Keep the Cool

I'd like to imagine that I'm a pretty cool person. Probably one of the best friends you'll ever have. But please don't take my friendly gesture for more than it really is. If I invite you into the crazy life I lead and to come along on a few outings, it doesn't mean I'm interested in being with you romantically. Truth is, I don't like being alone.

After the fall of my relationship with smiley, I chose to change partners. Like shoes, I tried on a few until I found someone that I'd feel comfortable spending my long nights with. First there was Ingrid, whom was fun at first but chasing down the scum guys got old quick. Then there were a few that just didn't know what they heck they were doing causing me to fear for my patients and even my own safety. Finally I tried on Jes' for size. How cool is a partner that watches porn while saving lives? I thought for sure we'd get along well.

Jes' is a 50 something yr old gentleman that is happily married and has kids my age. I didn't feel that he could possibly cause any kind of strain on my relationship (or whatever It was) with Nick. Jes' soon showed up everywhere though, seriously... everywhere! He started calling me all the time showing up with tennis raquet in hand, just always trying to get me to spend time off the clock with him. Fearing any unnecessary complications, I dropped him as a partner. We're still cool, but just don't want him to get the wrong idea.

Then I get this pic this morning....


Dude got a tattoo to match mine! Says he's always loved angels and is just happy to have one in his life. I felt the same once too, but now... I wish my angel were here to protect me from this crazed psycho. I know Nick will never read this, but I hope he knows just how much I miss my Angel.

It'll get Better in Time

I've been doing alot of thinking lately. It's been 7 days since I've heard from Nick. Alot has happened in that time, including his surgery. He must know I've gotta be worried sick about him, but yet somethings keeping him from calling me. The first 2 or 3 days I kinda learned with experience that he'd be busy catching up, but with 4, 5, 6 and now day 7 approaching my concern has turned to anger.

I was doing some thinking and couldn't think of any decent excuse for the lack of contact. The situation got worse when my text messages were returned to me after being timed out from being undeliverable. Every time I heard the phone ring I'd hope it was him on the other end... but it wasn't.

So how am I dealing? I spent the entire week alone cleaning and thinking. Avoiding phone calls from guys that've been trying hard to be in my life, while I push them away. Why? Because I see something in Nick that I've never seen before in a guy. Sure I've had some with a few things going for them, but they could never equal the total package I got with Nick.

Then I got to thinking about my tarot reading the other day. One thing that really stood out was her saying that he has no obligation to make me happy, nor would he want to. ..Only I can create my happiness.

She was absolutely right. I've spent my days thinking about what I could do to make others happy, but how much have I really done for myself?

Oops

Ever wish you could go back in time and fix something you wish you hadn't done? Something totally stupid, totally careless?

I did!

I thought it would be cool to try out a darker shade of red....







Turned out it wasn't as cool as I thought. So I undid it. Thank God for a product that removes hair color if your unhappy with it. It washes away the color and reveals your natural hair color.





I'm happy with being au naturale! Lesson learned!

Doin' Me

While I cant control everything or everyone, I can control my choices. I've wanted to do some things for quite some time, and kept putting it off because of the dangers involved. But I've decided I've gotta "do me" right now.

Read Between the Cards

For weeks now a co-worker has been trying to convince me to allow her to practice her tarot reading skills on me. Granted I'm not really convinced that by reading a few strategically placed cards, you can tell me what the future holds for me. Nonetheless I still agreed. At the very least it should be entertaining.

So what did it say?

Well it starts off with you making a wish. What did I wish for? I cant tell you, not because it would be bad luck, but because... at that moment I couldn't think of just one thing I wanted. If nothing else it would be clarification, reassurance and happiness, even if it meant having to let go. I didn't wish to have him, but rather for him to have.

According to the cards, I must remain afloat while things fall into place, not rely on someone else to make me happy and most of all... I must trust. I cant worry about falling on my face, and if I do I must simply brush myself off and keep moving. See this is a major issue for me right now. The cards kinda contradicted themselves in one saying that I should remove my virtual veil and see things for what they are too. If that's so, then I can only see...

...I don't wanna go here right now. I just don't know if I can trust knowing what I've seen. Though according to the reading I must learn to. If anything, brush off and keep on. Right?!

Gonna Smile

You probably already know how much I love music. Take a look at my playlists and you'll see just how varied my taste is. Take a further look into the lyrics of my favorite songs and you'll see why I hold them close to my heart.

Today, Leona Lewis inspired me with a quote from her song "Better in Time" that's forced me to re-evaluate my current situation. Maybe instead of waiting patiently for something that was never really mine to begin with, I should simply see it for what its worth.

"Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile because I deserve to" ~ Leona Lewis - Better in time.

Monsoon Brewing

Did someone forget to tell me it was monsoon season?

I don't know maybe its just me, or maybe its just reminiscent of the storm brewing inside of me, but hasn't it rained everyday this week?! Not even just regular raining either... Power lines down, flash flooding and all.

Wanna know what I think? I think its symbolic of the storm brewing inside of me. Think I'm crazy? Your probably right! But I'm not alone. Throughout history various prominent writers have used rain as a symbolic reference to starting anew. Rain during a wedding for example wouldn't be viewed as a bad thing because it would symbolize their joining in marriage and starting a new life together. When the same wife is later laying in front of the corpse of her dead husband, the rain could then symbolize her freedom from years of marital abuse.

Ok, let me stop here. Just wanted to bring up the irony of the friggin monsoon season and my own struggle for happiness right now.

Good night Y'all!

Argh

Ugh.... some fucktard just cursed me out because I don't wanna send someone to take him for his narcotic fix. Dude goes to a different hospital every day, complains of back pain but is well enough to walk onto our bus. Why? I don't know. Maybe the excitement, maybe the buzz. Normally I don't care, take his call and send someone for his sorry ass. Tonight though since he felt the desire to call me all kinds of profanities, that same ass is where he'll sit and suffer.

...Dude's got me ready to bring out the green beast in me!

Counting up my losses

So whats new? Well lets see... Ya win some and ya lose some, right?

Well, while I should be thrilled about getting my place, I'm kinda down about all the other loses.

Nicks gone, my sis is gone and now Ang too will be leaving me :(

Quick Update

Sorry I haven't blogged much lately, not to say there hasn't been much going on. It's just I know my love life cant be all that entertaining to my readers, so I struggle trying to think of something else to write about. Lets see.... Without mentioning Him, what else is going on?

• My new apartment is finally starting to feel like home. The dead cat smell and all the trash is just about gone. Now its time to start moving in!
• I've been working my ass off at work lately. With Spyder being out for the next few weeks, I'll be able to keep from going insane missing my better half and earn some serious cash.
• I've got some pretty awesome F*cking friends. Let me tell you. I'm used to being the one doing the helping, but having everyone pitching in to help means so much to me. I'm really touched. I'm working on a big thank you BBQ for sometime before the summers over.

Gotta get back to work now. Hope you have a good evening!!!

Without You

I'm dying inside. I have this awkward pain that has nothing to do with the food poisoning. Its even worse. Its the pain I feel knowing that in a few days you'll be leaving and may not return.
I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant... I just cant imagine what life would be like without you.




...but I guess thats just the way the story goes!

If this is being Good, I dont wanna see Bad

Ironically just when I decided to follow Nick's advice and take better care of myself, things get messed up at work. With the other dispatchers either out on medical or vacation, I'm stuck helping pick up the slack. What exactly does that entitle me to? It means this week. just like last, I'll be working 72 hours.

Yesterday was my only day off and although I tried to turn Mom down nicely, I still got stuck driving her 3 hours away to NJ again, and another long dangerous 3 hours back. Usually when I get sleepy on road trips I "bug-out" to music on the I-Pod. Last night though, nothing seemed to be working. I just had too much on my mind and every song provoked an emotion. I pulled over, took a power nap and keep going till we crashed at the new house. The girls were excited to do that at the least.

Today we woke up and got to working right away, fixing up the girls room and the living room. In the end we did quite well... if you don't count Gabby, Mark and I getting food poisoning.

Self-less

A great, wonderful and wise man brought to my attention that I'm not good at being good to myself. I go days without sleep. Say yes to friends, family and co-workers more than I really should. Forget to take my medicine from time to time, and occasionally skip out on doctors appointments. Why? I'm not sure I know the answer to that.

Sometimes we need to shut up and appreciate someone else's input. When I'm called to a residence for an emergency, its my duty to observe for any signs of abuse or neglect of my patients and report it to the appropriate persons. So why cant I recognize the same for myself?

Your absolutely right. I'm being self-less.

I got it. Now what?

Its official, I have my own place again. I should be excited about it, but to be honest its still kinda surreal. Maybe I'll feel different once I actually get to spend more than 2 hours in it, but my new apartment just doesn't do it for me.

I've got lots of cleaning and stuff to do to make it feel like home, but I'm just not feeling it right now. Why did I want this? So I could have my own space, give the kids their own, or was it because I was hoping it would help my love life? The truth is, my motivation was pretty lame. Now here I am with an apartment I'll never be in, because he cant be. The way I see it though is the next few months will either make us, or break us.

More on this subject later....

Memories

Dear Dad,

It's been three months since the day you left suddenly without saying goodbye. 90 days since we've laughed together... Lord knows not many people get our crazy sense of humor. 2160 hours since I realized you'll never again answer the phone when it rings. 129,600 minutes and 10,368,000 heartbeats, and not a single one allowing me to forget how much I love you.

I love you dad. I miss you more than anything else in the world. Not a day goes by that I don't accidentally walk in your room to ask what you'd like me to cook for dinner. If there's anything you need or want. Not a single day since I catch myself wanting to call the house and ask you for help finding directions when I'm lost.

Dad, I wish I knew what to do to make the pain go away. I know you wouldn't want to see me hurting. You've done everything in the world to keep me and the family happy and I'm forever grateful for the wonderful memories I have of us together.

You taught me to be a brave little girl, surrounding me with truck drivers instead of Barbies. Congratulated me when I did a good job, and offered support when I didn't. I know it broke your heart when I didn't go to college in Texas like we dreamed I would, you even supported me though the rest of the family frowned upon my decisions.

Dad, there will never be another man in my life that means what you mean to me. I love you Daddy! See you soon!

BRB

Busy packing... get back to you later!

Amazing

I had an AMAZING day today. Not even a monsoon could stand in our way. I'm really tired and not feeling like I have it in me to make a decent post tonight, but I didn't want you to think I was neglecting you. So lets do the random bullet thingy to recap:

• Work sucks, the new manager is all up my ass. Although I refused to accept the white shirt, they still manage to drop the duties on my lap. Rather than respond immediately to his ignorant emails, I took some time to really think it over and decided to stay where I'm at. I've just got too much going on right now to tell them to take it up the ass.
• In less than a week I'll have a new place to lay my head. To be honest though, I'm kinda nervous. I've never really stayed home alone, this may take some time to get used to.
  
• Oh the bracelet Ang got me, wishing me luck in the love department proved to be freakishly in tune with me. I don't really believe in that sort of stuff, but hey it's fun to imagine sometimes. Nick told me he loved me. I'd like to imagine that it wasn't just the alcohol talking for him, but deep inside I know we've both got each others names tattooed on our asses.
  

Ok I'd better stop here before I keep running on. I'm gonna get in the shower, wash my cookie, have some "therapy" and call it a night. See Ya!

Beautiful Story

I've been doing alot of thinking lately. Probably too much, but that's just how I am. Anyway, in 22 days I'll be saying goodbye to Nick. He'll be going back home for a few months with the possibility of accepting a permanent position in Atlanta. I'm not so sure how I feel about that though. Actually I know for sure how I feel about that. I know I'm not very good at saying goodbye, especially when I don't wanna say it.

It's hard to remember what life was like before the day a stranger left a note on my car. Before I looked for GA license plates when parking every morning. Before I found someone who gets my wacky personality... before I learned to love again.

Looking back now, its a beautiful story filled with lots of emails that brings tears to my eyes. But I cant help but wonder, could this be the final chapter? Will this goodbye be our final?

If you need a hug, I've got plenty of them in
storage... and If you need some beef w broccoli, theres plenty more where that came from too! So smile and appreciate the good moments... before we know it the kids will be all grown up into the responsible adults we've expected them to be and we'll be the two old people still trying to get it on in the stairs at the senior center!

Beautiful Disaster

I love how music has the ability to strike a chord within our hearts. How you can take an ordinary old song and suddenly find that it says everything you need, even today.

Would it be beautiful, or just a beautiful disaster?

Puzzled

Sometimes you hold so tight, it slips right through your hands. On the other hand, sometimes you keep from holding too tight and suddenly find when its time to let go, you just cant.

I cant pinpoint the day I realized or even what triggered it, but I know deep down inside there's no denying it. Your words replay themselves in my mind, offering entertainment and encouragement. When others ask whats the deal with the two of us, I simply smile and tell them I don't know, but I love it. Like two pieces of a puzzle, we just fit.

Exciting Night with the Lesb

Tonight I'm gonna go where I swore I'd never go. I'm going to work in Westchester tonight with Deb the Lesb. When I starting working in dispatch 2 years ago I was warned about Deb and her nasty attitude. The other guys in dispatch seriously had issues with her and often sought disciplinary action against her. When I came in however, many things soon began to change. Deb soon thereafter named me "gentle voice" and would do everything asked of her. She'd even surprise me often making the drive to Brooklyn to deliver me coffee, my crack. Not very long after that when she learned I was single, she asked me out. Of course I declined. I'm strictly dickly Deb, sorry.
Two years later, she's finally stepped it down. Only every so often will she offer to "wine me and dine me like a woman deserves".

Anyway Deb's regular partner recently resigned and no one else is willing to work with her. So they asked me. I'm actually excited though. See Deb's part of our pediatric response team. There's a few awesome hospitals in the area that consider patient care their #1 priority and will even go as far as transferring them to a specialized hospital rather than use them as their own learning experience. In my opinion, being able to admit that another doctor may be able to better treat your child's illness shows a great deal of humanism.

So, while I may have to put up with being hit on all night, which is nothing new, I'll have the opportunity to really learn something tonight...to be challenged, and that excites me!

No Thanks

I just don't get it. Seriously WTF is wrong with people?! You cant say its just guys cause some woman are just as guilty. K, It's no secret my job is stressful. Being able to tell mom and dad that their son isn't gonna make it, or even worse, lying to their face to give them false hope seriously gets to you sometimes. People like me who wake up and still continue to put on the uniform deserve some respect. What we don't deserve is to have to put up with the bad morale that some of our co-workers pack along in their bags.

I wont go into the specifics of the situation that made me mad tonight, but I come to work for many reasons. Amongst them: it pays the bills, I enjoy what I do and have a great deal of pride in my work. What I don't appreciate is the bad morale. You'd swear they sprinkle some aphrodisiac powder in our tech bags! I've learned my lesson and wont be re-visiting that place again.

Yup Yup

Do you really miss me that much when I dont blog?!

Ok now brace yourself... you may find this hard to believe, but its true. Accept it for what it is. My name is Lisa, and I. I.... I'm a dork!

Yes its true. Call me cool, call me smart, call me whatever the hell you wanna... but I prefer to call myself a dork.

If you tell me there's something bothering you, I'll try to fix it. If you tell me I'm bothering you... I'll probably take you by the hands and make you shake that ass with me anyway till we both collapse from having a good time. Life's too short to consume yourself with things that don't make you happy! C'mon shake that bon bon :P

Trip down memory lane.

Been a really busy week... been away with Ang and the girls upstate, now packing the car for a trip with Mom to South Jersey to visit some relatives that'll prove to my kids that granny really is a redneck.

Gonna also make it a point to stop at some places Dad and I shared when times were better, particularly Seaside Heights. If I still have any energy tonight, I'll try to post some old family pics.

See ya!!

Doomsday

So here I am sitting in my workstation when I hear my phone alert me to a new text message from Nick. Without even looking at the message some how I knew there was something wrong. I feel his pain. I know when he's upset just as he does me, even though I deny it.

The massage was to tell me that he was gonna be shutting his phone off for a while. Nick's been coping the past few months by being withrawn, not returning calls and not really letting anyone else in to see the battle he's been fighting.

Ang was browsing a website today for her own inspiration and came along this article:

When he makes the move to separate from his wife, and physically
removes himself from his house, his own emotional rollercoaster truly begins.
It's as if all of the emotions he has kept under control during the time of lies
and deceit overtake him.

He
will feel deeply depressed. He will feel a great amount of guilt for hurting his
wife (and children if he has any), and will feel a deep sense of failure as a
husband and a father.
He will wonder if he has made the right choice.
He will wonder if he knows what love means, or if he is out of his mind.
He will be petrified at the thought of losing his money in the
divorce, and he will be petrified at the thought of losing the love of his
children.
He will want his wife to understand why he is doing this. He
will want her approval. He will want her blessings. He will want to know if she
will be OK.
If she does not know about you, he will want to keep you
very hidden, especially now, until the terms of the divorce are final.
He will want to appease her.
He will be completely consumed
with himself. He will be obsessed with his marriage and divorce, and obsessed
with the question, "Am I doing the right thing?"
He may wonder if he
loves you. He may love you passionately and wholeheartedly. He may wonder what
he is doing with you. He may wonder how he lived without you. He may wonder if
he hasnt made the biggest mistake of his existence. He may not really, truly
know the answer.
He will need you to comfort him. He will need you to
give him space. He will need you to tell him you love him. He will need you to
go away. He will need you to call him. He will need you to not call him. He will
need you to make love. He will need you to not make love.

In
time, and nobody knows how much time for any individual man, he will either
settle into his new life without his wife and family, or he will not.
There are far too many stories of men who, after moving in
with the other woman go back.

Your job
during all of this is to protect yourself from his stress. It is all too easy to
want to take care of him and lessen his pain and confusion, but the stress of
his rollercoaster can really cause you emotional and physical harm.
It is
important to remember that now more than ever, he cannot be there for you. He is
too confused and hurting to have anything to give to you.

Nobody can truly predict if he will stay "left" or if he will go
back. It is a catch -22 for you because your insecurities increase horribly at a
time when he is less able to reassure you that he is really going to divorce for
good.

This
Doomsday Scenario is to serve as a reminder that you must prepare for the chaos
he will be experiencing, and protect yourself as much as possible while it is
happening. It is a reminder that endingstake a long time, and he will need time.

You
need to get very clear on your own needs and boundaries during this time. Do not
be afraid to set rules to protect yourself, even if it feels like those rules
are pushing him away. In the end, whether you two have a happily ever after or
not, your sanity and sense of self-respect is yours alone to cultivate and
nurture.

He can only make you insane and make you feel disrespected
if you let him.

Please remember, it is never OK to sacrifice yourself. It is
always OK to love yourself more than you love him.

Be good
to yourself. OK?

This brief article, just like him, came to me when I needed it the most. It gave me the strength to accept that he needs this right now. His emotional rollercoaster ride is just beggining, I pray that I'll still be here to welcome him when the ride comes to a complete stop and he steps back onto the platform.

Funny how the article ended with "be good" though, huh?!

Bad Dream

I just woke up in tears after having a bed dream. I wanna hurry and write it all down before it escapes my memory.

The dream started as me in class, and being called by my dad in his loud voice much like He did in my high school years advising me I had a phone call. Many people mistook his screaming as him being an ass, when in reality it was because he had to scream that loud to be heard from the bed his disability forced him to spend the entire day in. The person on the other line was a medic from work whom jokingly says "gheez put that man to sleep already".

The next few minutes were kinda strange, but not all that eventful. I began tutoring some troubled kids in math. Before I knew It I was home helping Gabby with homework and briefly stepped away to check on Dad. This is where the pain sets in. Dad looked different, but still gave me the impression it was him. As he peeked his head from under the covers and turned towards me and asked if mom was home yet? I replied no. That's when he says "well I guess I can wait till she gets home to eat dinner... not like I'm going anywhere anytime soon".
I looked into his gray eyes and replied, "but Dad, you died already"! "I cant explain why your here now or what your here for, but... somehow you are". He began laughing as I explained all the details of his death, and my guilt for not being there. My heart cried and I literally felt the pain as I did when I first learned of his death. Suddenly he removed the covers and revealed his small frame...

It wasn't Dad, It was some devil-like figure that sought to tease me. My heart hurts so much right now. I cant do this. I thought I could be a strong little girl like Daddy taught me, but I just cant. I'm sitting on his computer typing this, in his seat... but I need Him.

While Dad couldn't teach me to ride my bike, drive a car or even walk me down the aisle at my wedding. He did teach me one thing, he taught me how to hide my tears and my weakness from the world. I'm supposed to be at work shortly, prepared to save the lives of others. Ready for anything and everything that's thrown my way, when in reality I feel like the one who needs to be saved.

Conscience Working Overtime Again

I was getting in the shower tonight, which always prompts questioning from the kids. Like my little gate keeper, Gabby asks: "Where you going mom?"

I replied that I was getting ready to take a friend to the airport then going to work.

Then she says, "but its summer now, I thought parents have to stay home and spend time with their kids when schools out?"

Ahh, the joys of parenthood!

So, me being me, I felt guilty. Lucky for me I'm working in the office tonight... with the help of my little assistant.

I'm Going Back

...Guess I've made up my mind.

Dear Lisa,

Thank you for completing your application to The City University of New York....

I Wanna Live

Ever hear something and take it totally out of context?

Today I was supposed to take the kids fishing but instead opted for the theater. Once again, I got stuck working late last night and since the kids waited up for me to get home, they too weren't excited to hear the alarm go off at 6am the first day of their summer. So we agreed to put it off till next week and see the new Disney flick Wall-E.

I'm not gonna sit here and tell you how watching another love story made me sick to my stomach... literally, not a single word about the plants that grow pizza, or even why sex in space is illegal. Instead I'm gonna dwell on a particular quote from one of the characters whom said "I don't wanna survive, I wanna Live!"

How can something so small have such a big impact?! In the case of the movie, the captain of the space ship wanted to return to Earth. In my world though, I'm coming to realize that I've been doing that...surviving. I haven't taken many chances, being especially careful since almost losing my life last year. I know I don't belong here though, not in NYC at least. I know I'm not doing what I was destined to do either, instead I decided to take the practical way out with my world revolving around my kids.

I've done enough surviving, I wanna live!

Right Love, Wrong Time

Remember that dumb survey I did yesterday? There was this one particular quote that I purposely omitted that has me seriously pondering:

Everyone in the dating game has, at one point or another, had nagging questions about whether a certain person is worth their time and energy. The answer depends on what you want and need from the person at that particular time in your life (let’s not forget, when it comes to love, timing is everything).

"When it comes to love timing is everything". I repeat, "When it comes to love timing is everything". That quote can be taken and torn into dozens of interpretations. Wanna know what I think about it?!

I think its totally conceivable that you could find someone with all the traits you look for in a mate. Someone who allows you to be yourself, makes you smile just thinking about him/her, knows just what to say to make the hurt go away. Your best friend, your love... but at the wrong time. He or She may be getting over a failed marriage, or even worse... still in one.

Allow me to rewind for a minute, 4 years ago I lived in Florida. My husband and I had just separated and I was an emotional wreck. One day I met this older gentleman online and discovered he lived in my town. Joe was everything I thought I needed at that moment. He was a family man, financially stable and understood my cheesy jokes. Joe took me to places and made me feel like a queen, but he knew I wasnt over my situation and never made a move on me. If the situation were different, I'm sure we could've had a happy relationship. But the timing was wrong.

I mention this today because I realize no matter how much I try. No matter how certain I am, no matter how much I wish I could be with Nick, the timing for him is just too wrong. I'm his Joe right now, so to speak. Could I accept a good friendship or would I be holding on to false hopes?

While I may be uncertain about our future, I know one thing is certain. I just cant seem to see my life without him.

Damn Surveys

Ever do one of those online surveys?

I'm not convinced that by answering a hand full of questions you can determine whether I'm wasting my time with my love interest, but here are my results anyway:

Temperamental [T]: He seems to be very sensitive to circumstances within and outside his control. This can make him look noticeably anxious, irritable, preoccupied or sad at times. In fact, you may find that he overindulges in activities like gambling or drinking to help cope with stress. He may even complain of feelings of panic, isolation or feeling overwhelmed during times of stress or conflict. During these periods, you can also expect him to come across at times as somewhat pessimistic, self-absorbed or entitled.

Be aware that a temperamental love interest often causes women to breakup for reasons related to arguments about him making few or no sacrifices in the relationship. Instead, the women seem to make the significant sacrifices. Therefore, as the relationship progresses it’s crucial to explore to what extent you’ll have to serve as his “anchor” and whether you’re comfortable with such a role.

Guarded [G]: He seems expressive with physical affection, generally speaking. You can also anticipate that he’ll willingly share his views and feelings – especially when he feels a lack of support from his social circle (family, friends and coworkers). But, it’s probably more difficult for him to sustain deeper levels of reciprocal communication. In other words, he may very well disappoint you when it comes to talking about your own thoughts, feelings and concerns. Because of this, you may not always feel like a priority around him. Furthermore, there’s a risk for becoming an emotional “crutch” to someone like this.

Be aware that a guarded love interest often causes women to breakup for reasons related to feeling ignored or that her partner is disconnected and unconcerned with her needs. This can also spur doubts about his honesty and suitability for a committed relationship. Therefore, as the relationship progresses it’s crucial to explore under what circumstances he’s most communicative and affectionate so you can help to ensure your needs will be heard and met.

So, to put it lightly:

If you’re looking for someone solely for a friendship or casual relationship, then your love interest definitely seems to be a keeper. This person’s tendency to be emotionally distant can be a turn off to some, while desirable for someone preferring a bit of distance. If you’re definitely looking for something committed at the moment, we suggest you look elsewhere.

Click Here take your own test and post your scores. Either leave it in my comments or link me to your blog. Let me know what you think about your own evaluation.

Glow baby Glow

I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow. I made this particular appointment to discuss sending me to have another MRI done. Not only will the MRI leave me radioactive for a few hours but it will also tell me if the embolism in my right lung has dissolved. Honestly I believe it has, breathing has been so much easier. I've been able to slowly re-introduce physical activity without many problems.

The question now though is do I stop taking the blood thinner coumadin? See for as long as I can remember I've had circulatory problems. Being on the coumadin while the PE dissolves protected me from any new life threatening clots. Technically speaking its ok to stop taking it after tests prove the PE is gone. Last year I couldn't wait for the day my doctor would finally tell me I could stop taking the meds that make me bruise as easily as a banana and prevent me from tattooing a crashpad on my ass. However on a night like tonight when I'm having slight pain in the chest or the occasional leg cramps, I realize the dangers that still linger and I realize that my anxiety would keep me from being able to comfortably live with the decision to stop taking the meds.

So I'll still go tomorrow, and still be yelled at for accidentally skipping a few doses, but I just couldn't live with the decision to stop them all together.

Lost Without You

Sometimes its easy to forgot just how important someone is to you until its too late and their gone forever. You rely on them for everything, until one day you mess up and suddenly realize their never coming back.

After making it through the storm (quite literally) my buddy who has slept with me every night since I brought her home and has attached herself to my hip has ended our relationship. Boys and Girls... my pink cell phone has died! She's battled walking in the rain while I call for help, text messaging in the shower, even the water park rides at sixflags recently, but nothing could've saved her from the condensation of my iced coffee sitting next to her while she lay on my desk. Nothing except my clumpsy ass who left her there in harms way.

I'm so lost without her. She holds all my peeps safe and warm. My pictures that I never saved. My videos w nick.

I... I don't know what I'll do without her :(

Recap

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, its been a really busy week for me. Lets quickly recap before I get ready for work.

Monday:
I was able to comfort my angel briefly. Hopefully proving that there's more to us than just good sex and I really do care a whole lot about his well being.

Tuesday:
Had a really busy day at work. Circled Gary who was visiting in the city probably half a dozen times. Gheez now I remember why I dont like doing the city... non stop, without even time to pee and still got stuck working 2 hours late!

Wednesday:
Gary and Ang were finally officially introduced. Their both pretty good people. While I may scare the crap out of you at times Ang, please realize that I wouldnt be trying if I didnt think you'd be good together.


Thursday:
My baby graduated elementary school. It literally brought tears to my eyes to see my baby cross the stage into a young woman. Yikes!
Afterwards we celebrated by going to Six Flags. Screamed a bit, got soaked and took home some pretty cool prizes.

Friday:
Doing all the stuff around the house I should've done this week but was too damn busy to.

Gotta go put the clothes in the dryer and start getting ready for work. Good night Y'all!!!

Father's First

I want to begin by wishing all the Dad's a very happy Fathers Day. I know its been said plenty of times that anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad, I cant help but agree though. Not everyone realizes that relationships take consistent work and effort, not only in the love department but in the parenting as well.

Although its been 6 weeks since the passing of my Father, the pain is still as it was the morning I first learned of his sudden death. For the first time this week I realized I wouldn't have a dad to cook breakfast for on Fathers day. That I didn't have a father to shop for, or to simply hug and tell him I love him.

For the first time this father's day I accepted the fact that despite all my grief, daddy's really never coming home. I love you Daddy. Happy First Fathers Day in Heaven!

Angel of Mine

The other day Ang has the nerve to send a text claiming that I was driving her insaine with my music and dancing in traffic. Can you believe it?! I'll be the first to agree though, as did Nick. Until that is, she proved to be even stranger than us with her collection of music. C'mon Ang fess-up. I know you secretly rock with the golden girls and their 80's sitcom songs. I found your CD :P

But one song in particular really stuck with me:



Monica - Angel Of Mine

Bad Day

Ever had a day when seemingly everything that could've gone wrong does? When despite all your efforts, your still stuck with results in which you felt you had very little control over? When something as small as words spoken can create a huge uproar within?

Yeah that sounds about right... except the most bothersome of all is the lack words spoken. I really do miss the old you.

Hopelessly Undecided

A great wise woman just pointed out to me that I'm "hopelessly undecided". I cant help but agree...well kinda.

I've been in NY for nearly 4 years now and still haven't decided if I'm gonna stay. I've been separated from my husband even longer, and just recently realized that I no longer love him. I've applied to colleges here in NY, while applying for employment in 2 other southern states. I'm hopelessly undecided.

Today though, I glanced at the kids that Arriana goes to school with and realized that they're a pretty good group of kids, and have known each other for years. For the most part they'll make the transition to Junior High School quite well without me having to worry about what she'll experience here in NYC. While I'd much rather her be in the south where athletics and manners are more prevalent, I think we'll manage just fine here for a bit longer.

I've also decided that Florida was great and I'd love to go back, but by doing so I'd be taking a very large step back. It would be nearly impossible to continue my education and the drama that living close to the in-laws would create would out weigh any possible good. The only reason I was even considering their particular area was because in all honesty, I'm afraid I cant do this all alone.

While I can save the world, be your best friend and try my damn hardest to be the best mom in the world, the truth is I cant do it without you. I cant trust that everything will be alright. I have to know that If I got admitted in the hospital again that my kids would have someone to pick them up from school. So in my defense I'm justifiably hopelessly undecided.

Pat on the back

I think I've done a pretty good job thus far with my kids. This week my schedule is crammed with graduation events for my eldest daughter Arriana. See I became pregnant with Arriana my senior year of high school. I missed my senior trip, prom and even all the graduation ceremonies, but ask me if I care?! The love I felt when I saw that little girl for the first time can never be relayed in a way to make you understand, and now this week my baby makes the transformation from elementary school student to junior high school.

Arriana started attending school at the young age of only 2. While technically she attended college with me at the age of 18 months, she didn't actually attend her own classes until I began working. I could've left her home with her dad while I worked, but the thought of leaving her home to wander while dad slept and passed the time playing video games was less than ideal for me. Instead I opted to enroll her in a center that began emphasizing the basic foundations of education at an age where most kids weren't even potty trained yet. So it came as no surprise to me that she's excelled in school over the years, receiving several awards along the way. I'm very proud of her accomplishments, I pray that she'll continue to strive for excellence as she enters her years of higher education. While it'll be increasingly difficult to protect her, I know I've given her everything she'll need to continue to make her mama proud. I love you baby! Congratulations!!!

I skip a few days of blogging, and I cant even think of where to begin to catch up. We'll lets start with my last minute mini get away. It was just what I needed, short and sweet.
Oh how sweet it was!

It was nice to finally get a night with him.. an entire night and not have to worry about time, or circumstances. Even better than the coloring though was waking up in the morning and him being the first thing I see. I forgot just how good it felt to be in his arms. Sigh...

Ok I'm too tired to write a decent post. I'll try again tomorrow.

G'night!

Outdoors Fun

Yesterday Ang and I wanted to do something with the kids since they had the day off from school. I convinced her to go to a fav spot of mine rather than a movie. I'm more of an outdoors type while she knows where every mall and fried chicken joint is within a 45 mile radius :P

So, we enjoyed a round of mini golf... which I still cant believe she's never played before, paintball and a few hits in the batting cages. I went there hoping the kids would have fun and to keep from wasting a nice afternoon in the house while I slept. Instead I found relief. Man... hitting them balls felt soo freaking good. I haven't played softball since high school and let me tell you, that shit feels AWESOME! I wonder If I can get away with playing there without the kids and not seem like a dork? Oh well, who gives a shit?! I'm already the worlds greatest dork!


...But then I was reminded this morning why the doctor told me not to play contact sports. I don't care though, I'd do it again anytime!

The $330 Dildo

Could a dildo possibly be worth $330? Well thats about how much it cost me to go shopping for one.

Ang and I had the night out we so desperately wanted, however it didn't go quite as well as we anticipated. We went to the mall earlier in the day and purchased outfits we thought would accentuate our assets but instead settled for something else less revealing in our closets. The movie was better than we thought, its what happened afterwards that ruined the night. We exited the theater and it rained on our parade, quite literally. While we weren't in the mood to go to a bar for drinks any longer, we certainly wouldn't pass on the opportunity to shop at the adult toy store. Lord knows we needed some!

There amongst the creeps, I professed my love for my lesbian girl friend. :P Shit...at least it got the horny drunks off my back. Wonder why it was so easy for them to believe though? Did we really look like we were lesbian lovers? And If so, then why were we shopping for artificial cock, LMAO?!

Anyway when we were done, we hurried to the car in the rain. Only one problem. The car was gone!!! WTF?! Where could it be, who can I call for help?

Right out of a fuckin movie, I glanced up at the collection of signs. Within the 4 signs was one that clearly stated no parking between 2am -6 am M,W & F. Looking back now, I don't know how I missed it, but I did. Walking about 20 blocks in the rain, In heels, and calling everyone I could think of for help, It was then that I realized just how lost I really was. If dad were alive, he'd be the one I could rely on for help. If I had a super hero, I'd call him... but well, that was sorta why Ang and I went out in the first place. Thanks to Ang I made it through the whole ordeal though.

Well let me go give this toy a try and see if it's worth all the drama it caused. G'night!

2 girls looking for sex in the city

I finally received dads medical records yesterday. I must say, they confirmed all my fears. The care that was provided, or lack of shall I say, without a doubt contributed to his death. I was full of emotion last night after reading them and really needed the comfort of my angel, the only man other than dad who i've completely confided in. However he's apparently fighting his own battle and hasn't reached out to me in nearly a week.

So what's a girl to do? Thanks to Ang and a super ice cream sunday, I made it through the anger. We've wanted to spend sometime away from our guys and thanks to the release of the new sex and the city movie, we'll be doing just that. Tonight were leaving the kids with granny and going into the city. We'll catch the movie and head to the adult toy store for some additional pleasure.

Cleaning the Clutter

Summer may be just around the corner, but spring is still here. Today a friend laughed when I turned down his dinner invite before work replying "no, I'm still shampooing my carpet". Yeah OK that's probably the lamest excuse I've ever used, but it was the truth. I suddenly find myself passing the time by doing extra work around the house. In fact I think I'm booked solid for the next few weeks. I think subconsciously I'm finding things to keep myself busy so I don't have to deal with the outside world. While I cant control what happens out there, I can at least control what happens in my house. Besides, taking some time off to see the big picture might be just what I need right now.

Unsaid

Somethings are better left unsaid. So I write em. But what if I know that you know now? Should that change how I write? No, this is my blog, my thoughts, my therapy.

Got a Date... Woo Hoo!

Damn, 300 posts so far....


Anyway, I know I was just talking shit about not being able to date again and stuff, but I gave into the pressure. Of course single parents cant just get up and hit the streets so it'll take a whole week to plan... and then some.

Who you ask is the mystery person? Well lets just say there will be lots of boob-age, hopefully lots of drinking to get us to put 'Dirty Dancing' to shame, and if your lucky a few embarrassing pics for Myspace.

Oh and Ang, I expect a corsage damn it!!!





P.S. I dont put out on the first date either, K?!

Is this what I want?

I don't care what anyone else says, I'm pretty fucking awesome. Seriously, I do it all. I cook, clean, do laundry, play the whole soccer-mom role, shit I'll even work to help keep the finances in order to keep off some of the pressure. I'll blow your mind away in bed, and walk through the streets like a total woman.
There are a few things however that you will never see me do. I would never disrespect someone. That alone can be discussed over a 15 page essay, but seriously I wouldn't do anything to ever hurt the ones I love.

Now with all that being said, why am I single? Honestly I think I fear dating. Lets be honest, its pretty scary out there. Ive seen it all. The druggies, the players, the stalkers... oh shit yeah, the stalkers! OMG my experience with Nurettin alone should've given me reason to give up on men. But they didn't. I still hoped that one day I'd accidentally meet my Mr. right. Don't get me wrong, I realize that no ones perfect, but I want my someone...

...someone who's eyes I can look into and through all his imperfections still see the one who's perfect to me.

Distant

If nothings changed, then why does everything feel so different?!

Gone But Never to be Forgotten

Sure I may bitch and complain alot, but one thing I will never stop doing is showing my love and respect for the brave men and woman who gave their all for you and I.


Today while your lighting the BBQ and sipping on a nice cold beer with your buds... remember their sacrifices.

Ok its pretty safe to assume that you'll be hearing alot from me in the next few hours or days. As the walls come crashing down and it feels like I'm losing control of everything in my life, all I can do is relay my emotions.

Today marks the one month anniversary since my fathers death. As if that wasnt enough to put me in an emotional uproar, I've been struggling with some other smaller issues too, but until this morning I was managing. Now however with Nick asking for space and ending what we had I've just given up. Fuck it!

I'll admit, I'm really messed up right now...

Letting go

If you really love someone, you'd do anything to see that their happy.

...Even if it means letting them go. No one said it would be easy, in fact its probably the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

No Doubt

Its often said that Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to. If that's the case, then what I thought was mutual was apparently not. Maybe I should take a moment to look at the obvious, before I hurt myself any further. I cant be in a relationship with someone who feels he cant trust me, but then again we're not really in a relationship either now are we?!
Ugh... I'm a fucking pathetic mess.
I've loved him for so long and haven't told him, fearing it would complicate things for him. Instead he probably feels I've been distant because I'm messing around on him. What do I do now?

No pain no gain

Actually thanks to the pain, hopefully there shall be no gain. I've decided I need to start doing more for myself. I don't wanna live the rest of my life miserable. Its so easy to get too involved with day to day functions and easily miss seeing the long term picture. The very first thing I'm starting with is using my membership to the gym. Sure I've popped my head in and out from time to time, but from now on I'm dedicating 2hrs to enhancing my ass... I mean assets.
Yesterday I had a great workout, I wanna set exercise goals too. Something that'll make all this aching seem worth while.

Im not the Only One

Ever hear a song that strikes a chord for you? See Marc Anthony is my absolute favorite singer. He's full of everything a good singer should be, emotion. For that and so many other reasons, Nick reminds me of him.

So when I finished the last part of my exam last night and left work, with no where to go but home, I spent some time alone in my car. I actually do that quite often. A few friends that were aware of my having the night off offered to take me out, to which I turned down. I just wanted to sit and think, to lay and listen to music that puts a hand on my heart.

My car is full of Marc Anthony Cd's thanks to Jes. I took the first one I could reach and popped it in the stereo, the first few songs were familiar but for some reason invoked a different emotion. Thanks to Izabell, I've began to put things into a different prospective, seeing things through his eyes.

And I heard this...




I love him so much. So much...that I have to help him.

How do you know which way to go?

Ever wish we could stare into a crystal ball and see how you'll be in 5, 10, 20 years? What will you be doing? Who will you be doing it with, and are you happy?

I wish I knew all the right answers. All I know is I'm extremely unhappy with my situation right now. I've allowed my day to day activities to get a hold of me, and by doing so have avoided making any drastic changes. In fact every time I seem to move in that direction, I back out and 'disappear' for a bit. Afraid to trust, afraid to risk, to take chances and most of all afraid to love again.

Honestly, I didn't give my all at the interview for the sheriffs office and the position was offered to someone else. Although the kids and I enjoy it in FL, I knew that I wouldn't be able to pack up and leave all those I love here in NY. Now however I realize I need change. I need to make a decision. I have my days when I wanna stay and go back to school. Take advantage of the cheaper living here with mom, while sacrificing my social life. For the most part its really not all that bad here, eventually the girls will outgrow the space and I'll need to move, but technically we could make it a few more years. If I really tightened my spending I could even swing my own place here too.

Then I remember when days were better. When I lived the American dream and every day was warm and sunny. I'm full of nothing but warm memories of Florida. Sunday mornings in church, evening dog walks with the kids, swimming in the backyard, riding on the mower, petting the manatees at dusk, and the smell of dinner cooking on the grill while grabbing some beers for the guys. But more valuable than all of those things... was someone to kiss and hold at night.
Lets face it, I'm miserable alone. I've got tons of friends, I know I'm an awesome person to be around. I find my happiness through being there for them. I keep them close to my heart because the honest truth is... I'm afraid to be alone.

So... while it may not be clear to me just yet, I have faith that I'll make the right decision. In fact the applications are already in the mail. It'll take some sacrifices, and will likely upset some people. But the one person I need to do this for, is me.

I See it Now

Alrighty... we were finally able to sit down and lay it all out, so to speak. I must say though, that although some of what I heard struck me as a surprise for the most part I anticipated what was spoken. It seriously bothers me to see him so upset. He's such a great man and doesn't deserve the BS he goes through. I haven't decided how yet, but I'm gonna help him find a way through this.

As for me, as difficult as it may be, I need to start seeing outside the box. I need to stop living in a fantasy world and let the reality of the situation sink in.

Wish I Knew

One year ago this month, someone left a note on my car. Curiosity got the best of me and I gathered the courage to contact that mystery person. Through out this year we've gone through some pretty significant stuff and offered support to one another. I've known that I've cared very much for him, but wasn't sure until recently just what it meant.

I've spent the past two days in a gloomy mood because I knew something was bothering him. He sent me a vague message, to which I offered my support, though I never knew just what it was that was particularly bothersome. I figured if he wanted me to get involved then he would involve me. The fact that two days have gone by and he still hasn't shared seriously bothers me. Tonight some mutual friends and I went to dinner, I really would've loved for him to be there but knew that he may not be feeling up to it, which I could sort of understand.

Not knowing whats going on however, and being left in the dark, for those that know me isn't exactly a good idea. When I'm left alone to sit and put all the clues together I begin to look beyond the obvious and assume things. I can only imagine that because he hasnt filled me in, that he doesnt want me to know.

Well you know what? I have some things I want you to know too... but I cant tell you, because your leaving again.

Broken and dysrhythmic it may be... he still managed to find his way in.

Jon B. - Someone To Love (Featuring Babyface)

Don't even like to think about it
I don't know what I would do without it
I only know I live and breathe for your love
Baby you came to me in my time of need
When I needed you, you were there for me
Baby, the love from you is what got me through
It's because of you I was able to
Give my heart again, you gave me

Someone to love
Someone to touch
Someone to hold
Oh someone to know
Someone to love
Someone to trust
Someone to hold
Oh someone to know

I thought I'd never love again
I thought my life was over and
I didn't want to face nor even see another day
Suddenly from no where, baby you appeared
You dried my tears, you cared for me
Maybe your love for me, truly rescued me
It's becuase of you, I was able to
Fall in love again, you gave me

[HOOK]

For so long in my life, I wouldn't let love inside
But I swallowed my pride the day you arrived
Now that you're by my side
Everything is all right
It's because of you, I was able to
Give my heart again, you gave me

[HOOK]

Lo Hicimos

Saving the world ain't easy. In fact every three years I must endure continued medical education classes and testing, most commonly known as refresher class, in order to keep my license to save the world. While many see this occasion as a time to cry and whine about failing a particular scenario, I enjoy the pain. Well... ok maybe not. But thanks to some pep talk from friends and stress relief on the roof landing, I went in to last nights skills station ready to take on anything they threw my way.

First scenario was a car accident, after immobilizing the c-spine and strapping him into my nifty device I was on my way to the next scenario... a cardiac arrest. Pushed hard, pushed fast... and yes even involved heavy breathing :P
(U pervs! Thats exactly how its stated in the protocol though!)
Ended my night with a young girl who couldn't take the blow of a quarterback tackling her and ended up with a closed head injury and a gross swollen deformity of the mid thigh, AKA femur fracture.

All in all it was a relatively cool night, thanks to the support of my peeps and daddy watching over me I'll be able to continue doing what I do best for another three years. We did it. Love you guys!!!

Gone

I tried cleaning out some of the clutter in Dad's room today, but I just couldn't do it. Going to his room several times a day to check on him became second nature to me. So much so that I still find myself accidentally walking in, and once again reliving the painful truth that he's never gonna be there again.

Guilt

I realize that guilt is a normal part of the grieving process, but please tell me when I'll get over it and move along to the acceptance phase.



I should've been there. I've known this day would come. But with no clear indication that he was ill, I thought it would be ok to take a vacation. I've spent the last 17 years learning how to take care of Dad, what to look out for and how to treat him... but everything I learned, of everyone I've saved. The one who inspired it all was ironically the one I couldn't help from 1200 miles away.



I'm sorry Dad. I should've been there. I should've been the one to make sure they were taking appropriate actions. I should've been daddy's little angel...

I wish I'd Known

If only I would've known that our last goodbye would really be goodbye.... I would've held you a little tighter, a little longer. I would've reminded you of my love for you. I would've told you that I couldn't have asked for a better father.



Dad,

I'm not sure of what the future has in store for me, but I know you'll still be here to help me. To be the extra hand I need while I learn to ride this bicycle of life.

The extra hand I need in the kitchen

...and the hand that will always be there to walk me through tough times as this.

I love you Daddy!

Being Honest With Myself

Sometimes we take things forgranted assuming it'll always be there. Being completly honest and upfront from the beginning sorta allowed me to do the same. I can recall numerous times when I'd repeatidly tell myself I'd be fine if he decided to leave. The truth is I know he'd like to, but things are less than ideal at home. When I drive home and see he still hasnt returned, the reality hits me. The only difference now is that I realize now matter how much I've drilled it in my head, I know I wouldnt be.

... Oh and for all of you wondering. Yes I'm having a good time on my vacation! See ya soon!!!

1200 miles to go

In about 7 hrs I'll be hitting the open road, cruising down I-95 with the girls in tow. I'll be going through extreme withrawl thinking of you often, but I'll be back...promise!




...Hope they realize I do it all for them.

Shake Whatcha Daddy Gave Ya

When selecting music to listen to I usually go with one of two options. Something I wanna listen to because the artists feelings reflect my own or sometimes I'm just simply craving something to shake my ass to. For instance when I'm home, I'll slap on the Ipod and grab one of the girls to dance with their crazy Mama, otherwise the broom will do just fine.

When I'm all alone however and cant fall asleep, I usually listen to the more emotional stuff. If you were to glance at my music selection, you'd probably think I'm bipolar with the selection of music I have. You'll find everything from Marc Anthony to 'Nsync and Eminem.

Tonight though I wanna share a favorite of mine:



Its full of everything a good song needs; emotion, dancing and an amazing voice.
...Makes me wanna say, I love you Daddy!

I'm sooo gonna need a vacation when I get back next week from Florida. Not only will I be enduring the battle of the ex and his family, but my entire week is being over-consumed by the application process at the Sheriff's office. Monday, shortly after our arrival I have an appointment with the Director of HR, Tuesday my polygraph, Wednesday my exam and interview followed by my medical exam on Thursday.
I guess this means only 2 days with Mickey?!

Slow Down

Remember how I made mention earlier about being able to finally workout again without spending time in the CCU? Well friday after seeing Nick I was compelled to work off some energy at the gym rather than sleep as he suggested. I had a pretty good workout too, but later realized my heart rate was still rather higher than usual. No biggie I thought and still went to work, but hours later I noticed I was still having some issues. I knew I was having PVC's but still insisted they'd go away on their own if I just relaxed.

Needless to say they didnt go away, instead I was being attached to cardiac monitors and carried into my very own ambulance and taken to the hospital. The whole experience was quite interesting I must say. But in all seriousness, I need to stop this shit. Its getting old. I need to find some way to balance all my responsibilities. Despite all attempts, the truth is I cant save the world. Somethings are just meant to be and I must accept that. If someone I love needs my help, I'll be there in a tachy heartbeat. But if work needs me on my day off, they'll just have to call someone else. I really dont need all the overtime I've been getting. Of course money is great, but being alive to spend it would be better.

So I promise, from this day on I vow to never again work another 26 hour shift guzzling down coffee's to stay awake. As a matter of fact, Doc wants me to stay away from coffee, sodas and even chocolate for a bit to see if this resolves itself. It'll be hard, but I've got two damn good reasons to comply.

Regrets

Life is full of regrets. I regret not giving Nick the CD I stayed up till 1am making for him after rethinking some of my selections. I even regret not doing something just five minutes ago. But I dont wanna look back 2 years from now and regret either leaving or not. Life is full of decisions and compromises. I took a chance with my marriage and moved to Louisiana. Did I regret it when it ended abruptly? Not one bit. I have two beautiful children as a result. While somethings can be viewed as a disappointment or failure, the girls certainly out weigh any negativity resulting from the divorce.
So as a very wise man pointed out today. I really dont have much to risk by taking a plunge. If it doesnt turn out to be the greatest decision, I'd still have my family in NY to lean on.
I suppose I'm affraid to break through the comfort zone I've created for myself, fearing possibly falling head first. But hey... life is full of taking chances and the lessons they teach us.

Update

Sorry I've been kinda MIA for a while. I've been working my ass off trying to afford this vacation for me and the kids.

Well, lets see. What have you missed?

• I actually bought myself something... A new car!
  
• I've managed to get off early, which will add two more days to my vacation.
• I've been able to comfortably work out at the gym again without having to spend 2 days in the CCU for every hour on the stairmaster.
• I've decided to let the kids enjoy swimming again. We're back into our sunday routine of goofing around in the pool. But despite Gabby's plea's I just cant gain the courage to allow her to go in the deep end without me. Dave's tragedy has me traumatized.
• Speaking of trauma, refresher class has been pretty fun. Last night I got to treat a sucking chest wound. WTF is a sucking chest wound you ask?! It's what you get when you've had a penetrating trauma to the lungs (usually a gun shot wound) that leaves you with a new whole to breath from. That shit is awesome. You cant just cover it, cause well... thats your new breathing hole. I instead get to do some pretty cool stuff to keep you from drowning in your own blood.
• And finally.... I decided to go forward with the job offer with the Sheriff's office in FL. Sometimes we need to just shut up and take the advice of others around you. If for no other reason, I must do this for the kids.

Well, gotta run. Time to get the kids from school and head over to the Mets game.

c'ya