got some practicing to do... but for now I thought I'd make you laugh. I've had this song in my head since getting twisted and musical at the BBQ. Still couldnt get the damn thing out, when I decided to look for it on Youtube.

Ever see those Geico commercials with the caveman?

Are you feelin' me?!

Just not me

I really wanna post something tonight. Something funny, something charming, something inviting you in.


Instead I'm not so sure I have much of anything left in me. Just 1,000 of thoughts.

BBQ

Coincidentally I had a weekend evening off from work just days before Gabby's birthday. So I decided to throw a little birthday BBQ for my baby. It went quite well if you ask me. Although it really only had a hand full of kids and really catered to the adults, we all had a blast. It's been a while since I've made a fool of myself and got silly and twisted.

On Wednesday night I heard my sister would be in town for the last weekend of the summer, and Azure asked me to swap nights with her, so... since all the stars were aligned, I decided to go for it. It was a last minute thing I threw together. If you showed up, thank you! If you couldn't come, don't worry they'll be plenty more!

Recap

The mini vacation went very well. I found out Sunday afternoon that my new schedule were to take affect immediately, which meant that this last week of summer I'd have 4 consecutive days off. With alot on my mind I decided a getaway was long over due.

We kicked off the getaway by stopping briefly at the cemetery to say hi to Dad. 4 months later and my wound still bleeds. This time in particular though, witnessing another burial in progress and seeing another family mourning their loved one renewed my pain as I wept for most of the hours that followed. I just don't get it, of all the family members I'm the toughest. I'm the one that others can consistently reply upon for helping keep you strong, but hiding inside is a little girl who still calls our to her Dad and misses him very much.

Soon after the cemetery, we did the typical girly thing and visited the outlets in Riverhead. Only problem is, I'm not like most chicks. I really don't like shopping and crowded malls so we didn't hang around there very long before leaving and getting lost finding out hotel. Eventually we found it though and settled down for the night.

The following morning we began our ride farther east. As east as you can get. Montauk Point is the very tip of Long Island and on it rest a beautiful lighthouse with a breath taking view. I've wanted to take Nick there after learning he likes the rocky shore too, so obviously he was on my mind as I hiked along the shore. Afterwards I took mom for a tour of the wineries in the Hamptons and then back to the hotel to enjoy some goofing around in the pool with the kids.

Have I mentioned how much joy I get from the profession I work in?! Well while at the pool I got to Ooooh and Ahhh the crowd as I pulled a disabled boy that accidental found himself in the deep end, or rather under it. My day wouldn't be complete without making a difference in someones life, today it just meant it would be more dramatic as the kids got to see first hand what their mommy does for a living. Ok back to the room for movies and pizza.

The following morning we woke up bright and early and headed out to the water park. The pain of walking up all them flights to reach the top of the lighthouse was present as we climbed the many stories of steps to get on the cool rides but the pain and burn was all worth it in the end.

All in all I really did enjoy myself, as did the kids and mom. It was nice to escape for a bit and end the summer off on a good note.

Savin Me

I promised you I'd be back tonight, and I am. I really wanted to share some thoughts and reflect on my mini vacation, but I'm just way too exhausted right now.

The trip had a very emotional kick off. Started off mourning my dad and soon after, I found myself saving the life of another. I'll get back to you asap to fill you in on the details, but for now I need to elevate my throbbing legs and cool my sun burnt boobs.

G'night Y'all!

Daycation

As it turns out, after I make it through the next few hours here at work, I'll have 5 days off. I haven't had more than 2 consecutive days off all summer so this kinda excites me. Yeah I know, it doesn't take much to get me going. Anyway, If I'd known in advance I probably would've planned a cool trip for our last week of the summer.

It wont be a total waste though. We sat together and heard each others ideas. Gabby wanting to go to Splish Splash waterpark, Moms wanting to go to the cemetery and Arriana and I wanting to go to the lighthouse at Montauk Pointe. So... we just decided we'll do it all.




... be back Wednesday night!

School Days

Can you believe the summers almost gone already? The kids are due back in school in a little over a week, which means every Mom in the tri-state area is busy gathering everything their little ones need to return.

I still remember those first days of school myself. Growing up in a house with 3 other siblings, I was far from spoiled. I remember having those reject shoes from that discount store or what it was like trying to play up the same three outfits in a way that no one would realize I've worn the same pants twice this week. But in doing so I came to appreciate what I had.


I'll be the first one to admit my kids are spoiled. But what parent doesn't want more for their kids than they had? I'm really excited for them, and me. While their in school I can finally spend time alone and watch my fav shows... if I could ever figure this Tivo thing out.

Take a picture, it'll last longer

This morning I came home after a really rough night at work ready to jump into the bed. Only problem was it was already being occupied by Gabby, which usually isn't a problem. The hundreds of pictures spread out around her however were. Grandma bought Gabby a locket and she was eager to put a family picture in it.

As I gathered the pictures and took a trip down memory lane I too looked for something she'd like. There were plenty of pictures of her and Arriana, but very few of me and even fewer of her Dad. Sadly enough Gabby doesn't remember much about her Dad, she once found a picture of a him in uniform and swore that it wasn't him, not remembering that he was in the military. She was too young to remember those days though. If I remember correctly, most children don't have memories before the age of 2 unless they experienced some traumatic situation. Seeing the pictures again hopefully brings some peace to her.

I really wish things didn't end the way they did. Looking at my wedding pictures, I never would've imagined it could've ended the way we did. I should've known though. The warning signs were there all along. I guess I just held onto the hope that he'd change for the sake of keeping the family together.

... I was wrong. Sometimes we need to learn that people are who they want to be, not what anyone else expects them to be.

Inspiration

Keep in Prayers

Ask anyone who works in the field of EMS what kind of calls are most difficult and I'll bet you the vast majority will say pediatric calls. I'd rather be out of work for months with a strained back from lifting a 600 lb patient than to have to see another pediatric trauma. I may appear tough on the outside, but there's something about seeing an injured child crying that makes me lose my cool. I cant begin to tell you how many times I've walked in the door after work and crawled in bed with my kids, holding them tight and thanking God for blessing me.

Last year my supervisor and friend NYCWD lost his son in a drowning accident. Though his ex wife and him were trained in saving the lives of children, nothing could've prepared her for the day she'd pull her own child from the pool. Sadly DJ didn't make it that summer afternoon.

When I got a phone call this morning from Gary. I could tell by the tone of his voice that something was up. I pulled off the road (one ticket this week was more than enough for me) and braced myself for whatever it was he needed to tell me. Nick's son was hit by a truck. He said Nick was sorry he wasn't able to contact me himself right now, but would as soon as he could. He wasn't too sure of his condition but said that Nick and the family needed our prayers.

I finished my short drive home, walked in the door and lay in bed holding my child and praying for his.

Keep the Cool

I'd like to imagine that I'm a pretty cool person. Probably one of the best friends you'll ever have. But please don't take my friendly gesture for more than it really is. If I invite you into the crazy life I lead and to come along on a few outings, it doesn't mean I'm interested in being with you romantically. Truth is, I don't like being alone.

After the fall of my relationship with smiley, I chose to change partners. Like shoes, I tried on a few until I found someone that I'd feel comfortable spending my long nights with. First there was Ingrid, whom was fun at first but chasing down the scum guys got old quick. Then there were a few that just didn't know what they heck they were doing causing me to fear for my patients and even my own safety. Finally I tried on Jes' for size. How cool is a partner that watches porn while saving lives? I thought for sure we'd get along well.

Jes' is a 50 something yr old gentleman that is happily married and has kids my age. I didn't feel that he could possibly cause any kind of strain on my relationship (or whatever It was) with Nick. Jes' soon showed up everywhere though, seriously... everywhere! He started calling me all the time showing up with tennis raquet in hand, just always trying to get me to spend time off the clock with him. Fearing any unnecessary complications, I dropped him as a partner. We're still cool, but just don't want him to get the wrong idea.

Then I get this pic this morning....


Dude got a tattoo to match mine! Says he's always loved angels and is just happy to have one in his life. I felt the same once too, but now... I wish my angel were here to protect me from this crazed psycho. I know Nick will never read this, but I hope he knows just how much I miss my Angel.

It'll get Better in Time

I've been doing alot of thinking lately. It's been 7 days since I've heard from Nick. Alot has happened in that time, including his surgery. He must know I've gotta be worried sick about him, but yet somethings keeping him from calling me. The first 2 or 3 days I kinda learned with experience that he'd be busy catching up, but with 4, 5, 6 and now day 7 approaching my concern has turned to anger.

I was doing some thinking and couldn't think of any decent excuse for the lack of contact. The situation got worse when my text messages were returned to me after being timed out from being undeliverable. Every time I heard the phone ring I'd hope it was him on the other end... but it wasn't.

So how am I dealing? I spent the entire week alone cleaning and thinking. Avoiding phone calls from guys that've been trying hard to be in my life, while I push them away. Why? Because I see something in Nick that I've never seen before in a guy. Sure I've had some with a few things going for them, but they could never equal the total package I got with Nick.

Then I got to thinking about my tarot reading the other day. One thing that really stood out was her saying that he has no obligation to make me happy, nor would he want to. ..Only I can create my happiness.

She was absolutely right. I've spent my days thinking about what I could do to make others happy, but how much have I really done for myself?

Oops

Ever wish you could go back in time and fix something you wish you hadn't done? Something totally stupid, totally careless?

I did!

I thought it would be cool to try out a darker shade of red....







Turned out it wasn't as cool as I thought. So I undid it. Thank God for a product that removes hair color if your unhappy with it. It washes away the color and reveals your natural hair color.





I'm happy with being au naturale! Lesson learned!