How long?

October? September? Maybe August. Certainly before August 11th, or April 26th.

I cant remember the last time I really honestly felt happy. There's a stranger living in my skin. She's doing things that I'd never do. Saying things I'd never mean.

PSI

I was on my way home last night when I came to the conclusion that I need help. Like seriously need help. Perhaps counseling would do... Perhaps.

I've really been through a whole lot in recent months. Without anyway to release, the pressure in my bottle is building up. I can honestly say, and many will agree, that I don't do enough for myself. In recent weeks, I've tried a few new things like meeting new people, but got turned off quickly. I realized that I just don't have the time for a personal life, nor do I have the will to change it. You wanna spend time with me, you'll either have to sign up for a shift working with me or help stuff and dress some bears.

I Proudly Salute You

Veterans Day, the day we salute and pay respect for the brave men and women that've paid the ultimate price. That without hesitation, have served this great country allowing you and I to live free.



Early morning, before the sunrise, they met and stood in formation to prepare their physical bodies for combat. After "PT" they'd return to their living quarters to shower and prepare for their work day. After dressing, they'd once again stand in formation displaying their respect and honor as their superiors address them, in which they'll again do several times throughout the day.


When I visit Dad at Calverton National Cemetery, upon entering the gates I immediately begin to tear up. The rows and rows of limestone headstones stand in this same manner, in formation. Just as in uniform, nothing significantly differentiates them from one another other than their names and rank. ...Still proudly saluting their country.



Thank you Silva, Roman, Moore, Caamano, Alvarez, Cruz, Rivera, Smith, Preston, Richard, Batista, Carmona, my neighbors and friends at Ft Polk, but most of all... thank you Daddy. I love you!

Whats going on

I'm feeling rather indifferent. I'm not sure what to make of these emotions. I cant remember the last time I felt so depressed. I crawled out of my old bed at mom's house and as I wipe my eyes and walk passed her, what she said made me realize part of what was bothering me. She talked about how she ordered trays of precooked items we often have for Thanksgiving. "But wait a minute Mom, I always cook". "I look forward to it every year" I replied.

That's when It hit me and I realized what was bothering me. Right about now Dad and I would begin our shopping list and discuss any changes to the Thanksgiving meal we'd like this year. I'd fight for a ham, and he'd argue how we should try adding some crazy ingredient in the stuffing like nuts or sausage.

When my Dad first got sick, there wasn't much he could do. When he couldn't take me with him to work any longer, instead he taught me to cook. We'd spend hours in the kitchen cooking just about anything, laughing and enjoying our unique sense of humor. It was our way of still bonding despite the changes. As time progressed as did his illness, he'd stay in his bedroom and only help on special occasions... like Thanksgiving.

This Thanksgiving though, with him not around I'm not so sure I know how I'll make it through. I stare at the announcement at work begging for someone to cover that shift, realizing that its the perfect opportunity to avoid dealing with my emotional stress that day. But I also realize that I need to be strong for the rest of the family that misses him too. I lost the man I loved the most, and with the second slipping away now too... I'm just not certain how I'll make it through this holiday season.

Starting with the man in the mirror

Sometimes I sit and wonder, what am I doing? I glance in the mirror but dont recognize the person looking back at me. The things she wants, the things she does, there not my desires there hers.
...I didn't do it Ang. As stupid as it sounds, I'm not ready to give up and move on.

Hurry up and Wait

I came to work yesterday ready to save the innocent victims from the streets on NYC. Yearning for some action, I began my journey to Harlem only to be interrupted half way there by a supervisor in need of assistance. Apparently they forgot to schedule anyone for a standby at a HS Football game on Long Island. The games often get so intense and with the over abundance they have from all their damn property and school taxes they pay out there, they can afford to pay me and my partner to sit on our asses and watch the game. So since none of the hotties were of legal age, this is what I stared at all evening...

Creating Happiness

I was doing some browsing after releasing some of my stored energy and came across an article I wanted to share about Creating your Own Happiness.
If you have the time, its a very good read. I'm gonna give a try and hope you will too!



I'm gonna start off a bit out of order with # 6: Think gratitude.

Count your blessings. Make a list of all the things you have to be thankful for: family, friends, home, etc. Then write a gratitude list, include everything that happened during the day, for which you can be grateful.

• I'm grateful first of all for God allowing me another day. Allowing me to wake up (even after hitting the snooze button 4 times) curled up next to Gabby whom somehow snuck into my bed last night. For allowing me another chance to kiss her and tell her of my love for her.
  

• For Arriana, the child of whom first showed me the true meaning of love. Although she'd rather spend last night rockin' on guitar hero at Grandma's house rather than coming home with her Momma, still, for being able to call and wake her up and pronounce my love to her too, I thank you.

My list can go on and on, so I'll cut it off here and add to it later. But if you care to check in and read this, then I'm thankful for your concern as well.

Most

"The most I can do
for my friend is
simply be his friend."

Source: Henry David Thoreau

Although I love you, this battle is one that I'll have to let you fight yourself. No one can create happiness for you, its up to you to find it yourself.

PVC's

Amongst the many things I must avoid to keep from having another SVT or PVC's, chocolate and coffee are some of them. Two days after the kids brought home pounds and pounds of Hershey's, Kitkats, Reeses and M & Ms, we're down to a fraction of what we started out with. Add yesterdays alcohol consumption and the few cups of coffee it took me to keep me from crawling back into bed today...

........I think I may have over done it!

Hott Mess

If you read my blog, you probably already know I'm full of emotions. However in person, many of the these are hidden. Co-workers for example don't get to see the Lisa that comes out when she mixes up all that love with a few drinks and some music to shake her ass to. I had a really good time last night, hope I didn't give Luz as many blackmail pics as I did at last years holiday party :P

Anyway, getting back to emotion. I decided I didn't want to go home to an empty house so I thought I'd crash at Mom's and snuggle up with the kids after leaving the party. The best route home would be the Grand Central pkwy, which passes what remains of a place that holds a special place in my heart... Shea Stadium. Unless you live under a rock, you probably already know the METS are getting a new stadium, Citifield. Driving on the highway passing Shea, I've become accustom to seeing the illuminated figures on the big blue Stadium known as William A. Shea Municipal Stadium. Now however, all I see is the glow of construction lights as they level my memories to the ground to make a parking lot for Citifield. Since the city no longer allows for use of explosives or wrecking balls, they must take it apart piece by piece. Ugh.. It feels like having all my teeth pulled out one at a time, invoking memories and bringing tears to your my each time I pass.

Yeah I know, I'm an emotional mess... but that's just me so get used to it, there's plenty more you'll get to see soon!

Here I Am

At work, I often sit for hours and stare at a blank computer screen as hundreds of thoughts escape me. Music... invokes my feelings or perhaps exacerbates them. Nonetheless like an addiction, its a drug I cant possibly live without. My world, my heart, would be silenced without it.

Today I was on YouTube and came across a song by the beautifully talent artist Leona Lewis:


...Always, Here I am!

Golden Rules

With tons of co-workers sending me emails, I sometimes cant find the time to read the chain letters and crazy stuff they fwd to everyone in the office. One email from Azure however caught my attention and captured my heart and mind:

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a
life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate
of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in
their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting married, they'll say: 'We're in love'; I believe this is the #1
mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never
be based on love.
Though this may sound 'not politically correct', there's a profound
Truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again:
'You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone'; you need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're
serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:
Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If
you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with
someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel,
eat and jog together?
You need to share something deeper and more meaningful.
You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a
marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of
the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you
need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone
who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and
thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your
relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this
person. The
Basis of having good communication is trust - I.e.
Trust that I won't get 'punished'; or hurt for expressing my honest
thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as
someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.
Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe
with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on
personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving
themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as 'someone who
is always striving to be good and do the right thing'; so ask about your
Significant other what do they do with their time? Is this person
materialistic?
Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top
priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of
people in the world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in
life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the
right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship
work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give
another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure
to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To
measure this, think about the following:
* How do they treat people whom they do not have to be
nice to, Such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.?
* How do they treat their parents and siblings?
* Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't
havegratitude for the people who have given them everything;
* Can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure
that someone
Who treats others poorly will eventually treat you
poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change
about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone
with the intention of trying to 'improve'; them after they're married.
As a colleague of mine puts it: 'You can probably expect someone to
change after marriage for the worse' if you cannot fully accept this
person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and
treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and
less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you
are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the
key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up
with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble
because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective. ...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance.... (some of yall may need to read that again)
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least
minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships.
Observe the relationships
around you. (This statement feeds into my thoughts on 'Do Not Make
Someone a Priority In Your Life, When All You Are Is Just An Option For
Them')

Pay attention... .
Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones
encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth
uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people
do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't
really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of
mind, love and
truth around you...the easier it will become for you to
decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the
balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, 'Before you get married, keep
both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye'; Before you get
involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, pity,
desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low
self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and
don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as
faults aren't really that important.
* Do you bring out the best in each other?
* Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or
do you
compete, compare and control?
* What do you bring to the relationship?
* Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past
mistrust, past pain?
* You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.
* You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
* If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and 'a life';
you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your
happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and
security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes),
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10.GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES
OF COMMITMENT
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will
erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace it.

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But.........Only God keeps You Going!
'In search for me, I discovered truth.
In search for truth, I discovered love and in search for love, I discovered God.
In God, I have found everything.'
'Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals....'
Author Unknown

Life in a Game

Sorry:

1 : feeling sorrow, regret, or penitence

2 : mournful , sad

3 : inspiring sorrow, pity, scorn, or ridicule : pitiful

Sorry... a word used too much, yet to many means so little.

I was in the local pharmacy picking up my meds when Gabby asked me to purchase a board game for her. As a family, the girls and I still enjoy some good old fashioned fun from time to time. Her choice today, the game Sorry. Ironically though the game really doesn't reflect anything you sincerely are sorry for doing. You bump someone out of their current status and simply reply "sorry" as you force them to return to start again.

How often we say were sorry and aren't truly sincere?

Dad

Although it was exactly 6 months ago, I remember the moment as if it were yesterday. I was driving home from Joe's, having just entered I-95 when my phone rang. It was Mom. I thought she was calling me to laugh again about how silly her day out with Dad was. Instead she was calling me to tell me that he was sick, very sick indeed. With the adrenaline pumping I did what I was taught to do, asking the appropriate questions. His chest pains and the fact that he had an unusual amount of physical activity told me this could be a heart attack. I gave Mom some quick instructions and told her to call 911 immediately.
I should've been there, I've feared this day since I was a little girl. The day the life I'd fight to save, would the one who gave me life. But I wasn't there... instead I was 1300 miles away.

When Mom arrived at the hospital and they ruled out any immediate life threatening problems, she called me so I could breathe a breath of relief. I thought he'd be ok and told her to call me later when he got admitted. The next morning the whole family went to visit, all except me. I'd planned on returning in 2 days and honestly thought he'd make it, but he didn't. Everyone got to say goodbye, everyone except me. If I'd got in the car right away and returned to NY I could've seen what was going on, I could've advocated for him. At the very least I could've said goodbye.

Never

I have a great deal of respect for my elders. Having already survived numerous battles, their guidance and words of wisdom have helped me become the person I am today.

In his drunken stupor, without knowing the details, he tells me:

“Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about. ”

The strong independant woman inside me tells me to stop calling, stop texting, stop worrying about him... but my heart silences their voices.

2nd Try

I haven't done many things that I'd be proud of lately, but last night I did pretty good. It took 6 months to get another date outta us, but Ang and I made it through the night without incident. Given our history, a natural disaster was expected but other than almost having to walk down the mountain for gas, the night went surprisingly well.

Big thanks to my Baby Momma for making it all happen and giving me a new fav song!

Time for Me

So if date #1 was a disaster, having to walk the dark streets of NYC in the rain at 3 am to get my car from the impound lot, why would I agree to another? Cause I love her, but Ang... lets opt for valet parking this time, k?!

Next week on the rehab campaign is the TC (any reason for my alcoholic co-workers to get together and party) Baby shower. As Luz and a few others pointed out that I haven't partied with them since last years holiday party, so I've agreed to stay and shake my ass with them through the night.

All in a Days Work

I pondered it all weekend. Truth is it scares the crap out of me, but its something that could (not absolutely sure) make us happy.

What scares me? I'll tell you one thing, Its not the questions on the application...

Are you willing to tolerate abusive or threatening language from people who, because of their problems, take out their emotions on you?

Are you able to remain emotionally detached in order to respond to situations in a positive, mature and helpful manner?

Are you able to deal with life and death situations multiple times during a shift?

Are you able to listen to a person while their child or parent is dying in their
arms?

Are you willing to respond back to work in the case of an emergency, even though you just finished an eight hour shift?

Are you willing to talk to a person who wants to commit suicide?

Are you willing to take directives and orders and abide by them even if you don't agree with them?

...But rather the thought of its location.

Shut it Down

When I give a crew a call, they eagerly rush to the aid of someones cry for help. Very often the calls get cancelled for various reasons. When they do, I instruct them to "shut it down", turning off the lights and sirens.

This morning I grabbed a friends new phone and read a quote he had as his wallpaper:

"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. "
C. P. SnowEnglish novelist & scientist (1905 - 1980)

Its absolutely correct. If your searching for happiness in something or perhaps someone, you'll never find it. You've gotta go out there and create your own happiness. Whether it be goofing around at the park with the kids or cooking someones favorite dinner, maybe even a night of dancing with friends. Nonetheless only you can create your own happiness. Don't sit around waiting for someone else to do it, you'll only find yourself disappointed. Shut it down girl.

Shea Family Restroom

So I get this email from the METS, advertising the various items their auctioning off from whats left of Shea Stadium before they level it and turn it into a parking lot for the new CitiField Stadium. Look what I found:
There's only one other person that would understand why this auction excites me. I wont bid on it though, it stayed just a thought. We should've done it!

If I Were a Boy

If I were a boy
even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it
cause they stick up to me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrooong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy

Good Humor

You think its a bad sign if the ice cream man is trying to set you up on a date? I've known the guy all my life. It was flattering to hear the 60 something yr old describe me as being a sexy red-head and a responsible mom that works her ass off for her family, but what made the situation even more entertaining was Nicks Aunt passing by and saying hello.

How are You?

Hows everything? Everything OK?

Of course not, but "okay" is the right answer, right?! Why do we give the conditioned answer yes, rather than the truth? Is it that we don't wanna get into the details, or do I doubt you care enough to really wonder how I'm doing anyway?

Nonetheless, I'm OK.

No Hay Dia Que Pase...

When I first got my car, Ang made me a cd with a bunch of music she'd know I'd like. She threw everything from NKOTB to Alicia Keys, Tarzan and Patrick Swazye. But there was one song that she mistakingly chose from the selection of Marc Anthony.

After work tonight, I kinda wasnt in a hurry to get home. I decided to pop the cd in and see what random song would play.



I dont think this rehab thingy is going very well.

Rehab

Music... Its one of many great gifts God's given us. The ability to thank him and express millions of other emotions through the lyrics. Like the strings of a harp, each song has a way to tug on our heart. Now though... I'll be checking into rehab.

Gonna Smile Cause I Deserve to

2 weeks and no word yet. 2 Weeks that I've called and sent messages to no avail, with every single one being returned because they've expired. Every time the phone rings my heart skips a beat, hoping that one day it'll be you on the other end. But as time passes, it becomes vaguer and as what little hope I had left slips away.

Running in Circles

Ang left me this comment on my profile . I havent told her yet, but it really struck a chord in my heart. We're always offering each other support and insight. Sometimes the advice others give though isn't exactly what we necessarily wish to hear, nonetheless its probably true. Reality sucks like that!

Here I sit on the locker room bench looking down at my running shoes. The soles are all worn out from abuse and neglect. I have two options now, I can either stop the running or toss them out and get new ones.

A Dream is a wish your heart makes

Its happening again. I'm getting that itch to get outta NYC again. I guess I'm just stressed and have so much going on, that the idea of escaping it all rather than dealing with it seems much more appealing.

On a side note. The girls started their kids college classes at Kingsborough yesterday. While they were in class I toured my old school and rekindled some wonderful memories. As soon as I walked into the Marine Academic Center, I was taken away by the shark tank that still stands in the lobby. It was there at that very moment that I knew that Gabby wasn't the only one who should be in marine biology class. Afterwards I took her to the research lab and like a little kid at a fair, I gleamed at the exhibits.

It was then that I realized what I needed to do. Maybe Nick was right, maybe I can be a world famous Marine Biologist. Its not too late to switch majors...

Perhaps It'll motivate me to hang around here a bit longer.

Everything, Everywhere

What am I to do. Where am I to go when everything reminds me of you?

...Every song
...Every movie

Everywhere I turn a memory, a smile, a wish.





Hope you know just how much your missed!

Instant Replay!

My soldier, My Hero

My buddy Sgt Roman just left for tour # 3 in Iraq. He came to visit NY last week but had his leave time unexpectedly cut short. We weren't able to physically see each other like we'd hoped, however we were able to spend some time chatting. It's always nice to have someone completely out of the "loop" look at your problems and offer insight.

Anyway at 2am he'll be catching his first of many flights that'll lead to his return to the front line. He'll be joining other buddies of mine, former neighbors, colleagues and more that hold a special place in my heart. Lord I pray you keep them safe in your hands as well as the many loved ones they leave behind.

Shea Goodbye

Ok unless you live under a rock, you probably already know that the Mets blew their chance again this year. The final game at Shea stadium was awesome though, full of everything I'd expected it would be, with the exception of Marc Anthony surprising me and making an appearance to sing the national anthem. He totally threw me over the top. I was flying!



The Mets may have blew a few chances this season, but I still love them. This was the first game I attended and didnt make my walk down the ramp in victory. It really upset me to hear other so-called-fans expressing their anger and renouncing their being Mets Fans. Love is unconditional. It may not be great all the time, but making it through the rough times shows just how true it really is.

Thanks to BigDawg for making it all happen. Love ya big Bro ^_^

Final Day

... Going to Shea to take my damn wildcard!

You've Got Mail

I was just sitting here chatting with a friend who's trying to get me to work for a hospital in Queens, looking for my resume in my email box when I came across a special collection of emails. Yes I'll admit it, I'm a dork. I saved every email we've ever sent each other.

Some made me laugh, some made me cry. But every last one reminded me of how much we've enjoyed one another. While I'm not certain of the future, our past is full of nothing but wonderful memories. I remember when the last thing I'd do before bed was send you an email and hope for a reply when I woke up. When I couldn't go more than an hour or two without stopping to see if I had a surprise waiting in my inbox. We've gone mobile now, but still very little has changed. I keep the text messages that hold special meaning to me and still reach for you when I wake up.

Yay... Shea!

So I'm sitting here all stressed out at work and shit when suddenly I get a text message from Big Dawg. Apparently his friend bailed out on him leaving him with an extra ticket to the final game at Shea Stadium. I've been trying to get my hands on tickets to this particular game for months. I'm so excited!

Yumm

Ok I know I've been talking smack about Starbucks for years now. The idea of paying 5 bucks for a cup of coffee was a huge turn off for me. Two weeks ago I was sent on a special assignment at work, taking a patient to a hospital way out east on Long Island. I was craving coffee. I needed it bad! I drove for miles and all I could find was a new Starbucks along the service road. In this case, sacrificing my personal beliefs for one of those $5 cups of coffee was much more appealing than the idea of the news reporting a tragic crash involving an ambulance on the expressway.

Looking at the menu it was easy to see I wasn't part of the Starbucks clique. Do I really need to get the Starbucks for dummies just to be able to understand their damn menu?! All I wanted was a simple cup of coffee! Then like a child I was attracted to the pretty colors. They had this nifty chalkboard and on it someone drew this months featured flavor, Pumpkin Spice Latte.

My new crack...

Name Changes

I finally had the patience to wait on hold with CUNY to find out what happened to my application for re-admission. Apparently my leaving Kingsborough to follow my new husband down to the bayou confused the admission staff. After faxing some additional documents, I should be all clear to return but 4 months later than I hoped.

This morning I was listening to my favorite radio station as they discussed divorce. One of the radio personalities got the guts to publicly announce his divorce. He spoke of how miserable he'd been for years, sleeping in his car to avoid coming home, turning off his phone to avoid madness and his deep depression. I began to think about my own life before the separation too. I think the military worked quite well for us because we had a good excuse not to be together. If were not together then we cant fight, right?! When he was home though, all I asked of him was to go to church as a family just once a week. I cried my eyes out to God asking that he dealt with my husbands heart, but he still refused to join us. Richie wouldn't do anything with the Family. We'd do all the family outings alone while he stayed home and did whatever he enjoyed. When the fighting stopped and I thought things were getting better I discovered he was being unfaithful. Still I stood by my husband and prayed for better days. When he felt I was close to leaving, he'd suddenly show affection. We'd pretend things were good for a few days but before we knew it, were right back where we started again.

Even after my husband and I separated he messed with my head for years. He'd pick up the girls on weekends and say just what he knew would work at keeping my heart in his hands. Would use me and leave me again, in pain. The same pain and renewed head games kept me from allowing anyone else in. I went out on a few dates, but still couldn't commit. In the back of my head I seriously thought he was going through a phase and would soon come around. I wanted so desperately for my family to be whole again.

Thankfully years later I came to realize his love was all wrong. By no means am I placing all the blame on him. I realize now what I could've or should've done differently. I'm not one to give up on something I have my heart into, but I should've done it years ago. If he doesn't make you feel good, doesn't make you happy, doesn't make you want to tell the whole world how much you love him... then he's not the one for you. Sure we may not realize it at first, being blinded by the image of love we imagine to see. Eventually we see what love really is and recognize it never was there to begin with. If I'm lucky enough to find it again, I can only hope that my hearts not too scarred to recognize it.

Ohh yeah... back to the application for admissions and searching for the reason my name changed from Flores.

'S' on my Chest

Lights & Sirens

If you care enough to keep in contact with me, you probably already know I'm in a bad mood. I've got alot going on right now and am not really good at solving problems at an instant. What I am good at though is my work.

Yesterday I was so uncomfortable that I seriously contemplated calling out, instead I worked through the pain and jumped on board. Right out of the base I was given a code one emergency for a hypotensive crisis. Great... all I imagined the entire way was the risks associated with me being involved in a high speed crash. Ironically my Dr just finished discussing the risks of my job and how I could bleed to death if I were in a major traumatic incident. Still, it didn't stop me from swerving in between cars with my lights and sirens blaring, rushing to save the day. In fact I did it a few more times yesterday as well. I did however end the day on a rather funny note. Nothing hotter than a redheaded EMT with her ass hanging out right?!

... I split my pants on my last call. LOL

Math Sucks!

1%. That seems to be my lucky number. The number 3 has long been my favorite number, but it seems the number 1 should be instead.

The doctors told me there was a 1% chance that the procedure I had to correct my heart condition would result in an Pulmonary Embolism, which it did. The chances of a subsequent clot were less than 1%, yet... once again, It did. Now thanks to my Dr and I doing some blind research we've accidentally discovered the possible cause of my clotting problem. During a CME class he learned about Protein S and C and their involvement in coagulation. We learned that 1% percent of all thromboembolic episodes are due to a rare disorder in which patients are deficient in these particular proteins. Tests confirmed I fit into that 1%.

Great, right? I should be excited to finally learn of the culprit, but I'm not. This is all still so new to me and even my doctor for that matter, so were sending me to a specialist for further care. I was doing some more research online and learned alot more about the disorder but still not enough to help me make a sound decision about how to proceed from here. My taking blood thinners isn't a fool-proof way of cheating death from another life threatening clot, but it does bring me back to number 3. If I continue on my current approach I stand a 3% risk (increasing every year) of having a major hemorrhage, of which approximately 1/5 are fatal.

Math never was my favorite subject but this is a seriously fucked up equation. I feel like I'm choosing between two paths that both lead to death anyway. Either stop taking the meds and take the risk of throwing another clot or remain on the meds and risk bleeding out.

...Don't expect a decent post from me for a while while I get through the anger.

Craving Some

I don't care what anyone says, NY has the best pizza. Ask any New Yorker and they'll tell you about their one spot. The one place they believe has the best pizza. With pizzerias on just about every corner, trying someone else's isn't all that difficult. In fact you may be offered some on a regular basis.

But one menu in my drawer is all I need. His pizza rocks my world and is worth waiting weeks for. But I seriously doubt I'm the only one he's been serving. Now what?!

Crumbling Foil

12 years ago I was in my senior year of High School eagerly anticipating graduation and going to Texas A & M in Galveston, TX to major in Marine Biology. Ever since my first trip to the NY Aquarium in kindergarten, I've dreamed of one day becoming a marine biologist, saving dolphins and other marine mammals from extinction. However amongst other things I learned as a child, I also learned to read. As a child, especially a little girl, were influenced by stories and fairy tales that make us want what Cinderella had, a prince charming.

When I became pregnant with Arriana in my senior year, I realized that I wanted the fairytale more than a career at sea and opted to get married. My prince charming however, turned out to be an ass in tinfoil.

Anyway, I mention this today because I've been thinking alot lately about myself and my happiness. I've been struggling to do whats right for my kids, but not really giving myself a fair share. Galveston, TX was just hit with a major hurricane and so has my life. I'm tired of riding out the storm, I wanna dance in the rain (amongst other things).

Can I make a Comeback?

Tomorrow I make my return to working "on the road" after deciding I needed a break. Honestly I'm not so sure I have this in me anymore. I've been working in the medical field for nearly 10 years, even longer if you consider what I've done for Dad. I made the decision to step away after having a few emotional incidents following his death.

Soon after Dad's death I made the decision to switch to days. By doing so I'd be less likely to get real emergent calls and deal mostly with hospital transfers and other crappy not so difficult tasks that wouldn't require my absolute best. The truth is I wasn't sure if I had the strength for the job any longer. The strength to separate my emotions from my work. The strength to laugh at the drunks, stabilize a tension pneumothorax or offer a grieving family hope. By going back to days though It seemed as though I were dealing with a larger number of people suffering from the same ailments as Dad. I saw his pain in everyone I dealt with. I just couldn't do this yet, I wasn't ready and made the decision to sit on the sidelines for a bit longer. I needed an emotional vacation.

I revisited the site of my first cardiac arrest the other day. I can recall every single action my partner and I took to revive grandma seconds after seeing her new granddaughter. The house was full of family members celebrating her return home. While in the hospital battling cancer her daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. After arriving home she decided to lay down for a nap, not much longer a family member discovered she wasn't breathing. Luckily my partner and I were close enough to offer her a good chance of survival. I did everything I could, but despite years of training and education nothing was working.

With each round of chest compressions and being unable to get a shock-able rhythm, I knew she wouldn't make it. Still I wouldn't give up hope. See somehow I knew that eventually I would be the family member watching on in fear as people work on saving my Dad. In a way I'm kinda glad I wasn't there to witness his final moments, but my doubt in the care and effort given into saving him has left me in this awkward position.

Can I get over this? Can I be absolutely certain that I'll be able to overcome this and provide the best care for my patients, or is it time for a career change?

Bleh

Sorry I haven't posted in a few. Been feeling kinda yucky.



...Just my luck to actually get sick after playing hookie. Careful what you say, God's got a good sense of humor!

Goodbye for Now

Its hard to put into words how I feel. While my body screams of pleasure, my heart and soul silences me. I've loved before, but none like I feel for you. Loving you comes easy to me, though saying goodbye tears me up.

I've said goodbye to my ex husband for weeks and months on end, not knowing if I'd have the Army Chaplain knocking on my door with somber news. Waking up day after day and carrying on not knowing if I'd see him again was difficult, but doesn't come close to how I feel without you here. It's especially hard when I cant comfort you when I know you need it most.

This feeling is all so new to me, I honestly don't know what to make of it. When you ask why I'm being so quiet, its cause the sound of my love has silenced me and nothing I say could possibly make sense to anyone but me.

Kickoff

Today I had the opportunity to help kick off the 2008 NFL season by playing a part in the medical staff. When the opportunity arose, I declined. When shopping at the local sports store the other day, it hit me. The Giants and Jets jerseys hanging on the racks reminded me that football season was quickly approaching. What It also reminded me, was that I wouldn't be watching the games with my favorite buddy this year... Dad.


We'd taunt and tease all season long with him keeping his loyalty to the Jets while my Giants kick ass. Comparing stats and sharing good eats. This season however I think I'll skip the games all together, watching from a far. I realize that distracting myself isn't the best way to deal with the pain, but it works for now.


FYI: Dad, my Giants started the season off by kicking ass :-P
Love you Daddy!

LOL

Ok, I'm feeling much better today. Got some practicing to do... but for now I thought I'd make you laugh. I've had this song in my head since getting twisted and musical at the BBQ. Still couldnt get the damn thing out, when I decided to look for it on Youtube.

Ever see those Geico commercials with the caveman?

Are you feelin' me?!

Just not me

I really wanna post something tonight. Something funny, something charming, something inviting you in.


Instead I'm not so sure I have much of anything left in me. Just 1,000 of thoughts.

BBQ

Coincidentally I had a weekend evening off from work just days before Gabby's birthday. So I decided to throw a little birthday BBQ for my baby. It went quite well if you ask me. Although it really only had a hand full of kids and really catered to the adults, we all had a blast. It's been a while since I've made a fool of myself and got silly and twisted.

On Wednesday night I heard my sister would be in town for the last weekend of the summer, and Azure asked me to swap nights with her, so... since all the stars were aligned, I decided to go for it. It was a last minute thing I threw together. If you showed up, thank you! If you couldn't come, don't worry they'll be plenty more!

Recap

The mini vacation went very well. I found out Sunday afternoon that my new schedule were to take affect immediately, which meant that this last week of summer I'd have 4 consecutive days off. With alot on my mind I decided a getaway was long over due.

We kicked off the getaway by stopping briefly at the cemetery to say hi to Dad. 4 months later and my wound still bleeds. This time in particular though, witnessing another burial in progress and seeing another family mourning their loved one renewed my pain as I wept for most of the hours that followed. I just don't get it, of all the family members I'm the toughest. I'm the one that others can consistently reply upon for helping keep you strong, but hiding inside is a little girl who still calls our to her Dad and misses him very much.

Soon after the cemetery, we did the typical girly thing and visited the outlets in Riverhead. Only problem is, I'm not like most chicks. I really don't like shopping and crowded malls so we didn't hang around there very long before leaving and getting lost finding out hotel. Eventually we found it though and settled down for the night.

The following morning we began our ride farther east. As east as you can get. Montauk Point is the very tip of Long Island and on it rest a beautiful lighthouse with a breath taking view. I've wanted to take Nick there after learning he likes the rocky shore too, so obviously he was on my mind as I hiked along the shore. Afterwards I took mom for a tour of the wineries in the Hamptons and then back to the hotel to enjoy some goofing around in the pool with the kids.

Have I mentioned how much joy I get from the profession I work in?! Well while at the pool I got to Ooooh and Ahhh the crowd as I pulled a disabled boy that accidental found himself in the deep end, or rather under it. My day wouldn't be complete without making a difference in someones life, today it just meant it would be more dramatic as the kids got to see first hand what their mommy does for a living. Ok back to the room for movies and pizza.

The following morning we woke up bright and early and headed out to the water park. The pain of walking up all them flights to reach the top of the lighthouse was present as we climbed the many stories of steps to get on the cool rides but the pain and burn was all worth it in the end.

All in all I really did enjoy myself, as did the kids and mom. It was nice to escape for a bit and end the summer off on a good note.

Savin Me

I promised you I'd be back tonight, and I am. I really wanted to share some thoughts and reflect on my mini vacation, but I'm just way too exhausted right now.

The trip had a very emotional kick off. Started off mourning my dad and soon after, I found myself saving the life of another. I'll get back to you asap to fill you in on the details, but for now I need to elevate my throbbing legs and cool my sun burnt boobs.

G'night Y'all!

Daycation

As it turns out, after I make it through the next few hours here at work, I'll have 5 days off. I haven't had more than 2 consecutive days off all summer so this kinda excites me. Yeah I know, it doesn't take much to get me going. Anyway, If I'd known in advance I probably would've planned a cool trip for our last week of the summer.

It wont be a total waste though. We sat together and heard each others ideas. Gabby wanting to go to Splish Splash waterpark, Moms wanting to go to the cemetery and Arriana and I wanting to go to the lighthouse at Montauk Pointe. So... we just decided we'll do it all.




... be back Wednesday night!

School Days

Can you believe the summers almost gone already? The kids are due back in school in a little over a week, which means every Mom in the tri-state area is busy gathering everything their little ones need to return.

I still remember those first days of school myself. Growing up in a house with 3 other siblings, I was far from spoiled. I remember having those reject shoes from that discount store or what it was like trying to play up the same three outfits in a way that no one would realize I've worn the same pants twice this week. But in doing so I came to appreciate what I had.


I'll be the first one to admit my kids are spoiled. But what parent doesn't want more for their kids than they had? I'm really excited for them, and me. While their in school I can finally spend time alone and watch my fav shows... if I could ever figure this Tivo thing out.

Take a picture, it'll last longer

This morning I came home after a really rough night at work ready to jump into the bed. Only problem was it was already being occupied by Gabby, which usually isn't a problem. The hundreds of pictures spread out around her however were. Grandma bought Gabby a locket and she was eager to put a family picture in it.

As I gathered the pictures and took a trip down memory lane I too looked for something she'd like. There were plenty of pictures of her and Arriana, but very few of me and even fewer of her Dad. Sadly enough Gabby doesn't remember much about her Dad, she once found a picture of a him in uniform and swore that it wasn't him, not remembering that he was in the military. She was too young to remember those days though. If I remember correctly, most children don't have memories before the age of 2 unless they experienced some traumatic situation. Seeing the pictures again hopefully brings some peace to her.

I really wish things didn't end the way they did. Looking at my wedding pictures, I never would've imagined it could've ended the way we did. I should've known though. The warning signs were there all along. I guess I just held onto the hope that he'd change for the sake of keeping the family together.

... I was wrong. Sometimes we need to learn that people are who they want to be, not what anyone else expects them to be.

Inspiration

Keep in Prayers

Ask anyone who works in the field of EMS what kind of calls are most difficult and I'll bet you the vast majority will say pediatric calls. I'd rather be out of work for months with a strained back from lifting a 600 lb patient than to have to see another pediatric trauma. I may appear tough on the outside, but there's something about seeing an injured child crying that makes me lose my cool. I cant begin to tell you how many times I've walked in the door after work and crawled in bed with my kids, holding them tight and thanking God for blessing me.

Last year my supervisor and friend NYCWD lost his son in a drowning accident. Though his ex wife and him were trained in saving the lives of children, nothing could've prepared her for the day she'd pull her own child from the pool. Sadly DJ didn't make it that summer afternoon.

When I got a phone call this morning from Gary. I could tell by the tone of his voice that something was up. I pulled off the road (one ticket this week was more than enough for me) and braced myself for whatever it was he needed to tell me. Nick's son was hit by a truck. He said Nick was sorry he wasn't able to contact me himself right now, but would as soon as he could. He wasn't too sure of his condition but said that Nick and the family needed our prayers.

I finished my short drive home, walked in the door and lay in bed holding my child and praying for his.