Having a Fit

I'm not very good when it comes to temptation. Throw something appealing in my face and saying no is, well... not very easy. Yesterday I took Ang to the Honda showroom to help her shop for the car she so desperately wanted. I listened to the sales person's pitch and even sat with them as they discussed the numbers.

Can ya guess what happened next? Umm yeah... I got one too. After spending the night thinking about it though. I've come to the conclusion that If I really do go this morning to pickup the vehicle, that getting my own apartment now with this car payment would be nearly impossible. What was I thinking? I was too self-less to buy myself a $30 book, and now I purchased a 2008 Honda?!

...Maybe I'll sleep on it some more.

Doctors Orders

After running out of meds 4 days ago, I finally hauled my ass over to the doctor today. Considering the length of time and the fact that I feel fine, we're suspecting my Pulmonary Embolism may have finally dissolved. We'll wait a few more months before sending me to glow in the dark again just in case.

I really like my new doc, not only is he really cool but is totally family oriented as well. His wife is his Nurse and runs his practice from the first floor of his house. He's always there if I need him, no matter the time. He gives that small town feel in the heart of Brooklyn.

Anyway, today we somehow got into the conversation of my personal life. He asked about my having a boyfriend. If it were any other man, I'd say yes. It's just so much easier that way since I'm not looking right now. But I cant lie to the Doc, so I said no. I didn't have one. I cant imagine what it had to do with a blood clot in my lungs.... Oh wait we were talking about my going back to the gym. Ok, I was asking about cardio and stuff, maybe he wanted to let me know sex was ok too. So back on topic, Doc's final suggestion; I get a man.

Umm...Can you write a prescription for that?

My Champs

It wasn't about being the best,

or knocking down the competition.

It was about being a team player

...and having a good time

But having all that gold in their hands must feel awesome!

I'm proud of you girls. Great job!

If Home's Where my heart is, Then I'm Out of Place

I know I'm a bit crazy, ok maybe... a bit more than most, but music really means alot to me. It's soothes me when I need it. It embraces an emotion I need to feel or quite simply allows me to be goofy and shake my ass with the kids. But have you ever heard a song that's moved you? I mean seriously moved you? This one song in particular brings me to tears for so many reasons:



The first time I heard this song I'd just moved back to NY from FL. My husband left me and abandoned our family. I lost everything, my house, my car, most of my possessions and my faith as I packed up and moved back to NY. This song somehow gave me hope. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know which path to choose or even how to get there. All I knew was that I was broken and needed to feel like someone was on my side.

Battles

Last night I got a call from a Nursing home for an elderly person with a fever. Upon my arrival I could hear the sound of death rattling in that 75 yr old womans chest from the moment I stepped off the elevator. My partner and I just looked at each other and gave out that all professional "oh shit". We knew there was very little that could be done at this point and if she were to have any chance of survival we would need to start breathing for her immediately. But apparently this was something the family had prepared for, with them deciding against resuscitating should her heart stop or she'd suddenly stop breathing.

Sometimes were faced with personal battles and no matter how hard it may seem, it's our own to fight. Though many may offer assistance, sometimes we just need to fight them on our own. For me, watching someone I care for very much struggling with life and making decisions has never come easy. He may think that I dont really understand, but the truth is probably do too.

My patient last night didnt survive, but that was a choice that was long pondered by family after their loved one could no longer decide for herself. I cant make the decision for him, but could offer him support no matter. Why?! I guess because he's one of my loved ones now too.

PMS'ing

My boobs are swollen and sore, they hurt like hell. I'm retaining water and craving lots and lots of chocolate. It can only mean one thing either my hormones are raging from not getting any in over a month or I'm just PMS'ing.

Go On

You know what I need?! I need a song!


I just finished reading the book Ang sent me about seeing things from a guys point of view. Apparently all the signs were there and I was just to blind to see. But whatever, I'll never let Smiley take my friendship for granted again. One thing has me seriously thinking though. The one thing I wanted last week, I couldn't have without flying. The one who seemingly has impeccable timing, is still MIA. Which brings me into another chapter of the book.

Why after waiting two weeks for a phone call, we don't just tell ourselves to throw in the towel. The author goes on to say that If a guy were really interested in you, especially if he were out of town, he'd made it a point to keep in contact with you because he wouldn't want you to stray away. So... as the book is titled, He's just not that into you!

My Snow Angels

I love my kids more than anything in the world. When it seems the world is piling on my shoulders and all efforts are failing, my kids give me a dose of my own medicine...Laughter!

When I know their feeling down and out for whatever reason, I'll do something wacky to make them smile. Don't get me wrong, we know when its time to be serious, but for the most part we enjoy each others company. This morning we woke up to find quite a bit of snow had fallen overnight. Just enough to finally take the sleds out of the closet and enjoy a wet cold afternoon in the park. I didn't realize it until later, but it was just what I needed.

Music Mends a Broken Heart

Considering the popularity, its pretty safe to say the music is known to help mend a broken heart. Most songs we listen to are either celebrating a love or getting over losing one. I personally use music for several occasions. Music invokes feelings I for whatever reason wanna feel at any given moment.

There are several other ways people deal with their pain though. For instance, according to the Kübler-Ross model there are five discrete stages by which people deal with grief and tragedy. The model was introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her book "On Death and Dying". The stages have become well-known as the "Five Stages of Grief", depicting the stages that usually follow being diagnosed with a terminal disease. Tonight however I've decided to use this model and see where I stand. I know its normal to be withdrawn and depressed for a bit. I also know that I have some really wonderful friends who come here from time to time to check on me. Hopefully I don't scare them away by turning away from them for a bit while I recover. Just know that every little thing your doing is appreciated. I love you guys!

Now, according to the Kübler-Ross model I'm doing fairly well. Here's how he groups the stages:

1. Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening."
2. Anger: "Why me? It's not fair."
3. Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my children graduate."
4. Depression: "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"
5. Acceptance: "It's going to be OK."

Last night I was in the anger stage as I heard for myself the truth. She called him right in front of me and I heard for myself the one man I trusted not to disappoint me, do just that. I guess a man doesn't need a functioning penis to still act like one! High Five Ang!!!
Ahh.. that felt good!

Back to me now. I'm all that matters right now. I don't want anymore excuses. You've had many chances to make up for all the wrongs. So to smiley and his little blue pills...Goodbye!

So... where do I stand? Lets see, I'm over the anger and denial, never bothered bargaining. No reason to bargain with someone that'll break my heart again. Depression, yeah thats about right. I don't wanna laugh right now. I don't wanna go out and get over him, I just wanna sit here and listen to my music. The next step however may prove to be a struggle. What do I learn to accept? That he's an ass, or that all men are asses?!

K, I'm back to my music now. Thanks for checking in on me!
XOXOXO

Betrayed

Thats it, stick a fork in me cause I'm done.

I'm full of so much emotion right now, but the last thing I want is my kids seeing is me crying. This post is probably gonna be the most emotional post you've seen from me in a very long time. But because I cant do it without crying like a baby, I'll have to finish it later when their in bed or something.

How we Roll

You'd be amazed just how your opinion of someone changes when your pissed at them. This week is the week that the corporate mongers at Hallmark try to pressure us into telling that special someone in our lives just how much they mean to us. Now I know I'm probably sounding like a hypocrite and shit by saying that I hate the holiday, but deep down under my manly uniform is a woman with a very soft heart. I do lots of those little things needed to keep a healthy relationship that remind your loved ones their thought of often. All I asked for, we'll more like secretly hoped for, was for that special someone to show it back.

Now I should be pissed, I should be heart broken, I should be making some lives miserable. Instead I'll feed your heads with some drama.

First, after finally giving Smiley his separation papers we ironically had to work together again. When I was in love with the dude and tried everything I could to be alone together I'd watch for vacancies and sign up to be his partner. I'd cook him dinner and do just about anything to let him know just how I felt for him on a daily basis, until I got tired of not getting the same effort in return. Now that things are over though he's starting to do weird things. I swear he's got borderline personality disorder. Until our big fight earlier in the week I was considering giving him another chance, but when I saw he once again misused my trust, I had no choice but turn away for good.

But shit... this is my f*cking life were talking about remember?!. Nothing goes simple. We were stuck working together for Valentines day and the eve before. I could see the hurt in his eyes as he tried apologizing and justifying his actions. I didn't want to hear it. Unless It had anything to do with work, I didn't wanna be bothered with it anymore. So... I signal to the dispatcher that we're ready for our first assignment and with nothing holding he asked me to standby in the area. After the longest and quietest10 minutes in my life I asked him to drive to dunkin so I could get some coffee. Once again, in case you haven't realized it by now... My life's full of drama. Sure enough as soon as we turn the corner we were flagged down by a few pedestrians for what appeared to be an MVA. On the opposite end of the street were a small mazda with white smoke (FYI: white's usually safe) and an older gentleman inside with positive airbag deployment.

To make a long story short, the man was on his way home after having a few drinks with friends. He wrapped his car around a utility pole but somehow escaped harm. What he couldn't escape however were the cute cops they kept sending to assist me that ultimately hauled him off and charged him with a DWI. In the 45 minutes it took for PD to arrive though Smiley and I began sharing our familiar jokes. Before I knew it I was back under his spell again.

Smiley however wasn't the man I hoped to see on Valentines day. It was actually (shit I just realized the irony in the name) Nick. I knew he was back in town. I made several calls all week long to his cell phone and none were answered. I know he's going through alot of shit right now and I should really be the last thing he needs to worry about, but would it hurt to drop a line or something before leaving for another 2 weeks? I miss sitting and talking, laughing and well just being me. Sure all that other stuff is fun too, but more than anything else I miss having a reason to hurry home in the morning.

Finally, after sitting here bitching about all the men that managed to piss me off this week I realized I have so many more male friends that I'd being doing an injustice If I said all men suck. So... I just decided it would be best to stay away from the those evil depressing mongers at Hallmark and shop for my own self-love gift at walmart :P

My V-Day

I had this really cool post planned for today. I was gonna blast and FOAD every single guy in my life for pissing me off. Then I came across Watchdogs's post and changed my mind. F*ck bitching about other people, today It's all about loving ME!

Now I'm not as talented as he is, so I'm stealing his idea :P

Here’s how the whole thing works:

1.) You’re gonna grab yourself a banner. If you don’t like the one I’ve used in this post, you can find another one here.

2.) You’re gonna post that banner and with it tell us all something that you really like love about yourself (thus, the “self-love” portion of the program).

3.) Ask or beg your readers to post one thing that they too love about you!!! If your blog friends are nice, you shouldn’t have to beg…much.

4.) Enjoy yourself and spread the love by doing this on your blog!



Self love is nothing new to me, shit it's the reason I'm always late for work. With showers often taking longer than expected. But aside from that, I Love myself for my ability to be a great listener. Friends and loved ones know just how dependable I can be. If your looking for someone that'll always have your back, I'm your gal! Need someone to give you a hug and tell you it'll be all right? Yup thats me too. Why? Because I love and care for you more than you'll ever know... thats just me!

Snow Day

Finally, our first snow accumulation in NYC this year. This time however its caught me at a time when just about everything and everyone is seemingly making me mad. Instead of thoughts of sledding and hot cocoa all I can think of is a 12 hour shift ahead with 4 MVA's because some assholes don't realize driving in snow is dangerous, 2 heart attacks cause you ignored the warnings and insisted on clearing the sidewalks quickly and 1 fractured hip because your asshole neighbor didn't!

Anyway... hope you guys enjoy it!

Just called to say...

I hold my phone and stare at it, wondering... will you answer when I call this time? Should I leave another voicemail that'll likely go unanswered or find another distraction?

Writing this made me think of you, so I called you once again. This time however just like the last, I didn't leave a message. Maybe you want me to give up, maybe I complicate things for you. I begin to think about how I treat people that call me when I don't want to be bothered by them. The calls that go unanswered, the emails without replies and all because... they cant be you.

Hopefully with time It'll hurt less, but for now writing about you helps even though you'll probably never know I ever felt this way.

I'm an ass!

I'm such an ass! Friday night, taking Gabby to the ER, the thought of taking my meds was far from my mind until someone jokingly reminded me last night. Of course by then I'd realized that I've missed not only fridays meds but now saturdays as well.

So... here I am on whats now day three without taking my meds, and all I can feel is anger towards myself. I'm gonna have to cancel my appointment with the hematologist that I've waited 6 weeks to get, just because they'd have to admit me for being obviously well below therapeutic levels... Cant hide blood from vampires!

Tonight's my friday, with the rest of the week off I dont intend on spending three more lonely days in the hospital waiting for the coumadin levels to go up again. I think I need to find someone reliable to send me daily reminders or something before I do some serious harm.

I must look really fuckin cute now!

I'll fill you guys in on the details later.

Sleep Talking

I'm half asleep as I write this, so nows a good time to hear me ramble on about just about anything and everything, but mostly nothing at all.

• I'm seriously thinking I'm getting too old for these 36 hour days.
• I'm pretty concerned about Nick. Although he tells me not to be, I cant help but feel the pain between his words.
• I wouldn't be surprised if I get called in to be drug tested later. I ran away from work this morning feeling very sick, and eyes were bright red. But I assure you it was mostly the over-crowded ER's, extended waits in triage, my coumadin... and sleep deprivation!
  

• I wonder. If Borderline personality disorder is a disorder, then it should be out of the ordinary right?! ...Sure doesn't seem that way!

Ok, ok I'm gonna shut up now and get my ass to bed.

G'night Y'all!

Secrets

Ever wish you had the power to see who someone really is immediately rather than waiting months or years to find that there's something they do that drives you insane? I was chatting with Penn earlier and got into a similar conversation. In the beginning of a relationship were often clouded with nothing but positive thoughts. With time however, we eventually start to see the faults.

Although its said that no one person is perfect, its also said that opposites attract. Arguing in a relationship is perfectly normal... I just wish I could see all the faults and decide whether I wanna waste my time early on. Is that too much to ask?

Now... I wanna know about you! Consider yourself tagged.

The rules:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself.
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.


1. I dance around my room naked after I get out of the shower, sometimes even in front of an open window.

2. I'm scared of being home alone.

3. I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube rather than roll it up, but... at least I remember to put the cap back on :P

4. I'm known to moan in my sleep... probably dreaming of you.

5. Apparently it's impossible for me to lie when I'm sleeping too. If you wanna get the truth out of me, catch me sleep talking which I do quite often too.

6. I like warm coffee. If its too cold or too hot, I'll let it sit till its room temperature.

7. I'll eat chocolate cake and a diet coke and call it a balanced diet :P


I'm not exactly into the whole chain letter thing. So I wont be threatening you or pulling your arms forcing you to do this, but I think it would be pretty cool to know more about those that already know so much about me. If you have a blog, send me the link to your answers, if not leave your answers as a comment. Have fun with it!

Shh...Secrets

Ever wish you could write something so secretive, and anonymous because you'd just about die if someone knew it was you. The above isn't mine, but I'm a big fan of PostSecret, a site that allows you to do just that. Although I haven't personally sent anything in, I can honestly say that I can relate to many of the people who have. I really want the book they published too, I've been saying it for a while, but thats kinda sorta one of my secrets.

I have a hard time buying myself things. I could splurge on the kids and not think twice about taking my sister out for dinner and a movie last night, but dropping a few bucks on myself for a book that really wouldn't serve any functional purpose, just seems a bit... not me. I know it probably sounds stupid, but there's more stupid little things about me you probably don't know too.

Chicken Noodle Soup

I was brushing my teeth this morning. Sounds like something normal right?! Of course it is, but every morning I think about how I do it. Am I squeezing from the middle of the tube? Would I be driving Him insane? Little things like that in a relationship can either make it or break it. Either way, the feeling of trying to make or keep someone happy is a much missed feeling. Then I begin to yell at myself. I think way too much about people who dont reciprocate.

I've got one guy that seemingly only calls me when he's at work, one who makes weekly appearances and another that'll call for an ambulance just to hear from me at times. I can honestly say I love the people in my life. I once read an article about the people we choose to hold close to our hearts. Each person meets a need we have at any given moment.

I love many... though, am not in love.

On a day like today, when I'm feeling yucky and could use a hug and maybe some chicken noodle soup. Who do I call?

When I cant fall asleep at night because all I can think about is having to tell that poor kids mom that her only child may not make it through. Who do I call?

When I'm excited cause I got accepted to nursing school again. Who do I call?

Who can I go to for all those little things that add up to alot? In all honesty, I'm surrounded by lots of people who love me, but I wanna be in love. I want someone to cuddle with on the couch, someone to offer a hug when I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, some one to be the one for me, the whole package. I want it all!

Missing

You cant miss something that was never really yours, right?! Wrong!

You can sit like a dork trying so hard to find something other than him to write about. Something to help you escape your thoughts while you wonder... am I in his?

When Your Mad

Apparently I'm cute when I'm mad?!

Thursday night after a heated email I came to work prepared to spend the entire night arguing with Smiley. I even imagined myself leaving him alone in the front cabin and me sleeping in the back just to avoid him. I asked the dispatcher to allow me to work in a spot close to home in case it got really heated and I wanted to walk away. Of course It would've put our bus out of service and I probably would've lost my job, but I was still preparing myself for the worst.

So I arrive and there he is at the counter getting the keys for our ambulance with a huge smile, like nothings wrong! I give him a rather awkward hello and walked away. I left to go upstairs and ask the dispatcher for the previous mentioned arrangement. Then I return to our bus only to find he's still friggin smiling! He compliments me and my hair as I coldly reply "thanks". Keep on trucking... O2 tanks checked, equipment checked, KED and short board (yeah as If I plan on pulling some drunk MF out of a car tonight anyway?!) nontheless they're here anyway...check. I continued inventory as he was gloating in his own thoughts. He asked if I wanted a newspaper or any magazines (WTF?!), "uh no thanks". Then were both ready and we handed our inventory sheet to the supv for approval.
K, were ready to save the day.

"Do you wanna talk now?" he asks.

"Yeah I guess so", I replied as he once again...smiles. By now I'm totally pissed and he's seriously getting off on this shit!

He starts explaining and justifying his actions lately, and it wasn't long before the tears starting rolling down his cheeks. After it all, I was feeling much better knowing the truth, but had to ask why he was amused by my anger? He replies "Your so damn cute when your mad".

Ugh...

Now I got this damn song in my head:



Smiley's no Nick though. He shows his age with his taste in music, he cant rock like we can. He probably wouldn't have any idea who Ne-Yo was... and Nick wouldn't piss me off just to see my cute mad face, would he?!

My Point

Bummed

I don't know why but I'm in a really bummed out mood. Hopefully it's just the winter blues or something and it'll be short lived. But since I really have no idea whats particularly bothersome, I'll blog about any or all of it.

I took the kids out to the store yesterday and fell even deeper into my thoughts. This time of year all the stores are surrounded with valentines day items intended to show that special someone in your life how much you love them. In my opinion though If you really loved them, you'd tell them every chance you get. I don't need Hallmark to remind me. Then I began to think about all the people I love, and most of them probably don't even know. My job forces me to put on my big girl panties and separate my emotions from my actions, but in doing so I've neglected to tell them just how I feel. Gheez now I feel like such a dude. K, maybe I'll say it with a Hallmark card :P

Next issue, Its tax season and I'll have the extra money I've needed for my own apartment. Only problem now is mom quit her job a few months ago and without my income I'm not exactly sure they'd be ok. Honestly I know its not fair for me to have such a burden, and even though all four of us kids are working and are capable of helping, no one can take care of them like I can. This worries me. Last time I moved away dad would call me begging me to come back to NY cause he missed having a home cooked meal everyday. Sure he intended it as a joke, but in all honesty I didn't get my Suzy homemaker skills from mom. Maybe I'll find something affordable close to home that'll still allow me to help them out.

I wish there was one thing I could point out as the culprit of my bad mood and get rid of it, but it seems like an accumulation of several emotions. I was depressed about being alone in bed last night, but didn't wanna be with any of the people that called. Maybe it's the one I wished I'd spoken with that's got my head in the clouds.

Or... this could all be hormonal since my friggen boobs are killing me!!!

Unless you live under a rock, you probably already know that the NY Giants are headed to the SuperBowl.

I must say not being able to find a live feed to watch the game certainly had me going crazy. Big F'ing thanks to the NFL's corporate mongers and their blackout regulations, but thanks to Smiley giving me the last minute play by plays I was able to hear the official announcement.

Congrats guys!

Worse than a Dude

WTF is up with some lesbians? Seriously, some can be worse than dudes! Deb for instance is a Medic from my company I've known for over two years. That's about how long she's been trying to pursue me. Mind you, Deb's in her late 40's, has gray hair and is far from attractive.

To date, I am the only dispatcher that has not sent her home for her rude and obnoxious behavior, instead I found a way to communicate with her and convince her to get the job done. Maybe it's just a gift I have, but I seem to get along pretty well with just about anyone. Deb however still holds on to hopes of being able to "Wine & Dine me" and "treat me the way a woman should be treated".

Umm sorry Deb... it's strictly dickly for me!

C'mon, It'll be Fun

I need a vacation, only problem is I cant decide when and where to go. I begin classes again in March so I'd better hurry and decide. I'm sorta torn between the whole Disney idea and an indoor waterpark/ski resort in the Pocono's. Right now I'm leaning towards the Pocono's idea. I'm working on convincing the kids that snowtubing down a mountain with mom is way cooler than standing in line at Disney during spring break. Besides, a trip to FL quickly turns into a chore having to drive all around the state visiting family.

Ambulance Driver

Just an ambulance driver......

Just an ambulance driver.......

Standing in chest deep water, freezing rain falling and stinging as it hits the exposed parts of my body. Holding her head above water to keep her from drowning until rescue could get there to cut her free---
BUT I'M JUST AN AMBULANCE DRIVER

Comforting a 89 year old woman who just watched me and my partner cover the face of her husband of 64 years as he lay dead on their bathroom floor---
BUT I'M JUST AN AMBULANCE DRIVER

On scene at an MVA with mom trapped upside down in her car and her dead sons body laying on top of her. Without a second thought for my own safety I crawl into the wreckage to take C-spine control and calm the frantic lady---
BUT I'M JUST AN AMBULANCE DRIVER

Called away from my just prepared meal to respond to the middle of B.F.E to a house with no numbers, no porch light on, nobody waiting to signal us in and they complain because we took too long only to find out the patient left in her own vehicle ten minutes ago...so we smile and walk away from the verbal lashing only because we are--
JUST AMBULANCE DRIVERS

Standing in the middle of the street at midnight on the wrong side of town trying to patch the holes and stop the bleeding of a 19 year old shooting victim with the occasional bullet whizzing past our heads we never break stride because this kids life is in our hands---
BUT I'M JUST AN AMBULANCE DRIVER

Doing chest compressions on a 16 year old girl who decided this life was more than she could take. Her family screaming at us to help as though we are the ones who did this to her. Her lifeless body flailing about as the tube goes in and IV's being started, my arms and back burning from the pain of 30 minutes of CPR never once giving up, hoping she would make it through and over come whatever lead her to this bad decision----
BUT I'M JUST AN AMBULANCE DRIVER

Death is all around me and still I go home to live my life
I get kicked, hit, spit on, bled on, puked on...

I look into the eyes of a lifeless child at 7am and by 8 am I'm holding my child a little tighter and they know nothing about what happened.

I have hundreds of hours of classroom time
Years of in the field experience
I have challenged death and won
I've helped the helpless
I've neglected my family for yours
I find comfort in complete chaos
I eat cold meals if i eat at all
I work with no sleep for days at a time
I miss birthdays, holidays and school functions
I put myself in harms way for a total stranger on a daily basis

...ALL BECAUSE I AM JUST AN AMBULANCE DRIVER

Oxytocin Please?!

The past few days have been hell for me at work. Yesterday every single person I picked up lived in a building with no friggen elevator. Even though not one of them complained of leg pain or difficulty walking, I still had to follow protocol and not let them walk down stairs. Needless to say I was in quite a bit of pain when walking back into work last night, only to find that It was my turn to carry a special stretcher designed for patients up to 1500lbs. Yep, no rest for the weary. Oddly enough though, just about all my calls last night were for pediatrics. That certainly helped me balance out the extra weight of the stretcher so I didn't have to lift anymore than I've become used to.

The physical demands of my job can be quite bothersome, but for some reason the pain in my biceps and back don't compare to my emotional stress right now. I wont go into much detail now, but I will say that seeing a GA license plate on my street made me suddenly see hope. He always seems to appear when I need him the most. I'm seriously starting to show signs of withdrawal too. I came home to check for any new emails and oddly enough found the topic of hugs being discussed on MSN.

Talking when you should be touching
There’s more to communication than just using your mouth. Sometimes a simple touch takes us where words cannot go. Studies show that even a 20-second hug raises oxytocin levels in both men and women — oxytocin is the “cuddle hormone” — it helps us to feel calm and connected to our partner. According to the New Scientist, “Oxytocin also boosts trust, which is an important step in developing a loving relationship.” British scientist Andreas Meyer-Lindenberg and his team at the National Institute of Mental Health found that oxytocin release “reduced activity in the amygdala, a part of the brain that signals fear, and therefore helped them to bond to another person.”

So when words fail you, go for that 20-second hug. It may be just the fuel you need to fill up your tank for the relationship-road ahead.

So... that's it, I'm going through oxytocin withdrawal!

Cant Help you Fix Yourself, But atleast I can say I tried

Warning:
I'm in a bitching mood so either sit back and read or walk away now.

I know you've become accustomed to the pleasant smile I put on 24/7, but today I'm gonna show you another side. There's been alot bothering me lately and I don't give a shit who reads this, I'm gonna let it all blow up. First on the FOAD list is the ever famous ex- husband. Despite what he may think, child support orders are not created as a means of disciplining bad parents. They are created to force your MF ass to actively participate in the financial burdens of raising the kids you've helped create. I never once called your ass to complain about not having money, instead I went and made it. Hello, dumb ass?! You don't get a job by sitting on your ass all day watching porn. Don't ask me to feel sorry for you now, when you didn't care when we were without a home. Oh and not calling your kids cause you feel bad about not being able to send them something on their birthday, Is a viscous cycle that'll bite you in the ass buddy.

Sigh... OK, next!

WTF is wrong with guys? I don't answer my phone when you call nor do I return your phone calls. Doesn't that tell you I'm not interested in speaking with your dumb ass?! Please stop calling and sending txt messages before I send my people on ya!

After sitting and re-reading that last line I've decided to stop calling Smiley. I've gotta follow my own advice. We're likely to be stuck together in the future with him being my partner and all but I'm not gonna be chasing you down to make sure your not huddled over in the corner crying somewhere anymore. I can help with your emotional needs, but your physical ones have to be addressed by one of the docs I've pointed you towards. I cant help you fix yourself, but atleast I can say I tried. Once again, sitting on the computer watching porn will not make your problems disappear. Gheez guys c'mon.

Then there's the ever popular myspace drama. I don't want your man, I leave him comments because were friends, and friends say hello to each other every once in a while. If your questioning his heart, ask him not me.

Then of course there's the ever popular work drama. I'm seriously considering getting out of EMS. Not because of the physical or emotional stress, but because of all the Extra Marital Sex. It's sickening! Seriously, I think I'm gonna recommend to our employee health nurse that in addition to our annual drug testing, they add an STD screening. **Ugh**

OK, I'm grossed out now but feel better having released all that tension. If you've read this far into it thanks, I owe you a bitching session.

Peace, Love & all that other Good Shit!

Go Giants

Taking a break from saving the world to report that the Giants have won!!!
We certainly left some heads spinning.

Well Bro,

there's always next year!

OMG WTF?!

Last night I did the unthinkable, I went on a coffee date with an old friend. I'd like to say that it was wonderful and exciting and everything I'd hoped it would be. But the truth is I didn't expect anything other than two friends sitting and chatting. Honestly I'm quite distracted right now and still satisfied with Fridays surprise. But I still agreed to meet up.

So how'd it go? It was horrible. I can honestly say that last night was a disaster. It started with him being over three hours late which he blamed on accidentally falling asleep. Then us going to dunkin for coffee only to discover that it was closed due to an apparent robbery just prior to our arrival. So we went to a diner and sat, talked, sat some more and dude f*cking fell asleep. Picture this if you will... a 6'2" 400 lb puerto rican with bleached blonde hair sitting across from me snoring while I secretly wonder if I could walk back home from where we were.

Ugh... It was so bad. But thankfully it ended quickly. I climbed into bed still sore from Friday's adventure and began to think some more. My straight dawg would be happy to know I was good.
I'm an avid music person, as is he, but every song reminds me of something or some memory... I find myself holding back from tuning into the radio attempting to avoid the reality of my emotions. F*ck it today I'm gonna let it all loose and shake my ass with some music while I clean the house... If it makes me pause to think about him, then so what?!

I'd better hurry though so I can catch the game before work. TTYL!

Reason, Season or a Lifetime?

People come into our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need then to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die, Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. BELIEVE IT!!!! It is real!! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those you should build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway), and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

~Author Unknown~

Technical Difficulties

I know I really should be asleep right now. Its 11:00am which is probably the equivalent of 2:00am for those normal people that work 9-5 jobs and sleep at night. My typical morning consists of sending the kids off to school and quickly running home to bed. This morning however, I'm rather disturbed by what appears to be a misunderstanding between Nick and I and cant fall asleep. So what do I do to help clear my head? I blog!

K, see this morning Nick and I were sending text messages back and forth while I was busy with the kids. Looking back now I realize the argument was kinda stupid. I know I didn't do what I was accused of, but thats not what disturbs me. What's more disturbing is how long it took him to believe that I was telling the truth. I guess for our first disagreement, It went pretty well. It just bothers me that someone feels I have a reason to be dishonest with them. Hopefully I'll get to see him later and we'll discuss this a bit further.

Kicking Ass, NY style

Growing up my Dad and I never missed a sunday or monday night football game. I'd curl up and take over his bed, placing a small wager on the game... with the exception of the Giants, the only team we both favor. If your not a big football person, just know that the Giants haven't won a playoff game since 2001.

If you ask me some areas of Florida are nothing more than warmer versions of NYC, with a fairly large percent of the population migrating from here. So It comes as no surprise that a play-off game between the NY Giants and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers would turn out a rather large crowd. Despite all their efforts however, they were unsuccessful in keeping the spirit of NY from steeling their sunshine!



Stay tuned for next week when we gang up on my brother and kick some Cowboy ass!

With Every Kiss & Every Hug

Music really means alot to me. Whether I'm just cleaning the house and need something to shake my ass to or just wanna lay in bed and cry, I always seem to find the right song to invoke my emotions.

Break it Down

Ok I know your probably eager to hear what the hell happened. On Dec 30th I had an awkward dream. I dreamt that for whatever reason I was once again in the hospital. On the eve of Dec 31st I began to feel short of breath and after some coaching and yelling I was convinced to go to the ER. I knew what was wrong, but was still in denial.

If you wanna do a little research about Pulmonary Embolism's your more than welcome to. But the awful reality of it is that if left untreated, approximately one third of patients who survive an initial PE die of a future embolic episode. I was treated thankfully, and having the support network I do to call me and send me text messages threatening to kick my ass if I don't go, is what I credit for saving me. The main focus of my doctors now has turned to finding the cause of all these embolism's rather than just treating them.

Pulmonary Embolism's aren't a disease in and of themselves. Rather, it is an often fatal complication of another underlying condition. Since I haven't been immobilized for an extended period of time its pretty safe to assume that there's something congenital causing these suckers. Over the next few weeks I will be feeding the blood thirsty vampires and injected with contrast that'll make me illuminate in the dark in an attempt to find the underlying cause of all this crap.

Oddly enough, I specifically requested New Years eve off so I could enjoy myself and not have to be stuck waiting in triage with some drunk who fell down. Instead... I was beside the drunks waving at my fellow colleagues bringing 'em in.

How do you go on? How do you kiss your loved ones goodnight not knowing if this will be goodbye?

Not A Good Start

I really don't know what to say... although I'm full of thoughts. The last thing I wanted to do was bring in the New Year alone in the hospital, but after three long & lonely days I'm just glad to be home.

Dreams

Ever have a dream that stayed in your thoughts all day? Last night I had a rather awkward one that's caused some confusion on my part. It started out with me in an ER. I don't believe I was there initially as a patient, I believe I was there bringing one in, but soon there after I became one. I seemed a bit short of breath and was experiencing palpitations. The doctor convinced me to have an EKG performed which revealed I was in SVT with a heart rate of 233. Soon I was undressed and being prepped for a dose of adenosine. The drugs successfully reset my rate to a normal rhythm.

Afterwards I remember having to call home and being upset about having to tell Gabby that mommy wouldnt be coming home tonight, a ritual that time after time brought tears to my eyes. Distraught and upset I returned to my hospital bed. It was there that the most surprising thing of all happened. I was consoled by a good friend who's loved me all along, I was just too damn blind to see it. I knew him to be a good friend although I didn't see his face in the dream... only a mustard yellow colored wrinkled shirt that dried my tears. It felt so good to be in his arms, but who was it?

I've got an idea. I'll try-out hugs with every friend I have (like prince charming and his glass slipper in search for cinderella) until I find my true love.

All or Nothing in '08

With 2008 creeping up on us, I decided to begin to think about my resolutions. In doing so I've come up with the theme of All or Nothing. I don't want someone who meets my emotional needs, and another who meets my sexual... I want it all or nothing. I want a partner not just a lover or a friend. If you cant meet the demands, then please refrain from applying.

Dear Santa

Thanks for all the wonderful memories I have of you as a child. As an adult now, I'm not asking for a beautiful doll or a super fast race car... Nothing that your elves would be able to make themselves. Instead I'd like you to gather the support of all your other magical friends and spread some joy this holiday season.

It's no secret that this has been the toughest year thus far for me. In an instant, everything I've done and all I've lived for made no difference as my life lay in the hands of strangers. Nonetheless I've made it through. I will never again take this life for granted. I will live, love and laugh often.

What I ask of you tonight is that you please send some of the same magic to the ones I love. Send the power to overcome their battles. For Nick, I wish for him happiness. After so many years of sacrifice, he deserves to be happy too... even if it means no more sharing beef w broccoli. For Smiley, I ask that you help him realize that some things are beyond our control. Help him learn to accept them and not let them overpower every decision he makes. Take chances, even if it means we may fall on our face. For 'Nena to realize that marriage is a union of two souls... yes including your bank accounts!
For GI JOE, I want the biggest bubble custom made to keep him safe in Iraq, being equipped with AIM and Myspace would be a much appreciated feature too. As a matter of fact, lets make that a double order, one for the Moore's too. Keep their families safe until Daddy returns!

I could go on and on with this list, but I know you have some work to do, so lets just agree to keep the lines of communication open between us, k?! Merry Christmas and have a safe trip spreading your love and joy to children around the world!

Random Babblings

Apparently I had nothing to fear at work. What's my punishment? I get to train a few new employees. I suppose I'm doing a good job then, huh?!

On a side note, Smileys ignoring my calls and I really couldn't care less. Nick's probably in Atlanta... at least I hope so. Even with the less than ideal situation at home, enduring Christmas without his kids would be devastating for him. I really hope he finds happiness, he deserves it for all he does.

Remember Beachboy? He made a special appearance at our companies Christmas party. It was great to see him again, but if what I read is true then there wont be anymore surprise run-ins. Guess we wont be doing standbys in New Rochelle again anytime soon.

Mental Heath Holiday

In life we make choices of our own choosing. The reasoning for these choices is usually something simple or maybe instinct. We do it because somewhere along the line we thought it was the better option. Apparently my decision making skills are now too being questioned.

After barely surviving through the night from hell and having my partner taken out with chest pains after dealing with a fraction of my daily drama, I left with the decision not to come back. I decided that after an 80 hr work-streak, I was well over due for a mental health holiday. After coming home and sending the kids off to school I check my emails and apparently some shit- heads don't agree with how I handled a few situations. The first was quite simple, an Nursing Home patient was being sent out to the ER with complaints of fever of 101.0. When we arrive, no signs of abnormal temp, no distress however has some neck pain. The patient was already receiving oxygen per her DR's orders at 2 liters. My quality control director now questions why I didn't increase her oxygen intake? Well quite simply, she wasn't in any apparent distress, no complaints of difficulty breathing and in her case as all other patients with COPD, by increasing her blood oxygen levels I'd be decreasing her co2 levels and thus interrupting her hypoxic drive possibly causing more harm than good. What the number one rule of EMS? Do No Harm! Excuse me for knowing more than my scope of practice expects me to. ...But I'll smile and nod my head.

The next incident was a bit more serious and complicated. A burn patient lay in the burn unit of a nearby hospital. With his outcome not looking so great, it was decided to hurry and send him to a neighboring hospital's cath lab for quick harboring of his organs for possible donation. Problem is... every minute counts. As requested I sent my closest paramedics whom later call to advise me that their ventilator wasn't functioning. Given the circumstances, my options were to either send another crew whom was standing by, not on a call, or let the patient die because of our failed equipment. Of course I sent the neighboring unit.

Remember this is my life we're talking about here, k. So what do you think happened next. Someone in the area that the crew should've been covering was having a massive heart attack and needed to get to a cath lab too. I did however have a backup plan and sent a crew that took a but longer than the Dr would've liked, but thankfully the patient made it.

Needless to say tomorrow with be an interesting day as I kiss ass and insist that I'll try to think more like the people telling me what to do, though they've never performed my job function in their life. But hey their my superiors and I need to respect their dumb asses.

If it weren't for Nick, my mental health day would've been a total waste. I know he may not believe it or see it in comparison with his own problems, but he really does help me more than he'll ever know.

Overload

Sometimes it feels like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm never comfortable with the idea of watching helplessly as my loved ones endure their own battles. I try to, at the very least, lift some of their weight. The problem now though, is the heightened stress is beginning to take its toll on my own well being. I've been feeling some PVC's and other not so welcomed symptoms. How do I find the right balance before I'm forced to return to the cath lab?

Always Good

First off let me say, I'm feeling like shit. I seriously hope no one has to rely on me to save their life tonight. I'm too sore and extremely exhausted!

Your probably wondering how the party went. Was it the event of the year? Not exactly. Remember this is my life, so here's how it went... due to emergency repairs and a gas main break I had no hot water to bathe with and had to shave with hot water boiled from the stove. After more than two hours prepping and stumbling to my car in my stiletto heel's, I was finally ready to roll. Within an hour or so of my arrival I was already feeling pretty good and ready to party.

To make a long story short, I drank, I danced and drank some more. The party was really nothing more than a night out with the gang. Nothing magical of mention.

The after party with Nick however... was what made my night special. I finally got the story behind the drunk dialing incident and got to spend some well overdue time with him. Being with Nick and rockin' with Chris Brown and the Backstreet boys till dawn... C'mon who else could I do that with?! But seriously, I may not remember a whole lot about my evening, but I'll always remember the way I felt in his arms and the promises that were made.


... me, I'm always good! And after reminiscing, could go for a nice serving of beef w broccoli!

Party?

Tonight I'll be attending the annual Christmas party at work. I dont really get to go out and do grown up things, so this is kinda a big deal to me. Got a new outfit and hair done... the whole nine yards. I wish I had someone to share it with though. Last year I took a date and felt obligated to stay with him all night. This year I wanted to enjoy myself with my co-workers and I all getting drunk and stupid so I decided to go solo. However I think it back fired on me. I really don't know many cool people that'll be coming. Smiley will be working, Ang is too! Will there be any cool people left?

I guess I'll have to wait and see!

Dork

What is it about love that makes you act like a total dork?

I'll admit, I'm the biggest dork of em all. From spilled glasses of wine, to tripping on the dance floor. From awkward quiet moments to awesome high fives, I'm the reigning Queen of Dorkville. I'll even be the first to make fun.

Last night my partner and I stayed in the office hung Christmas lights around the office and watched movies. One the them being Good Luck Chuck . It was pretty hilarious to see a character much like myself and being able to laugh about it. Good Luck Chuck fed my need for a romantic tale and his need for a comedy. Then I began to wonder, why cant I have that too?!

In Good Luck Chuck, Charlie is viewed as a good luck charm. The guy who gets all the girls but can never honestly say he'd fallen in love with them. One girl however changed all of that. He suddenly finds himself an honorary member of the dorks in love tribe. I wont kill the movie for you, but I will say... I'm totally feeling my dork meter raising!

Key to What?!

K, I'm cheating today. I know I owe you a real post, but this poll just has me sooo pissed:

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is high. You can't resist desire and lust. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

WTF?! I totally disagree with this crap! I am not afraid of marriage. True I do want a lasting relationship, but cheating. Me? Are you serious, FOAD blogthings post crapper!

You mean to tell me, by answering 10 multiple choice questions about animals you can determine all that about me?! Hmm... nice try.



K, now I kinda feel like an ass. After proof reading and sitting here with my cursor on submit... I realize that this damn thing may be partially right. I did tell someone just the other day that my ideal relationship would be a live-in-boyfriend kinda thing. That I was screwed with marriage before and wouldn't jump into it too fast again. But I'm still strongly against the cheating part. I'm good at resisting desire and lust, just ask all the guys I send to voicemail!

200th

Wow can you believe it, I've posted 200 blogs to date?!

Why'd I start? I accidentally came across NYCWD's blog one day. I must say I was rather surprised to read that he actually had a personality. The guy I saw sitting across from me everyday, screaming at me for doing things the less favored way, actually had a soft side. The more I read, the more I liked. Then I began to wonder... Would I better cope with the stresses of the day if I began to blog?

Blogging was fairly new to me. I've written in personal journals before and after the 3rd or 4th entry lost interest in it, but for some reason this blog has stayed strong for nearly two years now. I've had alot happen to me in that time. Had it not been for my blog... I'd probably be in the "G" building with padded walls.

So a special thanks to NYCWD for inspiring me to bitch about everyone and everything that pisses me off, so I can remain the peaceful redhead who nods and smiles at the world then later throws them into my word bank. Special thanks to the few people who have for whatever reason actually find my blog entertaining. It's like finding your sister's diary, isn't it?!
And finally a special thanks to blogger for keeping my shit up here for the world to read and keeping me interested in more than just my usual 3 or 4 entries.

Drunk Dialing

It's 6:45 am and I'm suddenly awoken by my ringing cell phone. I was reluctant to answer, besides not recognizing the telephone number I told myself that if the person on the other end really knew me, they'd know I should be sleeping. So... I let it go to voicemail.

10 minutes later the annoying dinger alerts me to let me know I have a new message. Here's how it went:

Nick: Hey Lisa its Nick. Whats up?
Guy #1: No Answer?
Nick: I'm returning your call. Yo, I'm here at my boys house and uh, we're inviting you over to like chill and stuff. It's uhh (speech slurring)
Guy #1: (in background shouting) 6:45.
Nick: Yeah it's 6:45. Call me when you get this message ok? So we can uhh chill and hang out at my boys house, k?


...Here's when it really gets interesting:

Nick thinks he ended the call, little did he know... Its still recording.


(in the back)

Nick: Yo man this shits really getting to me.
Guy#2: Yeah ya think?!
Nick: What the F*ck did you put in my drink?
Guy#1: Yo anyone got one for Al?
Nick: Yo I'm gonna try my chick Lisa. I'm gonna try my chick. I'm tired of you being the F*cking super hero!
Guy#1: I can get in my car and go to the airport.
Nick: No I'm gonna try Lisa. Here call her back. (hands guy #1 phone)
Guy#1: Yo she's on the phone.
Nick: What? (takes phone back). Lisa, Lisa are you there? (to guy#1) She's not there.
Guy#1: She must've called back.
Nick: Call her I dont give a F*ck.

...click.



Uhh.. did he tell someone I was his chick?! Aww

Of course I never called back. Who knows what the hell was going through their heads. I really would've liked to have taken advantage of him and seen what he was offering. There's nothing better than hot sloppy drunken sex :P
I didn't though, I just wanted to know he made it home safe after all that.