Pat on the back

I think I've done a pretty good job thus far with my kids. This week my schedule is crammed with graduation events for my eldest daughter Arriana. See I became pregnant with Arriana my senior year of high school. I missed my senior trip, prom and even all the graduation ceremonies, but ask me if I care?! The love I felt when I saw that little girl for the first time can never be relayed in a way to make you understand, and now this week my baby makes the transformation from elementary school student to junior high school.

Arriana started attending school at the young age of only 2. While technically she attended college with me at the age of 18 months, she didn't actually attend her own classes until I began working. I could've left her home with her dad while I worked, but the thought of leaving her home to wander while dad slept and passed the time playing video games was less than ideal for me. Instead I opted to enroll her in a center that began emphasizing the basic foundations of education at an age where most kids weren't even potty trained yet. So it came as no surprise to me that she's excelled in school over the years, receiving several awards along the way. I'm very proud of her accomplishments, I pray that she'll continue to strive for excellence as she enters her years of higher education. While it'll be increasingly difficult to protect her, I know I've given her everything she'll need to continue to make her mama proud. I love you baby! Congratulations!!!

I skip a few days of blogging, and I cant even think of where to begin to catch up. We'll lets start with my last minute mini get away. It was just what I needed, short and sweet.
Oh how sweet it was!

It was nice to finally get a night with him.. an entire night and not have to worry about time, or circumstances. Even better than the coloring though was waking up in the morning and him being the first thing I see. I forgot just how good it felt to be in his arms. Sigh...

Ok I'm too tired to write a decent post. I'll try again tomorrow.

G'night!

Outdoors Fun

Yesterday Ang and I wanted to do something with the kids since they had the day off from school. I convinced her to go to a fav spot of mine rather than a movie. I'm more of an outdoors type while she knows where every mall and fried chicken joint is within a 45 mile radius :P

So, we enjoyed a round of mini golf... which I still cant believe she's never played before, paintball and a few hits in the batting cages. I went there hoping the kids would have fun and to keep from wasting a nice afternoon in the house while I slept. Instead I found relief. Man... hitting them balls felt soo freaking good. I haven't played softball since high school and let me tell you, that shit feels AWESOME! I wonder If I can get away with playing there without the kids and not seem like a dork? Oh well, who gives a shit?! I'm already the worlds greatest dork!


...But then I was reminded this morning why the doctor told me not to play contact sports. I don't care though, I'd do it again anytime!

The $330 Dildo

Could a dildo possibly be worth $330? Well thats about how much it cost me to go shopping for one.

Ang and I had the night out we so desperately wanted, however it didn't go quite as well as we anticipated. We went to the mall earlier in the day and purchased outfits we thought would accentuate our assets but instead settled for something else less revealing in our closets. The movie was better than we thought, its what happened afterwards that ruined the night. We exited the theater and it rained on our parade, quite literally. While we weren't in the mood to go to a bar for drinks any longer, we certainly wouldn't pass on the opportunity to shop at the adult toy store. Lord knows we needed some!

There amongst the creeps, I professed my love for my lesbian girl friend. :P Shit...at least it got the horny drunks off my back. Wonder why it was so easy for them to believe though? Did we really look like we were lesbian lovers? And If so, then why were we shopping for artificial cock, LMAO?!

Anyway when we were done, we hurried to the car in the rain. Only one problem. The car was gone!!! WTF?! Where could it be, who can I call for help?

Right out of a fuckin movie, I glanced up at the collection of signs. Within the 4 signs was one that clearly stated no parking between 2am -6 am M,W & F. Looking back now, I don't know how I missed it, but I did. Walking about 20 blocks in the rain, In heels, and calling everyone I could think of for help, It was then that I realized just how lost I really was. If dad were alive, he'd be the one I could rely on for help. If I had a super hero, I'd call him... but well, that was sorta why Ang and I went out in the first place. Thanks to Ang I made it through the whole ordeal though.

Well let me go give this toy a try and see if it's worth all the drama it caused. G'night!

2 girls looking for sex in the city

I finally received dads medical records yesterday. I must say, they confirmed all my fears. The care that was provided, or lack of shall I say, without a doubt contributed to his death. I was full of emotion last night after reading them and really needed the comfort of my angel, the only man other than dad who i've completely confided in. However he's apparently fighting his own battle and hasn't reached out to me in nearly a week.

So what's a girl to do? Thanks to Ang and a super ice cream sunday, I made it through the anger. We've wanted to spend sometime away from our guys and thanks to the release of the new sex and the city movie, we'll be doing just that. Tonight were leaving the kids with granny and going into the city. We'll catch the movie and head to the adult toy store for some additional pleasure.

Cleaning the Clutter

Summer may be just around the corner, but spring is still here. Today a friend laughed when I turned down his dinner invite before work replying "no, I'm still shampooing my carpet". Yeah OK that's probably the lamest excuse I've ever used, but it was the truth. I suddenly find myself passing the time by doing extra work around the house. In fact I think I'm booked solid for the next few weeks. I think subconsciously I'm finding things to keep myself busy so I don't have to deal with the outside world. While I cant control what happens out there, I can at least control what happens in my house. Besides, taking some time off to see the big picture might be just what I need right now.

Unsaid

Somethings are better left unsaid. So I write em. But what if I know that you know now? Should that change how I write? No, this is my blog, my thoughts, my therapy.

Got a Date... Woo Hoo!

Damn, 300 posts so far....


Anyway, I know I was just talking shit about not being able to date again and stuff, but I gave into the pressure. Of course single parents cant just get up and hit the streets so it'll take a whole week to plan... and then some.

Who you ask is the mystery person? Well lets just say there will be lots of boob-age, hopefully lots of drinking to get us to put 'Dirty Dancing' to shame, and if your lucky a few embarrassing pics for Myspace.

Oh and Ang, I expect a corsage damn it!!!





P.S. I dont put out on the first date either, K?!

Is this what I want?

I don't care what anyone else says, I'm pretty fucking awesome. Seriously, I do it all. I cook, clean, do laundry, play the whole soccer-mom role, shit I'll even work to help keep the finances in order to keep off some of the pressure. I'll blow your mind away in bed, and walk through the streets like a total woman.
There are a few things however that you will never see me do. I would never disrespect someone. That alone can be discussed over a 15 page essay, but seriously I wouldn't do anything to ever hurt the ones I love.

Now with all that being said, why am I single? Honestly I think I fear dating. Lets be honest, its pretty scary out there. Ive seen it all. The druggies, the players, the stalkers... oh shit yeah, the stalkers! OMG my experience with Nurettin alone should've given me reason to give up on men. But they didn't. I still hoped that one day I'd accidentally meet my Mr. right. Don't get me wrong, I realize that no ones perfect, but I want my someone...

...someone who's eyes I can look into and through all his imperfections still see the one who's perfect to me.

Distant

If nothings changed, then why does everything feel so different?!

Gone But Never to be Forgotten

Sure I may bitch and complain alot, but one thing I will never stop doing is showing my love and respect for the brave men and woman who gave their all for you and I.


Today while your lighting the BBQ and sipping on a nice cold beer with your buds... remember their sacrifices.

Ok its pretty safe to assume that you'll be hearing alot from me in the next few hours or days. As the walls come crashing down and it feels like I'm losing control of everything in my life, all I can do is relay my emotions.

Today marks the one month anniversary since my fathers death. As if that wasnt enough to put me in an emotional uproar, I've been struggling with some other smaller issues too, but until this morning I was managing. Now however with Nick asking for space and ending what we had I've just given up. Fuck it!

I'll admit, I'm really messed up right now...

Letting go

If you really love someone, you'd do anything to see that their happy.

...Even if it means letting them go. No one said it would be easy, in fact its probably the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

No Doubt

Its often said that Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to. If that's the case, then what I thought was mutual was apparently not. Maybe I should take a moment to look at the obvious, before I hurt myself any further. I cant be in a relationship with someone who feels he cant trust me, but then again we're not really in a relationship either now are we?!
Ugh... I'm a fucking pathetic mess.
I've loved him for so long and haven't told him, fearing it would complicate things for him. Instead he probably feels I've been distant because I'm messing around on him. What do I do now?

No pain no gain

Actually thanks to the pain, hopefully there shall be no gain. I've decided I need to start doing more for myself. I don't wanna live the rest of my life miserable. Its so easy to get too involved with day to day functions and easily miss seeing the long term picture. The very first thing I'm starting with is using my membership to the gym. Sure I've popped my head in and out from time to time, but from now on I'm dedicating 2hrs to enhancing my ass... I mean assets.
Yesterday I had a great workout, I wanna set exercise goals too. Something that'll make all this aching seem worth while.

Im not the Only One

Ever hear a song that strikes a chord for you? See Marc Anthony is my absolute favorite singer. He's full of everything a good singer should be, emotion. For that and so many other reasons, Nick reminds me of him.

So when I finished the last part of my exam last night and left work, with no where to go but home, I spent some time alone in my car. I actually do that quite often. A few friends that were aware of my having the night off offered to take me out, to which I turned down. I just wanted to sit and think, to lay and listen to music that puts a hand on my heart.

My car is full of Marc Anthony Cd's thanks to Jes. I took the first one I could reach and popped it in the stereo, the first few songs were familiar but for some reason invoked a different emotion. Thanks to Izabell, I've began to put things into a different prospective, seeing things through his eyes.

And I heard this...




I love him so much. So much...that I have to help him.

How do you know which way to go?

Ever wish we could stare into a crystal ball and see how you'll be in 5, 10, 20 years? What will you be doing? Who will you be doing it with, and are you happy?

I wish I knew all the right answers. All I know is I'm extremely unhappy with my situation right now. I've allowed my day to day activities to get a hold of me, and by doing so have avoided making any drastic changes. In fact every time I seem to move in that direction, I back out and 'disappear' for a bit. Afraid to trust, afraid to risk, to take chances and most of all afraid to love again.

Honestly, I didn't give my all at the interview for the sheriffs office and the position was offered to someone else. Although the kids and I enjoy it in FL, I knew that I wouldn't be able to pack up and leave all those I love here in NY. Now however I realize I need change. I need to make a decision. I have my days when I wanna stay and go back to school. Take advantage of the cheaper living here with mom, while sacrificing my social life. For the most part its really not all that bad here, eventually the girls will outgrow the space and I'll need to move, but technically we could make it a few more years. If I really tightened my spending I could even swing my own place here too.

Then I remember when days were better. When I lived the American dream and every day was warm and sunny. I'm full of nothing but warm memories of Florida. Sunday mornings in church, evening dog walks with the kids, swimming in the backyard, riding on the mower, petting the manatees at dusk, and the smell of dinner cooking on the grill while grabbing some beers for the guys. But more valuable than all of those things... was someone to kiss and hold at night.
Lets face it, I'm miserable alone. I've got tons of friends, I know I'm an awesome person to be around. I find my happiness through being there for them. I keep them close to my heart because the honest truth is... I'm afraid to be alone.

So... while it may not be clear to me just yet, I have faith that I'll make the right decision. In fact the applications are already in the mail. It'll take some sacrifices, and will likely upset some people. But the one person I need to do this for, is me.

I See it Now

Alrighty... we were finally able to sit down and lay it all out, so to speak. I must say though, that although some of what I heard struck me as a surprise for the most part I anticipated what was spoken. It seriously bothers me to see him so upset. He's such a great man and doesn't deserve the BS he goes through. I haven't decided how yet, but I'm gonna help him find a way through this.

As for me, as difficult as it may be, I need to start seeing outside the box. I need to stop living in a fantasy world and let the reality of the situation sink in.

Wish I Knew

One year ago this month, someone left a note on my car. Curiosity got the best of me and I gathered the courage to contact that mystery person. Through out this year we've gone through some pretty significant stuff and offered support to one another. I've known that I've cared very much for him, but wasn't sure until recently just what it meant.

I've spent the past two days in a gloomy mood because I knew something was bothering him. He sent me a vague message, to which I offered my support, though I never knew just what it was that was particularly bothersome. I figured if he wanted me to get involved then he would involve me. The fact that two days have gone by and he still hasn't shared seriously bothers me. Tonight some mutual friends and I went to dinner, I really would've loved for him to be there but knew that he may not be feeling up to it, which I could sort of understand.

Not knowing whats going on however, and being left in the dark, for those that know me isn't exactly a good idea. When I'm left alone to sit and put all the clues together I begin to look beyond the obvious and assume things. I can only imagine that because he hasnt filled me in, that he doesnt want me to know.

Well you know what? I have some things I want you to know too... but I cant tell you, because your leaving again.

Broken and dysrhythmic it may be... he still managed to find his way in.

Jon B. - Someone To Love (Featuring Babyface)

Don't even like to think about it
I don't know what I would do without it
I only know I live and breathe for your love
Baby you came to me in my time of need
When I needed you, you were there for me
Baby, the love from you is what got me through
It's because of you I was able to
Give my heart again, you gave me

Someone to love
Someone to touch
Someone to hold
Oh someone to know
Someone to love
Someone to trust
Someone to hold
Oh someone to know

I thought I'd never love again
I thought my life was over and
I didn't want to face nor even see another day
Suddenly from no where, baby you appeared
You dried my tears, you cared for me
Maybe your love for me, truly rescued me
It's becuase of you, I was able to
Fall in love again, you gave me

[HOOK]

For so long in my life, I wouldn't let love inside
But I swallowed my pride the day you arrived
Now that you're by my side
Everything is all right
It's because of you, I was able to
Give my heart again, you gave me

[HOOK]

Lo Hicimos

Saving the world ain't easy. In fact every three years I must endure continued medical education classes and testing, most commonly known as refresher class, in order to keep my license to save the world. While many see this occasion as a time to cry and whine about failing a particular scenario, I enjoy the pain. Well... ok maybe not. But thanks to some pep talk from friends and stress relief on the roof landing, I went in to last nights skills station ready to take on anything they threw my way.

First scenario was a car accident, after immobilizing the c-spine and strapping him into my nifty device I was on my way to the next scenario... a cardiac arrest. Pushed hard, pushed fast... and yes even involved heavy breathing :P
(U pervs! Thats exactly how its stated in the protocol though!)
Ended my night with a young girl who couldn't take the blow of a quarterback tackling her and ended up with a closed head injury and a gross swollen deformity of the mid thigh, AKA femur fracture.

All in all it was a relatively cool night, thanks to the support of my peeps and daddy watching over me I'll be able to continue doing what I do best for another three years. We did it. Love you guys!!!

Gone

I tried cleaning out some of the clutter in Dad's room today, but I just couldn't do it. Going to his room several times a day to check on him became second nature to me. So much so that I still find myself accidentally walking in, and once again reliving the painful truth that he's never gonna be there again.

Guilt

I realize that guilt is a normal part of the grieving process, but please tell me when I'll get over it and move along to the acceptance phase.



I should've been there. I've known this day would come. But with no clear indication that he was ill, I thought it would be ok to take a vacation. I've spent the last 17 years learning how to take care of Dad, what to look out for and how to treat him... but everything I learned, of everyone I've saved. The one who inspired it all was ironically the one I couldn't help from 1200 miles away.



I'm sorry Dad. I should've been there. I should've been the one to make sure they were taking appropriate actions. I should've been daddy's little angel...

I wish I'd Known

If only I would've known that our last goodbye would really be goodbye.... I would've held you a little tighter, a little longer. I would've reminded you of my love for you. I would've told you that I couldn't have asked for a better father.



Dad,

I'm not sure of what the future has in store for me, but I know you'll still be here to help me. To be the extra hand I need while I learn to ride this bicycle of life.

The extra hand I need in the kitchen

...and the hand that will always be there to walk me through tough times as this.

I love you Daddy!

Being Honest With Myself

Sometimes we take things forgranted assuming it'll always be there. Being completly honest and upfront from the beginning sorta allowed me to do the same. I can recall numerous times when I'd repeatidly tell myself I'd be fine if he decided to leave. The truth is I know he'd like to, but things are less than ideal at home. When I drive home and see he still hasnt returned, the reality hits me. The only difference now is that I realize now matter how much I've drilled it in my head, I know I wouldnt be.

... Oh and for all of you wondering. Yes I'm having a good time on my vacation! See ya soon!!!

1200 miles to go

In about 7 hrs I'll be hitting the open road, cruising down I-95 with the girls in tow. I'll be going through extreme withrawl thinking of you often, but I'll be back...promise!




...Hope they realize I do it all for them.

Shake Whatcha Daddy Gave Ya

When selecting music to listen to I usually go with one of two options. Something I wanna listen to because the artists feelings reflect my own or sometimes I'm just simply craving something to shake my ass to. For instance when I'm home, I'll slap on the Ipod and grab one of the girls to dance with their crazy Mama, otherwise the broom will do just fine.

When I'm all alone however and cant fall asleep, I usually listen to the more emotional stuff. If you were to glance at my music selection, you'd probably think I'm bipolar with the selection of music I have. You'll find everything from Marc Anthony to 'Nsync and Eminem.

Tonight though I wanna share a favorite of mine:



Its full of everything a good song needs; emotion, dancing and an amazing voice.
...Makes me wanna say, I love you Daddy!

I'm sooo gonna need a vacation when I get back next week from Florida. Not only will I be enduring the battle of the ex and his family, but my entire week is being over-consumed by the application process at the Sheriff's office. Monday, shortly after our arrival I have an appointment with the Director of HR, Tuesday my polygraph, Wednesday my exam and interview followed by my medical exam on Thursday.
I guess this means only 2 days with Mickey?!

Slow Down

Remember how I made mention earlier about being able to finally workout again without spending time in the CCU? Well friday after seeing Nick I was compelled to work off some energy at the gym rather than sleep as he suggested. I had a pretty good workout too, but later realized my heart rate was still rather higher than usual. No biggie I thought and still went to work, but hours later I noticed I was still having some issues. I knew I was having PVC's but still insisted they'd go away on their own if I just relaxed.

Needless to say they didnt go away, instead I was being attached to cardiac monitors and carried into my very own ambulance and taken to the hospital. The whole experience was quite interesting I must say. But in all seriousness, I need to stop this shit. Its getting old. I need to find some way to balance all my responsibilities. Despite all attempts, the truth is I cant save the world. Somethings are just meant to be and I must accept that. If someone I love needs my help, I'll be there in a tachy heartbeat. But if work needs me on my day off, they'll just have to call someone else. I really dont need all the overtime I've been getting. Of course money is great, but being alive to spend it would be better.

So I promise, from this day on I vow to never again work another 26 hour shift guzzling down coffee's to stay awake. As a matter of fact, Doc wants me to stay away from coffee, sodas and even chocolate for a bit to see if this resolves itself. It'll be hard, but I've got two damn good reasons to comply.

Regrets

Life is full of regrets. I regret not giving Nick the CD I stayed up till 1am making for him after rethinking some of my selections. I even regret not doing something just five minutes ago. But I dont wanna look back 2 years from now and regret either leaving or not. Life is full of decisions and compromises. I took a chance with my marriage and moved to Louisiana. Did I regret it when it ended abruptly? Not one bit. I have two beautiful children as a result. While somethings can be viewed as a disappointment or failure, the girls certainly out weigh any negativity resulting from the divorce.
So as a very wise man pointed out today. I really dont have much to risk by taking a plunge. If it doesnt turn out to be the greatest decision, I'd still have my family in NY to lean on.
I suppose I'm affraid to break through the comfort zone I've created for myself, fearing possibly falling head first. But hey... life is full of taking chances and the lessons they teach us.

Update

Sorry I've been kinda MIA for a while. I've been working my ass off trying to afford this vacation for me and the kids.

Well, lets see. What have you missed?

• I actually bought myself something... A new car!
  
• I've managed to get off early, which will add two more days to my vacation.
• I've been able to comfortably work out at the gym again without having to spend 2 days in the CCU for every hour on the stairmaster.
• I've decided to let the kids enjoy swimming again. We're back into our sunday routine of goofing around in the pool. But despite Gabby's plea's I just cant gain the courage to allow her to go in the deep end without me. Dave's tragedy has me traumatized.
• Speaking of trauma, refresher class has been pretty fun. Last night I got to treat a sucking chest wound. WTF is a sucking chest wound you ask?! It's what you get when you've had a penetrating trauma to the lungs (usually a gun shot wound) that leaves you with a new whole to breath from. That shit is awesome. You cant just cover it, cause well... thats your new breathing hole. I instead get to do some pretty cool stuff to keep you from drowning in your own blood.
• And finally.... I decided to go forward with the job offer with the Sheriff's office in FL. Sometimes we need to just shut up and take the advice of others around you. If for no other reason, I must do this for the kids.

Well, gotta run. Time to get the kids from school and head over to the Mets game.

c'ya

I WISH

I wish you could see the sadness of a business man

as his livelihood goes up in flames, or that family returning home,
only to find their house and belongings damaged or lost for good.

I wish you could know what it is like to search a burning bedroom
for trapped children, flames rolling above your head,
your palms and knees burning as you crawl,
the floor sagging under your weight as the kitchen below you burns.

I wish you could comprehend a wife's horror at 3 a.m.
as I check her husband of 40 years for a pulse and find none.
I start CPR anyway, hoping to bring him back,
knowing intuitively it is too late.
But wanting his wife and family to know everything possible
was done to try to save his life.

I wish you knew the unique smell of burning insulation,
the taste of soot-filled mucus,
the feeling of intense heat through your turnout gear,
the sound of flames crackling,
the eeriness of being able to see absolutely nothing
in dense smoke-sensations that I've become too familiar with.

I wish you could understand how it feels to go to work
in the morning after having spent most of the night,
hot and soaking wet at a multiple alarm fire.

I wish you could read my mind as I respond to a building fire
"Is this a false alarm or a working fire?
How is the building constructed?
What hazards await me?
Is anyone trapped?"
Or to an EMS call, "What is wrong with the patient?
Is it minor or life-threatening?
Is the caller really in distress or is he waiting for us with a 2x4 or a gun?"

I wish you could be in the emergency room
as a doctor pronounces dead the beautiful five-year old girl
that I have been trying to save during the past 25 minutes.
Who will never go on her first date
or say the words, "I love you Mommy" again.

I wish you could know the frustration I feel
in the cab of the engine or my personal vehicle,
the driver with his foot pressing down hard on the pedal,
my arm tugging again and again at the air horn chain,
as you fail to yield the right-of-way at an intersection or in traffic.
When you need us however,
your first comment upon our arrival will be,
"It took you forever to get here!"

I wish you could know my thoughts
as I help extricate a girl of teenage years
from the remains of her automobile.
"What if this was my sister, my girlfriend or a friend?
What were her parents reaction going to be
when they opened the door to find a police officer with hat in hand?"

I wish you could know how it feels to walk in the back door
and greet my parents and family,
not having the heart to tell them
that I nearly did not come back from the last call.

I wish you could feel the hurt as people verbally,
and sometimes physically,
abuse us or belittle what I do,
or as they express their attitudes of
"It will never happen to me"

I wish you could realize the physical, emotional and mental drain
or missed meals, lost sleep and forgone social activities,
in addition to all the tragedy my eyes have seen.

I wish you could know the brotherhood and self-satisfaction
of helping save a life or of preserving someone's property,
or being able to be there in time of crisis,
or creating order from total chaos.

I wish you could understand what it feels like
to have a little boy tugging at your arm and asking,
"Is Mommy okay?"
Not even being able to look in his eyes without tears from your own
and not knowing what to say.
Or to have to hold back a long time friend
who watches his buddy having rescue breathing done on him
as they take him away in the ambulance.
You know all along he did not have his seat belt on.
A sensation that I have become too familiar with.

Unless you have lived with this kind of life,
you will never truly understand or appreciate who I am,
we are,
or what our job really means to us...

I wish you could though.

-author unknown-

1 against 4

I've just purchased tickets for myself and 4 people for next weeks Mets Vs. Phillies game. I'll endure the teasing and taunting of those fans that'll wear the wrong team jersey initially. But while I may begin as the only Mets fan, I can guarantee I'll recruit Gabby and Tammy by the end of the game. C'mon girls...Wave! :P

A Change is Due

I'm starting to worry about myself. I've been in this "mood" for a few weeks. Looking at it from the outside, I don't think its anything to be alarmed about. Sure I've been depressed for more than two weeks, and been a bit withdrawn from things I'd normally associate myself with, but still don't see any alarms going off suggesting I seek help. For the most part the everyday people that I associate with don't see my pain. I still smile and offer my assistance, even goof around with a few. But for the most part right now I'm working on taking care of myself.

Having to see Smiley just about everyday whether at work or in class now is certainly proving tough, but I'm doing it. I've even got a few guys that are trying very hard to work their way into my life, but I just cant do it. As corny and retarded as it may sound, I'm just not emotionally available right now. Nick's probably the only other person who would understand that, but he's part of the equation too.

Anyway, with the warm weather comes change. As the flowers bloom and the coats shed from our backs, I too hope these feeling will be removed.

Gotta Pocket Full of Sunshine?

Apparently my kids and I share everything, including germs. Yes, I too am now infected. Oddly enough though I'm stuck at work on my night off covering for someone who too has been infected. But his large ogre frame cant handle a little sniffle so my ass is stuck covering for him. No worries though, I'm as relaxed as I could possibly be. Got my pillow and blanket, portable heater and my bottle of alcohol containing cold meds. Why do they put alcohol in it anyway?! Do they wanna make you feel all warm and toasty inside, or goofy and horny like it does to me?

Anyway I promised I'd write a little something, and so I shall. I don't get Nick. I mean seriously, the more I try to understand him, the less I seem to actually comprehend. I know he's very intelligent, has a genuine heart and how messed up this whole thing at home has got him. But I also know that for whatever reason he seems to be avoiding me. He can deny it all he wants, but the truth is in his actions. Whatever his reasoning, I just hope he's doing ok and realizes that no matter what the outcome, he'll always have someone on his side. I've got lots of pleasant memories, dreams and even a few videos to help me "be good".

Ok my buzz is starting to wear off and I'm getting depressed... better go ask Ang to drop something in my pocket ;)

Random Ramblings

While I didn't exactly have the relaxing day I was hoping for, at the very least it ended well. I came home from work with the hopes of getting the kids off to school and climbing into bed. Instead both the girls were sick, so needless to say, I spent the day at the docs with them. I was finally able to sneak in a nap just before getting their meds from the pharmacy. I hate going to that place, I tell ya, Its not safe for me to go anywhere without being approached by some jerk.

Anyways last night I had class, got there just to discover that I tested out of last nights particular lesson. Actually I did quite well and only need to go to a few classes to keep my license to save the world. One lesson however interferes with my vacation plans next month. I'll have to plan something out, otherwise I'll play sick and make it up. Speaking of playing sick. Saturday I have a very special visitor coming. Joe will be in town for Grannies 90th birthday. He'll only be here for an overnight trip, so I agreed to play hookie and give him a tour of the city.

While were on the topic of being back in town... Nick's back. Well, kinda sorta. His car is, but who knows if I'll get to see him?! I'd really like to, but I know there's so many others that do too. I've just learned to stop stressing over it, if he finds the time then good, if not... oh well. I feel like such a dork when it comes to him. I think about him way more than I'd like to admit. There's so much I wanna say about that...

Maybe since I just learned that I'll be working tonight while under the influence of Nyquil, I'll be willing to spill it all out.

Easter Goodies

Yesterday morning at 7am rather than rush home and into bed before the kids woke up, I went to toys r us and did my Easter shopping. Now although my kids do realize the true significance of Easter, I enjoy the whole traditional egg hunts and giving them baskets full of goodies.



The joyful surprise on their face when they crawl out of bed and discover whats waiting for them on the table, is all worth it in my opinion. I love them more than anything and will do everything I possibly can to keep them happy. I'll go all weekend with very little sleep, cooking and dying eggs with one eye closed just to make sure this Easter will be like every other they've become accustomed to. I'll hopefully recover while their in school tomorrow, and be able to sit down and really put together a decent post. Until then, good night! Hope your day was just as wonderful!

Day by Day

Just out of curiosity the other day I decided to fill out an application for a position at the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office. The very next day I got a reply asking me to move along to the next part of the application process. If I pass the background check, which unless masturbation is illegal I undoubtedly will, then I'll have to go down there for my oral interview and psych eval.

I'm not exactly sure I want the position. I know I want a change, just not sure what yet.

Somethings missing in my life and I just cant figure out what it is. I feel like I'm living my life day by day, without seeing the big picture and afraid I may look back 10 yrs from now and regret today.

Time to Face the Storm

He'll Never Know

He'll never know just how much. He'll never know how disappointed she was that she waited all week for this very moment and with the push of a button it was gone. He'll never know that she sat on her bed and undressed as she wondered if there was a hidden message between his words. She quickly threw her clothes back on as she ran down the steps in hopes of finding him waiting for her. Wanting too for a hug and a warm smile before he left again.

She arrived however, just in time to see him drive off into the dark...

But... He'll never know.

Do they Exist?

Angels... Do they really exist? I personally believe strongly that they do. While they may not be wondering the streets of NY with their feathered wings, they are amongst us. I accidentally stumbled upon this video that pretty much contradicts my belief, but still seems awesome.

Check it out!

Crumbled Letters

I just don't get it sometimes. Why do the little things people do make such a big impact on me? For instance, something as simple as a text message or a quick 30 second phone call from Nick brightens up my day, while the same from someone I'm less than pleased with has the exact opposite effect. I was called an Angel tonight by someone who just 3 weeks ago fucked things up for us. Smiley mis-used my trust and caused me a great deal of grief. However he's still my co-worker, classmate and for whatever reason someone I still care to know is doing well.

Now why is something as simple as an email calling me an angel upsetting me? Because below the brief statement he posted a video of a song he said he wanted me to hear. If you know me, you know how deeply I listen to the words. I wanna invoke the feelings of the artist or perhaps even my own. Anyway the song is about having hope and not giving up.

Sorry to say it Smiley... but I already have!

Quick Status Update

Sorry I've been kinda MIA for a while. I've had so many ideas of topics to discuss over the past week or so, but I've just been too damn lazy to post. I'm really tired and have a huge friggin migraine so I'm gonna do this quickly and with very little effort.


First, my baby... well, isn't much of a baby anymore. She turned 11 last night. My mini me is fastly growing into my shoes... quite literally. I love you Baby!

Next, I've hit the books again. I went into my refresher class not realizing just how much I've forgotten. Thankfully on the first night they gave us a diagnostic test to see what topics need to be reviewed, otherwise I'd be pretty disappointed not remembering how to save the world.

I still haven't had any luck with the apartment hunting. Apparently kids aren't a welcome addition in many households. If Arriana had her way though, we'd be returning to the burbs in Florida.

And finally... I need a vacation. The whole ski lodge thing didn't happen this winter so next month I'll be planning at least one road trip. I promised the kids we'd go to Florida and do the whole Disney thing while I do the one thing never seen in a Disney flick... file for divorce.






K, I'm out!

G'night!

Seeing You Hurt

"I don't wanna confuse things, But I just can't keep lying to myself"

Embarrassed

What can possibly be worse than your Dad finding your myspace page?!


How about your Pastor finding your facebook page?!!

Shit... better remove the dirty stuff now!

Having a Fit

I'm not very good when it comes to temptation. Throw something appealing in my face and saying no is, well... not very easy. Yesterday I took Ang to the Honda showroom to help her shop for the car she so desperately wanted. I listened to the sales person's pitch and even sat with them as they discussed the numbers.

Can ya guess what happened next? Umm yeah... I got one too. After spending the night thinking about it though. I've come to the conclusion that If I really do go this morning to pickup the vehicle, that getting my own apartment now with this car payment would be nearly impossible. What was I thinking? I was too self-less to buy myself a $30 book, and now I purchased a 2008 Honda?!

...Maybe I'll sleep on it some more.

Doctors Orders

After running out of meds 4 days ago, I finally hauled my ass over to the doctor today. Considering the length of time and the fact that I feel fine, we're suspecting my Pulmonary Embolism may have finally dissolved. We'll wait a few more months before sending me to glow in the dark again just in case.

I really like my new doc, not only is he really cool but is totally family oriented as well. His wife is his Nurse and runs his practice from the first floor of his house. He's always there if I need him, no matter the time. He gives that small town feel in the heart of Brooklyn.

Anyway, today we somehow got into the conversation of my personal life. He asked about my having a boyfriend. If it were any other man, I'd say yes. It's just so much easier that way since I'm not looking right now. But I cant lie to the Doc, so I said no. I didn't have one. I cant imagine what it had to do with a blood clot in my lungs.... Oh wait we were talking about my going back to the gym. Ok, I was asking about cardio and stuff, maybe he wanted to let me know sex was ok too. So back on topic, Doc's final suggestion; I get a man.

Umm...Can you write a prescription for that?

My Champs

It wasn't about being the best,

or knocking down the competition.

It was about being a team player

...and having a good time

But having all that gold in their hands must feel awesome!

I'm proud of you girls. Great job!

If Home's Where my heart is, Then I'm Out of Place

I know I'm a bit crazy, ok maybe... a bit more than most, but music really means alot to me. It's soothes me when I need it. It embraces an emotion I need to feel or quite simply allows me to be goofy and shake my ass with the kids. But have you ever heard a song that's moved you? I mean seriously moved you? This one song in particular brings me to tears for so many reasons:



The first time I heard this song I'd just moved back to NY from FL. My husband left me and abandoned our family. I lost everything, my house, my car, most of my possessions and my faith as I packed up and moved back to NY. This song somehow gave me hope. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know which path to choose or even how to get there. All I knew was that I was broken and needed to feel like someone was on my side.